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Life among the Ordinary - 12/4/2008 6:54:56 PM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline 		I am a free thought writer at times and even write some stuff that is about as vanilla as it comes. These are a few of my slightly comedic pieces...I suspect everyone can relate to at least one of them. Enjoy.
**************************************************************************************************************
The Foofing Factor
copyright 2008 Poenkitten
Dust bunnies are the bane of everyone’s existence to a point. They point out to mothers, girlfriends, spouses etc. that you haven’t cleaned under the furniture in a while. Of course rounding them up has always been a bit of a rodeo event as dust bunnies are skittery things and fast in avoiding things trying to coral them. Everyone deals with them at some point. That is not what I am addressing today.

If you are graced with the presence of a dog, a cat, any fur bearing animal or even an overly fuzzy spouse or relative, you have experienced the Foofing factor at some point.  You’ve cleaned, dusted, vacuumed, mopped, the house is just the way you like it, and at some point you retire to bed.

Sweet wonderful dreams entertain you, the warm comforting embrace of your covers, and a peaceful night, undisturbed by the gentle sounds of your home settling in for the night. You rise to greet the day and there they are.  Drift piles of fur that dance across your floors and rugs with all the joy of dandelion heads on the breeze. Your pet (or person) has FOOFED in the night.

I have two dogs, one cat and a moderately fuzzy spouse. I brush out the dogs daily, the cat and spouse take care of themselves, yet, despite it all, I wake each morning to enough fur drifting around the house that by all rights both dogs and the cat should be stark naked.  Innocently they watch me as I sweep, vacuum and stalk enough loose fur to knit 6 poodles and a sweater. Someone has FOOFED in the night. They do it during the day as well, but no matter how closely I watch them, I never catch them at it. They are asleep in the bedroom or playroom and the fur is flying in the living room and kitchen.  You never hear it happen, you never see it, but the aftermath is waiting for the next time you enter the room.

Someone has FOOFED.  If scientists ever figure out how to harness a dog or cats ability to Foof and still have a full coat of fur, they will cure baldness. The hair can fall, but it will still be a luxurious mass gracing the head of Uncle Paul.

Ok, Ok, I guess you are wondering why I call it FOOFING instead of shedding. Shedding is the natural process of getting rid of dead hair that is no longer needed. Dogs and most furbearing animals do this at least twice a year, husbands do it daily (see shower and sink). Two to three weeks of concerted effort and the old winter coat and spring coats are gone and the summer coat is ready to greet the warm weather.  The rest of the time it is a light brushing to get the dirt out of the fur and Fancy and Fido are happy people.

FOOFING is totally different.

The fur literally (or at least it seems to) explode off the dog but so quietly, so quickly that it spreads around the room in drifts without ever even waking the dog, much less the people. I have found Foofed fur on top of end tables, window ledges, bookshelves. It appears in closets, under beds, behind furniture and the fur is so fine, so tenacious that the vacuum cleaner snarls in rage as it tries to pick it up from furniture and rugs.  Now you would think that I could tell whose fur it is. The cat is black and white, my big baby is grey, black and white and my little girl is black with long grey hairs (she’s getting old). The fur is uniform grey white and matches not one single animal in the house as far as length, shades or color. I have tried to match it up, believe me I have, to the point the dogs looked at me funny and the cat hid.  

Hmmm..maybe I have a Foof fairy?   

< Message edited by BlackPhx -- 12/4/2008 6:59:54 PM >
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RE: Life among the Ordinary - 12/4/2008 6:57:03 PM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline 		Pursuit of Happiness
Copyright 2008 Poenkitten
The Declaration of Independence grants those of us who live in the United States of America certain rights, to wit; “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” Cool. I definitely have Life covered, Liberty within the constraints of the Law seems to be covered, of course my Hubby has some things he expects anyway thanks to those pesky marriage vows, but the Pursuit of Happiness seems to be a never ending search.

Maybe I should explain. Happiness is the name of the warm, snuggly cover on our bed.  I gave it that name after I found that I was pursuing it nightly. The blasted thing always seems to leave my side of the bed and wander over to his. The floor doesn’t have to pursue Happiness. Happiness just flows all over it. Only on his side.  Happiness seems to wander everywhere, save my side of the bed, especially on cold nights.

Like many who are watching their energy bills rise despite all they can do to curtail usage, we keep the house below 70˚ during the winter months.  We run the heat only long enough to take the chill off when we get up, shower and dress and then back down to maintenance level.  You would figure, and perhaps it is this way for most people, that bedtime, a warm set of covers, a snuggly partner and the night would be spent in pleasant dreams and comfort. Uh-Huh. Right. Cover thief sleeping next to me, and I am sure I am not the only one who experiences the drift off and then sudden FREEZE that comes of the covers leaving your side of the bed for nightly vacations in parts unknown.  Alas it is not only once a night, but a nearly hourly challenge to hang onto enough cover to stop the shivering that wakes you up.

Of course the dearly beloved cover thief denies all actions and looks hurt at the accusations.

“How did you sleep last night dear? You look tired”

Glare.

“I slept like a rock. Maybe you should see a Doctor about your sleeping problems.

” GLARE.

“Mumble, growl, thief!”

“What?” Innocent look

“You stole the covers. AGAIN!”

 “I wouldn’t do that, you must have kicked them off”

“OVER your body and onto the floor? That’s where I found them at 1 AM, 3 AM and 5 AM.” 

GLARE!!!

“You must have been dreaming.”

“No I WAS dreaming, then I was shivering, then I was hauling the covers back onto the bed.”

“Don’t know what you are talking about, I never moved all night.”

“Mumble, growl, Duct Tape!”

Hmm, maybe 50’s TV had the right idea about sleeping. At least THEY got to keep the covers and were able to pursue another kind of Happiness. Ah well, Happiness will keep pursuing the floor and I shall continue to pursue Happiness (the Blanket) at least until I can figure out a way to hold down a bit of Happiness for myself.



< Message edited by BlackPhx -- 12/4/2008 7:02:35 PM >

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RE: Life among the Ordinary - 12/4/2008 7:02:24 PM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline 		...yannow i was thinking about that twin beds concept....plenty of room in the middle for a cage, wouldnt you agree?

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And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

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RE: Life among the Ordinary - 12/4/2008 7:03:04 PM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline 		LOL

Yep

Poenkitten

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RE: Life among the Ordinary - 12/4/2008 7:04:52 PM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline 		The Laundry Elf
Copyright 2008 Poenkitten
  I have come to the conclusion that there is a Laundry Elf. Unlike Brownies (not the yummy kind or the young girl ones) who clean your house for a saucer of milk (anyone know where I can hire one?) this Laundry Elf is kinda like a Bad Santa. He brings gifts. Gifts of Dirty Laundry.  Not my favorite chore to begin with and made doubly worse when the elf is about.

There are only two of us, Hubby and myself. I used to have live at home kids, and mounds of laundry, but, not for many years. The kids are gone but not the mounds. Those are still here and multiplying. Now most people who do laundry are well aware of whose laundry they are doing. We tend to recognize something we have washed 10 times since the day someone actually wore it for more than 5 minutes. So how do I know that there is a Laundry Elf bringing me clothes? It’s easy, I have never seen some of these things in my life and I have run out of hangers.

OK an example. I have washed every load of wash in the house I can find. Ironed (rarely), folded or hung them up. I turn around. Yep, you guessed it, there are two more piles that have cropped up from nowhere. Sigh back to the washing machine.
I have finally emptied the laundry basket, searched under the bed and in the computer room, made sure all stashes of laundry including his luggage is empty. Hours pass with dinner, TV, surfing the web and finally bedtime. Why is the laundry basket FULL again?

Here is my favorite example. My husband is not a large man, pretty trim in fact, and I am not the largest woman, pretty average after 2 kids, and good cooking at a hot stove. I pulled wet wash from the machine and transferred it to the dryer. The dryer did its thing, beeped at me and I offloaded everything and started to fold. Lo and behold there was a strange pair of underwear lurking in the load. Not just any underwear either, these would have fit someone about 400 lbs and male. We don’t know anyone that large who has stayed the night here or even visited us in the past 2 years. No one, nada, zip, zilch, not one blessed person.  (Cue eerie music) They appeared new. Himself questioned and with denial of visitors, knowledge or erroneous purchase on either side, the Laundry Elf’s gift was returned to the ether via the garbage can. I couldn’t see a reason to save them.

I have lost and found blouses, skirts, pants. They vanish into the ether of the washer or dryer and one day 6 months or so later show up waiting to be washed, dried and hung up again. Everyone loses socks. It got so bad here that I just simply gave up on them for myself and for Himself buy all one style in black or white. We still have odd numbers of socks, but at least they all match.  He can generally pull up a pair even half asleep in the mornings.

If I ever catch this Elf I am going to make him take back all his gifts and tell me who he gave my comfortable jeans to. Their missing again.  Then again, maybe the Closet Monster got them. Hmm.



< Message edited by BlackPhx -- 12/4/2008 7:09:22 PM >

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RE: Life among the Ordinary - 12/4/2008 7:05:14 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		omg, those are GREAT!!  (and gods yes, The Girls are champion Foofers!!)

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polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

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RE: Life among the Ordinary - 12/4/2008 7:07:33 PM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline 		Resonating with who?
Copyright 2008 Poenkitten
  There is nothing like a MRI to show the Doctors what is going on in parts of your body without actually opening up the same. Wonderful. However, frankly, they are not my favorite morning fair. Pass me biscuits, gravy and a cup of coffee I am happy. Show me a cheerful morning person just waiting to squeeze me into a large white tube and make me feel like a cannoli? Not so wonderful.

First of all I really am not sure who they designed these things to fit. Twiggy in her heyday may have been comfortable, but at 170lbs having the top of the tube 6 inches from my nose is not likely to do anything save give me a lovely case of claustrophobia.  Arms to the sides I feel wedged in. How anyone larger than me stands it I will never know.  This is NOT a one size fits all machine.  It is as close to a pre-fitting for a coffin than I ever want to be.

Then there is the sound as it takes sliced images of whatever is being scanned. Now don’t get me wrong, most places are wonderful about playing you music or the radio through headsets while the machine is at work, but that doesn’t drown out the sounds I have tagged and named.

1.       Electric Knife, this one isn’t too bad and you can focus on the headset leaving it at the periphery of your attention.

2.       Band saw. This one is a lot more disturbing, it keeps going on but never gets to the wood or pork chop so you are watching out of your peripheral vision a tad nervously.

3.       Jackhammer. Ok pass me the aspirin. You find yourself waiting to feel the vibration to match the sound.

4.       Fred Flintstone™ writing a letter. You can just hear the Chisel hitting that rock. It was a long letter.

5.       Purring cat at high velocity. Somebody please put the cat out, or at least make it take a breath.

6.       Hyper Active child with spoon and pot. “Nuff said”

  As you can tell I just had an MRI done. They were scanning my head. I think they were looking for my brain, but I could have told them there were only cobwebs and dust up there.  I should have had my head examined doing this before coffee, but, oh wait, I did. Now you can get a choice of a relaxant if you and your Doctor agree on one beforehand.  I tend to be the full speed ahead, damn the torpedo type, let’s just get this done. So off I went to lie in that large white machine, have my head taped down, a cage paced over that and a motorized table load me like that proverbial torpedo down the tube. I have never been so happy to be unwrapped in my life.

Hope they found what they were looking for, or didn’t (might be better), either way, next time I just might tell them. . .

“Go Fish”



< Message edited by BlackPhx -- 12/4/2008 7:08:27 PM >

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RE: Life among the Ordinary - 12/4/2008 7:11:47 PM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline 		Still in the Closet
Copyright 2008 Poenkitten


  As kids we know there is a monster under the bed and in the closet. As adults we tell them there are no monsters hiding in that dark spooky closet. I know better. He’s in there. Hiding. He’s waiting for the door to be closed and for my attention to wander away from his presence. Then, when I am not looking he pounces.  

The Closet Monster is the ONLY explanation I have for some of the things I find hanging in my closet. There is no way I was ever addle pated enough to buy some of the garments lurking and waiting for me to grab them in a sleepy morning stupor.  Himself has one as well, or maybe it’s the same one. It has horrible taste and is a notoriously bad judge of sizes.

I can’t explain the paisley bare midriff blouse. I am no spring chicken, heck I am a summer hen headed towards fall.  There are things in there that would have been to tight for me across the chest when I was 12, much less now.  In his closet lurks, pants that are too short, Hawaiian shirts you need sunglasses in a dark room to face, and some t-shirts I don’t think fit him when he was 12 either. This is not to mention the ties that only a father is blessed with for father’s day.  Um, I mentioned before I had kids, HE has step kids that were grown and gone before he entered my life.  There is no one here to give him those ties. I have better taste and the only ties I have ever bought him involved silk, no patterns and jewel tones.  Himself swears he didn’t buy them either or the yellow and purple sweater.

It has to be the Closet Monster. Sadly I couldn’t get one who had any taste. 

It also seems to have a sister or wife.

The Jewelry Box Monster has graced me with some of the tackiest jewelry I have ever seen. Stuff you wouldn’t buy at a garage sale if you were tippling in the early morning dew. I recognize every beautiful piece that Himself or my sons have given me. But there is no explanation for a large rhinestone brooch with black glass beaded necklace that belong gracing the bosom of a society lady in an old Marx Brothers movie. I couldn’t carry that piece off were I twice my age, and forget about matching earrings.  I am not sure about where the silver Owl w/red eyes pendant came from either. It kind of looks like a cartoon owl.

Obviously the Closet Monster and the Jewelry Box Monster have similar taste and sense of humor.




< Message edited by BlackPhx -- 12/4/2008 7:13:18 PM >

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RE: Life among the Ordinary - 12/4/2008 7:14:07 PM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline 		Where’s the Warranty?
Copyright 2008 Poenkitten

  Every religion and nearly every gaming system has minions. Usually bad guy minions. Call them Imps, Demons, I.R.S. Agents, they are minions dedicated to the ideal that interfering in your life in any way possible is lucrative to them.  They are the purveyors of the mind numbing regulations, keepers of the minutia and the voiders of the warranty.  

Somewhere, past the warning stamped in .0008 pt type “No User Serviceable Parts Inside” is the 100 page microdot warranty on our bodies.  We don’t get to read it. But it’s there. I know it is. Somewhere in there, along with the nano notations on organs and systems “Best if Used By”, is that warranty giving the date it expires.  Those minions can read them and I swear they violate everything that would keep the warranty in force. 

Someone violated the calorie furnace warranty about 80 lbs ago. Used to be I could eat anything, stay up for days, and never gain weight or run down. Now I look at food and it gloms onto my hips while making it past midnight has become a struggle without a nap.  

Someone violated the Nerve System warranty. Everything has gotten numb over the past few years with the added joy of certain joints and areas hurting for no reason I have ever given them. Knees gone, shoulders pop, thumbs warped and painful, back cracks, hips lock, jaws ache. I get off the bed and it is breakfast cereal time, Snap, Crackle and well you fill in the last sound to go with the groans as muscles protest the change in position. Can anyone tell me when lying DOWN got to be painful as well? We have a $1500.00 pillow top comfortable mattress and some nights it feels like it is filled with river rocks. Sigh.  

Thermostat seems to be out of warranty, not sure how to replace it, but.. It’s always too hot, too cold or not hot or cold enough.  Colors are not as bright as they once were. I forget between one room and the next what I was going after. Food doesn’t taste the same. I don’t run as fast, jump as far, just don’t seem to be as strong as I was.  

FEH! I am NOT Old… Someone is voiding my Warranties!!! 

If I ever get my hands on the Imp that doing it, I’m gonna strangle him, even if I have to use a jar opener around his neck to do it.



< Message edited by BlackPhx -- 12/4/2008 7:16:01 PM >

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RE: Life among the Ordinary - 12/4/2008 7:15:10 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Poen these are so wonderful. I am laughing so hard while tears run down my face.

About the laundry fairy, I really want to know where clothes go, and where the strange ones come from. I'm staring at some weird pullover I never bought my son which has some plastic/rubber stuff on the front and melted onto the dryer. Trust me, I know better than to buy such a thing. It appeared out of nowhere.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Life among the Ordinary - 12/4/2008 7:18:14 PM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline 		Not A HD Kinda Gal
Copyright 2008 Poenkitten

  Everywhere you turn these days you see a call out to buy HD. HD DVD’s, HD Blu-Ray, HD TV’s HD Radio and so on and so forth. Well I guess that would be wonderful if my eyes and ears were HD, or that I really wanted to see every pore, blemish and wrinkle in some poor actor or actresses face.  

It used to be that films were artistic. They were shot with soft focus, a layer of Vaseline on the lens, gels, lighting, and scrim all designed to draw your eye to the total scene not the flaws. Of course some of those “flaws” were part of the actors charm, Clark Gables ears, Mae West’s um waist, Harrison Ford’s scar, and so forth. But these days it’s all about how clearly you can see. Every single acne scar, every nose hair, every freckle and nothing left to the imagination, and the colors, I thought they were only supposed to happen in cartoons and acid trips.

Himself and I watched two movies today. Both in HD, larger than life, on the screen and I discovered that even though my eyes weren’t HD, they didn’t need to be to see the collagen scars around a singers mouth. The screen and definition was enough to make every single one of them look like a road map of Washington D.C.  Wrinkles on an aging actress’s face looked like canyons and arroyos and makeup can be seen to cake in ways we women have been trying to prevent for years.  

So could someone please explain to me why film makers are rushing to make things more real than real life? What is the lure? Do we really need to see every grain of sand, every blade of grass, every nose hair?  I look over at himself without my glasses and see the handsome young man I married, the tenderness in his eyes. I don’t need to count every gray hair in his beard, or the newest line around his eyes. He is still the man I fell in love with, without HD. I know that when he takes his glasses off he still sees the woman he fell in love with, sans the wrinkles, the smile and frown lines, the sagging flesh.  

Perhaps we weren’t meant to be seen in HD as we grow older and that is why most of us find ourselves reaching for glasses as we enter our middle ages.  

Mr. DeMill, I don’t really want to see where the makeup ends and flesh begins.. I’m not ready for that close up in HD.  

Fade to Black.



< Message edited by BlackPhx -- 12/4/2008 7:19:57 PM >

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RE: Life among the Ordinary - 12/4/2008 7:22:08 PM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline 		GT, Des and Persephonee... I am soo glad you enjoyed them. I get in these moods from time to time..

Hey Persephonee..betcha didn't know I could write something other than hardcore Torture Porn.

poenkitten ( giggling )

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RE: Life among the Ordinary - 12/4/2008 7:49:04 PM   
KyttynTheMynx


Posts: 4880
Joined: 5/10/2006
From: Moosecrotch, Va
Status: offline 		Poen, if you ever come across that closet monster, ask him for my undies back.  I started the year with 30+ pair and I think he is regifting them.  I am not happy.  Oh, and ask him for my shirts back too.  I need those now that winter is near.  Oh, and the dryer critter.  He keeps eating my socks, and replacing them with socks that fit a small toddler.  Cute, and all that but hey only warm my toes...

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The next time you think I give a fuck, remember the 3 F's... Unless you are Feeding me, Financing me, or Fucking me, I don't give a fuck!!

"Kyttyn: The Other White Meat!" - DRH

10 Miles of Hot Chocolate Lovin'.

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RE: Life among the Ordinary - 12/4/2008 7:51:23 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		So fun, Poen!!!  Thanks!

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RE: Life among the Ordinary - 12/4/2008 7:57:29 PM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline 		LOL I am still looking for stuff as well.

I suspect that the authors who write all of those Other word Supernatural romances may have a lock on it. there are things living with us we cannot see. The Fae are among us and so are the Imps, Demons and others . . .

Why can't I get a Dobbie!!!

poenkitten

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RE: Life among the Ordinary - 12/4/2008 10:01:57 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		There's a combination of a laundry monster and a closet monster here. Last spring I washed and put away three sets of queen size flannel sheets. Just went into the linen closet to discover there are three top sheets, no bottoms. At this point I'd be grateful for one bottom and one top from different sets. Three  bottom sheets have vanished without a trace.

AAAAARRRGHHH!!

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Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Life among the Ordinary - 12/5/2008 3:53:12 AM   
Christinestill


Posts: 1199
Joined: 12/4/2008
Status: offline 		lol poen, these are great!  i don't think there is anyone who can't relate to what you've written in a very clever, humorous way. 

smooch.

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Learning to color outside the the lines a little more each day.

yes i'm pro-gun, i'm not about to sit around with a fucking rolling pin and hope for the best.


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RE: Life among the Ordinary - 12/5/2008 4:43:51 AM   
softandshy


Posts: 297
Joined: 5/10/2005
Status: offline 		Excellent writing Poen.  Very entertaining.

Closet monsters are frightening.  i retain the idea that, like when i was a child, they are a lot less benevolent than simply mucking about with clothing would require.  At night all the closet doors are shut tightly to prevent any "incidents".  i do agree with you that the wee ones are still around though.  We are careful of our brownies.  (i won't say too much here because if you know about brownies, you know what they dislike most).  You may want to ask Gwyn if she minds you luring one off.  i'm not sure how it's done, but like everything else, you can probably Google it.  Uhm, so you know it in advance, however, brownies don't deal with foofing.  Sorry.  

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RE: Life among the Ordinary - 12/5/2008 5:11:29 AM   
SultryMomma


Posts: 48
Joined: 7/11/2004
Status: offline 		 OMG....those were totally wonderful. I could relate to all of them. Especially the one about twin beds. I needed them last night grrrrrrrrr.

Kris

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RE: Life among the Ordinary - 12/5/2008 5:23:10 AM   
LumusandtheLady


Posts: 1926
Joined: 11/1/2008
Status: offline

poenkitten, have you been visiting our place lately? You sure seem to have us pegged, especially the Foofing and Laundry Elf! These are absolutely wonderful, please keep up the good work and posting!

rain


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"Ok, can we return to reality now, please?"

~Rain - newest member of the Clan Scarlett O'Hair-a's~

You are a fluke of the universe...



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