Fear of other men

Fear of other men (Full Version)

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atljerbear35 -> Fear of other men (12/5/2008 1:20:42 PM)
Now that I'm separated from my wife and working towards divorce, I'm beginning to get noticed by male Doms as well as female Dommes. Sexually, I'm totally ok with it, since I've been actively bi since childhood (as bottom/fem only, though) and love any chance to indulge that part; but I'm still terrified about submitting to other men for BDSM. As a male, I have no trouble imagining the depths of sadism that men are capable of, and just thinking about the possibility of being helpless with "the wrong Dom" scares me shitless. I know intuitively that this is a part of my nature that MUST be explored eventually, but actually taking that first step is very daunting to me. Any comments/suggestions?

celticlord2112 -> RE: Fear of other men (12/5/2008 1:35:47 PM)
quote: I know intuitively that this is a part of my nature that MUST be explored eventually, but actually taking that first step is very daunting to me. Any comments/suggestions? There is nothing that MUST be explored. There are only things you might wish to explore--when you are ready. Relax, take your time, connect with people and find a few you are able to trust. Where there is a solid bond of trust, your partner will be able to help you get over whatever fears you might possess.

Lashra -> RE: Fear of other men (12/5/2008 1:36:44 PM)
quote: As a male, I have no trouble imagining the depths of sadism that men are capable of, I know some Femdoms who are terrifying so do not let the gender fool you. [:)] No one says you must have a male Dom, but if it is something that you wish to explore I would say go slow and take your time. Really get to know a person before submitting to them. Also be up front and tell them your apprehension, if they are truly concerned about your well being they will go slow, build trust and show you that they are worthy of your submission. Good luck, ~Lashra

daddysliloneds -> RE: Fear of other men (12/5/2008 1:47:29 PM)
i've met more dommes that scared the holy bejeevers out of me than doms, so as mentioned before, don't let the gender of the top fool you! my primary rule when bottoming to someone for the first time in a bdsm type of play scene is absolutely no bondage/restraints whatsoever unless my trusted sidekick is present to oversee my safety and well-being. considering the fact that i don't have a trusty sidekick for private play, then only once did i break that rule, based on my feeling of the dominant. i wasn't disappointed in the scene he created, the way it made me feel helpless but safe at the same time, or in putting my trust in him... besides, there's plenty of ways to restrain people that have quick release systems that can make the bottom feel helpless when in fact they really aren't and can escape at any given time. when following the above rules, nothing can get out of hand regarding the s/m version of things without me being able to have a means of protecting myself... then again, i wouldn't be in the same room with them alone if i felt the need to protect myself at all. so in other words, you have nothing to fear but fear itself if you put a few of your own safety guidelines in place before any actual play.

SirMIkeSD -> RE: Fear of other men (12/5/2008 3:00:37 PM)
Take your time to meet someone first and get to know them and build a trust that they will follow your safe words and respect your limits. As for men being harder, my boy will you tell you that from his play women are far more "evil" then men he has and does play with both sexes. If you look at my profile his screen name is in there and you are more then welcome to ask him yourself. Mike

leadership527 -> RE: Fear of other men (12/5/2008 3:05:02 PM)
quote: As a male, I have no trouble imagining the depths of sadism that men are capable of, and just thinking about the possibility of being helpless with "the wrong Dom" scares me shitless. Wow, that's funny. As a newbie to the entire BDSM thing, I gotta say it is the female dommes that seem to be clearly over the top to me. Every time I've heard a discussion about blood spatters and similar things it's always been a female. There's no question that if I was bi and sub, it'd be the females I feared more than the males.

LadyPact -> RE: Fear of other men (12/5/2008 3:20:28 PM)
<Just smiles a sadist smile and chuckles to herself.> Ok. Seriously. On the female sadism thing. If I were the OP, I'd be much more concerned about females as well. What we lack in physical strength, we make up for in other ways. We tend to be a bit more devious and creative. No offense to our male counterparts, but watch a female sadist work. I've literally had people be afraid to scene with Me after watching some of the things I do to clip. It always surprises them that I also happen to be a nice person.

DesFIP -> RE: Fear of other men (12/5/2008 3:21:25 PM)
There are some very scary dommes out there. Calla and her love of bloodplay comes first to mind. She's a fabulous person and member of the boards but I wouldn't play with her. [:)] What I'm really sensing is your fear of being physically overpowered by a dom and having things done to you even if you don't consent. Should you wish to play with doms, there are ways to avoid triggering this panic button. Don't get tied up. Don't play with guys twice your size. Do play in public with DMs who will know to listen for you screaming red with all your might. Do play with friends nearby who will intervene if the top ignores you safewording. And most of all, get to know all of them as friends first. Because the greater the level of trust you build up, the less your fear level will be. And presumably you won't select as a friend anyone who proves him/herself untrustworthy. But as others have said, there's no board of certified BDSM specialists who will withdraw your license to participate if you don't choose to bottom to a male.

beargonewild -> RE: Fear of other men (12/5/2008 3:35:27 PM)
I can say from personal experience that male Doms can be quite sadistic yet they also use much common sense when playing with a male submissive. I have several male Dom friends who I seek advice from and they all have a high level of care and concern for their sub's physical, mental and spiritual well being. What makes sense to me is when you are talking and negotiating with a male Dom, simply do so in the same manner as if you'll talking and negotiating with a Domme. The basic framework is still the same in either case.

kiwisub12 -> RE: Fear of other men (12/5/2008 5:39:09 PM)
If you really want to sub to a male, take someone with you that can act as a security guard. I do think you are demonising men a bit though. I haven't yet come across someone who will act in a nonconsential way - because they don't get to play anymore if they get carried away and hurt their toys. Besides, they would have a really bad rep if they made a habit of overpowering their subs.

Lordandmaster -> RE: Fear of other men (12/5/2008 5:43:26 PM)
If you're concerned about it, don't do it--at least not yet. I've heard from male subs that submitting to a female is completely different from submitting to a male. Obviously that's a generalization, but still, stick with women until you're sure. quote: ORIGINAL: atljerbear35 Now that I'm separated from my wife and working towards divorce, I'm beginning to get noticed by male Doms as well as female Dommes. Sexually, I'm totally ok with it, since I've been actively bi since childhood (as bottom/fem only, though) and love any chance to indulge that part; but I'm still terrified about submitting to other men for BDSM. As a male, I have no trouble imagining the depths of sadism that men are capable of, and just thinking about the possibility of being helpless with "the wrong Dom" scares me shitless. I know intuitively that this is a part of my nature that MUST be explored eventually, but actually taking that first step is very daunting to me. Any comments/suggestions?

atljerbear35 -> RE: Fear of other men (12/5/2008 8:31:03 PM)
First, thank you all for your responses; I promise to consider them all carefully. Second, if I've given the impression that I'm demonizing men, I deeply and profusely apologize- I never said my fear was sane or rational- merely that it exists. I did had one brief session several years ago with a Dom that I had met online, but I was so nervous and afraid the whole time that I could not enjoy any of it; despite the fact that the Dom was polite, gracious, and a perfect host the entire time. The fault was mine, not His. Most of the responses seem to advocate a monitor or "bodyguard" for my first time (at least), and this makes a lot of sense to me. There also seems to be a consensus that Women are far more sadistic than Men; I didn't know this, which shows how little I know, I suppose. In any case, thanks again for all the valuable advice. I hope one day soon to be able to put that advice to good use.

DomDG -> RE: Fear of other men (12/5/2008 9:26:01 PM)
In our local group it is a compliment to be told you hit like a Girl! My Mentor was a Female Domme who could be completely mean and nasty when it came to play. I have seen one of our Dommes clear a room with her CBT and singletail play. And, mind fucks? Our group founder a Femme Domme does demos on them! So don't judge a Dominant by their 'cover'. As to fears, well, all I can say there is negotiate, communicate, and navigate! Negotiate what it is you are ready for, fear and limits. Remember just because you are a sub who one wants to play with does NOT mean you don't have limits. Communicate freely and openly. It took my princess and I years to learn true transperancy within our lives. We were honestly on the verge of failure when we learned it due to a great friend's reminder. She was afraid to tell me she wanted to be a slut, due to her upbringing and I was afraid to show the depths of my sadism due to her reactions to pain. So communicate about your fears, your desires and your reactions. Navigate through the sea of potential partners to safely reach your destination and goal. That may sound trite, but let's be honest here. In order to find what we need we have to wade through people that may not have the best in mind for us. So knowing what we need and and where we want to go, is important. Keep an eye on where it is you want to get to, pay attention and you can avoid some of the hazards. Hmm, maybe too much introspection... but there you have it!

Aswad -> RE: Fear of other men (12/6/2008 11:21:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: atljerbear35 As a male, I have no trouble imagining the depths of sadism that men are capable of, and just thinking about the possibility of being helpless with "the wrong Dom" scares me shitless. I'm thinking I'd rather be with the wrong man than the wrong woman, if we're talking sadism gone wrong. There's a reason for the antique expression that, if captured by an enemy army, one should commit suicide, rather than allow oneself to fall into the hands of their women. I have seen enough to support the truth of that expression that I'd rather not learn firsthand the details of it. Consider, for instance, that the most famous sadists from WW2 were women, although there were certainly men who distinguished themselves in that regard, too. Or that one of the best snipers around was a woman, with 38 enemy snipers among her kills. Or the number who have poisoned husbands, children and pets over the years. Men may be more prone to physical violence, but I'm pretty sure the scales balance reasonably well overall. Perhaps it's more a matter of being reluctant to be that exposed and vulnerable with a man? Health, al-Aswad.

myotherself -> RE: Fear of other men (12/7/2008 3:04:23 AM)
I echo what everyone else here has said - I've played with Doms and Dommes and found that Dommes have that extra little edge when it comes to being a sadist, lol But both are great fun! I'd suggest going to a local play club or dungeon and playing with a Dom while you're surrounded by others who can keep an eye on you. Once you're over the initial fear, then you can decide if you want to do it again in more private surroundings. Good luck! [:D]

LaTigresse -> RE: Fear of other men (12/7/2008 5:08:13 AM)
I wish there was a cat-that-swallowed-the-canary type cheesy grin graphic. AND, I wish you evil people would quit saying we female dominants are so much more evil and nasty. Ruining our cute fluffy reputations like that!!! Please, let the dear man keep thinking we are all sweet, nurturing, angels. [:D]

GreedyTop -> RE: Fear of other men (12/7/2008 6:05:41 AM)
snort I know that when I top, a couple of male doms I know cringe when watching me.. Must be the fluffiness factor.....

OneMoreWaste -> RE: Fear of other men (12/7/2008 7:16:31 AM)
I'm surprised that no one has mentioned being afraid of the toy you're showing off in your avatar [:D] Personally, I can relate to your fear- statistically, if someone is going to be a sadistic serial killer, it'll be a male. In a non-consensual situation, (again statistically), you're likely to have better odds physically protecting yourself from a woman than a man (I'm fully aware that I'm generalizing through all sorts of important what-ifs here). One thing I'd suggest- if you can get yourself to a BDSM convention or event, see if any male Tops teaching classes on techniques or toys you're interested in are looking for a demo bottom. It's a pretty safe way to start out. Likewise, public play at any kind of event can provide a measure of security- If you safeword audibly and the Top ignores it, there is usually a "Dungeon Master" or other security to intervene on your behalf. Depending on your comfort level, this may be easier to arrange logistically than having your own security for a private scene. Just as an aside, one thing I've found very funny is that in my experience (real time), when FemDommes start talking about heavy CBT (bloodplay, tight ligatures, hard impact, etc), it's usually the female submissives who get the most freaked out by it. Nothing like a needle straight through the scrotum to get crowd response [:D]

ThundersCry -> RE: Fear of other men (12/7/2008 8:41:42 AM)
Nothing wrong with having a healthy...fear..of anyone who profess`s to be a sadist... On the other hand...it does not take much just to beat...someone... Sometimes way to much ego gets in the way... Good luck on and in your journey...

LadyPact -> RE: Fear of other men (12/7/2008 1:20:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OneMoreWaste Just as an aside, one thing I've found very funny is that in my experience (real time), when FemDommes start talking about heavy CBT (bloodplay, tight ligatures, hard impact, etc), it's usually the female submissives who get the most freaked out by it. Nothing like a needle straight through the scrotum to get crowd response [:D] I would have to disagree with this. I have found it to be more common that the male Tops are the first to find another scene to watch when these things come up.

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