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RE: sub training by someone other than your dom - 12/6/2008 4:29:47 PM

Aszhrae

Posts: 1030
Joined: 3/31/2008
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girl has to agree with sambamanslilgirl, that he does sound to lazy to train and you should not be with him.

even if you were in a present situation that was about to change, then it would be logical, that for a new dominant, may require retraining.
there is certain amount of responsibility towards the submissive by the dominant where training is needed, how else will you be able to serve that dominants needs. To be sent off to someone else, just seems irresponsible to me. Do you really want that angelbaby22222?

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RE: sub training by someone other than your Dom - 12/6/2008 7:03:05 PM

LPslittleclip

Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
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angel i would recommend you continue to gather info and always communicate with your prospective Dominant.as has been said there is no one way of doing this so it might work for you. there should be local groups in your area you could join to get more info and even learning from discussion groups. if you are going to have more than one love than you can look at the polyamory group. there is so much in the lifestyle and not everything will be for you. look learn and respectfully ask.

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RE: sub training by someone other than your dom - 12/6/2008 7:48:27 PM

faithfulfemme

Posts: 113
Joined: 5/24/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelbaby22222

I am very new to this world. I have yet to actually act on this yet. But I was wondering if this is normal. The man that has chosen me is extremely busy and wants me to be trained by someone he trusts. Now I ask if this is normal. That I would be performing sexual pleasures with this man instead of my dom , until I am totally trained. He said that he wants to be sure I am ready for him. I am to go to a woman who will allow this man who is my trainer ..to show me ..what is expected of me. Here is my other question , how do you not (and this trainer, not) have feelings for each other..I already see this trainer wanting more with me. (but he says he will never act that way once I am Sirs) I said I don't believe he will be able to hide it..I can see it in his eyes. (oh and my sir and the trainer are family..)

Now I am also to be the Alpha B itch so he says that I will have others below me that will have to answer to me.. and I will have one person in a small room of our house that is there for me ..to run errands..do what ever I need her to do.

Is all this the correct ways of training..and actions..I want to be sure I have someone that knows what they are doing..since I am so new...

One of the first things i learned when i got into the BDSm lifestyle was to listen to that "little voice" inside me that talks to me. I'ts never wrong, but that's just how it works for me, and also only my opinion.

If you have a "little voice" inside you telling you that this whole arrangement your dominant has set up for your training is not on the up-and-up, and that's a distinct possibility because you are posing the question here on the boards, then most likely it isn't.

Go with your gut instinct always, and you'll be safer in the long run.....

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RE: sub training by someone other than your dom - 12/6/2008 8:01:47 PM

DrkJourney

Posts: 1917
Joined: 5/6/2007
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Not saying it doesn't happen that way, but when I've known of people being trained by someone other than their intended Dom/Domme it's usually for training as in rituals, ways to perform, etc. not for sex. Good Lord if he doesn't even have time to train you for sex the way he likes it, what time is he going to have for you any other time? If you insist on staying in this relationship, I'd have a sit down about boundaries, not know why you would even consider staying, if the situation is like what you say.

And trained by a relative? What if he wants you with other relatives and friends as well?

Man, I'd hate to be at that Thanksgiving table....LOL

Good luck to you! :>

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RE: sub training by someone other than your dom - 12/6/2008 8:05:10 PM

isoldePhoenixHse

Posts: 9
Joined: 5/9/2007
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My first mentor had me make an exensive list of what i thought i wanted, what i knew i wanted, and what i needed. For me finding the differance in wants and needs, was the hardest part. Then i made a list of limits. These limits were not just play elements (for me scat and face slapping would be on this play list) but also emotional, and everyday limits as well. These lists then helped us to compile what i thought i wanted at the time out of my relationship. This is what i used to start my search and a guide i used when negotiating the begining of my relationships.
I have updated these lists every few years.
In Leather
angel

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RE: sub training by someone other than your dom - 12/6/2008 8:06:18 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
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Not if Lordandmaster's doin' the training!

quote:

ORIGINAL: DrkJourney

Not saying it doesn't happen that way, but when I've known of people being trained by someone other than their intended Dom/Domme it's usually for training as in rituals, ways to perform, etc. not for sex.

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RE: sub training by someone other than your dom - 12/6/2008 8:20:07 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
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There is no one "correct way to train" Or not. What's correct will change from relationship to relationship, every one's "correct way" is different.

I personally would not agree to the senario, if he's to busy to train me himself he's to busy to own me date me and have me submit to him.

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelbaby22222

I am very new to this world. I have yet to actually act on this yet. But I was wondering if this is normal. The man that has chosen me is extremely busy and wants me to be trained by someone he trusts. Now I ask if this is normal. That I would be performing sexual pleasures with this man instead of my dom , until I am totally trained. He said that he wants to be sure I am ready for him. I am to go to a woman who will allow this man who is my trainer ..to show me ..what is expected of me. Here is my other question , how do you not (and this trainer, not) have feelings for each other..I already see this trainer wanting more with me. (but he says he will never act that way once I am Sirs) I said I don't believe he will be able to hide it..I can see it in his eyes. (oh and my sir and the trainer are family..)

Now I am also to be the Alpha B itch so he says that I will have others below me that will have to answer to me.. and I will have one person in a small room of our house that is there for me ..to run errands..do what ever I need her to do.

Is all this the correct ways of training..and actions..I want to be sure I have someone that knows what they are doing..since I am so new...

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RE: sub training by someone other than your dom - 12/6/2008 10:10:46 PM

WyldHrt

Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
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quote:

He is only telling me that he doesnt want to hurt me....he is saying that he doesnt want to push me into someone I do not know or am ready for. He said that this world can destroy a person who this is not meant for.

The last part is true, and the reason why you need to educate yourself and then make the decision if this is the lifestyle/ relationship you want.
Then he says this:

quote:

He only talked about sending his cousin to me to PUNISH me..for answering him incorrectly...Punish being spank...he also talked about letting his cousin use me in a sexual manner..

Say what?? I'm sorry, but he knows you are new yet he wants someone else to discipline you AND use you sexually? I'd be gone in 60 seconds.

quote:

..He also talked about taking me to a place to show me ..what it is like to watch a DOM and a SUB..since I am sooooo new very very new to this..to see if this is what i might want. Like I said nothing has happened..

The only thing watching others will show you is how THEIR dynamic works for them. It doesn't mean that said dynamic will work for you, or that what you see is the "twue" interaction between a Dom and sub. There is no such thing as a universally correct D/s interaction, as every relationship is different.

As others have said, it sounds an awful lot like he is lending you out to be his cousin's fucktoy. This would be a way hard limit for me. Any Dom who "Doesn't have time" to teach me himself (other than the workshops and classes mentioned above) isn't the Dom for me. Any Dom who wants someone else to come punish me when I fuck up instead of dealing with the underlying issue himself can find SOS (some other sub) to play that game with.
Please sit down and have a read of the boards and a long think about what you need, what you want, and what your gut says "HELL NO" to. I think you know the answer already.

Have to agree, this is a trainwreck waiting to happen.

_____________________________

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RE: sub training by someone other than your dom - 12/7/2008 6:38:16 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelbaby22222

He only talked about sending his cousin to me to PUNISH me..for answering him incorrectly...Punish being spank...he also talked about letting his cousin use me in a sexual manner.. ..He also talked about taking me to a place to show me ..what it is like to watch a DOM and a SUB..since I am sooooo new very very new to this..to see if this is what i might want. Like I said nothing has happened..

*ahem* - if someone was going to send their cousin to punish me for speaking/answering incorrectly and use me sexually, i would run FAR FAR FAR away ...but hey, that's me. i'm submissive and still retain my dignity ...and common sense.

if you enjoy being treated this way by a man (sorry, he doesn't deserve or earned the right to be called "dominant") who enjoys having you being used by others, then be prepared for an emotionless relationship ...there would be no special connection between you two that most of us have with our dominants.

as others have suggested - READ past threads and books. though there's no wrong or right way to do things, this guy sounds like a predator who delights in preying on kink newbies.

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RE: sub training by someone other than your dom - 12/7/2008 7:35:30 AM

angelbaby22222

Posts: 9
Joined: 12/6/2008
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There is so much information out there..that it gets confusing to me..overwhelming. Can someone tell me what a "healthy" situation is . I am so confused. I know that each persons life style is different. But can some explain to me..this style.

What attracted me to this particular person is this .....He is the ONLY person who knew exactly what I think and feel as a person. Meaning ..I want a man to take control...someone who can work and handle the daily aspects of life. I want to be the one to stay home and take care of his and the families needs. I am a care giver. (however I too was a corporate work aholic.) but I like to see to the little things in life..that people seem to over look.... He knew that I want a man to demand things of me..and reward me for things ...as I do the same for him in a way. When he does special things..such as call me in the middle of a busy day..just to show his concern, or love..I so appreciate that and do special things for his as a I guess you can say reward ...for thinking of me..
I know that his work gets very stressful to him.... Here is my question. I know that you are to do what ever your Master demands of you (sorry I dont know all the terms yet so..I may use the wording incorrectly) I am so new in this topic this is the pre 101 class...lol I ask a alot of questions since I am so new..and he gets upset.. So I am coming here.. I would lke to know the life of a DOM and a SUB in a healthy way. I want to see if this is the lifestyle that I want.. Where can I find this information.. I guess that would be the bast place to start.

I have already determined ..with everyones help that ..I am going to talk with him about the ways in which he is trying to handle this situation. I am NOT a toy. (thank goodness I have not done anything ) I will only be trained my him..the one who is chosing me as his SUB... outside workshops will be brought up. I didn't know what the meaning of Alpha bitch meant..until now..and I will NOT allow other woman..in my home...unless they are to help with outside errands ..etc..(no sexual contact at all) I am thankful to all of you who have helped in learning.
I am also thankful for this site.. since I really didnt't know who else to talk with..since I have NO friends who even come close to this life style.

I always thought I was different...with a strange side..and yes ..I have had an old boyfriend take me to a sex therapist..saying I was strange..and another...tell me..that I am boring..and when I bring up what I want..they just shut me out....I am so hunger for knowledge....

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RE: sub training by someone other than your dom - 12/7/2008 7:50:22 AM

Hissweetshiv

Posts: 200
Joined: 6/24/2005
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Angelbaby, a "healthy" situation is one where all parties concerned are safe, and comfortable with what everyone else is up to.
If you have a big issue with sharing your Man, and He wants you to be His Alpha, that's not a healthy situation. Nor is being farmed out to a cousin to "train" you.
The nilla men who shut you out or (heaven help us) tried to get you therapy - those weren't healthy situations either, because the 2 of you were obviously on different pages.
I wish you luck in your search for a Man who fits ~YOU~ and nobody else, but i honestly don't think this one is Him. I know how great it is when you find that first Dom who understands what's going on and knows how to talk to you as a submissive, but that does NOT mean He's the only One... trust me on this. Take your time, TALK TALK TALK lol.. open communication and complete honesty is very important in the lifestyle. And if something doesn't feel right, it isn't.
I'm not the world's greatest authority on the lifestyle or anything, but i have been with the same Man, o/l and r/t for over 6 years. If you have any questions, or need someone to bounce thoughts off of, please feel free to message me offlist.

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"Forget love...i'd rather fall in chocolate."

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RE: sub training by someone other than your dom - 12/7/2008 8:25:39 AM

mc1234

Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelbaby22222
What attracted me to this particular person is this .....He is the ONLY person who knew exactly what I think and feel as a person. Meaning ..I want a man to take control...someone who can work and handle the daily aspects of life. I want to be the one to stay home and take care of his and the families needs. I am a care giver. (however I too was a corporate work aholic.) but I like to see to the little things in life..that people seem to over look.... He knew that I want a man to demand things of me..and reward me for things ...as I do the same for him in a way. When he does special things..such as call me in the middle of a busy day..just to show his concern, or love..I so appreciate that and do special things for his as a I guess you can say reward ...for thinking of me..

Angel, a couple of things stood out to me in your post, and I thought I'd address them.

Yes, he's telling you that he knows what your deepest desires are. The problem is, it's pretty easy to guess what a submissive wants, in general. As a submissive, I, too, want a man to take control, to tell me what to do, to handle the decisions and handle the daily aspects of life while I take care of him in any way he wishes, including meeting his demands. There are many submissives who want this exact thing. So he's no Houdini when he's telling you things that many women want. Both of you are meeting one another's needs, in dominant and submissive roles, and if it works - if you both want the same things, both physically and emotionally, and the chemical connection is there - it can be beautiful. You just need to read the boards here to see some very special relationships from regular posters.

quote:

I ask a alot of questions since I am so new..and he gets upset.. So I am coming here..

You should be able to ask him 8,000 questions if necessary to make you comfortable. He shouldn't get upset having to explain what it is he wants from you and your relationship - I'd see that as a huge red flag.

quote:

I would lke to know the life of a DOM and a SUB in a healthy way.

It's just like any other healthy relationship, whether it's D/s or not. If both parties are happy, engaged with one another, fulfilled and moving forward together, you could assume it's a healthy relationship. Just because you're D/s doesn't mean all the other rules and descriptions of relationships get pushed to the wayside.

quote:

I want to see if this is the lifestyle that I want.. Where can I find this information.. I guess that would be the bast place to start.

You can google 'BDSM relationship' or other terms. You will find blogs you can read, articles and other sorts of info. You can look at a 'BDSM checklist' which is an extensive list of actual BDSM activities and you can see how you feel about each of them. Without ever, say, having been spanked, how do you know this is something you wish to experience? So it's kind of a primer at the moment, but it will give you a general feel for it.

There are also tons of actual book reading you can do. Screw the Roses, Give Me the Thorns is a great starting point. If you search here for 'BDSM reading list' you'll find a lot more. These are easily purchased at B&N or Amazon.

The important thing when entering a relationship is compatability - on all levels as vanilla relationships, and then adding in the D/s element. So it helps to at least have an idea of areas of where you're curious and where your limits may be. This is a fluid thing which will change as you gain experience, but it's a good starting point.

Feel free to email me on the other side if you'd like to chat or have any questions. I'd suggest showing your profile on the other side and engaging in dialogue with a lot of different people, doms and subs alike, and learning where you fit in this world, if you even want to be here in the first place. One of our regular posters recommends not getting in a committed relationship for, I think, it's 6 months maybe even a year, after discovering WIITWD. She makes a very very good point.

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RE: sub training by someone other than your dom - 12/10/2008 9:16:35 PM

saratoga41

Posts: 3
Joined: 1/25/2005
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I find the notion of one dominant training you to serve another to be ridiculous. Training is a process and activity that binds a couple- dominant and submissive- tightly together.

As a submissive, I become more aware of Her needs, desires, and style. If a dominant told me I was to be trained by one of her friends, rather than her, I'd be finished with that relationship post haste.

This idea that one dominant can either generically train you for others is, on the face of it, nonsensical. It's just a line to get you to play/submit, without the strings of a relationship, imo. If, on the other hand, your dominant wants you to train with another early in your relationship, you should worry. S/he doesn't value you sufficiently to train you. How will S/he have time for your relationship if S/he doesn't have time now to train you?

-saratoga

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RE: sub training by someone other than your dom - 12/11/2008 6:47:35 AM

bdaile

Posts: 69
Joined: 12/8/2008
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quote:

I ask a alot of questions since I am so new..and he gets upset..

i am new also, and i ask Master S a ton of questions. He has never once gotten upset with me as He knows that there are many things i still do not understand. i personally would not be with a man that got mad when i asked questions.

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Post #: 34