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Balancing Doms when Seeking - 12/6/2008 10:09:15 PM

MissM333

Posts: 2
Joined: 11/23/2008
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Hello - I am a new submissive that recently posted an ad (not same one as here) seeking a Dom for a long term D/s as well as vanilla relationship. I have met two in particular that I would like to get to know more. I'm taking my search very seriously and do not want to fully commit myself until I know I have found the right person in all ways.

Herein lies my problem. Because of the nature of D/s, I'm finding it challenging to handle the beginning of a new experience and several questions come to mind. Do I postpone any play until I get to know them? Can a sub casually see two men in a D/s sense while she's getting to know each?

I've been very up front and honest with each of the men I've met but I'm finding that, being the wonderful Doms that they are, they are seeking to own me right away, in an exclusive sense.

I'm curious to know if other subs have had similar challenges and how they've handled it.

Thanks very much.

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RE: Balancing Doms when Seeking - 12/6/2008 11:02:42 PM

WestBaySlave

Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
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    In terms of searching, my rule is the following: I stay open and honest with potential partners, but until I'm comfortable giving them some degree of control, I do what I think is best. It's as simple as that.

   There are many doms eager to own and own now, but remember that until you give yourself to them it is still your life.

   Now, if one of those doms is uncomfortable with the fact that you're seeing another casually, then it's his right to say "If you do that, you can't see me," or something to that effect.

   Personally, I'm looking for a serious reationship, so I don't usually play till I've narrowed my focus down to one. If I was in the market for play partners I'd act differently. But then, I have a monogamy fetish ( exclusivity is erotic!

)

   As always, YMMV and this is just the way I do things.

(in reply to MissM333)

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RE: Balancing Doms when Seeking - 12/7/2008 12:06:03 AM

SirMIkeSD

Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
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Before you consider allowing one of them to own you make sure you meet and get to know them in REAL LIFE. There is a good chance that if you have not actually meet them that they will disappear or give you one excuse after the other as to why they can not meet you.

Mike

(in reply to WestBaySlave)

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RE: Balancing Doms when Seeking - 12/7/2008 12:39:42 AM

agirl

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Joined: 6/14/2004
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There's nothing wonderful about doms that want to 'own' people right away. If you're still getting to know them, then they are still getting to know YOU............so they don't really know what they are hoping to 'own'.

You can see who you like, for as long as you like, in whatever WAY you'd like ..........whether the doms in question will hang around is a different matter.

agirl

(in reply to MissM333)

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RE: Balancing Doms when Seeking - 12/7/2008 1:50:08 AM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
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Just remember, a relationship, any kind of relationship is going impact your life, your lifestyle, what you do, where you go, the friends you have, the music that plays in the house, the types of foods you eat...etc etc etc

Dont have to rush...

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Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

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RE: Balancing Doms when Seeking - 12/7/2008 2:11:58 AM

lally3

Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
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hi

ive had some great advice on this and its basically this:

allow the process to flow. youre still a free agent and can talk to and meet whoever you want while the process is flowing and the decision hasnt been made. eventually, after spending some time getting to know a person youll sense who works best with you and youll naturally flow in their direction. at the moment you are not exclusively anyones and as WBS says, its your life and everyone else has said, theres no need to rush in and you shouldnt be pressured.

a good Dom will wish for you to make the right decision for yourself, they should be patient, understand that others will come along and want to get to know you too. you can be fairly sure theyre talking to other subs aswell, simply because the whole process of getting to know on the net is a whole different ball game to when people finally meet face to face.

what youre doing is the right thing. keeping things open, keeping it all up front.

as for play with someone, well, since youre not exclusively anyones right now youre free to do exactly as you please.

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RE: Balancing Doms when Seeking - 12/7/2008 2:18:36 AM

shatteredrose

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Joined: 6/29/2007
Status: offline

I've found myself in the same position. At one time, I was balancing 3 Doms. Thankfully, they each required basically the same things from me, so I never felt that I was countering what one was wanting.

It did ultimately sort itself out, and I'm now with only one.

But you should take your time, and the right one will eventually surface for you

(in reply to lally3)

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RE: Balancing Doms when Seeking - 12/7/2008 4:31:35 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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quote:

I'm finding that, being the wonderful Doms that they are, they are seeking to own me right away, in an exclusive sense.

They are doing this because they fear you will choose the other guy. They are insecure. Not wonderful.

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- Albert Einstein

(in reply to MissM333)

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RE: Balancing Doms when Seeking - 12/7/2008 5:41:58 AM

lally3

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Joined: 3/4/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

I'm finding that, being the wonderful Doms that they are, they are seeking to own me right away, in an exclusive sense.

They are doing this because they fear you will choose the other guy. They are insecure. Not wonderful.

sadly so - on the whole.

people who seek to own you right away are jumping the gun massively - theres nothing wrong with fliriting a bit and often a D will flex his Domy muscles playfully and thats fun so long as its not done so much that it interferes with the open honest communication between two adults trying to find a genuine, lasting match. but owning you before you meet, unless youre looking for on-line, isnt realistic.

getting to know a person on the net is totally different to getting to know a person in real time. theres a thing called chemistry that is a total bugger - its amazing how much that can screw up an apparently bonzer liaison.

its been said before and ill say it here. but its when you guys actually meet that the relationship will either start for real or end right there.

as a subbie you need to protect yourself against something called 'sub drop'. that happens when a subbie connects with a D on the net, gets hooked into the intensity of it all and then the meet occurs, it doesnt work out and you go into a big downer. its not the D you miss, but the contact and the so called ownership he claimed over you, the control he exerted and there is a great big gap where he used to be, but in reality never was and in all honesty should not have gone.

its boring i know, cos its much more fun to just enjoy the frenzy of feelings and run with the whole whoopeedooness of it all.

balancing doms isnt what it is. not youre job really. its about doing the right thing by yourself and taking it slowly and refusing to get bamboozled into something that really isnt for sure until you meet.

one other thing, just something that happens and not in any way meant as a slant at the guys youre talking to right now. but there are predators out there, who talk the talk and charm newbie subbies into agreeing to play first meet. sometimes thats genuine enough, sometimes it isnt, sometimes theyre just looking for some fun. fine if youre fine with that and can accept it for what it ends up being, take responsiblity for your adult choice to do it and dont end up beating yourself up afterwards, it can be a seriously negative place to go if afterwards they drop off the map and your submission to them is still up there wondering what the hell you did wrong.

its all about adult choice - yours not theirs

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(in reply to KatyLied)

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RE: Balancing Doms when Seeking - 12/7/2008 5:48:05 AM

KatyLied

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Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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quote:

people who seek to own you right away are jumping the gun massively

I always remind them "please do not project" immediately to ownership and a collar. Allow the relationship to develop. You never know what will happen as a relationship evolves and ownership is often a possibility. But not immediately. At least not for me.

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“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

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RE: Balancing Doms when Seeking - 12/7/2008 6:34:31 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

There's nothing wonderful about doms that want to 'own' people right away. If you're still getting to know them, then they are still getting to know YOU............so they don't really know what they are hoping to 'own'.

You can see who you like, for as long as you like, in whatever WAY you'd like ..........whether the doms in question will hang around is a different matter.

agirl

Well stated and I can only add: selection is a two way process.

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RE: Balancing Doms when Seeking - 12/7/2008 8:47:04 AM

MissM333

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Joined: 11/23/2008
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Thank you all, so much for such thoughtful and wonderful replies. I may have not been clear in my first message...but I have met both Doms a couple of times. On both occasions I waited to play until our second meeting.

I don't have any problems with playing so quickly and understand the risks (I'm in my mid 40's). To be honest, having recently discovered this side of myself, I find it difficult to refrain from playing...my physical responses are very intense.

What has put me off is that they have both decided that they want a long term thing with me so quickly. This makes me leery, because I know this is not because of who I am as a person (they don't know me yet!) but rather the sexual reaction.

So in the meantime, I'm telling them that this will be casual until we get to know each other. I'm curious...for those of you who were seeking a LTR, how long did you wait to play?

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RE: Balancing Doms when Seeking - 12/7/2008 9:09:00 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Just because you don't know if you want to be with either of them exclusively doesn't mean their feelings are invalid. The Man says he knew immediately I was the right one for him. It took me a little longer.

Don't commit until you're sure. And if all you want for right now is to play casually, then tell them that. Don't hold out hopes for a relationship if you don't think it can happen.

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