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RE: How to encourage him to take control? - 12/9/2008 9:03:03 PM

leadership527

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Well, I've never been particularly sexually assertive. In fact, I had a ton of hangups over it. My wife had been trying various ways to help me over the years of our marriage but to no avail. For me, at least, her becoming my slave seems to have done it. She has given herself to me so thoroughly that it gets through all my "bad tapes" in my head. She is so clearly happy to be mine that it's hard to track the bad thoughts. Note, I wouldn't exactly think it'd work for everyone, but it did (or at least, is in the process of) working for me.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: How to encourage him to take control? - 12/9/2008 9:05:44 PM

leadership527

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Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Get naked, lay across his knee and ask him to spank you. Be vocal about how much you like it. Squirm around, when he stops after a bit and decides he would rather have sex, be all over him. Then a couple of days later, tell him how much you can't stop thinking about it and would he please do it again real soon. Do this while rubbing up against him. The time after that, ask him if he could do it harder. Be vocal, be appreciative, ask for a repeat, etc etc.

*laughs* Oh that is evil Des... just plain evil.... blatant manipulation of us poor men. I'll have to copy this one to my wife *laughs* she likes ideas like this.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: How to encourage him to take control? - 12/9/2008 11:20:45 PM

MarcEsadrian

Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: foxima

I just don't understand how a man who can be so dominant out of the bedroom doesn't want to take advantage of being able to be dominant *in* the bedroom. I don't want to pressure him into doing anything he does not want to, but is there a way to kind of *encourage* him to take more control without pushing him into doing anything he may not enjoy? He's such a dominant person in regular life.

Thanks :)

Encourage a man to take control? I suppose there are ways to do this. A direct physical entreaty of some kind may be effective. One thing you may want to avoid is putting him on a throne you build for this purpose, for the boss is just a puppet of the boss maker. Then again, you do seem to speak of things mostly in a sensual context. Perhaps you are looking for the eros of submission and dominance mostly? Dominance and submission for bedroom entertainment vs. a structured way of life in the home from day to day are two entirely different worlds, of course.

< Message edited by MarcEsadrian -- 12/9/2008 11:26:05 PM >

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RE: How to encourage him to take control? - 12/10/2008 7:47:34 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Get naked, lay across his knee and ask him to spank you. Be vocal about how much you like it. Squirm around, when he stops after a bit and decides he would rather have sex, be all over him. Then a couple of days later, tell him how much you can't stop thinking about it and would he please do it again real soon. Do this while rubbing up against him. The time after that, ask him if he could do it harder. Be vocal, be appreciative, ask for a repeat, etc etc.

*laughs* Oh that is evil Des... just plain evil.... blatant manipulation of us poor men. I'll have to copy this one to my wife *laughs* she likes ideas like this.

Not evil, just ordinary everyday positive reinforcement. Works a lot better than negative reinforcement "How come you aren't like those doms on collarme, they don't have any trouble spanking their subs? Huh?"

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RE: How to encourage him to take control? - 12/10/2008 8:10:52 PM

ExKat

Posts: 300
Joined: 8/25/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: foxima

We were cuddling after sex tonight and I said "You know you can do pretty much anything you want to me during sex, right?"
He just said "I know"

I know? I KNOW? That's the sort of thing that a man says to a whining woman, not the sort of thrilled acceptance of sexual free license that a man jumping and eager to start beating you would give.

"Honey, you should wear the blue sweater, you know I bought that for you and it looks handsome!!"
"I know."
"Honey, you told me you'd take out the trash this morning! It's been sitting there for three days!!"
"I know."

To be honest, it sounds like your boyfriend is in no way your dominant. He agreed to have slightly rough sex to stop you from nagging him about it for a few weeks, but I think that rough sex hardly falls into the BDSM category. Real-life dominance doesn't really translate to dominance in the bedroom, and, in fact, can be quite the opposite. Many male subs have extremely powerful public personas.

How do you encourage him? Be blatently obvious. Hinting and pussyfooting around the subject clearly isn't working-you need to buy him a legitimate BDSM 101 book, TELL him to read it, and then ask him flat-out if he's interested in domming you. Men can be, occasionally (most of the time), thick. They're less sensitive to quiet, passive-agressive hints than women are. If he agrees to top you to please you, understand that you will never have the dominant master you seek...you'll have a man who grudgingly agrees to sate your masochism under your precise instructions.

Maybe he'll be really into things after reading about them. Maybe he won't be, and then you'll have to decide whether you want to stay in a relationship that's sexually-unfulfilling.

~Katie978, reformed attempted-changer-of-vanilla-boyfriend-into-kinky-boyfriend.

_____________________________

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In the forums, it'll usually be Katie you're speaking to.
testing
"That's the plan/ Rule the world/ You and me/ Anyday ::wink::"

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RE: How to encourage him to take control? - 1/16/2009 5:02:51 AM

NecesitesMe

Posts: 38
Joined: 12/15/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: foxima

I am in a long term relationship of a couple of years. My partner is dominant in everyday life, but I feel like I need for him to push my limits more in the bedroom. I have no experience with BDSM, I just know that I want more control on his part. Not so much into toys or bondage at this time. To begin with, I'd just like more assertiveness, holding me by my neck, dirty talk, spanking, and *taking* sex rather than asking for it (he seems to be doing this more as of late, though :D), perhaps sex in what may be a public place, etc.

How do I encourage him to be more dominant in bed? At this time I doubt that he could/would go far enough to even start pushing my limits, but as we haven't gone that far to begin with I can't speak from experience and don't know for sure! I know I enjoy a bit of pain and I love feeling like I have no control over a situation. I've suggested getting a safe word before to suggest to him that I'm welcome to doing more 'risque' things in the bedroom, but he said there wouldn't be any need for it anyway :(. I try to encourage him whenever he does something like I've described during sex (example: saying "I love it when you hold me down by the neck like that" after he did this during sex and communicating that I'm enjoying it while he's doing it during the act as well). I feel like I just need more. As to why - I'm not sure. I think that him being completely in control makes me feel 'safe' and completely *his* somehow.

I just don't understand how a man who can be so dominant out of the bedroom doesn't want to take advantage of being able to be dominant *in* the bedroom. I don't want to pressure him into doing anything he does not want to, but is there a way to kind of *encourage* him to take more control without pushing him into doing anything he may not enjoy? He's such a dominant person in regular life.

Thanks :)

One thing to consider is this. Sometimes a man marries a woman he had great respect for. Specifically, she's not "just another girl," rather she's THE girl. She is THE girl that you don't talk about in the lockerroom or the sports bar. She is your princess, she's is the one you stand up and fight for should anyone disrespect her.

Sometimes it's easier for a man to be Dominant to "just some girl" rather than to "his girl." Perhaps you could try selling him on the idea that you will still be his china doll or Madonna (not singer), but you want to also be his "slut girl" in private.

Men are very visual. Maybe some dress-up to differentiate "you his slut" from "you his wife."
Just a thought.

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RE: How to encourage him to take control? - 1/16/2009 5:44:22 AM

DarkSteven

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A couple of thoughts.

1. You're only twenty. He may be the same age or close to it. If so, I would expect that you're both at the age to explore rather than to say that D/s is "the way".

2. I know a lot of sub women who have to be in control all day long and just want to submit in bed. Maybe your man is like that - he's been in charge all day and wants you to take the lead in bed. You've brought things up in such a way that he can't broach this if that's the case.

Why not just ask him if he'd like you to take the lead in bed, and see what happens? You may not end up with your fantasy 100%, but you will have opened dialogue and could come to some compromise.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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