First post, butting heads, differing views? (Full Version)

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subboy83 -> First post, butting heads, differing views? (12/27/2005 10:03:58 PM)

Ok, well this is my first post here and I guess I'm having an issue. (Pardon my capitalization of the letter I for those that may be offended, I just prefer proper grammer and usage of the language.)
The issue I'm having is that the woman I've decided to submit to and I are butting heads. We seem to be made for each other in some ways, such as her sadistic appettite and my masochistic hunger. But in other ways we see things completely differently.

For instance, I'm posting on this board after reading an entry she had posted somewhere that said if I were truly submissive I'd do more research and that I'd be trying to find some sort of way to satisfy my submissive hunger.

However, I see it this way, number one, I'm not familiar with message boards and wouldn't know if anyone replied and how quickly etc... number two, if I think I've found perfection in her, why would I want to even think about submitting to someone else.

(This goes back to a discussion she and I had about bottoming vs. subbing.)

There is a bit of an age difference between the two of us, and I'm wondering if it is that or my general lack of training that is creating a problem.

Hope to hear some responses back on this.



veronicaofML -> RE: First post, butting heads, differing views? (12/27/2005 10:41:25 PM)

said if I were truly submissive
----------

yeah yeah yeah

one more domme spouting trueisms...

gawd i hate em

there is NO true way..except your own



wetsub000 -> RE: First post, butting heads, differing views? (12/28/2005 12:12:42 AM)

I don't think it's a question of training or age. It just seems that as you quite rightly pointed out, you see things completely differently. Personally I'm wary of any Dom/me who tries to convince me that their's is the only way/viewpoint.

It's up to you though to figure out if the compatibilities with this person outweigh the differences.



JohnWarren -> RE: First post, butting heads, differing views? (12/28/2005 5:11:35 AM)

I'm personally leery of anyone who starts a statement "If you were a true..."

Of course, that could be a style thing.

The only people who can decide if the relationship is to survive is both of you. But, it's a red flag when a dominant directs a submissive to a message board to find out how to get his needs met. It sorts of screams "I don't want to meet your needs."

Again, it may be style.



subboy83 -> RE: First post, butting heads, differing views? (12/28/2005 6:00:10 AM)

I mean I will be the first to admit that I haven't always been good and obedient. For instance she asked me to come and meet her at a specific time after I would be off from work.

My boss essentially asked me to stay longer, (they hadn't evaluated my work on a project and given me the OK to go home yet.)

When they did it was 30 mins. from when I was supposed to meet her, the designated deadline. I thought I was doing the right thing by calling her and telling her that I had just gotten out of work. When we had discussed meeting four hours before she had told me to get some things of mine from home before coming to meet her.

Perhaps because of my frustrations at work, I didn't think to ask for more time to go and get these items and then to meet her and instead offered that I could go straight to see her or I could go home to pick up the things and then to meet her but that I would be late.

Also earlier in the evening I had come clean that I hadn't done something else she asked me to do, and I knew I would be punished for that, however; I wasn't trying to avoid punishment.

She said not to come and later said that it been because I had annoyed her by having not done as she asked, and also by my attitude problem and not asking for more time when I called.

My attitude I'll admit was inexcuseable, my voice probably carried a bit of frustration at work with some notes of relief that I was finally out in it.

She too has been under a lot of stress lately from various factors.

So does this help any with advice on how she and I can come to a resolution or better understanding of each other?

It to me at times seems as though she expects me to instinctively know what it is that I am supposed to do. While to a certain extent I know how to make people happy, everyone is different and at this early stage I feel the need to be told what to do.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: First post, butting heads, differing views? (12/28/2005 6:02:44 AM)

I think the problem is that you are both posting issues in an online forum instead of just TALKING TO EACHOTHER.



tasha_tart -> RE: First post, butting heads, differing views? (12/28/2005 7:50:53 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I think the problem is that you are both posting issues in an online forum instead of just TALKING TO EACHOTHER.


Bingo!

While these boards can be a tremendous resource, they are no substitute for face to face communication.

If he is posting because of a posting saying...I'm getting dizzy...then there is a problem in this relationship.

If she is, or he thinks she could be, his Mistress, then "...I'd do more research and that I'd be trying to find some sort of way to satisfy my submissive hunger" should be a definite red flag. It seems there really is a lack of compatibility and/or a major failure to communicate.

Tasha



AAkasha -> RE: First post, butting heads, differing views? (12/28/2005 8:05:20 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: subboy83

I mean I will be the first to admit that I haven't always been good and obedient. For instance she asked me to come and meet her at a specific time after I would be off from work.

My boss essentially asked me to stay longer, (they hadn't evaluated my work on a project and given me the OK to go home yet.)

When they did it was 30 mins. from when I was supposed to meet her, the designated deadline. I thought I was doing the right thing by calling her and telling her that I had just gotten out of work. When we had discussed meeting four hours before she had told me to get some things of mine from home before coming to meet her.

Perhaps because of my frustrations at work, I didn't think to ask for more time to go and get these items and then to meet her and instead offered that I could go straight to see her or I could go home to pick up the things and then to meet her but that I would be late.

Also earlier in the evening I had come clean that I hadn't done something else she asked me to do, and I knew I would be punished for that, however; I wasn't trying to avoid punishment.

She said not to come and later said that it been because I had annoyed her by having not done as she asked, and also by my attitude problem and not asking for more time when I called.

My attitude I'll admit was inexcuseable, my voice probably carried a bit of frustration at work with some notes of relief that I was finally out in it.

She too has been under a lot of stress lately from various factors.

So does this help any with advice on how she and I can come to a resolution or better understanding of each other?

It to me at times seems as though she expects me to instinctively know what it is that I am supposed to do. While to a certain extent I know how to make people happy, everyone is different and at this early stage I feel the need to be told what to do.


If what happened is that you called her to tell her you were going to be late and it was ALREADY 30 minutes past the time you were supposed to be there, then yes, I'd be irritated too. Am I reading this correctly?

It's not a dominant/submissive thing, it's a matter of courtesy. You should have called when you realized you would not be on time, *before* the time you were supposed to arrive. I'd expect the same thing from a friend or family member.

Akasha



MzticStormz -> RE: First post, butting heads, differing views? (12/28/2005 9:23:37 AM)

Before this gets further out of hand.. I am the Mistress in question and yes we are having communication issues.. This relationship is new.. and I stepped back to give him room to learn a bit.. I had hoped to direct him to boards and online as I personally do not want to be his ONLY source for learning of this lifestyle. Before this I had not seen him pursue any sort of information from the submissive point of view. (It was , and I should have made myself more clear, not a directive to ask for advice per say but to read and learn more so that he might have found a better way to express himself and what he is going thorough) As far as him being a "true submissive" This is something he needs to discover for himself again I was hoping not to be his only source to find out for himself if this is the direction he wishes to go. (and deffinately not to submit to anyone else, this was another misunderstanding)

I had chosen to limit contact with him as it was easy for him to talk, get distracted and such so I directed him to use a journal for a couple of weeks as a way to communicate.
As to the being late thing.. it was not the cause, but yet one more of many situations that had come up where he had not done as told.

Thank you all for your responses..

There are many sides (as with all situations) to this and we will work them out. I am learning him just as he is learning me.

Mz Stormz



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: First post, butting heads, differing views? (12/28/2005 9:31:44 AM)

I still think the best way to work through this is you two talking and working directly.

But I had this issue with my local partner as well. At first I thought I was just not being clear enough in my orders, assuming to much, not yet through the normal training and getting to understand my style period. So I became very specific, very detailed and clear with time limits. When this still didn't work I began to have doubts. He claimed he wanted my discipline, he claimed he wanted to be of service to me, and I believed his sincerity.

However, good intentions do not equal good service and my patience was running thin.

One of the final straws was when we went to a group lunch together. I informed him beforehand that he would be in charge of getting us there, directions, parking, timing and I would follow in my car. I did this because I hate driving, I hate driving to new places in cities and I knew he would enjoy the opportunity to take that stress from me.

He did a horrible job, almost missing exits, having no idea about parking and making me highly frustrated.

Once we finally got out of the cars and into the street, I shoved him against the wall and snakred very loudly at him that "I've never thought you were stupid and incapable but you're doing a really great job of proving me wrong."

He claims now that this was the point he started falling in love with me. There was one incident after this, which had me seriously thinking that I was out of solutions and if he didn't respond soon that I would have to just stop. But we talked a lot and I think he eventually caught on and, in some ways, just got out of his own way of overthinking and self-doubt and just started DOING it and has been pretty doing excellent progress since then.



LadyJulieAnn -> RE: First post, butting heads, differing views? (12/28/2005 3:41:25 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MzticStormz

Before this gets further out of hand.. I am the Mistress in question and yes we are having communication issues.. This relationship is new.. and I stepped back to give him room to learn a bit.. I had hoped to direct him to boards and online as I personally do not want to be his ONLY source for learning of this lifestyle. Before this I had not seen him pursue any sort of information from the submissive point of view. (It was , and I should have made myself more clear, not a directive to ask for advice per say but to read and learn more so that he might have found a better way to express himself and what he is going thorough) As far as him being a "true submissive" This is something he needs to discover for himself again I was hoping not to be his only source to find out for himself if this is the direction he wishes to go. (and deffinately not to submit to anyone else, this was another misunderstanding)

I had chosen to limit contact with him as it was easy for him to talk, get distracted and such so I directed him to use a journal for a couple of weeks as a way to communicate.
As to the being late thing.. it was not the cause, but yet one more of many situations that had come up where he had not done as told.

Thank you all for your responses..

There are many sides (as with all situations) to this and we will work them out. I am learning him just as he is learning me.

Mz Stormz



I hope you both are able to work out your differences. I've always felt that the best way for a submissive to learn about things from a submissive point of view is through taking with his or her dominant. In the past when I have decided to pursue relationships with subs, it was through our strong communication and discussions about feelings and thoughts throughout the "getting to know each other" phase that helped us to learn more about each other and ourselves. Sure there are many sites that discuss submission, but many are written specifically for the female submissive, or are simply one person's point of view (the boards being the exception). I read many sites when I was new to the lifestyle, but I also knew my style and stayed true to it as I learned. It was by talking with my serious subs that I learned the most about myself, and that is still the case.

It sounds as if your sub is having issues with getting things done. Do you think he's seeking punishment? That would be one thing I would want to find out.

Be well,
Julie



Nendarye -> RE: First post, butting heads, differing views? (12/28/2005 6:38:14 PM)

quote:

We seem to be made for each other in some ways, such as her sadistic appettite and my masochistic hunger


Maybe you are more suited as play partners?

quote:

I'm posting on this board after reading an entry she had posted somewhere that said if I were truly submissive I'd do more research and that I'd be trying to find some sort of way to satisfy my submissive hunger.


I would think as your Mistress that she would be wanting to talk to you about this, instead of letting you read in on a board somewhere.

quote:

There is a bit of an age difference between the two of us, and I'm wondering if it is that or my general lack of training that is creating a problem.


Age has nothing to do with it.

I am sorry, but I am having a hard time understanding why she would not discuss with YOU. It makes no sense to me. Master would never post something on a board that he was unhappy about with me, without first talking to me about it.



MzticStormz -> RE: First post, butting heads, differing views? (12/28/2005 7:16:45 PM)

Again thank you everyone for your replies.
I agree with keeping open and strong communications. When someone is so new to the lifestyle that they are learning who they are, or if they truly want this lifestyle I believe in that person finding information in more places than just one person. This sub and I have only just started to learn each other. And he misinterpreted and paraphrased much of something that I posted in a journal entry (NOT on boards somewhere as suggested). He and I have discussed this. I have directed him to read, form opinions, and ask questions of myself as well as others. I also in the future intend to introduce him to local groups (would have already but with the holidays….not easy this time of year to do) I never once meant for him to find submissive fulfillment online but to use it as just one more source for information.

As far as Julie’s question about punishment, when I know this person better then I will deal with punishment but I feel it is premature at this point to assume anything.

It has been years since I have dealt with someone this new, and I have to relearn some of the basics again. I agree that age is not a factor but the amount of experience seems to be an issue for us right now. We will work it out, one way or another with good honest open communication.


Mz Stormz



Nendarye -> RE: First post, butting heads, differing views? (12/28/2005 9:55:47 PM)

I do apologize Maam. I had not seen your previous post. But that does not excuse me from the rude comments that I made.



sothernnyte -> RE: First post, butting heads, differing views? (12/28/2005 10:08:49 PM)

subboy,
no offense to you or your Domme, but it seems that maybe She isnt the One for you.
a Domme/sub relationship is like any other relationship in that if you arent with one you are compatible with, it wont work. having a few differences is normal. we are not all the same. but when it gets to a point that there is nothing but discord, especially if it occurred quickly, shows that it isnt going to work.
two options, talk these differences out with your Domme. compromise, negotiate. if that isnt possible, maybe a split is best. of course... you may think of other options.
a person can be awful to one they are with, but when put with another... they could be the moon and stars. maybe this isnt your match.

sincerely
sothernnyte



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: First post, butting heads, differing views? (12/30/2005 12:31:28 AM)

If you are butting heads and seeing things completely differently, you can choose one of two things: you could find someone more compatible to whom you could submit without so much pain, or you could shut up and submit whether you feel she is right or wrong.
I definitely wouldn't send someone to message boards to get a clue on how to please me, unless it's my personal message. If there is something said by someone I respect, I will tend to refer mine to read a specific person for a specific reason.
Good luck, M



addcted2it -> RE: First post, butting heads, differing views? (12/30/2005 6:08:45 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: subboy83

Ok, well this is my first post here and I guess I'm having an issue. (Pardon my capitalization of the letter I for those that may be offended, I just prefer proper grammer and usage of the language.)
The issue I'm having is that the woman I've decided to submit to and I are butting heads. We seem to be made for each other in some ways, such as her sadistic appettite and my masochistic hunger. But in other ways we see things completely differently.

For instance, I'm posting on this board after reading an entry she had posted somewhere that said if I were truly submissive I'd do more research and that I'd be trying to find some sort of way to satisfy my submissive hunger.

However, I see it this way, number one, I'm not familiar with message boards and wouldn't know if anyone replied and how quickly etc... number two, if I think I've found perfection in her, why would I want to even think about submitting to someone else.

(This goes back to a discussion she and I had about bottoming vs. subbing.)

There is a bit of an age difference between the two of us, and I'm wondering if it is that or my general lack of training that is creating a problem.

Hope to hear some responses back on this.


It sounds like you and she might not be on the same page at all.

We know how you feel about the relationship, but how does she feel?

It also appears that you are somewhat younger than she is, and that may be what is causing the strife between you both.

And then there is the fact that some people are just too difficult to get along with.

I am sorry to say this but I do not see this relationship lasting very long, but good luck to you anyway.

- addcted2it



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