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CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Closed Relationships (12/11/2008 5:33:38 PM)
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My parents were born in 1925. They married, raised children, and were faithful to each other for as long as my mother was alive (she died over a decade ago). My dad has been dating several women since. He has no interest in re-marrying (he's 83 years old, and can't imagine living full-time with another woman in the house his wife and he shared... and he can't imagine moving). When I asked him about his current lady friends... in plural (yes, they all know about one another)...he mentioned to me that back in the day, when he and my mother were dating, it was not unusual for a young man or young woman to date several individuals at the same time. It wasn't until someone decided to 'go steady'... often several months into a relationship... that the pairing became 'exclusive'. My poppy was pretty popular in the day, and my momma as well (she was a Zigfield dancer). They were older when they met, and didn't marry until they were in their late 20s. My dad had dated women on two continents and two islands by then.
My parents married in 1950. From 1950 until 1996, whether they were together or apart, they were faithful to one another. My mother tolerated poppy's penthouse magazines, and read her own novels for titillation, but neither of them ever strayed from the marriage bed. They weren't always happy, and having lived through three depressions, they faced their share of challenges, but doggoned if they didn't make things work for over 4 and a half decades.
I love and respect my parents relationships, but one thing that I learned from them was that love is unbounded. That it has no limits. They provided me with the very first logic that helped me to realize who I was and how I love. Though it wasn't their way, they have cherished my companions (my father still does), and accepted my experiments with both poly and monogamy, with equanimity if not always comprehension. Seeing them, and seeing successful relationships around me (primarily monogamous, since polyamory and open marriages weren't really a public 'thing' in the area in which I was raised until the last 5 years or so -- in fact, I grew up not even knowing that homosexuality existed until I was -well- into high-school and out on my own!) taught me that it is possible to have healthy relationships, but seeing monogamous relationships didn't incline me to anything other than being honest and being myself. My parents taught me that honesty, along with integrity, hope, and respect (including self-respect), and I bring those to every encounter that I have now. How much more could anyone ask?
I believe, inherently, that people should follow their spirit when it comes to love. They should believe their gut and their heart when considering whether to become involved in a monogamous or polyamorous relationship. I have seen many, many happy monogamous relationships, and certainly there are fewer social landmines in choosing the more traditional monogamous road, so for someone who is troubled by the ethics, social complications, or personal tangles of poly, it is not only possible but likely -preferable- to be extraordinarily happy in monogamy. However, monogamy, despite its current preference in our culture, is neither preferable, nor ethically superior to any other relationship form overall, and may even be ethically compromising if, in order to remain in a monogamous relationship, one must deny parts of oneself.
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