RE: Need Advice! (Full Version)

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Rassitter -> RE: Need Advice! (12/28/2005 11:35:00 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross


quote:

ORIGINAL: Rassitter
I have not called anyone weak, so do not put words in my mouth. I was talking about her specific position.

No you did not call anyone weak. But you did specifically mention her possibly lacking the willpower to do something directly, and then immediately after mentioned YOU would do it directly, and then somehow brought up her being a sub.

This obviously leads one to conclude that you felt there was some relationship between possibly lacking willpower/dealing with things directly and being a sub.


Really, is it that the obvious conclusion? I don't think so, I think you like to take things the way you want. I was talking about her, and she was the one that stated that it took tremendous amount of will power to not contact him and was afraid to do it, not me. Once again I was just stating I had never been in her situation.




gingersnap7789 -> RE: Need Advice! (12/28/2005 11:37:29 AM)

Thanks Shayna-that was good example of how to give good advice without being overly aggressive and pushy. It is very much appreciated. I like the suggestion that I give the one-time warning only. Well, apparently this is something I have to grapple with and decide what my best course of action will be. Thanks again.




brightspot -> RE: Need Advice! (12/28/2005 11:39:32 AM)

quote:

Why should HE have to leave? They had a bad breakup, that doesn't give her rights to where he can and can't go. It would be very wrong of him to show up at the party after she's let him know she will be there (same as it would be wrong of her to show up after he's let her know he will be there). That doesn't make it ok to play games and put OTHER nice hosts in the middle of a break up.


I suggested this, if she were to ask him NOT to be there and he then shows up just to mess with her.
I also think if it were a hosted party that letting the host know of the situation before hand
only appropriate as opposed to an issuse arising where it can be avoided.

This being a public open party, I would either not go or you can go and let the chips fall where they may, which may be him showing up and being respectful of your space, but it seems to me the way you worded you opening post that there were problems, hence the break-up. Maybe he will cause problems for you maybe not, like I said list the pro's and con's of possible scenario's that may happen out of your knowledge of him and then make your decison. If you do decide to go, go and have a good time whether he is there or not, you are free to do as you please. I would hope you would let your date know he may be there.
If problems arise or you feel uncomfortable ignore him or leave. If he gets overwelmed and acts out, I am sure he would be asked to leave by someone.


*Brightspot




swtnsparkling -> RE: Need Advice! (12/28/2005 11:43:50 AM)

questions: when did he ask you to let him know if you would be down south? Did he ask you when it ended to in the future let him know? and would this mean anytime you are ever down south he wants you to let him know? If its over its over, he is a big boy he should be able to handle it if he ever runs into you at some point in time

Could be once you tell him you are attending he will then show up. ya never know.

If it ended badly and you don't wish to have any contact with him. I wouldn't send a email telling him where I'd be. You said it took a lot of willpower not to contact him after it ended so don't do it now. Just let it go, stay out of contact.




brightspot -> RE: Need Advice! (12/28/2005 11:46:34 AM)

quote:

Thus perpetuating the myth that subs are weak fragile creatures who need super powers to withstand the wicked barely-controlled wrath that is the dom.


Whether a Dom or a Vanilla man, women who leave a situation where they were controlled by an individual, the time they decide to leave for good, they have a much
higher percentage rate of being seriously hurt by said individual and in a lot of instances murdered. This is No myth.


*Brightspot




LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Need Advice! (12/28/2005 11:48:51 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: brightspot
Whether a Dom or a Vanilla man, women who leave a situation where they were controlled by an individual, the time they decide to leave for good, they have a much
higher percentage rate of being seriously hurt by said individual and in a lot of instances murdered. This is No myth

I'm not going to participate in the continued demonization of someone just because a chick here is worried about sending him an email (which he specifically requested so that HE could avoid HER as well),

He hasn't done anything wrong and there's absolutely no evidence to suggest he would do anything wrong. And yet we're all trying to protect the "sweet little sub" who just wants to go to a party and can't send an email when she agreed to do so.




Synocense -> RE: Need Advice! (12/28/2005 11:56:50 AM)

Agreed. The OP agreed to let her former master know if she were going to destination X. She is going. What exactly is there to mull over? Nothing as I see it. Do as you said you would, honey. It has nothing to do with control, it has to do with integrity and consideration. Send an Email.

Syn




brightspot -> RE: Need Advice! (12/28/2005 11:58:11 AM)

quote:

And yet we're all trying to protect the "sweet little sub" who just wants to go to a party and can't send an email when she agreed to do so.


Well maybe LuckyA there are "sweet subs" out there that are not as experienced or have as strong a sense of self as you do. Or lack a good sense of problem solving, I would rather try and support anyone who asked than be verbose and put them down and make them feel bad. I don't see anywhere in her OP that she agreed to let him know anything.

*Brightspot




LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Need Advice! (12/28/2005 12:02:22 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: brightspot
I would rather try and support anyone who asked than be verbose and put them down and make them feel bad. I don't see anywhere in her OP that she agreed to let him know anything.

Support her, great. I know my style isn't the sweetest or softest (and frankly when adults try and shirk adult responsibilities and still get adult fun it brings out my crabbier side).

But don't try and demonize HIM in the process. Don't try and turn HIM into some possible threat- there's absolutely no evidence for it and no reason to do so when the issue is HER "to email or not to email" issue.

No, she never said she specifically agreed to let him know. Let's assume she did not specifically agree or disagree to his request. But she did make a request of HIM, which he has honored, and he made a specific and very reasonable request of her.

Since she doesn't want the risk of seeing him anymore than he seems to want to, what is the problem here?




gingersnap7789 -> RE: Need Advice! (12/28/2005 12:11:55 PM)

Ok! Ok! First, no, he did not honor my request. I had to blocked him from my e-mail. Second, he is not a danger to me except emotionally. (thanks for your concern, Brightspot). Third I am not "some chick," but I am a sweet little sub. I can be tough as nails, too, but I prefer the gentler side of things. Last, I'm pretty new to the message boards and appreciate all the good and mostly unbiased advice. Wonderful and food for thought. Thanks again.




KatyLied -> RE: Need Advice! (12/28/2005 12:45:19 PM)

This thread has turned into some weird middle school thing, I agree with LA on that.
If he is someone you've "blocked" from your life, why the fuss about all of this?
Do what you want to do.
Geez.
And we're all sweet, btw.

[;)]




girl4you2 -> RE: Need Advice! (12/28/2005 3:44:54 PM)

by the time a few months have passed, you won't even give him a second thought, so i don't see any worries about him controlling your life. have a fun time and enjoy. he's off your phone, out of your address book, and out of your life! party on, girl!




passionfirenmo -> RE: Need Advice! (12/28/2005 5:45:27 PM)

Gingersnap,
I would be take the upper hand here and be kind,,,,Write him a short polite note and call it done!
Go and have a good time ,,,
Here's to a New Year,

Have fun Stay well,

passion




DelRey -> RE: Need Advice! (12/28/2005 6:01:11 PM)


if it is truly ended, you owe NOTHING, Don't say a word. Just

go to the party, have a good time and get on with your life.





DragonNphoenix -> RE: Need Advice! (12/28/2005 6:23:03 PM)

Wow... a bunch of replies... Now my 2 cents. I have been in your shoes. But mine was an ex-husband. I would just shot him an email letting him know that you are going to be there. He said that he did not want to see you with someone else. Let him know that you are attending this party with someone and that you want to avoid any hurt feelings between the two of you. This puts the blame on both of you. I would, though, tell your date that he might show up so that they would be ready if he did. If he does and he makes a mess out of it... it will look bad on him, not you, if you told him that you were going to be there.

Phoenix




jamesthehumanrug -> RE: Need Advice! (12/28/2005 8:21:24 PM)

greetings ginger
snappy
hey HAPPY NEW YEAR
SEASONS GREETINGS,
cant we all be sophisticated ,in s and m ,
enuff to smile and be able to go back later
years later, if you are desperate;raincheck?rainy days??
get a date or other and the other person has more reason to show up with doing the same .
dont ;
and keep those apron strings on your lifestyle
now ;are we all grown up?....
storms happen;
dont rain on everyones parade ;every place you go;cause, of cave-man; esp ,in s and m ;
you get a rep.
every one knows the one, with the most grace wins ,in the end;
be nasty; sneak ,around ;don't be amiable;to a fellow s and ,mer(even an x is a known s or m).... lie to each other; hide ;and make someone else feel ,out of place ;or second, with you ,cause ,of you ,with one x- relationship ,and what do you have
nothing ,
but ,a big petty-problems-rep ,to everyone ,and no one will invite you cause, they have, to think ,about your unsophisicated relations ,and small minded s and m circles,now....
and, believe me those type ,of cliques, follow you ;
you have to play the game ,and ,smile even ,if it's killing you, if they are dangerous ,that's a whole, other matter ;then you
might have to get someone, in circles more dangerous ,than the x;
and still be able to use the x , if you are desperate;
let them know-
ya-
i can smile ,
and,maybe ,if i'm dying ;i will be able to consider a quickie ,with you (you freakin' x!)
but, look ,at what i have ,now;be ,with someone!!
or look around ;
its your g.d.rite!;
show that: " yes i can
i get someone.... like that!!"
and ,the x now has to look happy ,too and, get someone,too just like you did , or be ostrasized, with you.
dont pamper a tantrum; big scene ;unless you wanna give someone, in the new group a show and say ;drama tonite....
i prefer poise; no matter what ;and that 'what', includes seeing the infamous x.
wonder what real genius, in the lifestyle ;did the song all my x's live in texas;some slave someplace got plagairized i bet, just operate ;
circulate ;
dont let anyone cramp you, out of your lifestyle ,of choices everywhere.
be poised;
no matter what;
because ;some people hate scenes....
it ruins their careers,
so hence :you have to learn to deal with these type of x encounters ,by saying bye....
later....not tonite ,not for a long nite etc....
poise....
you dont want to offend higher ups,either,
did you ever bottom your way up;
you have to respect everyone
all the way;
work your way up to the top ;litterally;
that dont mean bow out ,for one top cause you leave another great love by the wayside
some bigger or more willing tops everyone knows is being rejected by you ;a bottom cause of your sticky x probelms....and,
while youre dealing with ISSUES,everyone says
THAT PERSONS GOT ISSUES;i have a big celeb party i cant deal with that person on this big get together
its too sophisticated and important
they say
STAY AWAY...about you
do you know how many important people there are in s and m and how much money goes into parties and whos with who?dont malinger with symptoms from another day and time
this is now
where are you

besides: did you ever think ,if they think you are leaving for GOOD
youre dead?SOME ONLY KILL IN AN ABANDONMENT-COMPLEX, IF THEY SEE YOU PACK AND CUT THEM, OFF ;
SEND A SISTER, OR BABY SITTER, AND SLIP OUT THE BACK(ANOTHER BIGGY SONG PLAGAIRIZED)
dont be ignoe....
LEAVE THAT TO THE LOW ,AND GO!
have some flash ,and ,class ,and show off with ,another ,if the x brigade is coming....
grace ;charm ;
this lifestyle is all ,about passing notes, on bottoms ,and ,reps and ,sophistication ,(TOURIST COME AND SEE THE ACTUAL SOPHISTICATED s and m GET TOGETHERS)
sometimes the, only way to survive is
be the x's trophy, on the wall,
and go on to be the next big trophy, for someone who you wanna be with...
brakeups are auful difficult, but ,carry on,OR ARE YOU DEAD?




OscarHargraves -> RE: Need Advice! (12/28/2005 8:22:20 PM)

Well that got a good argument going.

You know LuckyA is right. The adult thing to do is to honor his request. Send him a short e-mail stating that you MIGHT be going to this party. This let's you 'ass-u-me' that he can handle this in an adult civilized manner and do what he says he'll do.

Do you have any reason to assume that he was lying to you when he asked you to warn him? If not then keep your life simple and honest. Send him that e-mail and 'warn' him of your impending plans.




MasterHyde -> RE: Need Advice! (12/28/2005 9:20:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: brightspot
If you don't want to contact him and you really want to go to this party, upon arriving speak to the people in charge and let them know your circumstances, maybe they will be willing to watch out for you and then if this man shows up they could kindly ask him to leave, as I am sure they do not want any conflict arising at the party.


While I don't really disagree with anything else you've said, this one piece of advice seems incredibly presumptuous. Two people had a relationship. It ended. While its obvious that neither of them wants to see the other one, there is no evidence here that one of them should be restricted from going ANYWHERE just because the other one is there. Are you assuming that because the original poster is unhappy that her ex did something terrible and therefore forfeits his right to attend a party? I have organized a few parties, and if someone came to me with this request, I would simply say "It's your choice whether you want to be here or not, but I won't ask a guest to leave simly because another guest is uncomfortable running into his or her former mate."

Come to think of it, I believe I was approached in a similar manner once before. Someone asked me not to invite someone because he or she was an ex, and it would be uncomfortable. I told them to work it out amongst themselves. It's not my responsibility as a host to sort out relationships between my guests and their former partners.





ProtagonistLily -> RE: Need Advice! (12/28/2005 9:28:05 PM)

quote:

You need to make a decision at some point about not allowing him to exert control over your life. I understand not wanting to see him and I understand not wanting any contact, but really, he is controlling you here.


Your Milage May Vary with what I"m about to say.

I don't agree with this. He's only controlling her if she allows him to and in my opinion, there's an equal amount of control here going on, from both sides.

As the song goes, "Breaking up is hard to do." Couple that with the intensity that is often created in a D/s relationship, and you can usually feel the heat steaming off the resentments within a 50 mile radius.

As stated in the original post, neither want to see the other. In an attempt to avoid a potentially bad situation, I agree with LA in that she should send a short, clipped note stating that she'll be at that party. Just because we break up doesn't mean we can drop all forms of courtesy. It costs her nothing to let him know, and it could save everyone the humiliation of ending up at the same party. It could also avoid a potentially ugly scene.

I'm of the mind that you say "i'm going to be here" and let fate take it's course.

Lily




brightspot -> RE: Need Advice! (12/29/2005 12:31:11 AM)

Yes, I definately understand and you are have a great angle, I guess I
have experienced some ugly chit in my time and was influenced by my
experiences, thanks for pointing that out to me, I do generally try and
live outside the box, but some things hit too close to home. But still again,
I will always try and be as supportive as I can in the moment.


*Brightspot




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