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lateralus45 -> Advice (12/14/2008 9:06:08 AM)
My wife/sub and I were involved in D/s for a few years. About 6 months ago we decided to take some time off because of some disagreements that we thought were affecting our marriage of more than 12 years. We agreed that if either of us were to want to return we would discuss it. I found out several days ago that she had returned to CM and began speaking with other Dom/Masters. I felt betrayed that she didnt speak with me first and now I believe she may be considering him for online only. I have already voiced my disappointment but seems to have fallen on deaf ears. Im wondering, what if anything I should to since she has decided to return to a life I never wanted to leave to start with. Many Thanks

jeffman1234 -> RE: Advice (12/14/2008 9:10:37 AM)
Uhh Oh ! Try to get her to go with you to marriage counseling. When communication starts to break down that is what you need,

SirMIkeSD -> RE: Advice (12/14/2008 9:12:37 AM)
I agree you have a bigger problem here. Mike

GreedyTop -> RE: Advice (12/14/2008 9:13:12 AM)
I agree with jeff.. counseling. NCSF-Kink Aware Professionals

lateralus45 -> RE: Advice (12/14/2008 9:22:00 AM)
Our marriage is a very good relationship. The issues we were having were coming from the D/s side of things, I had no problem with the physical parts but more along the lines of the mental aspects of her submission to me. She felt she was losing herself in the D/s.

KatyLied -> RE: Advice (12/14/2008 9:28:00 AM)
quote: Our marriage is a very good relationship. Of course, this is why she seeks on-line domination.

SirMIkeSD -> RE: Advice (12/14/2008 9:29:10 AM)
Not to be hard on you here but if your marriage was not in trouble would she be sneaking around online on you? Mike

colouredin -> RE: Advice (12/14/2008 9:44:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lateralus45 Our marriage is a very good relationship. The issues we were having were coming from the D/s side of things, I had no problem with the physical parts but more along the lines of the mental aspects of her submission to me. She felt she was losing herself in the D/s. I think you need to be very honest with yourself here. If she really thought D/s was the problem she wouldnt be looking into it without your knowing. My guess is she chose to blame the problems on that because its an easy get out clause and often when a relationship is falling apart the first thing to go is the D/s. How can you follow someones instruction when you have negative emotions around that person? You need to talk to her, seriously.

lateralus45 -> RE: Advice (12/14/2008 9:52:32 AM)
Thank you all very much, I have done nothing but think about this since I found out. My trust in her has been strained to say the least. I want to fight to keep her, but I fear I will push her further away. I wasn't sure what the hell to do, never been put in a position like this.

happypervert -> RE: Advice (12/14/2008 10:08:08 AM)
Sounds to me like she likes to be dominated, just not by you. Maybe it has something to do with style, or as others have suggested there is more going on in the relationship.

Focus50 -> RE: Advice (12/14/2008 10:08:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lateralus45 My wife/sub and I were involved in D/s for a few years. About 6 months ago we decided to take some time off because of some disagreements that we thought were affecting our marriage of more than 12 years. We agreed that if either of us were to want to return we would discuss it. I found out several days ago that she had returned to CM and began speaking with other Dom/Masters. I felt betrayed that she didnt speak with me first and now I believe she may be considering him for online only. I have already voiced my disappointment but seems to have fallen on deaf ears. Im wondering, what if anything I should to since she has decided to return to a life I never wanted to leave to start with. That last sentence virtually confirms that the D/s aspect isn't the problem with your relationship. Seems you both want the D/s but she clearly doesn't want it with you - bottom line! And if D/s ain't the problem then what's left is your greater, overall relationship together. I think you have a little bit of denial going on here and possibly more nasty surprises coming with that "she may be considering him for online only" comment.... You're so sure about "only"? Focus.

lateralus45 -> RE: Advice (12/14/2008 10:17:54 AM)
the online only is what she told me, I don't know whether to trust her there or not being our agreement has already been broken.

KnightofMists -> RE: Advice (12/14/2008 10:35:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lateralus45 I have already voiced my disappointment but seems to have fallen on deaf ears. mmmmm I have to wonder if your ears hear any better.

KnightofMists -> RE: Advice (12/14/2008 10:37:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: colouredin quote: ORIGINAL: lateralus45 Our marriage is a very good relationship. The issues we were having were coming from the D/s side of things, I had no problem with the physical parts but more along the lines of the mental aspects of her submission to me. She felt she was losing herself in the D/s. I think you need to be very honest with yourself here. If she really thought D/s was the problem she wouldnt be looking into it without your knowing. ....... I have to agree with this... I don't think you are being all that honest with yourself and as such I doubt there is much honesty between the two of you with your feelings and thoughts... difficult to consider that to be a very good relationship. I however can't begin to consider what the actual causes of the issues you are having with such little information.

KnightofMists -> RE: Advice (12/14/2008 10:45:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lateralus45 Im wondering, what if anything I should to since she has decided to return to a life I never wanted to leave to start with. Maybe what you need to do is listen to her! I mean actually listen to her... put your wants aside and listen to what she wants! Forget about what she is doing or did. Listen to what she wants... and when you actually hear her you can look back and see how you didn't give her what she wanted and can decide what you can do to actually give her what she wanted. Now... this is an assumption that you didn't give her what she wanted... but I can't see how you could of given her what she wanted for a fulfilling relationship with a D/s dynamic if she is looking for it else where. I think you need to listen!

DesFIP -> RE: Advice (12/14/2008 2:26:15 PM)
Your marriage is foundering. You have serious communication issues. She has built up major resentments and has given up talking to you because you didn't appear to ever hear her. As to why she stopped the D/s; because she didn't trust you to have her best interests at heart. Why she's chatting online? She's lonely and wants to feel loved and of value. Serious communication and relationship issues are what you need to deal with, not D/s.

MissSepphora1 -> RE: Advice (12/14/2008 2:34:37 PM)
Perhaps she's betraying you so that you will punish her?

Usako -> RE: Advice (12/14/2008 3:36:05 PM)
I don't quite get why people are assuming the two never talk or he never listens. There isn't much info to go on, don't know the OP or his wife nor how their marriage is going. It may be that he doesn't listen it may be that she just doesn't know how to express her desire to look elsewhere for d/s. It could be anything but I wouldn't assume the worst from the info given. The only sure fire thing to say is you need to talk to her. No distractions, just two people. Make sure she knows how important her being honest is and let her know you'll listen, even if what she says isn't something you want to hear. There seems to have been underlying issues before when you two stopped the d/s that might not have been resolved and instead, leaving d/s was a bandaid. And when in doubt, couneling; a neutral third party never hurt.

cagliostro -> RE: Advice (12/14/2008 7:14:43 PM)
Relationships are built on trust. She violated your trust by looking for someone else without telling you so. So she's broken the foundation of the relationship. You have to tell her exactly that. Ask her how you can be expected to continue a relationship with someone you can't trust. And ask her what she's getting from what she says is online only, that she can't get from you. That's useful info no matter what happens. If you want to try to resurrect the relationship that's up to you, but personally I'd show her the door.

IronBear -> RE: Advice (12/14/2008 7:29:04 PM)
She wants one thing, you want another, the answer is both harsh and simple.. Each go your own way and forget the other ever existed. Better to walk away taking only what you wear than carrying a load of festering sores and the kitchen sink loaded with dirty dishes.. Were it me, I'd be changing identities and moving to the other end of the country where she knows no one or better still make a new life overseas and even take a new nationality... Or you could just shoot her.. Ummm may be too direct for you and the law will object.. Naw just leave with no forwarding address.. Then shoot her or her kin if they follow you....

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