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RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/15/2008 10:22:29 PM

AlexandraLynch

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I allow my sub safewords. As was said above, sometimes you don't know you have a hard limit until you get to it, and I don't like dealing with exploded landmines.

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RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/15/2008 11:39:48 PM

MistressRouge

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She also has responsibility to herself, to make the right judgements.
I never use safewords, but that is just my personal decision, it in no way hinders me, actually it attracts many to me

quote:

ORIGINAL: needstheOne

So I guess the question I should ask at this time is then: How do I get to to understand all this so she isn't used again. She is a wonderful person.

< Message edited by MistressRouge -- 12/15/2008 11:41:02 PM >

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RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/16/2008 4:24:05 AM

ItalianSMistress

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You just have to remember that not everyone follows the same ideas.....I dont use safewords, never have, never will.....my personal feeling is that if I can not tell when a slave has had enough, then I should not be playing with them that intensely.....if a slave does not like that, they are free to go elsewhere.....I also dont follow SSC.....I am more of a RACK player, and I state as much in my profile....if that is not the type of Master your friend wants, that is up to her.

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RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/16/2008 4:38:57 AM

chezzy71

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Trusting is the key obviously.We are all adults and different things drive a scene or ideas for one. know in my heart that Mistress would never harm me intentionally but certainly would cause some discomfort and of course that discomfort doesn't have to be physical in nature.You know what they say.."a mind is a terrible thing to waste".But to the point..we haven't really discussed this topic as of yet but i believe once it has been breached that Mistress will give me a safreword or action.

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RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/16/2008 9:22:23 AM

AStudyInScarlet

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uh, no.

this might be an unpopular opinion, but when you lose your ability to say no it goes from being consensual bdsm to abusive. i think a lot of you forget that abusive and controlling relationships can happen under the guise of bdsm and within the community, as well. you'd be eager to agree that a vanilla woman can be bullied into feeling like she can't leave an abusive husband. but if the same woman happens to be a slave/sub then it must mean that she wants that? don't assume that she wants it or else she'd just leave. she's still human.

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RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/16/2008 4:06:28 PM

ItalianSMistress

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AStudyInScarlet

uh, no.

this might be an unpopular opinion, but when you lose your ability to say no it goes from being consensual bdsm to abusive. i think a lot of you forget that abusive and controlling relationships can happen under the guise of bdsm and within the community, as well. you'd be eager to agree that a vanilla woman can be bullied into feeling like she can't leave an abusive husband. but if the same woman happens to be a slave/sub then it must mean that she wants that? don't assume that she wants it or else she'd just leave. she's still human.

I disagree.......nobody said that the slave in question can not leave. They always have a choice......usually, do it (whatever it may be) or leave......I believe one of the other ladies already said that in this thread also.....

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RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/16/2008 7:26:52 PM

RumpusParable

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quote:

ORIGINAL: needstheOne

...she feels that once you are collared you have to give up all your limits and safe words because he is Master.

Is this Correct? That a slave gives up everything to be with Mistress?

Your question is answered in your own post, OP. Everyone's relationship views and boundaries are different, she's expressed and followed the path she finds "correct" for her at this point in her life. Whether or not it's "correct" for me, you, or anyone else doesn't matter in whether it's "correct" for her at this point.

She has every legal right and support in doing so (assuming she's in the US or similarly-lawed area) to walk away whenever she likes.

There is no universal "This Is Correct" for personal relationships when it comes to agreed upon actions/agreements within.

< Message edited by RumpusParable -- 12/16/2008 7:30:41 PM >

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RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/16/2008 7:36:30 PM

RumpusParable

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quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

It's not your job to make sure she isn't used. It's her job, and if she can't do that, then I'd doubt the rational of being in any relationship, let alone a bdsm one.
quote:

ORIGINAL: needstheOne

So I guess the question I should ask at this time is then: How do I get to to understand all this so she isn't used again. She is a wonderful person.

Additional thoughts:

And what makes the OP think that she is being "used" in a way that is indeed wholly unliked/desired/enjoyed by her? What defines her being "used" at all? Or that she is being made to feel "unsafe"? Or that she is being made to feel "unsafe" in a way she doesn't actually (again) like/desire/enjoy/etc.? What does "unsafe" in these postings even mean to the OP and the person in question? Or "used"?

This is all very vaguely worded, being spoken of by an outsider (the OP), and many enjoy and even thrive on relationships that are "unsafe" or "being used" in some or many ways... heck, many just enjoy/thrive being in relationships that they can express to others and get feedback about how "used" and "unsafe" they are... it's a kink unto itself.

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RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/17/2008 7:38:04 AM

NextDoorMan

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I think safewords are to a D/s relationship as a net is to a tightrope walker. You don't want to use them, and maybe eventually they can disappear, but in the beginning of a relationship they are needed.

Hard limits can be pretty thoroughly discussed in advance, so safewords shouldn't be needed in these situations. When it comes to limits on the degree of agreed upon activities, time can provide communication, and allow a dominant and submissive to work together to push the submissive's limits without invoking safewords. My ideal relationship would be one as others have described here, where no safeword is used. It's a goal, but I would never start a relationship without the safety net of having safewords.

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RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/17/2008 7:45:40 AM

DesFIP

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You can't rescue her. It seems she gets off on being in dangerous situations or in thinking that she's the best slave around because she does without thinking.

I have never used a safeword. If not gagged, and just having a physical problem I tell him that my wrist is going numb. But if I hit an emotional trigger then I go silent. I freeze and can't speak. He has always seen the change in my body language and my responses and realizes I'm in trouble.

Now oddly enough, I'm more able to make a gesture when gagged than able to speak when allowed. So when gagged I open and close my fists rapidly and he'll undo the gag to find out the problem.

However my inability or disinterest in using a traditional safeword doesn't mean I do stupid things told to me by an untrustworthy dom. I don't. And from the sounds of it, these guys she picks wouldn't stop if she was shouting red.

She needs to take responsibility for picking these guys. Because the only constant in all her relationships is her.

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RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/17/2008 7:54:37 AM

thetammyjo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ItalianSMistress

quote:

ORIGINAL: AStudyInScarlet

uh, no.

this might be an unpopular opinion, but when you lose your ability to say no it goes from being consensual bdsm to abusive. i think a lot of you forget that abusive and controlling relationships can happen under the guise of bdsm and within the community, as well. you'd be eager to agree that a vanilla woman can be bullied into feeling like she can't leave an abusive husband. but if the same woman happens to be a slave/sub then it must mean that she wants that? don't assume that she wants it or else she'd just leave. she's still human.

I disagree.......nobody said that the slave in question can not leave. They always have a choice......usually, do it (whatever it may be) or leave......I believe one of the other ladies already said that in this thread also.....

Exactly.

Nothing ties Fox to me legally other than our desire to be together. He cannot say the word "no" to me because we wish for things to be this way. If he didn't want things this way, they would not be this way either because he leaves or because it wouldn't have been set up this way to begin with when negotiated everything.

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RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/17/2008 1:28:09 PM

ken54

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Relationships should be growing things. In the begining I like to use a red, yellow, green safeword, but when my domme learns enough about me we can dispense with that. Similarly, I hope to work past my current limits. However, all this takes time and, for me, needs to be done in small steps.

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RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/18/2008 10:26:22 AM

FullfigRIMAAM1

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I agree with Rumpus...
Your wonderful friend seems like a regular damsel, needing your rescuing on a regular basis. It's very romantic to have someone like you to rely on always, and I'd like a few of my own... But, she is an adult, making choices about how she wants to live her life. If she's not liking the results, or feels unsafe with the choices, she has to go within to find why she's making them, and how to make different choices, if in fact she wants different results. There is also the option of belonging to you so that you can keep her safe, so...
Good luck to you both, M

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RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/18/2008 9:08:02 PM

ShaktiSama

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quote:

ORIGINAL: needstheOne

I have a dear friend. When I met her she was with a Dom who allowed her no safe word or limits.

He ordered her to do "things" that were unsafe in many ways but she feels that once you are collared you have to give up all your limits and safe words because he is Master.

So my question to the Mistresses here is:

Is this Correct? That a slave gives up everything to be with Mistress?

It is unwise to enter into any intimate relationship with a person who does not love and understand you. BDSM is no different from any other relationship of trust in this regard. If you are being trampled on in ways that are not sexy, not fun, and do not make you feel happy or fulfilled at any level? Get out of the relationship.

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RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/19/2008 5:33:30 AM

GoddessTeaze

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quote:

ORIGINAL: needstheOne

I have a dear friend. When I met her she was with a Dom who allowed her no safe word or limits.

He ordered her to do "things" that were unsafe in many ways but she feels that once you are collared you have to give up all your limits and safe words because he is Master.

So my question to the Mistresses here is:

Is this Correct? That a slave gives up everything to be with Mistress?

I believe your dear friend has a selfasteem issue.

Ofcourse I don't know her, it's based upon what you tell here.
I know many subs are insecure, and want to do anything what the Dom/me says, in order to feel loved.

I believe it's a great concern to don't forget the RESPECT part.
I so miss this here, people say that others has no right to say no, whatafuck bullocks is this? We're all human beings, and intitle to be heard, and to say no to anything. Or did respect go down the drain?

People who don't respect you, and therefor say ya have no limits anymore because I will decide, and I will decide the rest for you? That's not getting the best out of someone.

That's just abuse, because what we're you saying?
you've no right to say no, because who gives a fuck? as hell I dont...

Seek real people , with whom you can communicate, who have the best interests at heart, and who are ready to guide you, and care for you, and give you a safe word, and respect your limits.

If they don't?

Run!

That's not bdsm in My book.

I wish you and your friend enough.

GoddezzT`

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Post #: 35

RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/19/2008 6:24:57 AM

needstheOne

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RP That she doesn't want to have sex with all the other neb just her Dom and that she is not allowed to use protection. Her words not mine.

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RE: Safe words and Limits - 12/19/2008 6:46:01 AM

GoddessTeaze

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quote:

ORIGINAL: needstheOne

RP That she doesn't want to have sex with all the other neb just her Dom and that she is not allowed to use protection. Her words not mine.

He has gotto love aids.
and she has to have her head examined.

Sexual transmitted diseases are out there,
and one should NEVER ever let them treat so lowly as such .

BAH, that man aint no dom, just an idiot in My eyes.

stay safe.

GoddezzT`