RE: Which to disclose first

RE: Which to disclose first (Full Version)

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flower2007 -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 4:35:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Naga I would be concerned that someone who has limited sexual experience would not have had time to sort through their fantasies as they apply to reality in their life. Wow, you're right! An adult with limited sexual experience would have no idea what she wants in a relationship! Thanks for that brilliant insight.

ITGirl68 -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 4:44:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: flower2007 quote: ORIGINAL: trealeon What about what you're attracted to? Do you tend to find yourself unintentionally attracted to men who turn out to be submissive? Nope, I'm pretty turned off by them. They come to me and I spend a fair bit of time running them off. It took me a while to figure out that being a bitch to them didn't exactly work. And these are guys who don't identify as submissive, but really are. I defintely understand that one ("It took me a while to figure out that being a bitch to them didn't exactly work")! I wish you good luck - and agree that (on this site), it may be best to disclose that you are waiting for marriage fairly early. - Angel

trealeon -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 6:05:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: flower2007 quote: ORIGINAL: trealeon What about what you're attracted to? Do you tend to find yourself unintentionally attracted to men who turn out to be submissive? Nope, I'm pretty turned off by them. They come to me and I spend a fair bit of time running them off. It took me a while to figure out that being a bitch to them didn't exactly work. And these are guys who don't identify as submissive, but really are. I figured as much, as far as them not "identifying" as submissive but it seems clear they are. Well if you are seeing that in them, then you know that telling them what kind of relationship you want ( a D/s one where you are searching for the Dom) will pretty much be a put off and "get rid" of them. For the others, it is still then just the issue of telling them that you want to hold off on sex until you're married. From what you've said so far, it seems you pretty much know what kind of dominant personality you are looking for by interacting with the guys you meet, so to me the first thing to disclose is always going to be the virgin until marriage part. Once again that's just my two cents.

DavanKael -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 6:28:14 PM)
I haven't read beyond the original post but I bet there are TONS of guys out there who would relish that combo! :> Best wishes, Davan

YourhandMyAss -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 6:37:25 PM)
Bring up both at the same time, and don't worry about if it's to much to " dump on the guy" quote: ORIGINAL: flower2007 I've already got two strikes against me when it comes to dating - I'm waiting for marriage to have sex AND I'm pretty confident I want a D/s type relationship. Individually, those things aren't deal-breakers with most guys, but together - guys assume if I'm a virgin, I'm not kinky, or they assume if I'm kinky, I'm not a virgin. So which do I bring up first? It's a lot to dump on a guy at once, you know?

Lockit -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 6:43:10 PM)
If you really want to cut the numbers of certain types... put the info in your profile. Right off the bat you have told them and you don't have to waste time weeding through a lot of things this will serve to stop. I did it and it has made my time here much easier! I got tired of repeating, over and over... many times a day... what I or my life was about. Now they can see it before the contact... before any rejection and those that contact... if they have read the profile, already know. Quick and easy and it saves time for those who are not put off by my circumstance or how I wish to live. Some won't understand your being true to you and may not value it... but it isn't them that needs to be happy with it. It is YOU... that must do what you desire... there is someone out there that will value you and the fact that you lived true to who you are.

aravain -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 6:44:37 PM)
-fr- This whole 'virgin till married' thing makes me want/need to ask. What do you classify as being a virgin? I know, I know, the actual definition is the hymen breaking from penetration and all that, while some religious definitions are ANY sexual activity. Since you didn't say where or why your virginity is important, I think that it's important to point out. To me, when I hear someone say "I'm going to be a virgin until I'm married" I think (in addition to 'yeah right' because I'm a cynical person) that they mean that there will be NO sexual activity with another person (solo masturbation ONLY) But I find the majority of people mean penetrative sex. When you define it it becomes easier. I know some men would abhorr never being able to touch their girlfriend sexually or receive a blow job or whatever until after marriage, but would be fine with the idea of no penetrative sex before marraige. Where do you stand on the spectrum? EDIT: For slightly more clarity

CalifChick -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 7:35:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: flower2007 quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick So you're saying that wanting a D/s relationship, to you, means you're kinky? Or was there something you left out? No, it means that's how most people view it. Notice that I wrote that from the perspective of the man. Hmmm... I don't know where these "most people" are, or where these men are that think that D/s=kinky, but it would certainly behoove you to make sure you are clear on those things, because it sounds like the people you are meeting... are not. Cali

flower2007 -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 8:07:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: aravain What do you classify as being a virgin? My definition isn't really important, is it? When I say I am a virgin, I mean I haven't done anything past heavy kissing. I don't really care how others define virginity as for themselves. And not that I wouldn't go farther with someone I was serious about - I just haven't met that person yet.

aravain -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 8:31:44 PM)
It is important. For some people NO sexual contact until after marriage will be a deal breaker. To others it will not be. That was the point of my post. Saying 'I'm a virgin and want to stay one till marraige' can scare some people off, especially if THEIR definition is not the same as yours. It's such a foggy issue that clarity is important. "Specificity is the essence of good communication", as the Middleman said.

Usako -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 8:42:01 PM)
If it's on line communication, I'd put the virgin part right in your profile. If it's in person, honestly on a first date. Why continue dating someone and waste their and your time if they want sex and you don't. The d/s desire, I dunno. If it's someone already kinky (like from CM) that won't be an issue. With someone else, maybe the first date or maybe once there is even a sign that there might be a relationship to begin with to even think about d/s.

switch2please -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 9:15:54 PM)
I met my sub on a 'nilla blind date, and he let me know early on that he had no interest in anything sexual unless we were going somewhere, and I was fine with that. (There were quite a few times when the only thing in my way were his ethics...but he's worth it. And yeah, my 'pocket rocket' helped lol.) After we decided there was a foundation for a relationship, I let him know that vanilla wasn't necessarily a deal-breaker, but that I have 'control issues' lol - like the occasional need to bend a man to my will until he grovels at my boot...and he had no experience but he was so into it. I was so nervous telling him. Now he begs for it... I have no advice that hasn't already been said (get both points on the floor early, but not in the first conversation - honesty is always best, but give them a chance to know you're worth it before you make demands for the future!). I just wanted to share my happy story :)

DesFIP -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 9:37:17 PM)
You need to define for people what you mean by kinky, because to most of us it refers to activities, not to a D/s dynamic. Plus you need to define what you mean by sex. Because if you mean anal and oral are fine, just no penetration, that's a lot different than nothing more than kissing and groping with clothes fully on. Put all of this into your profile, because not telling people isn't working for you. So be upfront about it instead of waiting to dump it on them. But go into detail because it isn't our job to read your mind, it's yours. And lose the snarky attitude, it doesn't get you any help or good wishes.

Naga -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/15/2008 10:40:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: flower2007 Wow, you're right! An adult with limited sexual experience would have no idea what she wants in a relationship! Thanks for that brilliant insight. You asked for other people's perceptions and views, I gave you my experience. You might not agree with it, but at least be polite enough to process it for what it is. Unless, of course, you are simply responding to the sting of truth, then I completely understand your reaction.

hydranmenace -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/16/2008 4:16:54 AM)
For me, neither of those things would be a dealbreaker, and if I were you, as others have said, put it right out there first thing. If they bolt, they weren't for you anyway. There is something about your post that would concern me though, and that is when you say you are "pretty confident" you want a D\s type relationship. With marriage being on the table combined with being on a site like this, you need to be sure, right down to your core. What happens if you do meet the right guy and get married to a Dom, only to find out you weren't sure and it isn't what you thought it would be?

ThatDaveGuy69 -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/16/2008 4:22:57 AM)
WOW! A kinky vergin? Where do I sign up?! :D The fair maiden/damsel-in-distress fantasies are overwhelming! ~Dave

CalifChick -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/16/2008 6:19:43 AM)
Upon further reflection, I think a 28 year old virgin is far more unusual than a D/s situation, so I would think you would want that practically tattooed on your forehead. Although, someone who wants to be in a D/s relationship in the submissive role yet doesn't feel she is submissive, but wants to be forced into it... well... that's not high on the "makings of a successful relationship" list either. Cali

DavanKael -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/16/2008 8:13:21 AM)
OP,on the attractive submissive men, I understand because that is the case for me all of the time, though I very much want a Dominant partner. There are different reasons that you could be attracting subs; and, I don't necessarily mean that attracting subs means you aren't a sub (Although I identify as a switch, so there's greater variance there)...I know that my bearing and energy often keeps away Dominants who aren't particularly solid in certain ways (And sometimes engages those that want a power struggle). Talk, be honest, have a mutuality of communication amongst you and your potential partner(s) and focus on the people involved holistically, not only the 'kinks'. :> Best wishes, Davan

MsFlutter -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/16/2008 9:34:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: flower2007 I've already got two strikes against me when it comes to dating - I'm waiting for marriage to have sex AND I'm pretty confident I want a D/s type relationship. Individually, those things aren't deal-breakers with most guys, but together - guys assume if I'm a virgin, I'm not kinky, or they assume if I'm kinky, I'm not a virgin. So which do I bring up first? It's a lot to dump on a guy at once, you know? What are the odds that the majority of males will even be around to hear about the kink thing once they've heard about the 'waiting for marriage' thing? Mention the marriage thing first - then discuss 'kink' with whoever remains :)

DesFIP -> RE: Which to disclose first (12/16/2008 11:21:53 AM)
OP, I agree with Naga, fantasy is not the same as reality. I think most doms are going to have had in their past, relationships with women who thought they would like kink but found out that they didn't flourish in such a relationship. As such, since all you've had are fantasies about it, you aren't going to find many men who will accept two years of dating with just kissing and light necking before marriage with the major risk that you will not be able to do what you said you could afterwards. You might do better on a Christian singles site, looking for someone who wants to be head of the household, in a traditional style marriage. There you would have better luck finding someone into a D/s style relationship willing to marry you knowing you're a virgin.

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