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What Am I ? - 12/15/2008 8:02:13 PM

Dastan

Posts: 148
Joined: 12/13/2008
From: Barranquilla city, Colombia
Status: offline

I realize I shouldn't post two separate topics on the same section, but this just struck me as I was reviewing my own experience within the web and some experiences here and wondering what I was doing right and wrong, to define myself as a Sub/Slave or a mere Bottom to be owned and it hit me. I am at this point somehow ina gray area which leaves me at a loss of words.

I have trained myself hard and when i got interested in BDSM, I tried in myself the tortures and trials to see if was good enough. I used tazers and cattle prods, even passed out sometimes and got burns, besides but similar to those caused with cigarrettes, and lashes, cane strokes and such, and trhough stickfighting, I let myself experience different sorts of pain, damage and their effect in my functional parameters. I basically learned how much something hurt ata given level of severity and damage and how much it affected my performance, mentally and physically.

Besides self-inflicted pain, I then learned of the existence of some people into the BDSM lifestyle which visited my country and through their experiences shared in our play sessions, which i regard more as field tests and experiments on design and adaptation/conditioning, I discovered how much I enjoyed the power exchange, the surrender and control loss, the submission materialized in victimizationa nd the test of power that lied within martyrization and torture, and pain.

I don't even know if I am a Masochist, but I define it more like I did in boxing: to take the hits and pain and use them as if they were spurring me towards my goal faster and harder, to win and defeat my opponent, in this case my frailty and weakness of mind and willpower or body endurance, to break a record, to reach a limit or plant the flag at a peak. I enjoy the challenge, the rush of it all, the victory if it comes or the honest all-out effort of letting myself go to the max and best of myself.

Now, my personality is something different. I am strong, and I don't back down. Most people tell me that I am kind of playful but cold, distant but caring, and they usually tell me my tone and voice, although polite and smooth as a Buckingham palace's butler when addressing Royals, is firm and commanding like an order come from a General at the trench frontline of a heated battle.

I can say that I could submit easily to a woman I loved, to serve her, to please her, to prove her my worth, and all things, but mostly for love, for the sheer inner satisfaction you get out of doing your best and your most for someone you love and her sake, her confort or interests no matter if you don't even like it or it's not that good for your own interests, if you must sacrifice or lose.

But my inherent problem is that as I have heard from friends in the lifestyle, they say that I am the same as a tiger as house pet: as obedient as I can be, as trained as I can get, i'll always bee to strong to control fully and although I won't ever bite nor growl to the hand that feeds, pampers and punishes me, I am something else for the rest of the world, and that just like a Lady mounted on a prize stallion, she can easily hold the reigns and wield whip and spurs to make him obey and carry her over or anything and anyone she adds to his load, but the rest of the world will most likely have to watch out so it doesn't get trampled under it's hoofs or kicked down if the steed gets startled or provocked by something around him, so it worries me a little to know what I am.

Maybe I am not submissive enough, no matter what for my nature has always been to fight, to win, to build and to control the forces of nature, as my culture's history proves and I am not a switch because with God as my witness, I can't boss around a Lady. I can be strong and Dominant and take charge, when the situationc alls for it, I can submit for her and all ladies as I believe women superior, but if need be, I'll force myself onto the helm of the ship and against all protests, deaf to all orders, I'll turn it around off its course if that prevents us from crashing against the shore rocks.

My people's definition of love's sacrifice is "to do what is best for the sake of the person you love, even if such action turns out to be the worst for yours and makes her hate you for doing it" so that means I can one day just ignore orders or break rules and sort of mutiny against my Lady, the captain of the ship, to steer it away from the rocks she doesn't see, even if I hang for it.

What does that make me ?

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RE: What Am I ? - 12/15/2008 8:08:48 PM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dastan

What does that make me ?

you.

Whatever you want to be, whoever you want to be. All of those things, and the stuff you didn't mention, all rolled up in one composition that is you.

Someone will love you for you, for all of you, the good and the bad. They will accept you for you.

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

(in reply to Dastan)

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RE: What Am I ? - 12/15/2008 8:21:13 PM

Wickad

Posts: 428
Joined: 3/12/2005
Status: offline

Greetings,

I think you've answered your own question within your question.

"...but if need be, I'll force myself onto the helm of the ship and against all protests, deaf to all orders, I'll turn it around off its course if that prevents us from crashing against the shore rocks."

The truth of the matter is that to really submit, you must submit. This does not mean to submit until you don't want to or to submit until it no longer suites you. The real wonder of submission is allowing yourself to be totally ruled by another, even if you think she is wrong. Please don't mistake me, I'm not suggesting you submit to the detriment of your personal well being but rather to simply let her crash you against the rocks and see what happens. You have to trust that she will save you and allow her to.

Just my opinion, your mileage may vary.

Wickad

(in reply to yourMissTress)

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RE: What Am I ? - 12/15/2008 9:11:30 PM

Dastan

Posts: 148
Joined: 12/13/2008
From: Barranquilla city, Colombia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wickad

Greetings,

I think you've answered your own question within your question.

"...but if need be, I'll force myself onto the helm of the ship and against all protests, deaf to all orders, I'll turn it around off its course if that prevents us from crashing against the shore rocks."

The truth of the matter is that to really submit, you must submit. This does not mean to submit until you don't want to or to submit until it no longer suites you. The real wonder of submission is allowing yourself to be totally ruled by another, even if you think she is wrong. Please don't mistake me, I'm not suggesting you submit to the detriment of your personal well being but rather to simply let her crash you against the rocks and see what happens. You have to trust that she will save you and allow her to.

Just my opinion, your mileage may vary.

Wickad

Ok Mistress Wickad, ...I understand that to submit is to obey..but must I speak always like I am scared of being too loud and act as if I lost all trace of strenght, pwoer and testostrone in my body, like a subservient robot? I am after all a proud man, not an average one, so if I am a ferrari, madam, i let my engine roar, not just purr like the average Volkswagen. To me, submission without the true desire to serve is just protocol without meaning or purpose. I guess sometimes I'll be rebellios and like a dog barking and pulling the Lady who holds his leash, will make her pull me back and maybe give me a small newspaper hit to remind me of my place, but I guess I must be able at some point to mutiny and NOT let her crash against the rocks, if I truly LOVE her, why let her have such a terrible event happen to her when i can avoid her the pain and trouble?

(in reply to Wickad)

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RE: What Am I ? - 12/15/2008 9:58:30 PM

AlexandraLynch

Posts: 778
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline

Clearly you need to find a woman whose mental paradigm is rider and horse, not lady and pet. I can't be the only woman who likes to view her taller-and-more-powerful-physically male sub as rather akin to a horse, whose physical strength has to be respected (I've been stepped on before by a horse. Ow.) but also harnessed and trained for the use of the owner.

I wish you luck in your search.

(in reply to Dastan)

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RE: What Am I ? - 12/15/2008 11:33:56 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

What or who do YOU feel you are? Go with that.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Dastan)

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RE: What Am I ? - 12/16/2008 1:17:53 AM

Rule

Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline

As I told you before in your other thread: you are a true sub. I recognized you for what you are at a glance. You also are very much aware of your qualities and powers and psychology. There is no reason to be confused about what you are.

An elephant measures the worth of other animals by the size of their trunk. Submissives are elephants with the hugest trunk imaginable - and other people are not such elephants.

You are not a slave. In fact you are the very opposite of what a slave is. Some or perhaps even a lot of dom(me)s do not comprehend that difference and will consequently violate the nature of true subs. (They might consider joining the Goreans.) AlexandraLynch on the other hand has an excellent perception of what a true submissive is for and will enable a submissive to be and achieve all that he can be. Subs and dom(me)s fit each other like the lame and the blind helping each other. (It is actually a bad analogy, but it will do.)

What subs require in a domme is an AlexandraLynch. Stay away from those who think that there is no difference between a sub and a slave. Also know that a sub and a domme do not a complete jigsaw puzzle make. There are other elephants with trunks that are different from either. As well as elephants with smaller trunks. Poly is the optimal configuration, but an alternative for a submissive is to acquire a natural slave.

< Message edited by Rule -- 12/16/2008 1:40:48 AM >

(in reply to Dastan)

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RE: What Am I ? - 12/16/2008 5:47:44 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

You have been doing a lot of looking inside yourself - now step back and take a look at someone else. Do you imagine you are the only Ferrari? The only intelligent sub who speaks well, is good at their job, knows how to take charge and willingly does so when the opportunity presents itself?

Very few Dominants want a robot for a sub. Most cherish the excellent qualities of their sub and the submission means even more to them when given willingly.

I disagree with your "people's" definition of love. Love to the point where you would give until you hate? In a rewarding relationship both the Dom and the sub will find fulfillment. It may not be a fairy tale 24/7 sense of fulfillment, but each will get their needs met to some extent whether there is love or not. Love may or may not grow with time, but there is an amazing bond that can grow with trust and communication and with shared experiences.

Don't get hung up on giving yourself a title - sub, slave, bottom, caged tiger. A lot of definitions come from within a relationship. I was shocked when my Master first told me that I had a slave's heart. (I was a Domme at the time.) I actually laughed and wondered how he could be so wrong about me. It turns out that I was wrong about myself. What makes me a good slave to him might not be enough for someone else - each top will have their own criteria that they are looking for. The more important thing for you is to start to experience time with Dommes and get to know what they are looking for and seeing if you would be compatible. The right person will help you to find your true place. Keep an open mind and don't be too hard on yourself. It is common to feel confused in the beginning and to be unsure of exactly who and what you are. You have been self taught - now learn from others.

_____________________________

(in reply to Rule)

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RE: What Am I ? - 12/16/2008 6:42:42 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

With the right Mistress for you, all your answers will be found, all your fears addressed and contentment with the relationship will set in. The feelings you are feeling now have been felt by most submissives and Dominants out there. I do not know a single person who when they were starting out felt 100% confident that what they were doing was correct, everyone has at least one fear or question about what is that they are doing.

Try to relax and focus on finding a Mistress that will help you grow.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to Dastan)

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RE: What Am I ? - 12/16/2008 8:09:20 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dastan

I can say that I could submit easily to a woman I loved, to serve her, to please her, to prove her my worth, and all things, but mostly for love, for the sheer inner satisfaction you get out of doing your best and your most for someone you love and her sake, her confort or interests no matter if you don't even like it or it's not that good for your own interests, if you must sacrifice or lose.

But my inherent problem is that as I have heard from friends in the lifestyle, they say that I am the same as a tiger as house pet: as obedient as I can be, as trained as I can get, i'll always bee to strong to control fully and although I won't ever bite nor growl to the hand that feeds, pampers and punishes me, I am something else for the rest of the world, and that just like a Lady mounted on a prize stallion, she can easily hold the reigns and wield whip and spurs to make him obey and carry her over or anything and anyone she adds to his load, but the rest of the world will most likely have to watch out so it doesn't get trampled under it's hoofs or kicked down if the steed gets startled or provocked by something around him, so it worries me a little to know what I am.

Maybe I am not submissive enough, no matter what for my nature has always been to fight, to win, to build and to control the forces of nature, as my culture's history proves and I am not a switch because with God as my witness, I can't boss around a Lady. I can be strong and Dominant and take charge, when the situationc alls for it, I can submit for her and all ladies as I believe women superior, but if need be, I'll force myself onto the helm of the ship and against all protests, deaf to all orders, I'll turn it around off its course if that prevents us from crashing against the shore rocks.

My people's definition of love's sacrifice is "to do what is best for the sake of the person you love, even if such action turns out to be the worst for yours and makes her hate you for doing it" so that means I can one day just ignore orders or break rules and sort of mutiny against my Lady, the captain of the ship, to steer it away from the rocks she doesn't see, even if I hang for it.

What does that make me ?

I'd say this description fits in the "knight" model of submissiveness or slavery.

A lot of folks have told me or Fox that he is too uppity -- more tell me that he is "perfect" and that they are jealous however. Those who have negative comments probably have a very limited view of how Ds and Ms should function, they can't accept that not everyone will do things the same as them, are threatened perhaps by that fact, and thus they lash out.

Ignore those people and instead focus on being yourself so you can find a good match or matches.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Dastan)

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RE: What Am I ? - 12/17/2008 1:26:10 PM

Dastan

Posts: 148
Joined: 12/13/2008
From: Barranquilla city, Colombia
Status: offline

Thank you, Mistress AlexandraLynch, for your comparison, I see that as Master Rule says, you perfectly understand what a submissive is, and I guess I can't be a slave or pet. I also want to thank Master Rule for his kind words, it's not often I am surprised to find myself in such doubts and to find such succint, precise and honest answers, so thank you both for such effort to help me. Mistress ChamberQueen, Mistress Lashra and Mistress TheTammyJo, I am most grateful too about your words and wish to ask you if I may add you to my circle of friends, as well as Master Rule and Mistress AlexandraLynch. I'd be most honored, grateful and also motivated for even better results of growth and learning, to pursue excellence.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

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RE: What Am I ? - 12/19/2008 7:11:22 PM

AcademyForSlaves

Posts: 712
Joined: 2/24/2006
Status: offline

Proud. your a man with regular pride and ego and that's ok if you don't let that conflict with pleasing a Mistress by doing what she wants.

Maybe you learned this pride from years of boxing, or you were born with it like all men, or it's from the zodiac sign your born under. (Some signs have more ego than some others)

Plus it's year of the Ox this year so some slaves are going to become more stubborn than normal (and lazy).

Hope this helps.

_____________________________

Academy Mistresses
http://www.academyforslaves.com/home.html

(in reply to Dastan)

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RE: What Am I ? - 12/20/2008 1:36:26 PM

Dastan

Posts: 148
Joined: 12/13/2008
From: Barranquilla city, Colombia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AcademyForSlaves

Proud. your a man with regular pride and ego and that's ok if you don't let that conflict with pleasing a Mistress by doing what she wants.

Maybe you learned this pride from years of boxing, or you were born with it like all men, or it's from the zodiac sign your born under. (Some signs have more ego than some others)

Plus it's year of the Ox this year so some slaves are going to become more stubborn than normal (and lazy).

Hope this helps.

Dear Mistress, you are most correct, it is the year of the Ox, more correctly, the Earth Ox which means it's like an Ox, at the 2nd potence/exponent, meaning squared if not even cubed (sorry for the math reference, bit a nerd/geek here) and I guess tubborness is a trait.

I'd love to ask if you think that some traits can influence a person's pride, subbornes and strenght or rebellious/impetuos side. I once heard on a website that 2 people with identical histories and lives, and traits, exactly alike subs might be as different to dominate as it is to ride on the back of an Elephant and on the back of a Stallion, on behalf of some influences from base culture/ethnicity, work field, and education, and even astrological signs.

I was once told I am a bad mixture of signs: I am Leo on the Western Horoscope and I am a Monkey on the Chinese horoscope (Metal Monkey actually, which would be the same as to say I am a Gorilla on what the metaphor refers to) and I laughed inside but I guess it was something serious because the Lady who thought so always commented on me in a way that was kind of like "well, you are a Leo after all..." like I had an aura, a black cloud over my head that made me somehow impaired when compared to other guys exactly like me who did worse and didn't get those comments and feedback from her or other Dommes into astrology and such.

(in reply to AcademyForSlaves)

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