A sub and her issues...

A sub and her issues... (Full Version)

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sultryone -> A sub and her issues... (12/15/2008 8:34:16 PM)
I was just wondering... is it the wrong approach to be looking for a Dom who, alongside everything else, can help me control, learn, and change my emotional issues with the intent of helping me to become a better woman/sub? I am not the perfect woman. I know what I would like to change about myself, but I feel some of what led me to BDSM is the possibility of a strong, understanding man who would be able to see things in me, possibly even better than I see them, and help me along in learning to be a better woman and better at relationships. It's not just all about the sex here, from what I've read and what I understand, but should I be looking at this from a different perspective? sultry

RainydayNE -> RE: A sub and her issues... (12/15/2008 8:39:41 PM)
i dont think there's anything wrong with that whatever works for you i'm sure you could find someone who would love to be in a relationship like that even in "vanilla" relationships or even non-romantic ones, it can be helpful to have someone with an outside perspective that can help you see things in a new way my Dom helps me work things out sometimes and that wasn't anything i was actively seeking when i met him maybe that effect is heightened in a (D/M)/s relationship or maybe not, i dunno, but it can be helpful

Aylee -> RE: A sub and her issues... (12/15/2008 8:41:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sultryone I was just wondering... is it the wrong approach to be looking for a Dom who, alongside everything else, can help me control, learn, and change my emotional issues with the intent of helping me to become a better woman/sub? Have you tried therapy?

porcelain26 -> RE: A sub and her issues... (12/15/2008 8:53:07 PM)
"You're not crazy, Lisa. You're simply complex." Master told me that about eight years ago when I, very literally, thought I'd lost my mind. I spent the next several months bouncing off the walls, crying my eyes out, and leaning on Him completely in order to retain some shred of sanity. I adore my Owner for a hundred different reasons, this is only one of them. But my 'issues' have always been a part of our dynamic because they are part of what make me the kind of submissive that I am. His faith in me, in my abilities, in my intelligence, in our relationship - gives me faith. He has absolutely made me a better woman, and hands down has made me a better submissive. I think part of any relationship is helping the other person to grow and develop into the best possible person. That's no different in a D/s relationship, and might possibly been even more pronounced. I know that belonging to my Owner has, without a doubt, made me a better person. It's exceptionally hard for me to not take good care of myself (emotionally, mentally, physically...every way), because I belong to Him. I am a reflection of Him. I would never mistreat anything He owned...that includes myself.

sultryone -> RE: A sub and her issues... (12/15/2008 8:53:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aylee Have you tried therapy? Yes, I've done a little but my issues are not crazy horrible, just basic relationship things, and I'm a smart woman, open, honest, and very much able to communicate. I just want to make sure I wasn't wrong in wanting a Dom to not only sexually Dominate me, but be strong on the emotional side as well.

sultryone -> RE: A sub and her issues... (12/15/2008 8:57:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: porcelain26 "You're not crazy, Lisa. You're simply complex." Master told me that about eight years ago when I, very literally, thought I'd lost my mind. I spent the next several months bouncing off the walls, crying my eyes out, and leaning on Him completely in order to retain some shred of sanity. I adore my Owner for a hundred different reasons, this is only one of them. But my 'issues' have always been a part of our dynamic because they are part of what make me the kind of submissive that I am. His faith in me, in my abilities, in my intelligence, in our relationship - gives me faith. He has absolutely made me a better woman, and hands down has made me a better submissive. I think part of any relationship is helping the other person to grow and develop into the best possible person. That's no different in a D/s relationship, and might possibly been even more pronounced. I know that belonging to my Owner has, without a doubt, made me a better person. It's exceptionally hard for me to not take good care of myself (emotionally, mentally, physically...every way), because I belong to Him. I am a reflection of Him. I would never mistreat anything He owned...that includes myself. Thank you. That is exactly the experience I would like to find. Kudos to you!

YourhandMyAss -> RE: A sub and her issues... (12/15/2008 8:59:49 PM)
Personally, I think it's a bad idea on top of everything else we expect of our doms, to expect them to act as our therapists and help fix our issues too. quote: ORIGINAL: sultryone I was just wondering... is it the wrong approach to be looking for a Dom who, alongside everything else, can help me control, learn, and change my emotional issues with the intent of helping me to become a better woman/sub? I am not the perfect woman. I know what I would like to change about myself, but I feel some of what led me to BDSM is the possibility of a strong, understanding man who would be able to see things in me, possibly even better than I see them, and help me along in learning to be a better woman and better at relationships. It's not just all about the sex here, from what I've read and what I understand, but should I be looking at this from a different perspective? sultry

scottjk -> RE: A sub and her issues... (12/15/2008 9:17:38 PM)
Being a dom..... Yes, I would accept such a relationship, provided that there was an understanding, and how willing you were in making such efforts and how far you were willing to go, and how far I was willing to go. Some issues I would refer to a therapist, or on my own or both. Of course, the important understanding is that I am human and prone to errors and mistakes. However, if that would be the sole purpose of the relationship, I would refuse to get more involved than being a friend. Just my two cents. Dang, posted again. I gotta break this habit. :) Good hunting. :)

sultryone -> RE: A sub and her issues... (12/15/2008 9:22:16 PM)
Let me rephrase my question or rather add to it... What if something came up in your relationship you had some fears about, and your Dom says to you, "it's your problem, I can't help you with that". That is something that has recently happened in my new experience as a sub.

needstheOne -> RE: A sub and her issues... (12/15/2008 9:25:25 PM)
I believe that I will be molded into what she wants me to be. If that is a more self confident person that is great if not so be it. What I am looking for is the leadership in the relationship. Someone to look to, someone that will be there to answer a question I might have someone who I can look up to and say this is why I am willing to be her slave.

VampiresLair -> RE: A sub and her issues... (12/15/2008 9:26:37 PM)
I can definately understand the "its your problem, I WILL not help you with that" position. I, as a domme, expect my boy to figure some things out by himself. I expect him to be able to work things out without me, even though I will support him once he begins making those changes. I refuse to be the force behind them, since changes that are not ones you initiate seldom stick. There is a big difference between I cannot help you and I will not help you yet. Cannot means I am incapable of helping you. Will not means when I think it is appropriate I will, but you havent gotten to that point just yet. DV

SimplyMichael -> RE: A sub and her issues... (12/15/2008 9:44:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sultryone Let me rephrase my question or rather add to it... What if something came up in your relationship you had some fears about, and your Dom says to you, "it's your problem, I can't help you with that". That is something that has recently happened in my new experience as a sub. How would you feel if your dominant came to you and wanted you to put him in diapers so he could wet himself? You probably wouldn't be jumping up and down, now would you? However, I am sure that somewhere, someone would be jumping up and down hoping to get a chance at that. We all get to negotiate on some level or other, our relationships (which includes "you will do whatever" so pipe down you people) and some of that negotiation is up front and some occurs on the fly. You have to decide if someone who is unwilling to deal with your issue is someone you want controling you and that is a decision only you can make. To me, if you are really into this guy and otherwise things are great, I would sit down with him and explain that this is something important to you and you want to discuss it. See if there isn't some way for it to become something he will work with you on. If the answer is still no, then once again, you have a decision to be made. It could be he only wants to be with you if it is simply and or easy. It could be he sees an issues that really is something only you can deal with. Perhaps it is something he doesn't feel qualified to help with. Again, only you can figure out if his reason holds water.

RainydayNE -> RE: A sub and her issues... (12/15/2008 9:45:59 PM)
i dont think it's necessarily expecting him to act like a therapist and "fix" the problems. that kind of push-and-pull is part of ANY relationship, with friends, parents, or romantic relationships. there's always give and take and for some people it takes form in this sort of stuff.

DesFIP -> RE: A sub and her issues... (12/15/2008 9:50:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sultryone Let me rephrase my question or rather add to it... What if something came up in your relationship you had some fears about, and your Dom says to you, "it's your problem, I can't help you with that". That is something that has recently happened in my new experience as a sub. Personally I'd be majorly pissed if he just washed his hands of it. However I have no problem if he says "I don't know how to solve this, let's consult a professional for advice". There's a difference there between wanting to help and being aware that he doesn't know what to do. The difference comes in saying "This needs an expert. Let's call a lawyer/accountant/therapist/dentist/etc". Not just saying "Your problem, you deal with it. I don't want to know from it". The first is fine because I know he isn't an expert in every field. The second is not fine, because friends don't tell you that they won't support you, they don't care about you and they're only there to get themselves off. The Man wants to help in any way he can. But sometimes he does suggest we call the lawyer, or the psychologist or whoever. And on those occasions, by making the judgment call that the issue requires a professional's advice, that in itself is helping to solve it.

Aszhrae -> RE: A sub and her issues... (12/15/2008 10:00:13 PM)
If you find that Dom, ask him if he knows of a Domme similar to himself to send my way.

porcelain26 -> RE: A sub and her issues... (12/15/2008 10:44:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VampiresLair ...I, as a domme, expect my boy to figure some things out by himself. I expect him to be able to work things out without me, even though I will support him once he begins making those changes. I refuse to be the force behind them, since changes that are not ones you initiate seldom stick. You make such an excellent point here!! My Owner has never 'fixed' my problems for me; more like He held my hand while I waded through the muck to fix them myself. He's given me tons of great advice and encouragement over the years, and has always been able to help me put things into the proper perspective, but He never solved my problems for me. To the OP - As DV pointed out, no one can do that for you. You have to be willing to make the effort required to initiate the changes you want to make and be willing to put in the work to making them stick. Finding a dominant who can support you and encourage you and help you while you do that, is what I think you're looking for. I know a lot of dominants who are more than happy to do that for their partners, but not so much for those they're not in a relationship with. Most of those dominants also enter into relationships with the understanding that everyone (including them gasp) has issues and that it's inevitable that a time will arise when those issues need to faced and dealt with, and they are happy to do so when that time arrives. However, I don't think searching for someone specifically to help you work out your issues is exactly the wisest choice to make. That is the kind of connection that is only built over time and with a lot of hard work on both accounts. Finding someone you connect with, who makes you feel your submission deeply, and who is obviously happy and content at having you at their feet would be far preferable to searching for a dominant who will simply control you until you've fixed your problems. And it will be much more fulfilling for you both as well beams

scottjk -> RE: A sub and her issues... (12/15/2008 11:13:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sultryone Let me rephrase my question or rather add to it... What if something came up in your relationship you had some fears about, and your Dom says to you, "it's your problem, I can't help you with that". That is something that has recently happened in my new experience as a sub. I understand. It depends on the issues involved, I suppose. Once I enter into a relationship, I don't quit, ever. As a dom, I would recognize what I can do, and what a therapist can do. However, the bulk of the work would rest on your shoulders, no one can make changes in a person that isn't willing to make those changes. Otherwise, the relationship would be headed for the rocks.

littlewonder -> RE: A sub and her issues... (12/16/2008 3:47:14 AM)
Why not seek therapy if you have such issues? I would think they would be better to help you solve them. Personally I don't use bdsm as therapy.

DesFIP -> RE: A sub and her issues... (12/16/2008 5:13:50 AM)
But a partner should be supportive, not just brush off anything you're going through as not mattering to him. Unless you agreed upfront that this was just a NSA relationship. Hell even if it's a friend with benefits thing, they should still be a friend and offer an ear and advice. I've got a therapist but I also need to lean sometimes on my partner. That's what lovers do.

scottjk -> RE: A sub and her issues... (12/16/2008 6:45:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder Why not seek therapy if you have such issues? I would think they would be better to help you solve them. Personally I don't use bdsm as therapy. The method of therapy is usually up to the one needing it. Besides, in a relationship of any kind it's a cooperative effort to resolve issues, even in BDSM. NO progress will be made until the one in distress is willing. If using the BDSM dynamic is the framework of that cooperation, why not use it?

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