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Hardbutt -> RE: Why do they ruin it? (12/17/2008 4:22:56 PM)
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I have to believe that compatibility on all levels of life must be for a relationship to flourish. If there are many common interests, but not enough to make a relationship have the potential to continue to grow over the years, how can a person truly invest themselves in another?
Perhaps many people want the kinky relationship in their life so badly (food sex shelter are great motivators in all creatures) that they get excited and forget to evaluate the whole picture. When some of the allure of fantasy sex wears off and they begin to picture the real relationship, things can fall apart, better sooner than later. Common interests are not enough, common life principles and common goals are much more important. Interests are easy to change, I've had a thousand hobbies and expect to have many more.
If many people with whom you have really built a long connection with just disappear, it is time to question your ability to "read" people or your own suitability for relationships (do you drive people away and not realize it?). If it is someone in whom you have invested a few months or a few weeks, then you should not at all take it personally. Have you met their friends or family? If not, then you don't really know them and don't really know if they were right for you, you have only seen the "demo". It takes me a long time to truly accept someone in my inner circle, and even then I have been burned but I accept that I am as much to blame. I don't fault my ex's as evil, I understand it takes two to tango. I certainly do not feel that they "ruined" it! Clearly I had as something to do with the breakdown of relations, I was half the picture. Yes, even my lying cheating wife was partially my fault, so I don't hate her (mad yes, now I'm comfortably indifferent). If she was not an interesting and charming person, I would never have married her. If I had been a better judge of character, I would never have married her!
I have been on both sides of this sort of story since I started shopping online. From all the successful relationships I have had (that were not nurtured online) in comparison to all the people I've met in life and built an aquaintance-only relationship with, it is my belief that you have to meet thousands and thousands of people to have the chance to encounter someone with whom you just totally "click" with. A true relationship cannot be built on only a few common interests, no matter how strong that common interest may be for the both of you. In 12 years of being online (not just on kink sites) I have learned that way too many profiles are written to describe only one or two facets of the person, not the whole picture. I have had much more success at meeting people online with whom I truly like being around once I started being very honest and complete about all sides of me, my many interests, my way of conducting my life, my way of thinking and relating to people, not just my visions of an ideal. (my profile here is not very complete because I am no longer expecting to find a life mate here) Since i changed to this approach, I get very little mail but of much greater interest... to me that is the main idea!!
If you cannot be totally open and honest in your profile (I think YOU have been hereyesuponyou, just making a general statement) then it is no surprise that people find that they are not attracted to the person behind the curtain once they get a better look behind that curtain. I have been thankful when people I have communicated with for weeks disappear because it could have taken months to get to that point... what a waste of time that would have been! If we are going to truly get along, then it will be obvious from the start and no effort at all to grow. The people whom I have known for a lifetime are, with almost no exceptions, people that shared a total mutual attraction from day one. If it really takes "work" to get along, then we could both do better with someone else. I'm not saying that I don't try to grow relations with friends, I am saying that I have found that my friends who are true did not require that i act any different than the true me and they did not act like somebody they thought I would like. It was all honest from the start, not secret roleplay in any way.
If a profile is written only about kink, then the relationship will be founded only on kink. That is not enough to build a true friendship, only a sexually motivated one. I no longer find interest in profiles that only discuss kink because I expect those to lead nowhere. As for the list of interests... I suspect many people have forgotten what boxes they checked... i have written to many people to talk about our "common interests" only to be ignored. Now I write to no one unless they have openly expressed interest in things that I am passionate about. Short profiles are rarely worth the time to read.
Hmm, looking at your profile and see that you clearly have a prime relationship and others in life that will take priority over your new suitors... it may be that they are looking for more than you can give? A person willing to give all of themselves to you might well be expecting to get quite a bit back in return. Honesty will pay off for you in the long run, only people who have potential to truly like you as you are will make an effort to write to you. Tell more about you and less people will be interested... perfect!
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