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hopeful68 -> Need your help/under consideration (12/17/2008 6:43:05 PM)
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Good evening to All:
I am posting this as 'task', I believe, for disgracing myself and hurting the Dominant that has me under consideration. The question today is.. what would You consider proper punishment for me? Here it goes. Kinda long, sorry.
I am under consideration by One on this site. He is Master Paul. His ID on collarme is not that, but he will be seeing my post and all responses to it. We have what can be called and is, a long distance relationship. He does travel to my area about once a month, but has plans on making it more frequent, and each stay longer then they have been in the past.
I have been collared once before to a Dom, but some of my friends openly questioned whether or not he was really Dominant. Certainly he did not 'live' the lifestyle. And the relationship ended when he became what I believe to be a combination of ill and he just wanted to move on. He did not go about this the right way and in the process of the death of that relationship, I began to question, trust, honesty, communication, this lifestyle, the 'intentions' of all Dominants, and myself as a submissive. Needless to say, I was hurt. [:(]
It took me many months to give him his collar back, everytime I would bring up the subject of giving it back, he would hem and haw, and say, lets see how things go in the next couple of weeks. I finally said, no, Im done. I grieved for several more months afterwards and then Master Paul contacted me on CM. I was immediately taken by his picture, which showed an open smiling face and I decided that I would like to get to know this person better. I responded back to him, and we had a conversation. I am unsure of how much I disclosed of my past and vise-versa. I liked him and we agreed that the next time he was here in Seattle, we would meet. That first encounter took place in October and my most recent journal entry is about that meeting. Our next meeting was a month later, almost to the day. During that months time, he had little contact with me, other then the occasional email and IM, we had never spoken on the phone. When we spoke of his next visit he requested that I spend the night with him at his hotel, which I agreed to. We played that night and it was also the first time I have been bound by anyone. We talk easily whether it be out to dinner or during or after play.
It was while we were talking about his next planned trip that I told him that I was still dating and playing occasionally with another, not a Dominant, but sexual in nature. He was not happy about that, at least thats the way it seemed to me, and he expressed a desire to have me be 'His'. I did not agree to that at first, for several reason, one that he is long distance, two that I had never even spoken with him on the phone (he did give me his number when we had our second encounter but I know my place and did not try to initiate contact), and three because of the pain/hurt that I had just come through. I did desire to say yes however as I do like this man a great deal.
We decided to talk further about this on his next visit. That visit got cancelled and I have yet to see him again in person. We continued to talk about me being under consideration and I finally agreed and put that on my profile. He seemed very pleased. We have since talked several times on the phone but he is going through some health issues of his own, and I went for a week or more without word from him of any kind. I began to doubt.. everything. Second guessed myself, his intentions, my ability to have this type of relations, both the D/s and distance. I changed my profile back to what it had read before and added a little blip that said.. "please be single" as I thought he must be lieing to me about that, I thought he just cant call me, not that he didnt want to, but couldnt because there was already someone at home.
He saw the profile today and questioned me about it. I told him that I felt neglected and confused and needy and knew I was in trouble. I immediately told him that I would change it back. He said that no, not unless I could stand by it, that he wanted to be able to trust his submissive. I said that he could trust me more then I was willing to admit, and I confessed that I was making him pay for the deeds done wrong to me by another and that I knew it was wrong. I apologized, which he accepted, and he tasked me with this. I am also going to post this under ask a submissive to hopefully get their opinions as well. I did change my profile back immediately.
SO, question is.. what is a befitting punishment for me, for disgracing myself and hurting him, which he said I did.. I asked him straight out...
Thank you for your time, thank you for reading this, and thank you for any replies you see fit to give.
Respectfully,
c
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