Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

This is all so very new to me still.


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> This is all so very new to me still. Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
This is all so very new to me still. - 12/18/2008 6:09:25 AM   
fieldofknives


Posts: 2
Joined: 8/21/2007
Status: offline 		I am still very new and unsure about things.

How would a submissive feel if a Dominant could not support her financially. I have health problems which make my income unstable for the majority of the time. I have enough money to look after me and live a modest comfortable life but I feel like I would disappoint the woman in the relationship if I could not give her the absolute security that she requires.

I'm still also trying to get my head around relationship that includes love and respect.
Do what is it that submissives need? It just feels wrong to disrespect and treat a woman cruelly even if it is her hearts desire and it turns her on. Is this something I just have to get over or is there a place where you can give her what she desires but still give her the respect she deserves? Am I to sweet and nice to be a proper Master?

This is all so new and I feel a bit silly asking questions that maybe are quite obvious to others. I feel it is better to ask questions and feel foolish than to and remain ignorant.and be a fool.

I would value a broad range of opinions on the subject.

< Message edited by fieldofknives -- 12/18/2008 6:11:22 AM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: This is all so very new to me still. - 12/18/2008 6:13:57 AM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		Welcome to the boards.

While I expect him to take care of me, that doesn't mean I expect him to care for me financially. That is my responsibility as a grown woman... to be adult enough to support myself.

Add to that in this day and age there are not many who can comfortably survive on one income.


_____________________________


~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).




(in reply to fieldofknives)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: This is all so very new to me still. - 12/18/2008 6:22:11 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		Congratulations on asking the seemingly silly questions that most of us have asked at one point or another when we were all completely new to this.

I certainly have asked them.

As far as financially supporting a woman, that's not a Dominant thing, but a male thing. We're (generally) expected to be the bread earners and thus we (generally) feel insecure if we can't provide it. I currently don't make a whole lot of money and am somewhere right above the poverty line. I have yet to have a girl I have dated who genuinely cared about ME have an issue with that. It "is" what it "is" and the two of you just have to pragmatically work around it.

Does that mean that there is not submissive women out there who will turn you down because of your income level? Well, there is a lot of women out there period who will do that and that just means they are not the women for you.

As far as what a submissive needs, that comes down to the individual. Everyone needs different things and you just have to find someone who needs what you provide.

As far as having to be cruel and mean to be a Master, that is actually a really common newbie question and one that is bred from the misconception created by limited exposure to just porn and fiction. That kind of stuff, for me, at least, is "fantasy". It's "kink". My relationships (and I would go as far as to say "most" power based relationships out there) very much are based off love and respect. If I am being cruel and mean, it's a sexual fetish only. Something I am doing for our mutual enjoyment (or sometimes just my enjoyment). But it's "kink" and "fantasy" and bares no resemblence to the way I treat her as a partner. It's actually a way for her to express her love and devotion to me by suffering for me.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to fieldofknives)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: This is all so very new to me still. - 12/18/2008 7:37:25 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fieldofknives

I am still very new and unsure about things.

How would a submissive feel if a Dominant could not support her financially. I have health problems which make my income unstable for the majority of the time. I have enough money to look after me and live a modest comfortable life but I feel like I would disappoint the woman in the relationship if I could not give her the absolute security that she requires.

I'm still also trying to get my head around relationship that includes love and respect.
Do what is it that submissives need? It just feels wrong to disrespect and treat a woman cruelly even if it is her hearts desire and it turns her on. Is this something I just have to get over or is there a place where you can give her what she desires but still give her the respect she deserves? Am I to sweet and nice to be a proper Master?

This is all so new and I feel a bit silly asking questions that maybe are quite obvious to others. I feel it is better to ask questions and feel foolish than to and remain ignorant.and be a fool.

I would value a broad range of opinions on the subject.


  Please allow me to add my words of welcome to the boards of CM. My first thought reading your post was to raise my eyes and give thanks for a newby who have the courage and sense to ask questions which I dare say we all have either asked or wanted to.  Remember there are no stupid questions, only stupid people who fear to ask them.
 

What does a submissive want? I have no experience with submissives but a great deal of experience with slaves. Generally they want and ift need a Master/Dominant who will Master them. As you grow in confidence in your Mastery your sub/slave will grow in her confidence in you which builds into trust and respect. If she has an ounce of brains between her pretty ears and assuming she knows your inexperience, she will expect you to make mistakes and even at times stumble. Probably she will put out a hand to save you falling flat on your face. In this respect, assuming that she is experienced, can be your best teacher for the day to day areas of Mastery.


  Regarding finances, some women will expect you to at least be self supporting for many have been ripped off in bad relationships and marriages. Some certainly will expect you to have a certain level of income to allow for a higher cost lifestyle in which she can bask. Some will expect you to financially support her. Most I would think do not worry as long as you can take care of yourself and don’t impose a financial burden on them.
 

Regarding cruelty, all I will say is with experience, you will find that once a sub/slave has entered sub space or is sexually aroused, they often crave some level of pain. Learn to go with the flow to some regard and explore your own sadism (we all have some somewhere).    

Best of luck to you and please never be afraid to ask for help, ideas or opinions.

< Message edited by IronBear -- 12/18/2008 7:38:25 AM >

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to fieldofknives)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: This is all so very new to me still. - 12/18/2008 10:36:25 AM   
mc1234


Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline 		Welcome to the boards.  :)

A few questions for you to consider.  Do you want a relationship that includes love and respect?  Some people do want relationships that include those emotions; some people don't. You need to define 'cruel' both for yourself and with any submissive you're speaking with, because odds are the definitions will vary wildly and communicating with someone will help to see if your desires match.  A D/s relationship doesn't have to include BDSM/kink activities.  It can be purely power-based - no cruelty really needed. 

For me, I enjoy some cruelty in our play ... and then I need him to build me up again afterwards, giving me tender care and his warmth and sharing his emotions with me.  Sweet and nice can definitely mix with being a Master.  When I first started out, I made the 'newbie' mistake of thinking a Dom should act a certain way (you know, 'Domly'!) ... then I came to realize that I need so much more. 

Hope that all makes sense!

(in reply to fieldofknives)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: This is all so very new to me still. - 12/18/2008 11:20:07 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Hello and welcome.
You as a Master have no obligation to care for your slave's financial needs. Some Masters like to do this, and have the finances to do so. Some slaves like to be taken care of. For other Masters and slaves it is just the opposite. Even when they become married, the financial realities of today is that both partners usually need to work to have any quality of life.

The issue for you is not "should" you care for her financially. It is what do you believe, and what does she believe. As long as the two of you agree on the issue, you are fine.

Your second question is a bit harder for a beginner to get their head around. You are not disrespecting a woman if she desires to be treated cruelly and you oblige her. There is no conflict between treating her cruelly AND treating her with respect. It is a matter of what both of you want out of the bdsm relationship, something that needs to be talked out between the two of you - that is how you find out if you are potentially compatible.

Also understand, we in this lifestyle are here partly because we want to embrace our entire being, which includes both the light and dark sides of our personality. To enjoy all the pleasures that come from that exploration of who we are.

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to fieldofknives)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: This is all so very new to me still. - 12/18/2008 12:37:40 PM   
kdmfl


Posts: 118
Joined: 12/3/2008
Status: offline 		I think being a dominant person is just something that is natural for many people.  Income level does not determine who is dominant.  Maybe in some past history the dominant force took what they wanted from the submissive.  Not today.  I make an honest living, I work an honest job.  I have a roof over my head, bills are paid and there is food on my table.  Could I support a submissive?  Not if I wanted to have a life and not work a second job.  It is a turnoff to some subs that there are some of us have financial obligations such as child support.   I person who would judge you based on your status in life is probably not someone you would want to be with anyway.  It is the confidence you hold within yourself that should and will make a difference to a suitable partner whether that person would be able to submit to yourself.  Being dominant is more then giving instructions and administering punishment and pain.

(in reply to SirDominic)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: This is all so very new to me still. - 12/18/2008 1:39:39 PM   
bratnwranglers


Posts: 113
Joined: 5/24/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fieldofknives

I am still very new and unsure about things.

How would a submissive feel if a Dominant could not support her financially. I have health problems which make my income unstable for the majority of the time. I have enough money to look after me and live a modest comfortable life but I feel like I would disappoint the woman in the relationship if I could not give her the absolute security that she requires.

I'm still also trying to get my head around relationship that includes love and respect.
Do what is it that submissives need? It just feels wrong to disrespect and treat a woman cruelly even if it is her hearts desire and it turns her on. Is this something I just have to get over or is there a place where you can give her what she desires but still give her the respect she deserves? Am I to sweet and nice to be a proper Master?

This is all so new and I feel a bit silly asking questions that maybe are quite obvious to others. I feel it is better to ask questions and feel foolish than to and remain ignorant.and be a fool.

I would value a broad range of opinions on the subject.



as a submissive, i thing for a relationship even to begin there has to be a deep respect at the very least for each other, sub respecting the Dom and putting herself in His hands, and the Dom respecting that gift as it were, and still respecting her as a person. there are many different facets in this lifestyle from one extreme to another. i myself have no desire at all to be treated cruelly, i'm not a "pain slut" as it where. being nice and sweet are two very desireable characteristics in a Master, but i guess the question is having the strength to say what You mean, and mean (do) what You say...i.e. punishments, following through, that type of thing.

as far as supporting Your submissive, i don't think thats a given at all, its just like anything else, You will find Your gold diggers and money grubbers, but they probably aren't someone You want to spend time with. when i think of financial support i think of my Master as someone to help me budget my money correctly and adequately and to help me answer questions and things of that nature. and again, this all differs per relationship.... this lifestyle is what You make it in Your life...thats the beauty of it. :)

(in reply to fieldofknives)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: This is all so very new to me still. - 12/18/2008 1:47:38 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		Hi Fieldofknives
Welcome to the boards

Sir can financially take care of himself, but not both of us. Which is fine with me, since when we met, my goal was to learn financial independence. Sir is good with money matters and setting up a business, so this is where he has control me in regards to finances. We do not live together either, but are an hour apart.

From what i read from the Doms here, you received great advice. Only advice i can give is be yourself and offer only what you can. Let yourself grow into the role of a Dom.
oceanwynds

(in reply to fieldofknives)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: This is all so very new to me still. - 12/18/2008 6:04:31 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		To be a dominant all you need is the desire to be the one who makes the decisions. You don't have to be wealthy, you don't have to be sadistic, you don't have to be kinky.

To be a successful dominant you have to have the ability to make good decisions. If you take into consideration the results of your decisions on the submissive, and don't set her up to fail but look for win/win results instead of adversarial positions; then in my book you would be a good dominant.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to oceanwynds)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: This is all so very new to me still. - 12/18/2008 7:09:52 PM   
Cuffkinks


Posts: 1780
Joined: 5/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fieldofknives

I am still very new and unsure about things.

How would a submissive feel if a Dominant could not support her financially. I have health problems which make my income unstable for the majority of the time. I have enough money to look after me and live a modest comfortable life but I feel like I would disappoint the woman in the relationship if I could not give her the absolute security that she requires.

I'm still also trying to get my head around relationship that includes love and respect.
Do what is it that submissives need? It just feels wrong to disrespect and treat a woman cruelly even if it is her hearts desire and it turns her on. Is this something I just have to get over or is there a place where you can give her what she desires but still give her the respect she deserves? Am I to sweet and nice to be a proper Master?

This is all so new and I feel a bit silly asking questions that maybe are quite obvious to others. I feel it is better to ask questions and feel foolish than to and remain ignorant.and be a fool.

I would value a broad range of opinions on the subject.


Welcome.

To throw in my own ...
As for finances... There are many here who lead simple lives. I'm one of them. My little girl works full time, as do I. That's real life and like it or not...it's there. Anyone who places more importance on your income than you as a person isn't worth your time. Period. There are those that want their property at their beck and call 24/7 and have the means to support them. If that's what works for them, it's fine. Just as there are subs/slaves who wish to be in that type of relationship. Again...if that's what works...so be it. You'll probably find that type of relationship to be the exception rather than the rule.
As for love and respect...Some need it in their relationship, others don't. It all depends on the relationship and the people in it. Which brings me to your next question..."So what is it that submissives need?" A better question is: "What does MY submissive need?" You'll have to find that out from the submissive. While there are some generic answers, you have to treat each submissive individually. You'll need to get inside her head. And that can't be done generically. You can ask 10 different subs that question and get 10 different answers.
You thought this was going to be easy, huh? LOL!
Talk to her. And even more important...LISTEN when she talks to you. Open communication establishes trust. Establish the trust that is paramount in a D/s relationship and she will give you the keys to the kingdom.
As for cruelty...Yes, it is possible to be downright cruel and still repect the woman you're involved with.
Is it necessary to be cruel? No. Is it fun? Absolutely! Mind you...that's my opinion. You will form your own.
Your last question: Are you too sweet and nice to be a proper Master? I have no stats to back me up on this...but I think the majority of sub/slaves here would rather belong to someone who inspires their submission through attention, care, encouragement and positive energy, rather than someone who tried to constantly beat them into submission while in full blown "Cruel Dom" mode all the time.
Some of my responses may seem rather vague. But that's because there are no blueprints out there. The parameters of a relationship are made by the people in it. That goes for any relationship, not just those in the lifestyle. So read, talk, listen, explore, and become the type of Master that you're comfortable being. And have fun doing it!

Again...welcome. Don't ever feel silly asking questions. The only dumb question is the one you don't ask.


_____________________________

Resident "11"

"I love you, Sir. You make my heart sing and my panties wet. What more could a girl ask for?" - hejira92

"And that's why it's good to be...Me." - Gene $immons

(in reply to fieldofknives)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: This is all so very new to me still. - 12/18/2008 9:01:44 PM   
loveandlight87


Posts: 110
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline 		Cuffkinks - Well said!!!

I would agree with everything posted so far.  As Cuffkinks said, I too am inspired to submission through love and care.  I would be outright rebellious if my Sir decided he was going to be the porn, stereotype version of the Cruel Captain Domly Dom. 

love

(in reply to Cuffkinks)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: This is all so very new to me still. - 12/18/2008 9:21:26 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Not all of us are looking for the slaves in our lives to support us financially. So, you know when you find someone like that, they're not a match for you.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to fieldofknives)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: This is all so very new to me still. - 12/19/2008 4:10:35 PM   
greeneyedreamer


Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Which brings me to your next question..."So what is it that submissives need?" A better question is: "What does MY submissive need?" You'll have to find that out from the submissive.


That is exactly what my Dom asks himself, it shows daily...

Dreamer

_____________________________

Dreamer, owned and ecstatically happy

I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

(in reply to Cuffkinks)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: This is all so very new to me still. - 12/19/2008 4:16:54 PM   
Huntertn


Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline 		I agree that Cuffkinks cover it as well as anyone can....causeing pain is not what makes a Dom for everyone...but yea its fun..LOL..but its not for everyone nor should it be I guess...

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: This is all so very new to me still. - 12/19/2008 4:52:37 PM   
sujuguete


Posts: 263
Joined: 7/3/2008
From: DC metro area
Status: offline 		Another s-type's point of view:  Sure, it would be wonderful to have a Dom who could support me financially so that I could concentrate on serving and pleasing Him.  Do I expect that?  Absolutely not.  This is the real world, I have a mortgage, a car payment and children.  I would not expect a Dom to take on that kind of financial responsibility for me (and my kids).

As for the cruelty part, I'm wondering if you are questioning it as it applies to the "training" part of D/s that gets discussed here.  It is completely possible to "train" a sub without using cruelty, if that is what you want.  You can correct, discipline, and even punish without being cruel.  As Cuffkinks said, find out what your sub needs, and act accordingly.  Find out what motivates her and what doesn't, what makes her turn to a pool of jello and what makes her freeze up.  Being sweet and nice is a good thing, especially when you know when not to be sweet and nice.

Good luck to you!

_____________________________

"The true man wants two things: danger and play. For this reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

(in reply to fieldofknives)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: This is all so very new to me still. - 12/19/2008 5:21:33 PM   
Vanessacherry


Posts: 18
Joined: 12/13/2008
Status: offline 		I would love my Master to take care of me so that i could concentrate on his needs.  I know that this is not realistic in todays world.  I accept it and do what i have to do.
I am somewhat new to all of this also so bare with me on the second part of your question.
The first thing that comes to mind is that you really should not think so much about what the subs all want but what you want.  You need to be certain of what you want in your life and go from there.  If you want to mistreat a female and it pleases her to please you in this way, then for me, this would be a dominant act.  I hope you understand what i mean.
As a sub, i think that i am looking for that more than anything else.

(in reply to sujuguete)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: This is all so very new to me still. - 12/19/2008 5:26:31 PM   
hejira92


Posts: 2272
Joined: 10/27/2005
From: Palm Beach County, Fl
Status: offline 		*contented sigh*
 
Sorry if it sounds like boasting, but I read posts like the one He wrote in this thread, and all I can think is - I am one lucky girl.
 
 
(end hijack)

_____________________________

Property of Cuffkinks

Member:
The Pimpettes
MoGa's IN-Crowd

"You're the gleam in my eye, the smile on my face and the bulge in my pants" - Cuffkinks

(in reply to sujuguete)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: This is all so very new to me still. - 12/19/2008 8:54:53 PM   
mc1234


Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hejira92

*contented sigh*
 
Sorry if it sounds like boasting, but I read posts like the one He wrote in this thread, and all I can think is - I am one lucky girl.

(end hijack)


  Boast away - it's lovely to read! 

To the OP ... there's something wonderful about a Dominant who is a very nice, kind, sweet man who also has a  darker side.  I'd see that kind side for awhile, feeling all warm and secure in my submission to him, and then his darker edges would show, making me feel amazingly hot, sexy, thrilling, deep emotions ... and then I'm brought back to myself by the caring side of him in the end.  That roller coaster ride is both thrilling and lets me know he's not going to let me fall, even if he asks something difficult of me - because I would trust him enough to know he's my safety net.  And he is able to revel in his Dominance knowing full well that I'm feeling safe and secure within our relationship.  To me, it's a win/win really, when it happens. 

(in reply to hejira92)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: This is all so very new to me still. - 12/22/2008 4:43:42 AM   
kittenpuss


Posts: 22
Joined: 5/7/2008
Status: offline 		I don't expect a dominant to look after me financially, as it is more about understanding me mentally and emotionally which is far more important, but I will say, as with everything,  different subs are looking for different things so just be honest about what you can give do at the start.

(in reply to fieldofknives)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> This is all so very new to me still. Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094