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Mood Swings - 12/19/2008 2:34:53 AM   
LittleMissModern


Posts: 72
Joined: 12/7/2008
Status: offline 		I do this thing in conversation with my boyfriend (especially when I'm PMS-ing) where I get upset, and then immediately after I've expressed my being upset, I regret it... but then I'm upset at myself for being upset... and I can't get myself out of that cycle to make things back to being decent in the conversation. 

Then he starts to yell, and get upset with me... and then I feel even worse... and then I cry. 

Then he yells more, and says something mean, usually about me being childish. 

And I can't take that away... it's there for both of us... the memory of that conversation exists for both of us, as does eachother's actions and reactions. 

It hurts me.  It's a cycle I've (we've) created that now exists in our relationship and I really want it to go away. 

Something I've discussed with him from the beginning is that I've never had the chance to change.  Everyone holds me to the person they see me as (whether it be unsuccessful daughter, bitchy girlfriend, someone who's always available, etc.), and I don't have an opportunity to change that view.  I'm expected to react a certain way to certain things, and then when I set out to change my reaction, I'm not given the opportunity. 

For example: In the past, when my boyfriend and I get into an arguement, I tend to drag it out until I feel things are resolved.  Last night we got into an arguement, and I had made up my mind not to drag it out for hours. I didn't have a chance to show him that, because as soon as I started talking he said "I know how this goes and I don't want to deal with it right now" and then hung up the phone. 

Tonight, we got into an arguement, and I decided that I wanted to talk it through to the end (because trying not to do that didn't work last night) and then he got upset at me. 

I see a distinct difference between when I'm PMS-ing and when I'm not.  Most of our arguments happen during that time because I'm more emotional, and my feelings get hurt easier.  He doesn't see it that way, probably because he doesn't know what my body is going through, so it's not an obvious separation for him like it is for me.  He just thinks I get upset because I'm too sensitive all the time.  The difference is that we don't argue at all when I'm not PMS-ing.  I'm not nearly as moody and I'm much more "go with the flow".  (Maybe I should make an efford to document when my emotions get all screwey so I could show him... don't men relate better to things with numbers and stuff?)

My moods when I'm PMS-ing kindof go like this:
Happy
Super Romantic/Sexual
Depressed/Sad
Angry
Irritable
and then I start my period.

So I guess my questions are:

How can I change people's perception of me? I know it's going to take a long time and I'm going to have to repeat the more desirable actions many many times before it's thought of as "normal". 

How do I get myself out of upset mode (upset in general, at myself, or at him) in time enough to make the best of the conversation?

How can I minimize (non medically) my mood swings when I'm PMS-ing?
How can I recognize it in time so it minimally impacts others?

He's getting tired of dealing with me, and frankly, I don't blame him.  I just want to be able to start a new trend of getting along better when I'm PMS-ing so that he'll not be so frustrated with me that he just decides not to be around me anymore. 




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RE: Mood Swings - 12/19/2008 4:17:17 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleMissModern
How can I change people's perception of me?


By changing your behavior, taking ownership of it, being responsible for it and being consistent.

quote:

How do I get myself out of upset mode (upset in general, at myself, or at him) in time enough to make the best of the conversation?  


By telling yourself to stop the moment you recognize it. By admitting out loud that you are being emotional or irrational and that you would like to take a break and gather yourself before continuing down a path that leads nowhere.

quote:

  How can I minimize (non medically) my mood swings when I'm PMS-ing?


PMS *IS* medical...so why would you want to try to manage it non-medically? There are things that can be done to help. I know that most of my life PMS was of no issue for me. For a few years though it became a very big issue. I spoke to my gynecologist, had a few tests and tried a few different things before we hit on something that worked well.

quote:

How can I recognize it in time so it minimally impacts others?   


Well, you're already part way there. You are aware that you have this issue. Track it on a calendar and you will get a good idea when the onset is about to happen. That should tell you when to start being really watchful. If possible, try to avoid heavy "talks" during that time. If it is not possible to wait to talk something out, go into that talk with the knowledge of your emotional state and be prepared to stop and take breaks if it starts to become heated.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

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RE: Mood Swings - 12/19/2008 4:20:02 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		I'd also like to add that it is NOT ok to use PMS as an excuse for bad behavior. Yes, it is a real condition that does make things more difficult during that time. But the behavior is still yours and you are still responsible for it and accountable for it. It's yours to own.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Mood Swings - 12/19/2008 4:40:57 AM   
LittleMissModern


Posts: 72
Joined: 12/7/2008
Status: offline 		I didn't mean non medically... i meant "non prescription"

I know that it's still my actions no matter what time of the month it is, but it's always been an issue...


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RE: Mood Swings - 12/19/2008 6:18:22 AM   
mc1234


Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline 		I've experienced PMS in varying degrees as soon as I was 16 or so.  At 17 my mom took me to the gyn because of the severity of my symptoms.  I started on the pill then and, while off and on for pregnancies, have been on it since then, and I'm now 43.  (and facing going off it due to my age - argh!) 

If you're not willing to go on the birth control pill for help, I'd suggest googling (is that now a verb? lol) natural remedies for PMS symptoms - sometimes it's as simple as extra B vitamins or an herbal tea to calm your emotions at that time. 

You're on your way to understanding your cycle - perhaps if you're very regular you can calendar it out each month and you will be ahead of yourself in predicting your emotional responses if you know a bad day or two may be ahead.  Avoiding situations and knowing when to shut up and be alone can go a long way to not subjecting others to your mood swings. 

As far as your track record with others -  only your actions and steady attitude will convince them you're not going to explode out of nowhere.  If I do lose my temper and flip out, I apologize.  I did this to my kids the other morning, and I explained to each of them that I hadn't been feeling well and that I was sorry to have taken it out on them (but, you know, if they'd only picked up the clothes in the hallway so I didn't trip on them ...  lol, but I digress)

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RE: Mood Swings - 12/19/2008 6:18:31 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		Have you tried cutting back on salt and sugar?

And honestly, many women are helped by birth control pills.

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RE: Mood Swings - 12/19/2008 6:40:43 AM   
LittleMissModern


Posts: 72
Joined: 12/7/2008
Status: offline 		are you kidding me? i eat more salt and sugar this time of the month than any other...

it's insane, really. 

that would help?




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RE: Mood Swings - 12/19/2008 6:41:37 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		yup!

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RE: Mood Swings - 12/19/2008 6:51:14 AM   
LittleMissModern


Posts: 72
Joined: 12/7/2008
Status: offline 		i guess it's worth a try...


maybe i should go back on birth control?

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RE: Mood Swings - 12/19/2008 7:22:02 AM   
mc1234


Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline 		You definitely need to watch your salt and sugar intakes - all through the month, not just when you're having your cravings.  Honestly, it sounds like you need a good chat with your GYN to learn how to cope with your symptoms.  It's a complicated thing.  And yes, birth control can definitely help.  I take Yasmin, which is a fantastic medicine and does help a lot with my symptoms.  

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RE: Mood Swings - 12/19/2008 7:40:21 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleMissModern

How can I change people's perception of me? I know it's going to take a long time and I'm going to have to repeat the more desirable actions many many times before it's thought of as "normal".



Behave differently, don't explain, don't apologize, as some people will take that as making excuses and a sign of weakness. Change the ways you do things, even if it means reorganizing your life and daily routine.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleMissModern

How do I get myself out of upset mode (upset in general, at myself, or at him) in time enough to make the best of the conversation?

How can I minimize (non medically) my mood swings when I'm PMS-ing?
How can I recognize it in time so it minimally impacts others?



I don't PMS (because I can't) but I have gender dysphoria attacks and this can throw my emotions haywire. First thing chill, let stuff go, don't get upset over trivialities, and if you feel a paddy coming on make your excuses and leave to be somewhere not around other people. Physical exercise is brilliant for shifting negative emotions, cleaning, walking, cycling, whatever. Up your exercise levels and do more physical stuff when you're PMS-ing. Focus on such activities when you feel a paddy coming on, look forward to those activities, make time for them, and this should keep you chilled around other people.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleMissModern

He's getting tired of dealing with me, and frankly, I don't blame him. I just want to be able to start a new trend of getting along better when I'm PMS-ing so that he'll not be so frustrated with me that he just decides not to be around me anymore.



I'm lucky because I'm a bit like a human shock absorber for negative female emotions and I exert my own warm, calming influence, and I know that there are others like me but most people aren't, they don't want to have to deal with an emotionally unstable adult (let's face it, an emotionally unstable UM is enough to put most people in a tizzy) and when you start getting negative people react as if you've got BO. You can see it as emotional BO in a way.

The best thing I would suiggest is talk to him and get him to support you in making those changes. Going for a walk together somewhere is much more positive than spending an hour or two bitching at each other, but it takes effort also from you because you're probably not going to be at the most energetic phase of your cycle.

Hope this helps.






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RE: Mood Swings - 12/19/2008 10:14:05 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I suffered PMS greatly in the past.

Number one, I had to take responsibility for my behaviour.

Secondly, I learned abot medication and watchfulness. Learning to watch myself, be aware of my body, accept what it was doing, and take a mental step back. Just being aware and watchful made a huge difference in how I impacted those around me. I wouldn't have emotional discussions during those few days. I made myself question the response I wanted to have with what was appropriate for the situation. Then, I made myself wait before I reacted. Most of the time I realized that not only would I have been grossly over-reacting, I was going to be reacting un-necessarily period.

And yes, diet makes a huge difference. The healthier you eat the easier it will be. Caffiene and sodas can also make it much worse. Drink lots of water and even more importantly, get plenty of sleep. Give yourself quiet, alone time. Permission to cry if you need to as it also helps cleanse thngs both physically and emotionally.

Create a situation for yourself to suceed instead of making excuses for the behaviour.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Mood Swings - 12/27/2008 8:02:16 AM   
T1981


Posts: 557
Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline 		This is an interesting thread for me to read. I've recently gotten my period back after 7 years of being on the Depo (went off since hubby and I decided we'd like children in the next few years), and PMS has returned 12 times worse than I ever recall it being before. Having spent 7 years away from the naturual cycles of my body, I'm still getting used to it all.

One thing that seems to help the mental part of it for me is realizing a positive - a huge positive, actually - about the return of my period. My sex drive has shot up to record highs since my periods have returned, something that has been a huge boon (obviously) to our BDSM life. When I'm feeling awful or like I hate my body and brain for what it's doing, I try to remember that it is because of my body and brain that I am now enjoying the best sex and intimacy of my entire life. It doesn't make the cramping or the nausea or the tears any less, but it does give me something to hold onto during the rougher parts.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
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RE: Mood Swings - 12/27/2008 9:10:45 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I suffered PMS greatly in the past.

Number one, I had to take responsibility for my behaviour.

Secondly, I learned abot medication and watchfulness. Learning to watch myself, be aware of my body, accept what it was doing, and take a mental step back. Just being aware and watchful made a huge difference in how I impacted those around me. I wouldn't have emotional discussions during those few days. I made myself question the response I wanted to have with what was appropriate for the situation. Then, I made myself wait before I reacted. Most of the time I realized that not only would I have been grossly over-reacting, I was going to be reacting un-necessarily period.

And yes, diet makes a huge difference. The healthier you eat the easier it will be. Caffiene and sodas can also make it much worse. Drink lots of water and even more importantly, get plenty of sleep. Give yourself quiet, alone time. Permission to cry if you need to as it also helps cleanse thngs both physically and emotionally.

Create a situation for yourself to suceed instead of making excuses for the behaviour.


I loved this post.  PMS is the one thing that can take me back to the headspace that I had when I was depressed.  You have just described how I manage to deal with it and still maintain the positive headspace that he expects of me.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

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RE: Mood Swings - 12/27/2008 10:29:11 AM   
maybemaybenot


Posts: 2817
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleMissModern


It hurts me.  It's a cycle I've (we've) created that now exists in our relationship and I really want it to go away. 
How hard are you both willing to work at making it work ?

Something I've discussed with him from the beginning is that I've never had the chance to change.  Everyone holds me to the person they see me as (whether it be unsuccessful daughter, bitchy girlfriend, someone who's always available, etc.), and I don't have an opportunity to change that view.  I'm expected to react a certain way to certain things, and then when I set out to change my reaction, I'm not given the opportunity. 

You don't need anyone's permission to change. You just have to do it.  The questions you need to ask yourself is: Do you know how to change, do you have the tools to make the changes and are you willing to lose a few people along they way as you change ?  If there are dysfunctional people in your life, they will do everything to make the change difficult. They do not want you to change, they need you as  you are. Other than that they would need to look inside themselves and accept their own failings. Much easier to point at some one else. Therapy and support groups were my saving graces.


How can I change people's perception of me?
By changing  your   your perception of you. And by realizing that you may not change people's perception of you. Make the changes for you, for the things you see in yourself that you believe are in need of change. Not based on anyone else's ideas.

I know it's going to take a long time and I'm going to have to repeat the more desirable actions many many times before it's thought of as "normal". 

How do I get myself out of upset mode (upset in general, at myself, or at him) in time enough to make the best of the conversation?
It is perfectly OK to tell anyone that you are not in a great mood and another time would be better to get together, talk, discuss a problem etc. Hell, I don't even menstruate or PMS anymore and I completely comfortable telling some one this.
Long after you stop menstrating and PMS ing you will still have bad moods. It's nature, it's normal. It's life. You need to find what works for you.

How can I recognize it in time so it minimally impacts others?
The answer lies in re arranging this thought. Ask yourself, instead :
How can I recognize it so it minimally impacts me ?  It will follow that others are less impacted also.



I never had PMS until the last 2-3 years before I stopped menstrating. Once I recognized this as PMS and not me losing my mind, my Dominant and I made an agreement that I had to ID when I was starting to have PMS. This gave him the heads up that I had the potential to be a nutcase and made me take responsibilty for it. Any major decisions, discussions etc < that could be> were tabled until I got my period. This was difficult, because at times I wanted to argue and fight, but I was cut off immediately if I even tried to go there.If I got angry/irratable, he had a big wooden board he made for me. I had to go downstairs and hammer nails in it and then remove them until the anger passed. It was a great stress reliever.
Sometimes I would hammer for hours. If I got weepy or sad, he put in a sappy chic flick and let me cry. My moods weren't encouraged, but given a healthy outlet. Over time my symptoms lessened because I knew I had a safe place I could put them should they show their ugly head.
The day before I got my period I had this complete exhaustion I cannot even describe. That never went away. I could barely stay awake at work, let alone at home. On that day, I came home and had no chores, no responsibilities except to sleep. He cooked, pampered me, drew my bath, rubbed my feet and coddled me.


edited to add:  No booze, no sweets, no processed foods at this time also. Salt, I had to have, due to a different medical condition. But yes, diet helped too. As did some natural medicines.
                        mbmbn

< Message edited by maybemaybenot -- 12/27/2008 10:32:26 AM >

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Tolerance of evil is suicide.- NYC Firefighter

When tolerance is not reciprocated, tolerance becomes surrender.

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