Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Better or Worse?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Better or Worse? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Better or Worse? - 12/19/2008 5:31:24 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		It always seems that at this time of year there are people who either get together ( auld lang syne) or break up--I think the stats show that this next to Valentine's Day is the first or second key time ( no I didn't loook them up).  One of the things I shake My head at is people who don't learn from their mistakes (I'm not judging here, its a musing)--people who repeatedly chase after the fantasy, the illusion, the "there"--( and yes Des, signing over the deed to the "house" in a week) and then within a week, a month, 6 weeks,  or longer--stop and do the "oh shit, I've done it again"--
 
is it better or worse in our WIITWD?

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Better or Worse? - 12/19/2008 5:35:37 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
is it better or worse in our WIITWD?


Better or worse? I don't know...I really don't think it's much different. I have a lot of nilla friends who do the same stuff. They seem to run through people and relationships like water.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to CatdeMedici)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Better or Worse? - 12/19/2008 5:45:19 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		People in all walks of life want to love and be loved. They want it so much they don't wait for "real" love to develop, but instead think infatuation is the real deal. A very good "vanilla" friend of mine wants so much to have a relationship that after just a couple of dates she gets upset when the guy doesn't contact her every day.

Wanting a place to belong and chasing after that brass ring is not exclusive to the D/s dynamic. Nor do I believe it happens more often in this dynamic.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to CatdeMedici)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Better or Worse? - 12/19/2008 5:51:02 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		It's neither.  People doing BDSM etc come from everyday life and people are fucked up everywhere.  It's neither better nor worse, it just is.  And everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect and it's counter productive to muse over others difficulties when we all have our own fuck ups we should be dealing with.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to CatdeMedici)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Better or Worse? - 12/19/2008 5:52:58 AM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		Better or Worse?
This is a human condition. It crosses the boards of all lifestyles. So many times in my life i see people make major relationship decisions within the first 6 months of a relationship, to wake up and say what did i do?  I always call that the rose color season of a relationship. Reality hasn't set in yet. They never took the time to let the relationship grow. I have also seen people sell themselves out, for comfort and a place to live etc, and this is not limited to this lifestyle.

oceanwynds

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Better or Worse? - 12/19/2008 6:03:43 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		I do believe that one mistake I see here on almost a weekly basis is people comparing the mundane world with the world of kink as though it were peopled by a different species. This has about as much logic as some one who identifies as Gorean living the Gorean Lifestyle as coming from Gor (a fictional planet). A realty check will provide ample proof that the strictly mundanes (the ones who have no passionate interests), have the same or similar problems as do the rest of mankind. This ca n be applied with the same results generally for Trekies, Religious devotees, Tree huggers, Greenies, Military Historical reinactors, the SCA and all other sub cultures including kingsters (of whom many also belong to some of the groups I have listed). I surmise that the only difference will be the specific causes or the way they are looked and dealt with. 

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Better or Worse? - 12/19/2008 6:20:35 AM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline 		i dont know if anyone out there is going to come up with a different answer than the consensus here...we all want to be wanted, need to be needed and the holidays bring a certain longing that is, i would say, always there but is exaggerated during this season.
i dont know why people tend to lose all sense of self preservation and make poor decisions especially at this time of year, but it happens across the board.
But its not "this community" its everyone.

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Better or Worse? - 12/19/2008 8:46:47 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		I sucked at nilla relationships, i suck at M/s relationships. So no difference in my opinion.
Oh and just for the record i haven't spent a christmas with someone special for around ten years. That sucks too

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to persephonee)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Better or Worse? - 12/19/2008 10:30:20 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I'm just adding My voice to the chior here.  We're not different than a lot of other people in some regards.  We just happen to like different activities than the folks next door.  It doesn't mean that we are any different in wanting home, hearth, family, and many of the other things that most other people you pass on the street want.

Yes, in My opinion, that is brought to the forefront during the holidays.  Aren't all those images of togetherness bombarded on us?  It's not like you see touchy feely commercials about how happy people are to be alone, just settling down with a good book or by holiday dinner for one. Heck no. 

What effect does this have?  Well, at times, it leads us to doing dumb ass shit.  Rekindle dynamics or relationships that weren't good for us in the first place, just for the sake of having one.   It's so easy to be lured back because that bit of loneliness is an effective tool.   It's so easy to remember the good things at this time of year. 

Generally, the error of this comes to light somewhere around mid January, when common sense comes back.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Better or Worse? - 12/19/2008 11:05:15 AM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

is it better or worse in our WIITWD?

I know most people say it's about the same for everyone, but for me personally, my relationships are a lot better since I've embraced and explored my ...perv side, I guess I'll call it.

I'm better at recognizing what I like and what makes me uncomfortable, and I'm better at expressing it - as a byproduct, I think I'm a little better at considering other's feelings too, and taking them into account, and I'm better at doing something about it if something's not right, rather than letting it go on and on.

Also, now a lot of business gets settled (romantic, huh?!) at the front end of a potential relationship, rather than haphazardly blundered into later, or ignored completely.

Not that there aren't plenty of opportunities for confusion and mistakes...

Still; I appreciate that for me personally, there is a difference.

Although, maybe I've just had a bit of luck lately...

In general, though, it probably isn't different. The "Master" with a capital "M" can sound a lot like shorthand for "a knight in shining armor" and the sub stand in for the damsel in distress.

Nothing wrong with romantic aspirations, and I'm as much a romantic sap as the next sap, but I try not to put "the cart before the horse", so to speak (as perhaps evidenced by my business-like metaphors for relationship work, above.)

(in reply to CatdeMedici)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Better or Worse? - 12/19/2008 11:56:53 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

People in all walks of life want to love and be loved. They want it so much they don't wait for "real" love to develop, but instead think infatuation is the real deal. A very good "vanilla" friend of mine wants so much to have a relationship that after just a couple of dates she gets upset when the guy doesn't contact her every day.

Wanting a place to belong and chasing after that brass ring is not exclusive to the D/s dynamic. Nor do I believe it happens more often in this dynamic.

I agree with nv.  We're no different than the rest of the people occupying the space on the glove with us.  In general, most people want to be loved and they want to share their love with someone who is that special O/one.

Like nv, I've seen people who expect that a couple of dates earns them exclusivity status or ensures that the other party's interest in finding one is the same as their own.  While the other person's interest in finding someone may be as high, specific interest in the one sitting at home waiting for each phone call may not be as high....OR...it may be but they also have other interests, including other people that they are interested in, friends, family, work, kids.  I used tto BE one of the people that nv describes...not desperate but I had difficulty with the idea that someone could be seeing me and be interested in me and also be interested in others.

This will be the 2nd Xmas that I've not shared with someone special...and that's O.K..  The day will come.

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Better or Worse? - 12/19/2008 12:05:13 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		I am with the above.  It’s all the same. 

This year for the holidays I will not have a live in partner in my house.  This is the second time in my life I recall this happening.  Both within the past 8 years.  I have love in my life and do not expect to spend the holidays in solitude but, I am not putting up a tree or all the other trimmings that normally accompany the holiday season shared with family. 

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Better or Worse? - 12/19/2008 1:15:56 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Same here as everywhere, I'd imagine. Because this is a loneliness thing, not a kinky sex or power play thing. At a time of year when we celebrate family, community and connections it is damned lonely to be by yourself. And sometimes, that intolerable loneliness can drive you to do something stupid, like denial of the reality.

Just part of being human animals. We're meant to be part of a community, not isolated cogs.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Better or Worse? - 12/19/2008 3:23:51 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Of course, loneliness at this time of the year can cause some forms of temporary insanity and a desperation to belong.. to family or that one special person. Even bears are not immune to this need. After my ex-wife illegally started playing hard to contact and ensured I couldn’t see my son for Christmas, and afore I had met Neets, the loneliness was terrible, I just didn’t want to go through that time watching others so happy and yet feeling excluded. My answer was to take on the hated Christmas security duties and voluntarily do the Lock ins from Christmas eve to post Boxing Day (three or four days mostly)  being locked in to an establishment where large sums of money and valuables were held over the Christmas break with only my Mossberg 12 gauge 5 shot pump action shotgun, my Ruger .357 revolver loaded with hollow point and my H&K 9mm semi auto hand gun  loaded with glasser rounds, as well as sufficient food and coffee to see me through. Lonely job, aye but one I enjoyed and created a barrier between me and the Christmas revelers.   Just my way of dealing.. Keeping busy

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Better or Worse? - 12/19/2008 3:47:09 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Ditto on the neither.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Better or Worse? - 12/20/2008 8:24:30 AM   
everhope


Posts: 2179
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

I am with the above.  It’s all the same. 

This year for the holidays I will not have a live in partner in my house.  This is the second time in my life I recall this happening.  Both within the past 8 years.  I have love in my life and do not expect to spend the holidays in solitude but, I am not putting up a tree or all the other trimmings that normally accompany the holiday season shared with family. 


the living genitilia contained in bamboo bound in red and green ribbions and  the two cute lil jars of candy, i hope bring a small reminder of the holidays, Sir. you could always put on your antlers, if it all gets too much..lol  

_____________________________

may we all find our bliss

Resident VWB

We all die.
The goal isn't to live forever.
The goal is to create something that will.






(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Better or Worse? - 12/20/2008 8:46:15 AM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline 		I will never understand the logic that says that any relationship that ends is a failed relationship. This "pass/fail" scorecard that most people seem to use is just plain bizarre.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Better or Worse? - 12/20/2008 8:54:15 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		Because this lifestyle might be considered to some to be more enlightening or even intimate, I can see it being worse if a breakup occurs.  You put a lot more *out* there to another in the artful practice of bdsm (from fantasies to physical aches).

It is all in the eye of the beholder when they choose perhaps to make hasty decisions over and over out of petty lonliness or the sheer fear of being alone. To find oneself in that position twice, then thrice, one should take a deep hard look at taking a lifeskills course instead of trolling for their next s or D.

(in reply to Evility)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Better or Worse? - 12/20/2008 9:00:18 AM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility

I will never understand the logic that says that any relationship that ends is a failed relationship. This "pass/fail" scorecard that most people seem to use is just plain bizarre.
You know, I was thinking the exact same thing recently.

I read in someone's journal about "another failed relationship" and didn't quite get it.

And that's because, it seems to me: if you are together and happy, then it's a success..
And if you seperate, then most likely you have run your course together and are ready to pursue new paths....therefore, also a success (though perhaps not without the pain that can attend seperation).

To regard the relationship as "failed" seems somewhat ingracious.



< Message edited by Jeptha -- 12/20/2008 9:05:40 AM >

(in reply to Evility)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Better or Worse? - 12/20/2008 11:01:18 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		I use the score card of three previous marriages as living proof of what I endured and that I sucessfully came our mostly unscathed (with singed fur) and as proof of my sometimes absolute stupidity.. Failed marriages??? No one claim a failed Marriage and take the blaim. It takes two to tango. It takes two to make a marriage a roaring success and it takes two to make a ruined marriage and general cluster-fuck for all conserned. Ergo, for all of you who are moaning and groaning, wailing and gnashing teeth a d crying that you ruined your marriage/relationship ~~~ Bloody well wake up to yourself and understand you were only one half of the fuck-up and stop taking your ex's share of the mess...   Bloody hell, how selfish are you tp steal someone elses blaim to add to your share?

< Message edited by IronBear -- 12/20/2008 11:05:28 AM >

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Jeptha)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Better or Worse? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109