quote:

ORIGINAL: FourQ

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and Housing associations throughout the UK:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
  OOUUCHIIEE!!!  I don't blame him wanting that fixed!!!
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
Sounds kinky and not as agile as he thought he was.
3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
I don't think I would want to deal with that family directly either, let the autorities do it.
4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I th,ink it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.
Yeah..., I hear that boiled cabbage can do that to some folks.
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
It couldn't file it's own complaint?
6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?
And you think the garden path caused this how??
7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
Okay, but keep the shades drawn.  You didn't do well in math did you?
8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
What's wrong with the sink?
9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
  Not gonna touch this one.
10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
  Another credit to the UK school system.
11. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
First, STOP LOOKING, second, unsightly and dangerous in what way?
12. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
About the floor or getting your wife preggers?
13. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
Hmmm... a ball gag maybe?
14. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
Please discribe the tool currently being used and in what way she seems to not be being satisfied.
15. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.
Maybe we can arrange for the supervisor to be sent.
16. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.
Sooo, you need scissors and some treatment creme?
17. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.
Maybe we can send a photographer and see about getting him a job in the porn industry.  In another place.
Do these people ever read their letters before sending them?