Has this happened to you?

Has this happened to you? (Full Version)

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serisa -> Has this happened to you? (12/20/2008 3:59:35 PM)
Have You ever been with a lifestyle type Master/Dominant who has basically turned into a kinky/BDSM vanilla ?. Why after a couple of years do you think this would happen and why a Man would stop wanting to be in control of your life, and just and only seem to want the BDSM side of things?. when before it was a different story?. How can i get it back?, is it a sign that He isnt interested in any sort of commitment? Thank Y/you

califsue -> RE: Has this happened to you? (12/20/2008 4:10:58 PM)
I haven't been in this position before but I don't have much real time experience and the experience I do have turns out he is now a recovering addict and certainly is not able to do any type of relationship yet alone a BDSM lifestyle at this time. Some of my questions regarding your post would include the following: Do you live together? Have you asked him? Does he health or financial worries at this time? Has the change been gradual or all at once? Could he be using drugs or alcohol and hiding this from you? If you are a committed couple would he be willing to go for counseling?

serisa -> RE: Has this happened to you? (12/20/2008 4:22:35 PM)
Hi and thank you. No, we are not living together and He is much older than i am. We have a baby who was not planned. His health has been very on/off during past year so this could have been a factor but He did talk of Collaring/ wedding before which now He pretends this was something He not suggest, but all the same appears to still want a relationship with me and will not answer my questions as to why He appears to have changed His mind

califsue -> RE: Has this happened to you? (12/20/2008 4:32:18 PM)
The baby could have been the thing that changed it for him and his health issues. If you have asked him and he won't speak up that is hard. In looking back at my relationship, clearly some of the things that were absent in our relationship and his control had to do with his drinking. Only you can decide if this relationship is worth continuing or not. Feel free to cmail me on the other side if you like. You have to decide what you are willing to do without and then decide even if you have feelings for him and a baby together if you can live with what he can and is willing to offer you at this time. That is not an easy decision to make.

chamberqueen -> RE: Has this happened to you? (12/20/2008 5:07:00 PM)
It is hard work to be in control all of the time. He could just be wanting a break from that as he is going through a difficult time. It would be easier to make guesses if you also noted a difference in the amount of time that he wants to spend with you or if communication seems to be breaking down. It could very well be that he wants a playmate more than a full time relationship. Even that can be a big commitment for some men. Only you can judge if he is giving you enough to make the relationship worth it.

Usako -> RE: Has this happened to you? (12/20/2008 5:09:33 PM)
How much older than you is? How far apart do you two live? How often do you normally see each other? Sounds like some MAJOR things happened, of course things are bound to change. I mean, an unplanned kid is a huge deal, plus health and whatever else. You have to push to talk about things, express feelings, etc. In a positive, productive manner; ie not arguing. Tell him how you feel, what you want, what you need and what you're willing to do or even what compromises you're willing to make so that things work in the best way for both parties. And he needs to do the same. And if the two of you can't meet a happy ending then move on to find someone better suited for you.

came4U -> RE: Has this happened to you? (12/20/2008 5:31:40 PM)
quote: Have You ever been with a lifestyle type Master/Dominant who has basically turned into a kinky/BDSM vanilla ?. Why after a couple of years do you think this would happen and why a Man would stop wanting to be in control of your life, and just and only seem to want the BDSM side of things?. when before it was a different story?. How can i get it back?, is it a sign that He isnt interested in any sort of commitment? Does he have stresses outside the home? Has it become too much of a chore and more stress to be Dominant in the livingroom-life? Is it Dom-drop? Did he manage or micromanage you before and assumes by now you can handle what he taught you? Did he use a bdsm lifestyle site to lure you in to be a gf/wife, and now he realized how much work it has become to keep up with it? Ask him all these questions...and more.

DesFIP -> RE: Has this happened to you? (12/20/2008 7:41:14 PM)
Have his rules changed or does he not feel the need to train you in things he doesn't care about? Because I'm betting that he really only has about a dozen firm rules and that since you now do them habitually he doesn't feel any need to invent new ones just for fun. Write down the rules you were first given and see how many of them you still do. These are the things he cares about. As a dominant, he's getting his needs met. As a submissive, you aren't. So now you need to communicate to him what you need and allow him to find a way to fulfill your needs without him becoming your service top. Around here, that means more playtime. The beginning of the relationship, the training period is hot. Once it's over, and it will end unless you keep finding someone new, you then need to find otherways to fulfill that. Talk to him.

daddysliloneds -> RE: Has this happened to you? (12/20/2008 10:36:58 PM)
save for the having a baby together, i'm experiencing the same exact thing with a dominant man that i've been seeing for two years now... i haven't got a clue as to why the change or how to get things back to the way they used to be. i'm writing it off to male menopause and him losing interest in me combined. i sure don't know what else to do, and am too upset with the way things have been going to even want to try to fix it anymore.

oceanwynds -> RE: Has this happened to you? (12/21/2008 6:57:55 AM)
I think for some the 'getting back to how it was' is the craving for the newness and all the excitement that was there. Actually this is a typical question that many of my clients will ask me. They seem to crave the rose color dream, which is what beginnings usually are. Many things are spoken at that time, perhaps promises as well, which usually stem from that newness period. Reality hasn't usually sunk in for at least 6 months, and then slowly the dreams of the past begin to fade away. This then is the period of finding what works in the relationship be it Ds/Ms or vanilla. As a submissive, i know there will be times that Sir will need to back of from the D/s relationship. Fortunately, i was told this would happen and to not pester him. A slave once told me they have to have 'me' time and just enjoy being them. Sometimes life creeps in with matters of work, health and family obligations, and the dynamic of the relationship will change as well. In those periods when Sir is not actively controling the areas of my life that he normally does, i continue to do as i been taught. If i run into a snag, i can email or call him about it, but i have to make sure it isn't my effort to bring him back to how i want things. This has been a hard lesson to learn, but can be learn. Things can never get back to as it was, but they can grow into a new level of relationship. The point is though is to stay in the here and now and not focus on what was. There have been times that Sir had to let me have 'me' time too, and missed that i wasn't at his beck and call. Life interfers at times, and we can adapt to this or not. blessings oceanwynds

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