RE: How busy can a Master be?? (Full Version)

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FlamingRedhead -> RE: How busy can a Master be?? (12/22/2008 8:09:23 AM)

How busy can one be?  Well, the man I'm seeing is extremely busy this time of year.  Since Thanksgiving, he's had to spend 3 weeks with his mother at his house, a weekend with his brother hunting deer, give final exams, grade 90 papers, get the grades turned in, do an end-of-year report, write a chapter for a book, do some work in the laboratory, find out what was wrong with his truck, buy a new truck, go Christmas shopping for his daughter, etc.  At the end of January, he'll be out of the country doing research/consulting for about 2 weeks.  He rarely works an 8-hour day when things aren't this crazy!
 
In spite of all that, he manages to squeeze in an email to me every couple of days.  I've spent a total of 2 nights with him this month!  It's not as much as I'd like, but...he does what he can.  Maybe you haven't reached the point in your relationship where he feels obligated to give you details about what's going on.  You can either be patient with him and give him the benefit of the doubt, or you can choose to feel angry and hurt and walk away.



NuevaVida -> RE: How busy can a Master be?? (12/22/2008 8:26:17 AM)

I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.  I agree with what some have said here - it takes but a moment or two to send an email, text, a quick call to let someone know you're thinking of them.  That said, if he doesn't, I don't want to hound him to contact me.  I don't want to be an obligation or receive "pity attention."  If he's into me, he'll make an effort to contact me.  If he's not, he won't, busyness aside.

The man I'm seeing now had a hell of a month.  His mother fell and injured herself, and a week later, died.  He flew across the country to be with her and his sister, and to make funeral arrangements, etc.  From there he squeezed in a weekend to fly here and hang out with me, then flew somewhere else to attend a week-long retreat he had committed to, and now he's with his son for a few days before flying home.  In all this chaos he has contacted me daily, to ask how I'm doing and to share what's going on with him.  And this is a relationship in which there really isn't much in the way of commitment or obligation to do anything.

The point I'm making here is life is so damn short and to spend it starving for someone who isn't feeding you what you need is, in my opinion, a shame.  Coming from a position of constantly craving a master's attention to now feeling constantly and happily surprised at the attention I receive, I can assure you it is far more fulfilling knowing you are wanted, cared about and thought of.   You are obviously in pain and kept in the dark re: his world.  From your OP he doesn't seem to be tending to it.  Is this what you want for yourself?  If he isn't making changes that ensure your sense of peace then it is up to you.  You do have a choice in this.



Feliciasub -> RE: How busy can a Master be?? (12/22/2008 8:32:44 AM)

quote:



Original: sweetN'sassyPGH

In trying to keep busy and learn more about D/s relationships, I joined alot of Yahoo groups... Thats when I found post after post from him, in several groups... He was flirting, and clearly seeking to connect with other women... When I confronted him, he denied what my own eyes had seen... He said he was just posting to relax and make friends...



I so hear you on that. i have learned via FACEBOOK that my ex fiancé was having an affair with some little 18 years old girl. when i confronted him, he also denied....

Anyway, for the main topic:  with all the technologies available these days , i cant believe its hard to just drop a line to tell you whats up from time to time.



Mercnbeth -> RE: How busy can a Master be?? (12/22/2008 8:56:59 AM)

this slave doesn't have a lot of experience with "normal", so, sorry, can't help you there.
 
however, it is this slave's understanding from her interactions with others that someone who chooses to be "a" submissive in a D/s relationship submits, under certain conditions.  if those conditions aren't met, they don't submit anymore.
 
it's a quid pro quo thing.
 
what were the conditions to your submission when you entered into this relationship?



lilgirl2008 -> RE: How busy can a Master be?? (12/22/2008 9:02:46 AM)

Even kinky women should read the book "he is just not that into you". He is sending you clear signs that he isn't that into you. If a man, whether it is a Dom or not, is truly into you he would make an effort. Even if it was a little note to let you know he is thinking about you. There is no reason for him not to see you over Christmas unless he has another family he isn't telling you about.

When people start getting involved it is all wonderful, then after a few months, they might loose interest. It happens. You have to think if this is the kind of relationship you want to be in. You can only control how you feel. If the answer is no, then I would advise getting out as soon as possible.

Look at his actions, not at his words. There is no man that busy. I have had dominants that were CEO's of big companies, and they somehow managed to find the time for me. He will keep you around as long as you continue to allow yourself to be treated in this manner.

Slave or not, you still have the right to be happy.



lockmeupplease -> RE: How busy can a Master be?? (12/22/2008 9:04:18 AM)

I've NEVER had a relationship---BDSM or Vanilla---where someone stopped contact with me but still really cared and resumed the prior intensity at a later date.

As others here have written, no matter how busy someone is there is ALWAYS time for a quick phone call or e-mail.  I know it sucks, but I would move on and find someone who deserves the love you have to give.



DiurnalVampire -> RE: How busy can a Master be?? (12/22/2008 9:17:36 AM)

~FR~
You have only been together since August, and he started getting busy in November. You dont mention if your relationship is romantic or simply D/s, but I am going to make a stab at it is romantic from at least your point of view. Maybe he is not in a place where he wants you to be part of his holiday celebration yet. Just ebcasue you are dating doesnt mean you are automatically included in their holiday tradition. Fox and I were supposed to be apart last christmas, and are going to be apart this one as well.
You are a new part of his life, and you are griping about someone being busy during the holidays. I wonder if, from his point of view, your griping might be a space problem and could cause friction as well. Some people have their traditions and do not bring anyone into them. He does not have to be integral for your holiday to be good, thats your doing not his.
I am not saying he is the bad guy, and I am not saying you are the bad guy. I *AM* saying that a new relationship at this time of year is going to be hitting bumps. Maybe he isnt ready to let family know you exist yet. Maybe his isnt comfortable with you seeing what his family is like and he is keeping them from you and not vice versa... an embarassing family can be mortifying to someone in a new relationship. It might be them he doesnt trust, not you. Maybe work is eatting up all his free time, I know it is mine. I see and speak with Fox minimally over the holidays when I am not at home.
If I were you, vanilla or D/s, Id give him until after the new year and see how it goes. Wait until the pressures of the holidays are gone and then see how you two mesh. Holidays are hard on established relationship, they are hell on newer ones.

DV



porcelain26 -> RE: How busy can a Master be?? (12/22/2008 9:21:04 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ariella10

i come here frequently to get advice and see what others think of certain situations.  Right now i am so confused and hurt. Could be sub-drop, as i am new to this i dont know.  So, if any could give me good advice, please go ahead.  My 'problem' started about beginning of November.  Master says he's busy, alot.  We used to communicate alot, now it is infrequent and he always has an excuse.  We have played once in 2 mths and wont see each other over Xmas.  No presents, not even a card.  We have been seeing each other since August.  He says he will have time in the new year and will see me early in it. Frankly, if this was a vanilla relationship i'd tell him to hit the road.  But, this is my first of this type, and i want to know if this is common or not.  Asked him if he is seeing another, and he says no, just busy.  How busy can one be??  i feel abandoned and ignored.  i do everything i can in my power to make him happy and i am feeling like the only good thing im good for is to please him and then be put in the closet and taken out and played with when convenient.  Sorry for this lovely little rant, but i am at the end of my rope here (no pun intended).  i thought i would have had a nice Xmas this year, but it seems i'm not good enough to be in his presence.  i'm so depressed it makes me sick to think i've been used and am disgusted at myself bc of my weakness. i know every relationship is different, but is this normal?  i feel its not, and am ready to walk.  Any advice for this very hurt/depressed sub would be appreciated greatly. 


Oh honey, do I ever feel your pain. But let me ask you this: Do you trust him? Meaning simply do you trust him to tell you the truth? Or maybe better...did you trust him to do so before you started feeling angry and resentful? And I don't mean that in any accusatory way, either.

I don't get to talk to my Owner anywhere near as much as I'd like. He's also extremely busy 98% of the time. There are plenty of times when I start feeling angry and resentful towards Him for not spending as much time with me as I think He needs to. But then I go back, just like I suggested you do, and ask myself those kinds of questions. Do I trust Him...or did I before I started feeling angry and resentful...the answer is always yes. Do I know He cares about me, even if I'm not talking with Him? Yes. Etc, etc, etc. But keep in mind, I've been with my Owner for 10 years. And this has been an ongoing issue for that entire time. Sometimes I think I'm an idiot for staying...but I can't imagine being without Him. And regardless....I know He adores me ;-)

Considering how new your relationship is, I understand how upsetting this must be. From your message, it sounds like you've told him you're not happy with the situation, but I would suggest telling him again and giving him specifics. Tell him that you feel used and abandoned. Tell him that you're scared and confused. Tell him that you feel like you've done something wrong. And most of all, tell him that you want to make him happy and be pleasing to him, but when you're in such emotional chaos, it's very difficult for you to focus. You need some direction...time frames, specifics, etc. If he tells you he's busy "for a while", ask how long a while is. There's nothing wrong with telling your dominant what you need in order to be happy....and if you get the feeling from him that he doesn't care, or he starts chewing your ass for telling him....WALK....no. Don't walk. RUN. If he cares about you, he'll understand and want to help you...if he's using you, he'll either tell you he's done with you, or he'll try to guilt trip you into feeling bad for telling him what you need. You don't need the stress of being with someone who doesn't care about you....believe me. You deserve much better than that.



sweetNsassyPGH -> RE: How busy can a Master be?? (12/22/2008 9:21:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilgirl2008

Even kinky women should read the book "he is just not that into you". He is sending you clear signs that he isn't that into you. If a man, whether it is a Dom or not, is truly into you he would make an effort. Even if it was a little note to let you know he is thinking about you. There is no reason for him not to see you over Christmas unless he has another family he isn't telling you about.



I was given that book by two different friends... LOL.. And while I was often nauseated while reading it, it DID open my eyes... and help me put things into better perspective... It is a great book for every woman to read, whether kinky or vanilla...  Thats the actual title, "He's Just Not That Into You", by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. 



lusciouslips19 -> RE: How busy can a Master be?? (12/22/2008 9:26:18 AM)

This is a saying that has been quoted many times but it bares repeating again and again.

Don't make someone a priority who considers you an option.



lilgirl2008 -> RE: How busy can a Master be?? (12/22/2008 9:29:23 AM)

Luciouslips...how are ya? Oh my I am so with you on this one.  I love that quote. So perfect.



lusciouslips19 -> RE: How busy can a Master be?? (12/22/2008 12:13:39 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelain26

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ariella10

i come here frequently to get advice and see what others think of certain situations.  Right now i am so confused and hurt. Could be sub-drop, as i am new to this i dont know.  So, if any could give me good advice, please go ahead.  My 'problem' started about beginning of November.  Master says he's busy, alot.  We used to communicate alot, now it is infrequent and he always has an excuse.  We have played once in 2 mths and wont see each other over Xmas.  No presents, not even a card.  We have been seeing each other since August.  He says he will have time in the new year and will see me early in it. Frankly, if this was a vanilla relationship i'd tell him to hit the road.  But, this is my first of this type, and i want to know if this is common or not.  Asked him if he is seeing another, and he says no, just busy.  How busy can one be??  i feel abandoned and ignored.  i do everything i can in my power to make him happy and i am feeling like the only good thing im good for is to please him and then be put in the closet and taken out and played with when convenient.  Sorry for this lovely little rant, but i am at the end of my rope here (no pun intended).  i thought i would have had a nice Xmas this year, but it seems i'm not good enough to be in his presence.  i'm so depressed it makes me sick to think i've been used and am disgusted at myself bc of my weakness. i know every relationship is different, but is this normal?  i feel its not, and am ready to walk.  Any advice for this very hurt/depressed sub would be appreciated greatly. 


Oh honey, do I ever feel your pain. But let me ask you this: Do you trust him? Meaning simply do you trust him to tell you the truth? Or maybe better...did you trust him to do so before you started feeling angry and resentful? And I don't mean that in any accusatory way, either.

I don't get to talk to my Owner anywhere near as much as I'd like. He's also extremely busy 98% of the time. There are plenty of times when I start feeling angry and resentful towards Him for not spending as much time with me as I think He needs to. But then I go back, just like I suggested you do, and ask myself those kinds of questions. Do I trust Him...or did I before I started feeling angry and resentful...the answer is always yes. Do I know He cares about me, even if I'm not talking with Him? Yes. Etc, etc, etc. But keep in mind, I've been with my Owner for 10 years. And this has been an ongoing issue for that entire time. Sometimes I think I'm an idiot for staying...but I can't imagine being without Him. And regardless....I know He adores me ;-)

Considering how new your relationship is, I understand how upsetting this must be. From your message, it sounds like you've told him you're not happy with the situation, but I would suggest telling him again and giving him specifics. Tell him that you feel used and abandoned. Tell him that you're scared and confused. Tell him that you feel like you've done something wrong. And most of all, tell him that you want to make him happy and be pleasing to him, but when you're in such emotional chaos, it's very difficult for you to focus. You need some direction...time frames, specifics, etc. If he tells you he's busy "for a while", ask how long a while is. There's nothing wrong with telling your dominant what you need in order to be happy....and if you get the feeling from him that he doesn't care, or he starts chewing your ass for telling him....WALK....no. Don't walk. RUN. If he cares about you, he'll understand and want to help you...if he's using you, he'll either tell you he's done with you, or he'll try to guilt trip you into feeling bad for telling him what you need. You don't need the stress of being with someone who doesn't care about you....believe me. You deserve much better than that.


Doesn't sound to me like you are adored. Sounds to me like he is busy with his wife and kids and you are his dog waiting for scraps.



KatyLied -> RE: How busy can a Master be?? (12/22/2008 12:44:54 PM)

Don't make this difficult:  If he is interested in you and wants you in his life, he will remain in contact with you.  If he can't/won't, it's your place to teach him how to respect you.  If he can't/won't.  Here's the word for you:  Next!



Feliciasub -> RE: How busy can a Master be?? (12/22/2008 12:45:27 PM)

quote:



Original: luciouslips19

Don't make someone a priority who considers you an option.



Amen!! [;)]



BRNaughtyAngel -> RE: How busy can a Master be?? (12/22/2008 1:46:04 PM)

Honestly, like others, I have been there, done that.  My former "owner's" response was always "soon" when I would ask when we'd see each other, etc....  and we only lived two hours apart.  He's no longer my owner. 

But when it comes to the old excuse that someone is "busy", my response is that if you are soooooo busy that you can't make an effort to keep in contact with someone you are in some sort of relationship with, or make time to be with them, then don't pursue a relationship!  I just don't think it's fair to the other person to be left sitting, waiting, wondering, hoping.




NefertariReborn -> RE: How busy can a Master be?? (12/22/2008 9:18:57 PM)

Strangely enough I just wrote about this in My journal a day or so ago.  At this time of the year I am SUPER EXTEMELY FANTASTICALLY busy.  There's just no way around it.  Nature of what I do and some cultural obligations.  I leave very early in the morning and get back after  12:30 am each night.  I'm back up at 5:30 am to do it all over again.  It's not that a sub isn't important, it's just that in the list of important things AT THIS TIME, especially for someone who isn't collared or living in, anything that isn't right there gets moved down on the list until this period of time passes.  That's just a reality.  There have been subs I thought were good potential matches and one that now I'm taking notice of but I'm doing the Multiplicity thing and if mail gets exchanged during the next week, I'll be surprised.  I did leave an email just to let him know that I'm not dead in the water but there have been subs who walked away because they felt "neglected."  I think everyone lost out.  You have to decide just how valuable you think the relationship is.  If it's not that important to you walk away.  If it is, exhale, find something else to do, stop focusing solely on him, do some you, and when the new year comes if it still stays the same you can make your decision then. 

<edited to add>And no I don't have a wife.  UM's and a dog yes but the dog barely recognizes Me anymore. I made time to watch the stars with him last night.  Now he's happy. Everyone's a critic. 



bound4more -> RE: How busy can a Master be?? (12/22/2008 9:38:06 PM)

I'm a believer in people do what they want to do and don't do what they don't want to do. When I remember that, it doesn't matter what they say.

If this man was interested in you not losing interest in him, he'd find a way to make sure you knew that. Perhaps talking with him about what you are each wanting and expecting. It sounds like you may each be seeking different things.



sambamanslilgirl -> RE: How busy can a Master be?? (12/23/2008 7:33:06 AM)

fast reply

speaking from experience, i know what it's like having a busy partner in my life.

my pet travels a lot on business literally living out of his suitcase ...if he's not in Denver, then he's in Houston or Dallas or he's off flying to San Diego or Seattle and back to Denver. yes it sucks that he can't come home more often than i would like. yes, it's horrible how his boss overworks him to death - sometimes he's pulling 15 to 16hrs a day. however in todays's economy, he's lucky to still have the position and a steady paycheck ...while staying under his boss' "i'm going to fire someone today" radar.

some days i'm lucky to get a phone call or email from him (between visiting job sites and flights) ...other days there's nothing ...then there are days when he surprises me for a few hours of alone time before jetting back quickly for an afternoon meeting. hopefully on New Year's Eve, we're together (wherever he's at for the holidays with his boss) to be honest, it doesn't bother me. and before anyone screams "he's married ...he's cheating" - no, he's not married or cheating on me ...and vice versa - i'm not cheating on him. in our relationship, there is no room for doubt because we trust each other. will his busy schedule change once we get married? probably or not but that's the choice i made upon accepting his proposal.

i could echo everyone's else sentiments about what you're going through however i won't. whatever the advice given, the final decision lays with you.

i wish you luck.



VampiresLair -> RE: How busy can a Master be?? (12/23/2008 9:52:15 AM)

What you need to realize is that he did tell her he was going to be busy. He isnt brushing her off every time she tries to reach him and saying he is... she was forewarned. Which tells me, he wants her to understand that it isnt personal and it isnt anything against her that he might be out of touch for a while. If he just disappeared and started using that excuse I could see all the drop him, find a new one advise as being given. But honestly, he was thinking of her enough to let her know he might have to be distant. He warned her so she wouldnt take it personally, and he even told her when she can expect it to go back to normal. I think he was holding up his end quite nicely, better than some of us do when we are surprised by being busy. Id be thankful someone had the forethought to tell me they were going to have to be distant, rather than ranting about how terrible they are being to me for putting someone else ahead of me, especially when I was not a full time part of their life yet.

DV



greeneyedreamer -> RE: How busy can a Master be?? (12/23/2008 2:58:50 PM)

My Master is putting in 18 hour days... sometimes more... he is managing a few messages throughout the day and SOME email... the longest he hasn't been in contact was 3 days then had an emergency going on... So I would say... PISHAW! I have been there with others and waited and you know what...? Nothing happened but he disappeared... life happens yes, but you know if you aren't worth 5 min, there's a problem!

Thank god for my Angel!!!! [sm=cute.gif]
Dreamer



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