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Healthy progression with new rela? - 12/21/2008 7:50:54 PM   
sweetNsassyPGH


Posts: 12
Joined: 11/2/2008
Status: offline 		I know that everyone's relationships progress at an individual rate... What I am asking for is more of a general guide... or some suggestions... on how to proceed with someone new... I had met my last two Doms at spanking parties... and then had long distance D/s relationships with meetings every few weeks...So due to meeting at parties... and then being long distance... those relationships progressed at odd speeds...

I have been chatting with/talking over the phone with a local Dom for about a month now... I have a tendency to move too quickly with relationships... So we want to go slow...

My question is... What IS going slow...???.. LOL.. I dont have much experience even with vanilla dating... I dont have much experience with relationships... I would like to do this one differently... and not screw it up from the beginning...

Any feedback on how others begin a relationship, that is going to be D/s in nature...???.. Do you do some vanilla dating first... or do you play soon...???.. How long is advisable to wait before submitting...???.. 

It may sound silly, but Im at a loss about proceeding with a Dom who is local... LOL.. Im so used to long distance relationships that take on a life of their own usually pretty early on... Talking with a Dom who is so close is unnerving to be honest...

So any advice... any suggestions... any ideas... would be greatly appreciated... I think this could be really good... but I dont want to screw it up even before it really begins... How do others proceed with local potential partners...???..  
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RE: Healthy progression with new rela? - 12/21/2008 8:00:29 PM   
califsue


Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline 		I don't think there is a one answer fits all for this question. I think each experience is different and as individuals it is different for all of us. Some prefer to meet real time in quick fashion to find out if the online/phone connection is there in person. Some people prefer getting to know one another via 'vanilla' by finding common interests outside of BDSM/kink.
Others prefer meeting and playing. I think you have to pay attention to what you feel and your wants. Some people think a month online/phone is too slow. There is someone who lives about 60 miles from me and we have yet to meet. I am more than ready but our schedules just aren't in sync. There are a two local Doms who want to meet but because of the holidays and such I have told them I couldn't meet until after the first of the year. The difference is the first one we chatted in the beginning of the year and I turned him down for someone else which due to his addiction and recovery we are now just friends. The local folks I have only recently exchanged messages with and because the connection with the first one is so strong I would rather meet him before the others.
 
I am sure other folks will drop by and provide other viewpoints.

< Message edited by califsue -- 12/21/2008 8:02:59 PM >

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RE: Healthy progression with new rela? - 12/21/2008 8:09:56 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		Hello sweetnsassy
Personally i am a slow poke in getting involved, so my advice might not be suited for you on that. One advice i can share though is don't try to write the last chapter of the book between the two of you. Relationships go through ups and downs and many changes. I found helpful for me to stay in the present time, and not be obsessed with the future. Get to know each other, which doesnt usually happen overnight. Keep involved in your own life and interests. Make sure your needs are answered, but there is a difference between what is needed verses what you want.

oceanwynds

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RE: Healthy progression with new rela? - 12/21/2008 9:05:26 PM   
utopicus


Posts: 97
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline 		There is no definite answer as to what is "slow development" in a relationship. If there's a spark between the two of you, then you have a "love at first sight" (does this think still exist nowadays?) and the least you need is wasting your time - so you'll move on like a rocket. Which is not to say that if there's no spark, you'll drag it on for years
Maybe your Domme needs to know you better - so my advice is to take it easy. Let her guide you, let her set the rhythm.

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RE: Healthy progression with new rela? - 12/21/2008 10:30:36 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		I can only share with you my current experience, as my last experience started at what now seems like light speed.  The man I'm seeing now introduced himself to me online about....hmm, almost 5 months ago.  I had no desire at all to engage with anyone, but we immediately recognized some shared interests and a shared sense of humor.  Having just come out of an intense, long term relationship, I was in no way ready to jump into anything else. 

He's long distance to me but we've already gotten together several times and talk daily.  We talk about everything under the sun, laugh a lot, and well, the last place we went together was grocery shopping - how's that for "vanilla?!"

Mostly what has been most helpful to me was letting go of the need to define "what this is", and letting go of the need to try to understand and know where this is going.  The day I decided to live in the present and just enjoy today with him, was the day my stresses and anxieties were shed and I really began enjoying myself.  So nearly five months into this, we still don't have any official commitment (how's that for slow?!) but it's obvious we are both really enjoying this.  The relationship and the D/s dynamic in it are unfolding in their own time and as they should.  I've never begun a relationship like this before, and I have to say this feels very natural and very comfortable.  It was hard to stop worrying about what will happen in our future, but doing so really frees up my energy to enjoy getting to know him today.  Not sure if that helps your situation, but it's a new concept of "slowness" for me so I wanted to share it.  :)




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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



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RE: Healthy progression with new rela? - 12/22/2008 1:03:04 AM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		Chatting and Talking for a month is a good thing. It looks like you're ready for the next step. I suggest meeting in public. A place to eat, a park, church, or some other place of interest where you'll get a chance to talk face to face. It'll be time to build that extra trust before you start thinking "My place or yours?"

Slow is smooth and smooth is fast. You can only do what you're ready for and it's important that both of you continue to express that. If you continue to like first base, you can still do some kinky stuff together without going all the way home.

Just go ahead and meet to get that part out of the way. You'll know where you want to go and how fast after that.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

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RE: Healthy progression with new rela? - 12/22/2008 1:14:47 AM   
bluefireeyez


Posts: 119
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: offline 		From your profile, it sounds like you are not a "lifestyler" (i dislike that word! lol). You say yourself that you are into 'Nilla dating, so perhaps that is what you should do. A month on the phone seems like plenty of time to move to the meet and greet.

Personally, I like to talk to them enough to get the idea that they are as normal as one can be. From there, depending on time and location I will meet them. Some times it has been two weeks, some times it has been 4 months. It all just depends on your preference. Many people will advise meeting in a public setting first, this usually insures your safety as well as the possibility of keeping Nilla on the first meet.

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RE: Healthy progression with new real? - 12/22/2008 8:03:16 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

Do you do some vanilla dating first...


personally, this slave had no interest in a "vanilla"(conventional) date/relationship, ever again...after 20 years of it...when she started fishing in the pond of folks who proclaim an interest in D/s or M/s relationships, as opposed to the ones who go with the conventional method, with or without the proclamation.
 
some folks like a bit of D/s or M/s thrown on top of a conventional foundation, and there is nothing wrong with that...but it isn't something this slave was interested in. she was willing to submit to a little bit of it, in the beginning, if that is what the Dom in question desired.
 
thankfully, this slave encountered someone incredibly captivating, interesting, hot, confident, dominant, ready to have fun and receptive to this slave's submission, so she didn't have to play vanilla "footsie" with Him for a pre-determined time in the beginning...or even on our first date.
quote:

How long is advisable to wait before submitting...???.. 


as for a time-line guideline, it's all about your very own personal comfort level---no one can tell you what that is...but you.

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