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what to do when a wall has been formed? - 12/22/2008 2:34:58 PM

sexisubi

Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
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There has never been a time that either of us have lied to eachother cheated on eachother, or anything.

What do you do when all his friends are afraid youre taking him away even though they have never once spoken to you? Most of his friends are girls and care a lot about him, if not want him or want him back. He has created this wall, and i don't know how to break it, i just sit there and follow him around its perimiter, talk to him as much as i can, but it just seems like nothing i say is getting through... what would you do to break it down a little bit, while i wait for time time to bring it down on its own?

We talked but i still dont feel good about it, i just dont know what to do!!!

the broken hearted,

subi

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bound by love,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIvvaqUdDm8

Post #: 1

RE: what to do when a wall has been formed? - 12/22/2008 2:44:20 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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subi, I have no answers. Just condolences and a hope that this will get worked out.

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"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to sexisubi)

Post #: 2

RE: what to do when a wall has been formed? - 12/22/2008 3:03:23 PM

Aszhrae

Posts: 1030
Joined: 3/31/2008
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Being nostalgic about all your good times together, the things that you used to do as couple and enjoyed doing and how you would like to enjoy them again with him.
Another way, is to make your self shine more brightly than anyone else that might want to lure him away. You are better than the others and you need him to believe that you were the better choice.

(in reply to sexisubi)

Post #: 3

RE: what to do when a wall has been formed? - 12/22/2008 3:16:20 PM

sexisubi

Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
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thank you both for you're responses.

i also hope he makes the right choice for himself, even if i am not the choice he makes.

and thank you i also hope it works out.

_____________________________

bound by love,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIvvaqUdDm8

(in reply to sexisubi)

Post #: 4

RE: what to do when a wall has been formed? - 12/22/2008 3:45:08 PM

boytoyinatlanta

Posts: 75
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline

either he wants you or he doesn't...i don't get these people that needs to surround themselves with so many fucking people....oh brother

(in reply to sexisubi)

Post #: 5

RE: what to do when a wall has been formed? - 12/22/2008 3:46:37 PM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
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You will never have control over the thoughts of others. If he is happy with his choice then what they think should mean nothing to you.

Some people naturally put up walls. Sometimes they go up when things are good because of outside pressures. As hard as it is, it is best to be patient and wait for the person to tear them down themselves. Just knowing that you are available to listen when he needs it will mean a great deal to him.

_____________________________

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Post #: 6

RE: what to do when a wall has been formed? - 12/22/2008 3:55:14 PM

Salome

Posts: 10
Joined: 8/26/2004
Status: offline

Hmmm...

Sexisubi,

You have some decisions to make I think. You don't say how long you two have been together so that could affect my answer a bit and I find that I am unsure of exactly what the problem is so I've asked some questions and hopefully I can come up with some input that is useful.

There has never been a time that either of us have lied to eachother cheated on eachother, or anything.
That's great!! How long have you been together?

What do you do when all his friends are afraid youre taking him away even though they have never once spoken to you?
How is it that you know they feel this way?

Most of his friends are girls and care a lot about him, if not want him or want him back.
All girls eh? hmmm... Again...how do you know that this is the way they feel?

He has created this wall, and i don't know how to break it, i just sit there and follow him around its perimiter, talk to him as much as i can, but it just seems like nothing i say is getting through... what would you do to break it down a little bit, while i wait for time time to bring it down on its own?
I don't understand what you mean by created a wall? When did this wall come into being? A wall between what or who and why?

We talked but i still dont feel good about it, i just dont know what to do!!!
Talked about what?

the broken hearted,

subi

_____________________________

"I begrudge that pervert his capacity for happiness." EB Farnum - Deadwood

(in reply to Aszhrae)

Post #: 7

RE: what to do when a wall has been formed? - 12/22/2008 3:55:17 PM

bluefireeyez

Posts: 119
Joined: 12/15/2008
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I will echo what chamberqueen said, wait and let him tear the wall down himself. Usually a wall is put up to protect the person, or the people they care about while they contemplate what is right for them. Trying to make the wall come down, will most likely result in him putting it up higher.

Let him know you are there for him and care about him, then step back and give him the space he needs.

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 8

RE: what to do when a wall has been formed? - 12/22/2008 4:02:34 PM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
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ok, I want you to know I'm on your side, no matter how it comes out--ok?

Now--I so cannot tolerate this behavior in men or women---the fact that you have not been introduced to any existing "others" is shit---its the " be grateful you have me baby cuz there is a line at the door"-----bullshit.

Obviously this is only coming from him, nope sorry, IF he has ex's that feel that way he has to (A) tell them he has moved on suck it up, or (B) he needs to respect you and keep his mouth shut or (C) he needs to move back to whomever wants him back.

If he was so good at these past relationships, how come they are "past", I bet my paycheck its because they got sick of eating this line of crap.

If someone has ex's they don't belong in the bed with you and if they are--YOU need to exit. If they are so close to him that they are still friends-you should be able to meet them.

Pass him a napkin, he still has a little bullshit on his mouth.

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to sexisubi)

Post #: 9

RE: what to do when a wall has been formed? - 12/22/2008 4:16:56 PM

sexisubi

Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Salome

Hmmm...

Sexisubi,

You have some decisions to make I think. You don't say how long you two have been together so that could affect my answer a bit and I find that I am unsure of exactly what the problem is so I've asked some questions and hopefully I can come up with some input that is useful.

That's great!! How long have you been together?

almost two years.

How is it that you know they feel this way?

this is just what he has told me, that this girl told him to come and see her this girl wanted him to do this, this girl is his best friend and just doesnt want me to tear him away or something like that... all these things kinda pushed into my head to feel and think this way.

I don't understand what you mean by created a wall? When did this wall come into being? A wall between what or who and why?

lately he has been very quiet limited orders by a ton, he says to because he wants me to have my time and make sure that everything in my life is ok because im a student and i have a lot going on right now personally. but im on break, i have no work to do, but i have been going through a lot. when all this came to light i needed a friend and it broke a lot of the D/s relationship we had... now that things are coming back to what they are its becoming hard to get it back, and he has expressed concern maybe doubt of bringing it back.

Talked about what?

we have talked about how a lot of this stuff is taking a toll, how hes been distant, and he said i have also been distant a sub friend put it best when she said: the distanse he is creating is making me feel unwanted and uncomfortable... so its making it very hard to communicate...he expressed that today just today i have been noticably frustrated, there has been times where i lash out at him, or sometimes i just sit and stew and am sad, i just dont know what other happy or fun or listening activity i can do, i just sit here lol. im here hes here everyones here! but no ones moving, its stale mate and neither of us want to throw down the pieces.

he said he was also thinking a lot about just his future and his path that he will take in life. it has nothing to do with me... but when we talk he expresses frustration about past events. hard events, fights.. things like that.

_____________________________

bound by love,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIvvaqUdDm8

(in reply to Salome)

Post #: 10

RE: what to do when a wall has been formed? - 12/22/2008 6:39:53 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Why do I feel like I am in a tunnel and what is that light there off in the distance?

(in reply to sexisubi)

Post #: 11

RE: what to do when a wall has been formed? - 12/23/2008 12:10:57 AM

Salome

Posts: 10
Joined: 8/26/2004
Status: offline

Dear girl,

If I may ask one more question ~ does this man read these threads?

_____________________________

"I begrudge that pervert his capacity for happiness." EB Farnum - Deadwood

(in reply to sexisubi)

Post #: 12

RE: what to do when a wall has been formed? - 12/23/2008 6:43:43 AM

starshineowned

Posts: 1551
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline

Greetings..

I know you said almost 2yrs together but how often are you all together during that time span..not just in communication but physically?

Just going on what you've posted here..it sounds as if he's not at that leaping point yet of making a solid commitment to anyone, and is starting to feel some pressures probably from many sources giving him the impression that you all's relationship is starting to appear or be heading on that path, and he's trying to run the other way on the field to avoid a touch down.

starshine

_____________________________

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." --Abraham Lincoln

(in reply to sexisubi)

Post #: 13

RE: what to do when a wall has been formed? - 12/23/2008 1:43:01 PM

sexisubi

Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline

update-- just a quick answer no he does not read these theads all the time, he knows i post on them and yes i told him i was looking for advice, but i do not mind if he reads them or not, he knows exactly how i feel, so my fears are not in what he reads.

however! =D

since, yesterday i have started to kinda just stop worrying. Thanks to Morgan, i started to just sit and have fun, not just the D/s fun that i love so much, just being my goofball self... we fall inlove with a person it's not always the submissive side they love. So we joked and chilled and by the end of the night he was back to being Master. =) =) =)

personally, i am going to keep this up, i will just sit back and hope with all i can... however thank you all for all of your advice and reading this post, and CMails, and being here for when i need the boards the most! This is a hard time for me, i have been in his serves for awhile and i would hate to leave it because i have truly honestly grown sooo much. i don't need him but i want him, so with all that said thank you all for reading and helping i will continue to see how things progress in this upcoming year.

<3

subi.

_____________________________

bound by love,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIvvaqUdDm8

(in reply to starshineowned)

Post #: 14

RE: what to do when a wall has been formed? - 12/23/2008 2:21:03 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

He wants this wall. He wants you to know he has this line of female friends all of whom want to be more than friends. He doesn't want you to be friends with his friends.

He gets off on you being insecure and putting up with intolerable treatment. If you don't get off on this, then go find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Because he isn't it.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

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Post #: 15

RE: what to do when a wall has been formed? - 12/23/2008 2:48:49 PM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

He wants this wall. He wants you to know he has this line of female friends all of whom want to be more than friends. He doesn't want you to be friends with his friends.

He gets off on you being insecure and putting up with intolerable treatment. If you don't get off on this, then go find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Because he isn't it.

QTF

And if you are still with this person to report your relationships progress next year, you are naive and I would be surprised. Meh, but then if drama is your thing - go for it.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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Post #: 16

RE: what to do when a wall has been formed? - 12/23/2008 9:06:16 PM

sexisubi

Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

He wants this wall. He wants you to know he has this line of female friends all of whom want to be more than friends. He doesn't want you to be friends with his friends.

He gets off on you being insecure and putting up with intolerable treatment. If you don't get off on this, then go find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Because he isn't it.

QTF

And if you are still with this person to report your relationships progress next year, you are naive and I would be surprised. Meh, but then if drama is your thing - go for it.

the.dark.

i dont know if i would call this really drama, drama would be me calling people in his phone asking them wtf (keeps it real- that was a joke.) Perhaps it was just a two year lump... i mean 2 years is a long time (longest for me)... or perhaps i have not given one enough facts.

or perhaps he is just honest with me to the point that my insecurities come out... the reason i posted this on the boards is because i had no where else to go for information still keeping the D/s in mind. other then the local scene.. but getting an outside perspective was nice. i could go to my nilla friends, but i wanted to get someones perspective if this life style. when i say i'll keep you posted it means when the wall comes down i'll be so happy to say it that i'll post it... one night doesnt mean its down but it is better... which is GOOD! lol

however thanks for reading, listening, and your time all the same.

ps, i know that i can be nieve, but i also know that i have a leveled head at times, and an education to continuesly look forward to, all good things. if someone uses this to their advantage eventually it will come to light... if this is the situation... WELL sooner or later it will come to light, but i dont think it is. the fact that i trust him enough to think it is not the case means i will keep going until i know it to be fact or the thought dwindles from my mind, which ever comes first. =)

_____________________________

bound by love,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIvvaqUdDm8

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 17

RE: what to do when a wall has been formed? - 12/25/2008 7:26:39 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

This isn't a BDSM problem. It's a relationship problem. Tell your best friend that this guy you're dating won't let you meet any of his friends, that anytime you say anything he disagrees with he informs you that you're lucky he's fucking you at all because he's got a line of girls ready to do him. Tell your mother, a therapist, a favorite aunt. Tell anyone on earth what you've told us and you'll get the same response: this is not how to make someone you claim you care about feel good. This is not how you make them feel loved, secure in the relationship, happy.

And if your best friend told you this, would you say she deserved to be treated so cruelly? Or would you advise her to find someone who loved her the way she deserves to be loved, wholeheartedly?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to sexisubi)

Post #: 18

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