RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice.

RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (Full Version)

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SassySarijane -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/27/2008 1:06:30 PM)
I can only give my opinion based on what's been posted here and my own experiences. So here goes: OP, I'd leave it totally up to her if there were ever contact of any kind between you two again, and just work on fixing you. Do the anger management you mentioned, get some good counselling and take a long, thorough, hard look at yourself and your actual responsibility in what happened. You are young, best time to deal with your issues and better yourself, as if you wait, you just have potentially more issues and bad things added on to deal with later. I'd just totally leave her alone and I'd advise against getting involved in a relationship with anyone again until you've focused and worked on your own issues, less chance of a repeat to this or worse that way. The preceding has been my opinion based on the posts in the thread and my own personal experiences with abusive relationships. The potential is there yes, doesn't mean it will escalate that far and doesn't mean it won't, just simply that the potential is there.

DedicatedDom40 -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/27/2008 1:13:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kiwisub12 The control i was talking about isn't illegal - its more evil than illegal. And i really don't think too many women consent to it. Its the sort of control that i was subjected to - eg. after i got married, my new husband told me that i spent too much time with a gf (non-sexual), that i was married now, and should stay home. You deem it as evil. Other women don't see it that way. Please respect that difference in perspective. So, you were simply another individual not capable of the mindest required, and participating produced a bad experience for you personally, so now, all forms of advice to others must be framed within that bad experience. Sorry, but thats a wrong answer. Personally, I dislike the overuse of the "consentual" term. The advent of feminism and this newly minted need for the female to consent to everything coincides to when the divorce rates started skyrocketing. You consent to be in the marriage when you take those vows, and thats pretty much where the issue of consent on a daily basis should end. Consent on every little detail thereafter is not how traditional marriage was defined, and should not be what power exchange relative to this lifestyle is. When you deem it necessary to consent to everything on an ongoing basis, you are not surrendering control. There is nothing wrong with surrendering control without recourse. Just because you were the wrong type of person to engage in such doesnt make it evil.

kiwisub12 -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/27/2008 2:18:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DedicatedDom40 You deem it as evil. Other women don't see it that way. Please respect that difference in perspective. So, you were simply another individual not capable of the mindest required, and participating produced a bad experience for you personally, so now, all forms of advice to others must be framed within that bad experience. Sorry, but thats a wrong answer. Personally, I dislike the overuse of the "consentual" term. The advent of feminism and this newly minted need for the female to consent to everything coincides to when the divorce rates started skyrocketing. You consent to be in the marriage when you take those vows, and thats pretty much where the issue of consent on a daily basis should end. Consent on every little detail thereafter is not how traditional marriage was defined, and should not be what power exchange relative to this lifestyle is. When you deem it necessary to consent to everything on an ongoing basis, you are not surrendering control. There is nothing wrong with surrendering control without recourse. Just because you were the wrong type of person to engage in such doesnt make it evil. Dear DedicatedDom - where in the marriage vows does it say that the woman is the one that gives up her right to consent to whatever her husband gives out? In the marraige i agreed to, we had equal rights to every decision. Where he changed it unilaterally was where it became abuse. And believe it or not - my Sir does not require my consent to anything to do with me. He may ask my opinion but isn't obliged to act on that opinion. And yes, there are things that he does, and i have to do that i would rather not - but this is what i signed up for. and yes, my opinion is based on past life experiences. Not theory. And that is the only valid advice that i can give. And i think my opinion has validity in this case. This is a young man who has recognised in himself things that need to change. If he listens to the people on this thread that have experienced abuse, hopefully he will really have impetus to change. Looking at how others see your behaviour can be a sobering experience.

shannie -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/27/2008 3:22:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesertRat quote: ORIGINAL: shannie That being said, it IS against the law in many states (and considered domestic violence) to "break things." I've seen people convicted of domestic violence for "breaking things" (including their own property)... One time when I was jailed overnight (the Gorilla Mask Incident), my cellmate was in for kicking the shit out of his own car. Ah yes ..... "the Gorilla Mask incident" .... lol

monywildcat -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/27/2008 4:51:31 PM)
May be a bit late on this one, but DAYUM Greedy, me and Daddy just fell in pink puffy wuv with you...12-pack of buds? Mac and cheese, with the horrible Hormel chili mixed in??? Our idea of heaven!!! nom nom nom To the OP, yeah this is how the ex behaved, only I got about 50 calls per day, on top of all the text messages. Wanting to "talk" our problems out, on his terms, when he wanted to. Only, he never heard what I had been saying loud and clear, and I ended up leaving much in the same way, only I left every stick of furniture behind, left with little more than the clothes on my back. I was that determined that I have had enough, I'm done, I'm through. Listen to all those that advised that you continue to work on YOU, and make the necessary changes within so you will have a successful relationship with someone special in the future.

LookieNoNookie -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/27/2008 6:01:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Saishuu Sorry about the long read, just sit back & take your time, it should be easy enough to read/fairly interesting, I'd like some advice on what to do because this is very important to me. Hello, I wanted to ask you guys here for a bit of advice, I haven't posted on the forums before but I've talked to some people in the personal section. I wanted to ask the collarme community this because the ones of you who are genuine are very real, & I'm hoping you can share your experience/wisdom with me. There will be no sex talk in this thread I'm looking for some relationship advice. I'll begin When I got home from work last thursday(18/12/08) half of the funiture was missing from my home, there was a letter on my desk with my Fiancees ring on it. (weve been together 2 year). The letter said:- -This shouldn't come as a surprise -I had to do it this way because I was afraid of your temper and how you would react -The lettings company are aware & I'm leaving the bills to you, the lettings company said to need to be out by 21/1/09 -I don't feel I need to give a reason as with a bit of thinking it should be obvious (its not because you don't have a job). Her mum had helped her move out, it was obvious that that it has been planned and she was staying with her mum. I rang her friend, her friend didn't know anything and was as shocked as me (we all went out for a meal the day before, my fiancee was completely normal/very happy). We worked out all the reasons why she may have moved out (extra info is in parenthesis) -She felt she couldn't tell me things that I wouldn't like (I've have a temper, I've smashed a few things before (only twice) and I'd never be violent to my fiancee. -Her mum hated me & her moms boyfriend scared me, He shouted at me once and kicked me out of mums house, I was seeing my fiancee (then gf) and we were there late after I finished work one night. Neway, point is that my I didn't want to see her mum with her BF and her mum would refuse to leave him behind, And I didn't want to be the one left out of seeing her mum, neway this resulted in my finacee not seeing her mum for along time. -Later on her mum would ring us and make my fiancee cry without fail. After too many times of this I told her my not to ring if she can't be nice, she stopped calling completely. -Later on my fiancee started calling her mum in secret, even though I had let her call her mum normally anyway (she should have said something). -This last week i found out that my fiancee was invited to go out with her mates from Uni for dinner, she said she couldn't because she thought I wouldn't like it (even though I would love it, she should have asked). Neway I haven't been able to speak to my fiancee, she has changed her number. I rung her mum, apologised for all these things and she said she would not stop my fiancee ringing me if she wanted to (should I believe this?). This is where it was left friday night. 19/12/08 There has been very slight communication between us. Fri 19/12/08 Friend asked her to leave her old phone on so I could call her, (friend has new number but wouldn't give it to me), My fiancee did leave it on. Sat 20/12/08 -I tried to ring her phone, it rung, I was surprised & very happy, but no answer, the phone is now off. -Talked to her best friend again but just re-discussed whats above. -I went out clubbing by myself (I alienate my friends apart from my fiancee you see), I met one of her work collegues, he gave me my fiancees new number. Sun 21/12/08 -7.00 am I tried to ring my fiancee with the new number, thinking she would wake up, & actually answer (before the day moves on and she loses all courage to answer/her head conficts with her heart or whatever. No-answer, I rang about 7 times before her best mate rang me and said my fiancee rang her saying I wouldn't stop calling her new phone & that she'd have to change it again. I said to her mate I'd stop calling it. I tried her phone again but it was off (as I suspected it would be). I left a long answerphone message about what I'd (thought) I had done wrong, about how she was happy right up unitl the end, & I would go to anger management, & how we should take it slow for now & maby one day it may work out & how we just need to start talking. I think I hit the nail on the head by reminding her of things she did & obviously feelings she felt by saying. "You were happy, before you left you gave me that birthday card (17/12/08) with the drawings on and 10 kisses, & you bought me a kinder egg as a surprise, you don't do those things if you not in love. when we went to my parents last weeked you was loving sitting on my face & you was orgasming when I was having sex with you, I'm sorry I didn't realise what I was doing wrong earlier, you didn't tell me & you were so happy, I didn't stand a chance". Mon 20/12/08 11.30 am Fiancee sent me a text while I was at work saying/ "hi listened to your message. Ok maby we could be friends but I need time to think more and I don't know if I could never be sure if you temper wouldn't get out of your control. So guess we can start talking but just give me time to think more so after new year and when I've become sorted back at Uni." I tried to ring her, no answer, I rang her m8 & she was already on phone to my fiancee, her mate text me back saying it was getting too difficult for her and that she was only my friend because of fiancee and I shouldn't call or contact her again. She text me once more after that saying my fiancee didn't mean to talk now. Now I don't have anyone "in the know" to talk to about this. I sent "heya glad we can talk again. I think what you say is best. Lets just take things slowly I dont want to rush." then I texted her new phone if she got the message on her old phone, she texted back "yeah i did". tue 23/12/08 10.00 AM I replied "Ahh so you did get my text, Well I'm going to leave you with time to think, have a nice christmass & a happy new year, Keep Remy* warm & makesure he doesn't eat too much, (I know he's wasting away but still), still love you lots and lots Simon xxxxxxxxxx <(^.^)>." Remy is a stuffed rat I bought her and she cherished it, she took it to bed everynight and she sat it beside her while she did uni work, the stuffing has been compressed and he's quite worn/smelly. 11.30 PM (obviously she is checking her old phone when she goes to bed) she replied "thanks I will, think lots and try to enjoy xmas and a happy new year. Yea I will do I may even give him a bath! Keep noodles warm & well fed." *Noodles is a stuffed dog she bought me for my anniversery last year, I always made it speak to my fiancee (everyday) when we went to bed. I'm thinking on boxing day (26/12/08) sending a text from Noodles to her, I know she'll get it and I think she will like it. I'm wondering if this would be the right thing to do however? Is the best way forward in this situation to send her nice/funny/casual/non-pressure/non-serious/small talk text messages (not alot of texts, maby 2 a week, as not to harrass her, in keeping with the idea of giving her some space?) Or Is the best thing to do totally ignore her time shes back at uni and settled a bit (so about the end of jan) & then just ring her? Yes I'm going to the doctor for anger management. For anyone whos gonna say leave it & move on, I'm trying, I asked a pub owner if I could work new-year so I can try to meet some new girls. But ON the topic of by the end of january getting my fiancee to talk to me (In oppose to just not speaking to me or send me a text saying "I don't think we can be friends ever). What is the best thing to do? I saw this post a few days ago when it had 5 or 10 fairly polite responses (which frankly surprised the shit out of me), and noticed it now has 100 or more.....and since I've been formally chastised by the one with a mighty CM sword for my directness....I will respond with a very polite pen; Have you READ your original post Saishuu? The reason this chic left you is quite clearly spelled out in your own original post. Read it again and then look in the mirror.

talktomeplease -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (2/13/2009 7:50:33 PM)
Um, it's not a statistic. You might want to look up the definition of that word.

talktomeplease -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (2/13/2009 7:55:00 PM)
"Since you are so skeptical, go talk to a worker or volunteer at a woman's shelter, maybe they will be able to help you see things in a different light" Aka change my opinion to be exactly what you want it to be? :-)

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