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RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/25/2008 9:47:42 AM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

She was dumb enough to give it to a so called "friend" who was too stupid to realize why it was changed in the first place.

Surrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre she was........

Woman leaves guy, she advertises his shortcomings to the world.  About the only person on the planet who doesn't know why a woman leaves a guy is, well, the guy.

Which is why the best guy response to woman leaving is...."Next?"


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Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/25/2008 9:52:59 AM   
GoodFeathers


Posts: 202
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

My advice is let her go, but send her a bill for the furniture she stole.

You smashed a few things in her presence.....HORRORS!!!  So her response is to pull a quasi disappearing act--only she doesn't really disappear because she makes sure you have a way to get in touch with her, making damn sure you crawl on your belly over broken glass to do so.  She doesn't want out, she just wants to "dom" you, and apparently is succeeding wonderfully. 

Immature, irrational, and insipid response at best, devious deceitful and manipulative at worst.  She doesn't like your "temper" so her solution is to castrate you.  Charming girl.

Let her go.  Maybe she'll grow up and figure out what she wants.  Until then you're better off without her emotional blackmail games in your life.



Harsh.  Yet, somewhat accurate, as always, celticlord, I curtsy to your astute observations of female behavior. 

(Personally, I've publicly dismissed a man from my presence...why let him wallow in seclusion?)

< Message edited by GoodFeathers -- 12/25/2008 9:55:25 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/25/2008 9:58:45 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		Sorry to break this to you but the sooner you move on and start living in the present, and not the past, then that's where things will change.

Is there really any point in coming to us here and saying you love her and want her back, when this could have all been prevented much earlier? From what I can see you haven't got a cat in hell's chance of getting her back, you'll be damn lucky if she ever comes back as a friend, and if she was interested she'd have got back in touch. Truth is she isn't. Those of her friends and folks who you think you get on with are probably just being nice to your face.

Try as you might there's no way you're going to change anything here, and the more you try you're only going to cause yourself problems. You're only wasting your time and energy, and the sooner you start letting go and moving on the better. The only thing you can do is to put all this down to experience, let it go, and learn from it.

Rather than going over the past or wondering whether you need another relationship or not (I'll help you here, until you have a stable relationship where you can control your own emotions and issues you don't need a relationship with anyone else) you need to get your shit together and get your own life sorted out.

This means finding somewhere to live and finding some sort of occupation, this means rebuilding, this means going through anger management, this means working on yourself. This means learning from the past and what has happened and bringing that wisdom from what has been in the past to the present so you can start to build a better future for yourself.

You can take consolation that you are still a human being, and being a human means that yes, you do fuck up in life, you make mistakes, and while you're living and breathing you can also think, learn and try and keep trying until you succeed. Is it easy? No. Is it worthwhile? Well yes, unless you want to keep finding yourself in situations like you hasve now.

From what you've described you've been abusive, what you're doing now can be seen as stalking, you can't go on like this but you are also a human being, you do have a mind, you do have free will and you do have a choice. Anger is weakness, it's frustration, it's an inability to communicate effectively. You are an angry person, and before you do anything else in life or try to be with anyone else your priority needs to be answering that question 'Why am I angry?' Once you have that answer you need to be looking at the answer to the question 'How can I express myself without being angry?'.

I'd take the matter up with your GP and ask to be referred for counselling.

I'd also suggest joining a support network such as:

[url=/dailystrength.org/c/Anger-Management/support-group]Daily Strength[/url]

Counselling and advice in and around Leicester

Open Door Leicester

Bridges Directory listings - this is a list of groups and services in the Leicester area which includes lots of groups and services which offer support and help.

If you need any more information, advice or just wish to talk please feel free to PM me on the other side.

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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/25/2008 9:59:34 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

Let her go, leave her alone, and before you move on, spend some time thinking about how you can learn from your mistakes and not repeat the same in the future.



I second this and Lady Pact's posts.  Leave her alone!!  Your posts remind me so much of my ex husband.  I couldn't breathe with his insistence that we talk, and on his time frame.  You called 7 times in one day??  He would do that, too - upwards of 10, 15 times a day.  If she wanted to talk to you she would answer!!  Each call is making her feel more and more emotionally unsafe. 

Loving someone is about what THAT person's needs are, not yours.  If you love her, you will give her what she needs - time. And as much time as she needs.  That might be a month, it might be two, it might be forever.  The nail on the coffin to my marriage was that he made me realize how leaving him was the RIGHT decision, because of his behaviors toward me after I left.  She changed her phone number - well I unplugged my home phone and got a new cell number.  I told him the only way he could communicate with me was through email.  He insisted it needed to be by phone so guess what?  He lost his means to communicate because he, like you, abused that tool.

Here's the thing - anger management, therapy, whatever - until she can see notable and obvious behavioral and attitude changes consistently for at least 6 months (and I recommend more time than that), there is no way to convince anyone that anyone has changed and isn't just trying to manipulate and control.  And guess what?  It takes about that long to realize and then embark on those changes.  One month will not fix this.  I would suggest you take that month and focus on YOU not her, and on what isn't working in your life and YOUR accountability for that.  Until you can look in the mirror and want to make changes, nothing is going to change.  Recognizing a need for anger management is a start.  But not recognizing abusive, antagonistic, and stalking types of behavior...as well as wanting a date on the calendar as to when you can talk again...shows you looked away from the mirror too fast.

Edited to add:  My marriage counselor noted that my ambivalence to wanting to be friends, and my waffling as to whether to keep working on the marriage or not, were signs of being emotionally traumatized in the relationship.  Love wanted me to stay, self protection wanted me to go, and so on.  It may be that she never comes back (in fact, this is likely).  It may be (likely) that you won't be friends in the future, either.  As someone who walked in similar shoes as her, I can say it takes months and months to work through all the emotions that whirl around following a situation like that.  Distance from the person is the only thing that allowed me to do that.  And, after all that, I realized it was in my best interest to never go back.  Unfortunately, he didn't want what was in my best interest. 

I suggest you use this time to focus on yourself, on moving forward, and on reshaping your future. 


< Message edited by NuevaVida -- 12/25/2008 10:07:06 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/25/2008 10:10:30 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Consider yourself fortunate if she hasn't been in contact with an attourney to file harrassment charges or obtain a "no contact" order.

I cannot believe you think driving 100 miles to maintain contact with her family members is a good idea. My father isn't a violent man, nor is he particularly fatherly, but after the stunts you've pulled he would toss you out on your arse.

Based entirely upon what you've written (which I suspect is quite glossed over in your favour) her behaviour is rediculous and childish, yours is no better. It certainly isn't the behaviour of a trusted dominant. If indeed she is a submissive, I am not surprised she's left.

It sounds to me like neither one of you is ready for an adult relationship. Focus on fixing yourself and leave her totally 100% ALONE... to work on hers.

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/25/2008 10:14:37 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse


I cannot believe you think driving 100 miles to maintain contact with her family members is a good idea. My father isn't a violent man, nor is he particularly fatherly, but after the stunts you've pulled he would toss you out on your arse.



I know I've written a lot already but I wanted to touch on this, too.  Ex husband went to my parents and read them a very personal 5 page letter that he wrote to me.  He explained how much he loved them and how much he loved me and how being with him was where I should be, etc. 

My Dad's response:  Stop campaigning.  My Mom's response:  You don't love her the way she needs to be loved.

He did the same with his own Dad & step mom (read them that letter, etc.).  Their response:  Let her go.

Of course, when I didn't come home, he went back to tell all of them what a horrible human being I am and if they only knew what I was really like, they would feel differently about me.

Their response (including his own father):  Get out of my house.

Just something for the OP to think about before he begins his campaign trail.


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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/25/2008 12:09:58 PM   
rulemylife


Posts: 14614
Joined: 8/23/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact


CP, I would ask you to reread the original.  He obtained the new phone number from a friend of hers who he ran into at a club.  It was not by the ex-fiance's intent or design.  She was dumb enough to give it to a so called "friend" who was too stupid to realize why it was changed in the first place.



So he got her new number from a friend.

That qualifies him as a stalker?

Jesus!!!!!!

No more Lifetime Channel for you.

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/25/2008 12:26:02 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rulemylife

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact


CP, I would ask you to reread the original.  He obtained the new phone number from a friend of hers who he ran into at a club.  It was not by the ex-fiance's intent or design.  She was dumb enough to give it to a so called "friend" who was too stupid to realize why it was changed in the first place.



So he got her new number from a friend.

That qualifies him as a stalker?

Jesus!!!!!!

No more Lifetime Channel for you.



You bet your fat ass it does!  While there is drama enough on both sides of this story, what part of THE BITCH MOVED OUT, TOOK HER FUCKING FURNITURE AND DIDN'T LEAVE A NUMBER...do you not get?

While this isn't stalking on the level of peaking in the windows but it is stalking none the less and should stop.


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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/25/2008 12:30:11 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:


While this isn't stalking on the level of peaking in the windows but it is stalking none the less and should stop.

It's stupid, silly, even simpering.

It's not stalking.


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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/25/2008 12:31:25 PM   
NefertariReborn


Posts: 381
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

quote:

ORIGINAL: rulemylife

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact


CP, I would ask you to reread the original.  He obtained the new phone number from a friend of hers who he ran into at a club.  It was not by the ex-fiance's intent or design.  She was dumb enough to give it to a so called "friend" who was too stupid to realize why it was changed in the first place.



So he got her new number from a friend.

That qualifies him as a stalker?

Jesus!!!!!!

No more Lifetime Channel for you.



You bet your fat ass it does!  While there is drama enough on both sides of this story, what part of THE BITCH MOVED OUT, TOOK HER FUCKING FURNITURE AND DIDN'T LEAVE A NUMBER...do you not get?

While this isn't stalking on the level of peaking in the windows but it is stalking none the less and should stop.




Michael's so sexy when he's pointing out how obtuse someone can be (can I call I you Michael by the way?)  Now if I went around posting that he's sexy after every post he makes about someone being obtuse would that make Me a stalker?  You bet your fat ass it does!

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/25/2008 12:47:09 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Wow, which night school is teaching THIS nonsense?  I break inanimate things all the time.  I've never laid a finger on another human being.

I don't have any advice for the OP other than to cool off and let the chips fall where they may.  Maybe you'll get her back and maybe you won't.  Look into anger management if you really think it will help you.  But don't believe the garbage that you're an abuser in bloom just because you break things when you're frustrated.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Do you really think that just because you smashed things instead of her directly that she doesn't realize that she might be next on the list?  Guess what?  Abusive people start with inanimate objects and generally work their way up.  Don't you think she's aware of this?

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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/25/2008 12:48:27 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		OP - besides being abusive, you are also controlling - witnessed by your insistance that your gf couldn't see her mother without you.  What a great way to distance her from her family.  Did you also do things like this with her friends?  I'd better dollars to donuts that she didn't get to see many of her friends while you were around - because either you didn't like them, or "they didn't like you".

She has issues but at least she has the sense to leave an abusive situation.
You need take all these replies and work on yourself, so you are better able to sustain a relationship.

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/25/2008 12:49:49 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

Wow, which night school is teaching THIS nonsense? I break inanimate things all the time. I've never laid a finger on another human being.

More than one night school, I think, because I see/hear that shit all the time.

It's like I tell my slave....."If I wanted to hurt you, I would."


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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/25/2008 1:03:02 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		~Fast Reply~

I dunno about you all, but when I see people breaking things in anger it unnerves me. When I see people breaking things in anger because they are angry at me, I wonder how much longer till they start hitting me. (Yes it's documented that physical abuse often starts with the abuser breaking objects. That doesn't mean that everyone who breaks things is an abuser but it's a valid red flag.)

The bottom line here, OP, is that she left and made every reasonable attempt for a clean break. Having been, there done that, seen it, I can testify that sometimes smart women who *don't* want to be contacted by their exes trust the wrong people who, for their own reasons - be they simply stupid or acting out of malice - provide contact information to the exes.

If she's a bitch who is looking for a drama or is genuinely afraid of you the answer is the same: Leave her the fuck alone. Stop calling, stop texting. She isn't going to forget about you if she loves you. You don't need to remind her. You need to get out of her life and let her learn what living without you is like. Either she'll love it or she'll hate it and there isn't damn thing you can do about which one it will be.

Tell her from now on you are respecting her wishes and hope that you will hear from her soon. Then delete her new number, throw yourself into your anger management (the fact that you are realize you have an issue makes me a bit inclined to believe that she is, at some level, frightened of you). Move on with your life and let her hear from mutual friends that you've got your anger under control, and maybe even dating again.

Good luck.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 12/25/2008 1:04:15 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/25/2008 1:20:02 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		LaM and Rule.....  Which night school?  Ummm.  All of them, actually.  The day school's, too.  It's very well documented that abusive types start with a pattern of breaking things, and then moving up to harming people.  It's along the same wavelength as hurting the animals of their partners. 

Let Me guess, CP.  The chick was supposed to change her number to get away from him and then give it to absolutely none of her friends.  She wasn't changing it because of her friends. She was changing it because she was leaving him.

Last, My personal thanks to Mod Eleven for moving this post to off topic.  Abuse is NOT BDSM. 


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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/25/2008 1:28:12 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		To the OP.....All I've got to say in re-reading this thread is this. Given that you are dealing with a woman, not a man, the few male posts that seem to downplay your behaviour are not only in the minority but also......from a male perspective.

In cases like this I don't think in the terms of which perspective is right or wrong. Your situation is beyond that being terribly important. What matters is the female perspective since you are, afterall, dealing with a female. Whether CL and others want to argue what is the correct, right or whatever, doesn't really matter. It is the female perspective and how it affects your situation. I won't argue silly legalities, only how I think most women are going to interpret the behaviour.

So, after you take all of that into consideration. Take into consideration that there is now considerable documentable proof of your continued attempts to contact her, in addition to quite a few witnesses, AND knowing women like I do, especially impulsive immature types that like to run to meddling mothers.....it is probably in your best interest to cease and desist.

And yeah, start working on your own shit.

_____________________________

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/25/2008 1:29:34 PM   
Saishuu


Posts: 17
Joined: 10/28/2008
Status: offline 		I'm gonna do my best to respond to you guys.

Thanks guys for all the great advice, I just lost the one I love a week ago, and was just asking what would be the best way to get her back, I hope you can understand how I feel at the moment.

All I want to do is make her happy, nope all I want her to do is be happy. I'm going to improve for myself, maby oneday I can make her truly happy too. I don't want anything other than that. I don't think asking for advice on here makes me a bad person, but do you?

quote:

ORIGINAL: gehennasfury

I agree that destroying things ... trying to correct those issues. 


I should have spoke to her mum and mums boyfriend and done my best to be friends with them even if all they would give me back in turn was hostility. I should have been grown up.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Do you want an honest opinion? ... top of the anger management class.



Ahh yeh,  I should definantly work on my issues before trying to get another girl. Your right.
Her friend saw me in town, asked how I was doing, I told him, he gave me her number and told me to call her and keep calling her. But I realise now I shouldn't do that i'll just be hurting her.
I know this isn't a BDSM issue, how'd you get the idea I thought it was, I was simply asking for advice here because I'd thought this would be the best place to do it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDaveGuy69

I think it is a good think to to keep everything in perspective.

~Dave


I can't agree more with you dave. Thanks.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

How long have you been ... Get to it or you will repeat.


I haven't gone yet, this only happened last thursday. But I want to go to Improve myself, I have learnt so much this week, but you highlight other things I should learn too. I don't understand alot of your 4th paragraph. How can I find the root cause? help me plz...

 
quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

Leave her alone. 
 
If she ... repeat the same in the future.



I can't help be agree with you too.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

CP, I would ask you ... changed in the first place.



LadyPact I did my best to edit the original for shortness and clarity, I really think he gave it to me out of the goodness of his heart, for my benefit possibly, but probably more likely for the benefit of my fiancee (his friend), thinking I can make her happy.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

Leave her alone and let her ....

~Lashra



Good idea.

Goodfeathers, peppermint,
NuevaVida, LaTigresse,

All good advice I agree.

Its definitley best for her and me for her to have left, otherwise I would never have realised, or I wouldn't have realised these things definantely enough.

All this can mean (If I take note and let it improve me/I improve myself) is better relationships for myself in the future and whoever I have that relationship with.

If I do get back with her, and she could be happy it would be great, because atleast she wouldn't have to deal with another guy with the same or different problems.

And whether you believe me or not, (maby you should because I saw it & her friends saw it) I made her happy, and she made me happy.

Hopefully If I ever did get back with her she wouldn't have reason to be scared (actually if I did get back with her she would never have to deal with these problems again).

Either I've learnt and I won't be angry infuture, or I'll learn to control it and be able to deal with it in a non-destructive way, I'm not taking the risk that I've learnt now & I'm definitely going to anger management as a back-up so hopefully I have all my based covered (or atleast can get a decent start on improving)..



< Message edited by Saishuu -- 12/25/2008 1:30:37 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/25/2008 1:37:01 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

Wow, which night school is teaching THIS nonsense? I break inanimate things all the time. I've never laid a finger on another human being.



With respect, this has got nothing to do with being accident-prone.

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(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/25/2008 1:37:58 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rulemylife

So he got her new number from a friend.

That qualifies him as a stalker?

Jesus!!!!!!

No more Lifetime Channel for you.


Getting a number isn't stalking.  Calling repeatedly (in this case, 7 times in one day) until she picks up is considered stalking behavior.  My ex did that.  Turns out he had a shrine of me in our home (which I had left), too.  Then he started showing up at my work, leaving things in my car (we both had keys to both cars).  It starts with an unanswered call...moves to calling repeatedly...and when those are unanswered, escalates to more.  In my case, the voicemails he left turned threatening, which allowed me to contact his lawyer (I had filed for divorce by then) and threaten a restraining order, which stopped the calls.

This shit starts somewhere. It is a process.  And it usually starts with a grown man who can't handle not getting his way and not knowing how to deal with that. 

And yes, smashing things in anger at the person, in their presence, is abusive and threatening behavior.  Unless you (generically) know what it is like to be physically weaker and vulnerable to someone who seems to not be in control of himself, you really don't know how frightening and stressful it can be. 


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(in reply to rulemylife)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/25/2008 1:41:19 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Saishuu

All I want to do is make her happy, nope all I want her to do is be happy. I'm going to improve for myself, maby oneday I can make her truly happy too. I don't want anything other than that. I don't think asking for advice on here makes me a bad person, but do you?



Definately not. I really do wish you all the best. It sounds, to me, like you are trying to fix the problems. Everything will work out for the best and I know a bit what you are going through as my ex-fiancee left me for a problem that they'd never mentioned to me which I would have been happy to work on. Best of wishes to you.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Saishuu)
Profile   Post #: 40
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