RE: needing advice -- is this normal? (Full Version)

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lilgirl2008 -> RE: needing advice -- is this normal? (12/28/2008 7:17:58 AM)

If after a year he won't introduce you to his children or friends that would be a serious red flag for me. Either he is embarrassed by your relationship, or he is involved with someone else. He is going to tell you what you want to hear. "One day we will get married."  But what does his actions say? His actions say you are not that important in his life. There is no reason for him not to contact you on Christmas. It takes two minutes to call someone. Even less to txt someone.  As someone else here has already said, just because you are in a D/s relationship, doesn't mean you don't deserve basic respect that you would find in any relationship.
I wish you luck on this. It is a tough spot to be in. As a submissive you aim to please. However you do have to think about yourself and are you being repected? or are you being used?



BRNaughtyAngel -> RE: needing advice -- is this normal? (12/28/2008 7:25:03 AM)

You're not the only submissive who has posted on the boards in this last week or so questioning why their dominants ignore them on holidays or other behaviors that might be red flags.

No matter what everyone elses experiences and opinions might be, you need to decide if this is acceptable to YOU and if this is the type of relationship dynamic you wish to be involved in.

My former owner never allowed me to be a part of his life, and I was only allowed brief visits to his home and those were rare.  He kept me at a physical and emotional distance and it ate away it me.  I tried to make sense of it for months and months, even trying to see him in the descriptions that others would post of their own dominants behaviors.  Just trying to grasp at something that made sense.  But ultimately, I determined the man had issues he refused to acknowledge and I was never going to be his idea of the perfect slave with the perfect body, etc...

I am now the loved and cherished property of a man who wants me in His life.  We do "stuff" together and socialize with His friends/co-workers..... we've been on a cruise and are planning another one for next year.  I am His slave, His girlfriend, His property, His life partner. 

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide.





LuckyAlbatross -> RE: needing advice -- is this normal? (12/28/2008 9:59:56 AM)

"If you've known a guy for six months and you haven't met his friends, you are NOT his girlfriend"- Chris Rock, No Sex in the Champagne Room

Mostly I agree with MasterFireMaam, the issue seems to be that both parties are talking, but no one is communication or coming to an agreement on how those words will translate into actions. 



julietsierra -> RE: needing advice -- is this normal? (12/28/2008 11:14:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

"If you've known a guy for six months and you haven't met his friends, you are NOT his girlfriend"- Chris Rock, No Sex in the Champagne Room

Mostly I agree with MasterFireMaam, the issue seems to be that both parties are talking, but no one is communication or coming to an agreement on how those words will translate into actions. 


lol... wonder what that makes me with my 2 year hold on him meeting the people who are important in my life. Course I never put a time limit on what we were doing. As long as I felt comfortable and he felt comfortable, we continued enjoying ourselves. When the time felt right to the both of us, we began the introductions.  It seemed to work well for us.

Then again, I'm a patient sort.

juliet



yourMissTress -> RE: needing advice -- is this normal? (12/28/2008 12:11:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: boundfeet

My owner and I are both single, but do not live together. He has two um's, both over age 18 and one at home. I have two younger ums'. He has been to my house, and met my um's as well as friends of mine.
...
The question is after this period of time together, is it unreasonable of me to want to meet his um's and other friends?
...
I am feeling hurt and a bit put out. Struggling to combine my bdsm needs and position and get them in (or out) of alignment with any romantic bf/gf type needs. I feel like I am kept on the outside of his life, and he tells me that its just him. He is normally this way, has nothing to do with me. But I feel this is deliberate, and/or he is hiding something. 
I've really struggled with all this. He says he wants a contract between us. That if we had a contract, then  he would feel like he could do those things, fulfill those expectations.  
Am I being paranoid? Am I just a booty call? Does this seem like someone that just isn't that into me? Or is this just the holiday weirdness that tends to happen?


FR, and I've tried to make the copy and paste shorter to only include the points I'm touching on.
 
Have you ever heard the saying "if you don't know his friends you are not his girlfriend"?
 
Now, you have been in a relationship with this man for almost a year, and you don't know if you are his girlfriend or not.  You don't know if he wants a romantic relationship.  He has spoken about marriage, but says a contract is more important, and is now holding things out like a carrot on a stick to get you to beg for a contract.
 
Do you talk to this man?  At all?  Do you have conversations about where things are, where they are going, what the two of you want out of a relationship, what you need, what he needs, what are the expectations?
 
Or are you just play buddies? fuck buddies? or some mixture of the two?  I would say if you aren't having the above conversations and equally participating in those conversations, then you are just that, buddies.
 
I don't know if it's just holiday wierdness, is this the first any of these issues have popped up?  Is this the first you wanted to meet his friends and family?  Or are you reaching for any excuse to continue getting your BDSM needs met and not rock the boat?
 
I know my post is probably harsh, but my take on it is this: you are getting some of your needs met and some is better than none and you are ignoring the truth in order to have something that is far less than what you deserve.



RealSub58 -> RE: needing advice -- is this normal? (12/28/2008 4:59:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilgirl2008

If after a year he won't introduce you to his children or friends that would be a serious red flag for me. Either he is embarrassed by your relationship, or he is involved with someone else.


I am sure that this might be true for some or many but not a fact for all.My Sir keeps his college age kids and family seperate from his female attachments for reasons most don't understand.  He was very free to tell me why. The only reason my sister met Sir is cause she made it her right/business.Privacy for specific reasons can be excellent boundaries.  



lilgirl2008 -> RE: needing advice -- is this normal? (12/29/2008 5:20:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RealSub58

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilgirl2008

If after a year he won't introduce you to his children or friends that would be a serious red flag for me. Either he is embarrassed by your relationship, or he is involved with someone else.


I am sure that this might be true for some or many but not a fact for all.My Sir keeps his college age kids and family seperate from his female attachments for reasons most don't understand.  He was very free to tell me why. The only reason my sister met Sir is cause she made it her right/business.Privacy for specific reasons can be excellent boundaries.  



but that is just it...he told you why. There isn't any real communication going on with this couple. She is left to wonder. She hasn't been back to comment so probably either she got her answer, or made her decision.



boundfeet -> RE: needing advice -- is this normal? (12/31/2008 5:40:39 AM)

First off, thank you to all who responded.

Yes, we do/did talk. But obviously only one of us was honestly communicating. I have sense found out why no contact. Very difficult to accept I was that gullible or naive. Thank you again for your words and advice.



mc1234 -> RE: needing advice -- is this normal? (12/31/2008 6:36:01 AM)

I'm sorry you feel duped and hurt, OP, but it does happen quite a bit around here.  You've learned to listen to your intuitions, and that's a very good step forward.  



DarkSteven -> RE: needing advice -- is this normal? (12/31/2008 6:39:16 AM)

My sympathies, boundfeet.  I hope you end up with someone who deserves you.



hereyesruponyou -> RE: needing advice -- is this normal? (12/31/2008 10:10:55 AM)

So sorry to hear it was as you feared. Remember that time does heal, even if not always completely. And we all get duped sometimes. It is a part of being human and being who we are.

Hugs



RumpusParable -> RE: needing advice -- is this normal? (12/31/2008 10:37:35 AM)

.



tasha_tart -> RE: needing advice -- is this normal? (12/31/2008 2:12:38 PM)

Edited to say:

My post seems to have been overtaken by events, but I took so long hunting-and-pecking it out that I'm leaving it up.

==================


Take BDSM out of the equation.  If this were a vanilla relationship, and you'd hadn't met his friends or family (after a year), always had to "entertain" at your place (and only when his 18+ offspring was away), can't get a "hello" out of him at Christmas (let alone spend any time together), how would you answer your question?

If he told you that all this would change once you were married, and then you'd be part of his life, how would you answer?

At best, he seems to be someone who is not on the same page as you emotionally.  All the contracts in the world will not change that.

At worst, he is married or attached, and you're just something on the side.

Somewhere in between, he's getting what he wants, is happy with how things are, and is more than willing to continue the status quo.

If you're willing to settle for this, carry on.  If you want to keep this relationship, but need change, tell him!  You both need to have all your cards on the table.

If he can't, or won't, change then you have to decide whether you can live without any real commitment on his part.

Tasha



AmbrosialWench -> RE: needing advice -- is this normal? (12/31/2008 5:12:15 PM)

Some people do not have close friends they hang out with. I for one typically socialize only with my family. Some people have a hard time introducing girlfriends/boyfriends to family because the family then expects the relationship is heading toward marriage. He/she may be thinking the girlfriend/boyfriend is marriage potential, they do not want the pressure from their family. 
As for the contract, you stated he wanted a contract first thing compromised to start a relationship with you without one. Why have you not brought up the contract when you know it is what he expected/wanted. He may feel you are still not commited to the relationship, so why would he want to introduce you.



marie2 -> RE: needing advice -- is this normal? (12/31/2008 5:20:12 PM)

I don't think it's a question of  is it normal? is it common?   I think the bottom line is that it's not ok for you.  I would address the issue with him and see what comes back.  If you are feeling "hurt" and "put out", do you think you can accept that in the long term?  If not, you might be at a cross-roads.



FullfigRIMAAM1 -> RE: needing advice -- is this normal? (12/31/2008 6:06:16 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: lilgirl2008
If after a year he won't introduce you to his children or friends that would be a serious red flag for me
I agree completely!
quote:

Either he is embarrassed by your relationship, or he is involved with someone else. He is going to tell you what you want to hear. "One day we will get married."  But what does his actions say? His actions say you are not that important in his life.
Ditto! And while it is easier for you to believe what you may want to believe about him, his actions are suspicious, and ought to cause your common sense, and self respect to kick in. He may very well be honest, and is only behaving like this because he is afraid, but that theory ought to be easy to test, with you two sitting down and hashing out a contract.

quote:

I wish you luck on this. It is a tough spot to be in. As a submissive you aim to please. However you do have to think about yourself and are you being repected? or are you being used?
I too wish you luck, and more importantly, wanted to say that this is not a submissive (D/s) problem, believe me, I know from experience, as much as it is a relationship problem. Hope things work out well for you regardless of what you choose to do. M



Begsnice -> RE: needing advice -- is this normal? (12/31/2008 7:21:10 PM)

Instincts never lie...trust em.




begsnice



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