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Fetishes and human relationships - 1/2/2006 9:42:40 AM

MsIncognito

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Joined: 5/24/2005
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I haven't been involved in BDSM for very long but over the course of the last two and a half years I've gotten involved to some degree or other with people who have various fetishes. Some of these people were just acquaintances who were willing to be frank and open about their fetishes. Others are people who I became intimately involved with. Even before becoming involved in BDSM I was involved with someone who had what I think is a true fetish in the clinical sense, unbeknownst to me at the time.

I realize that what most people call a fetish is really just something they like a lot and get off on. The degree to which a fetishized item is necessary for sexual arousal varies, if it is necessary at all.

I have to admit that my experiences with fetishists were less than stellar. With only one exception (the fellow many years ago who had a fetish that fit the clinical definition), those I became intimately involved with were more focused on satisfying their fetish than relating to me as a human being. As someone who longs to please the person they're with I was more than willing to do whatever was necessary - I purchased the expensive silk stockings and garters, I wore the knee high leather boots, I manicured my feet daily so they'd be soft as a baby's bottom, painted my toenails, wore cute little toe rings, wore my hair up with just a tendril or two hanging alluringly for the guy with the neck fetish, etc, etc - all out of a desire to please. None of this was done out of a sense of getting off any of these fetishes. What I got off on was pleasing him. Initially, they enjoyed this. Ultimately, it never seemed to be enough. The foot guy wanted me to writhe in sexual ecstasy and orgasm when he sucked my toes. The boot guy couldn't understand why having my Dom lick my boots, soles and all, would mess with the submissive headspace I was in. Ultimately every one of them wanted someone who got off on the fetish just as much as they did and I was not that person. In the end I usually ended up feeling like an accessory and a disposable one at that. It could have been anyone wearing the boots or having their toes sucked, the fact that it was me was just a convenience (at least that's how it seemed to me).

As a result I tend to shy away from relationships with people who have strongly pronounced fetishes. While objectification can be hot in the right context I never had the feeling of being objectified. It was more like a feeling of being incidental and irrelevant.

I've come to realize that for me BDSM is ultimately a way to relate to others in intimate relationships. All of the props and paraphernalia are fun but they are incidental. If they all disappeared the core basis for a human relationship would still be in place. If two people with the same fetish can find fulfillment together, I think that's great. Most of us are looking for someone (or someones) that can understand where we're coming from and those with fetishes certainly aren't any less worthy. Nor are those of us who don't have fetishes.

For those with fetishes - is your fetish central to your relationships and sexual enjoyment or is it merely an enhancement? Have you ever felt that your fetishes limited you in terms of finding suitable partners? Is the fetish more important than the person?

For those who don't have fetishes - have you encountered the same difficulties I have re: fetishes and fetishists?

< Message edited by MsIncognito -- 1/2/2006 9:45:18 AM >

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RE: Fetishes and human relationships - 1/2/2006 9:52:19 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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That is a problem with fetishes and I've had trouble with it in my past as well. One of my partners has a breast fetish, in that he has to touch them and such. I have been able to control him by bringing his focus around and limiting his touching and we work through that well.

My other partner has a true foot fetish, but his personality is such that it never interferes with him enjoying the WHOLE of me. I have to be careful because, unless his own insecurity stops him, he WOULD just spend tons of time on my feet, but he loves the whole of me just as much.

My boyfriend has a slight rubber fetish. I'm not into rubber at all. But I can learn to enjoy it and feed off of his desires for it.

For all of them, the fetish is fine as a part of who they are and I am happy to help them embrace it. But if it ever got to the point where the "fetish" is what they needed more than "the relationship with me" then we'd begin to have problems.

I think, like most things, it's an understanding of balance and focus. I also think it would be more difficult for someone fully dominant in orientation who had a fetish as they might have fewer "checks" in place and lose out on a lot because of the fetishistic need.

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RE: Fetishes and human relationships - 1/2/2006 9:57:38 AM

IrishMist

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Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

For those with fetishes - is your fetish central to your relationships and sexual enjoyment or is it merely an enhancement? Have you ever felt that your fetishes limited you in terms of finding suitable partners? Is the fetish more important than the person?

Hmmm, would extreme pain, degradation and humilation be considered a fetish? LOL. I have always attributed fetishes to something that you could actually touch, hold, etc...like stockings, boots, a certain clothing.

But, mine, and most that I am with, all want and crave the same thing. On my end, its receiving pain, in its most humilating and degrading fashion...on their end, its giving. We both get what we want out of it. And yes, I do believe it limits me in who I choose to be with. Not many are willing to take me to the place that I want to go. Is it more important? That's harder to answer because I would have to say yes and no. I like pain, I crave it, I feed off it; it is something that is integeral to any relationship that I have. But at the same time, I WANT to say that it's not necessary. Somehow though, I don't think I could be happy with someone who did not crave it as much as me.

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RE: Fetishes and human relationships - 1/2/2006 10:20:25 AM

LadyJulieAnn

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Joined: 6/29/2005
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In my discussions with submissives who have clear fetishes I've found that we just don't work well together, because everything is generally steered towards the fetish. I think it's important to distinguish between specific things that we find may turn us on instantly and more than other activites and those things that one *has* to have to achieve sexual pleasure. Being able to incorporate a fetish into your interactions as a couple would be the ideal situation, as long as the needs of both people were being met.

Be well,
Julie

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RE: Fetishes and human relationships - 1/2/2006 10:20:56 AM

veronicaofML

Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
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For those who don't have fetishes - have you encountered the same difficulties I have re: fetishes and fetishists?

=================
difficulties? i believe, the only, difficulty, is that many dommes i have met, won't talk to anyone that does not have a sex fantasy fetish.
it SEEMS to be the ONLY control method dommes know about.
i have only met 2 that know about getting into your head vs your pants...to control.
"control his sex drive and you control the man" is ALL i hear about.
to ME it is disgusting. but then, "I" am fairly non sexual anyway.
i venture the guess...most male subbies "I" encounter, that come over here/ and -or/ talk to Her on messenger...are ALL sex......
none...not 1...is about..."what can i do for You ?..."
every stinkin one wants to be played with sexually.
i guess? i just feel let down,..by other males. i feel they give ALL males a bad name.
and another guess...it is ALL .....MOST dommes see ...males with their hands down their pants...acting like 12 year olds....
i have YET to find 1 male that acts like a matured adult.

SOOOOOOOO

my issue..is talking to most people...MOST......is that they feel EVERY male is like that.

just like my wives and girlfriends and female elders.........."men only want one thing"

i don't know.
go figure.

take care
i hope YOUR 2006 is better than mine starting out.

< Message edited by veronicaofML -- 1/2/2006 10:22:32 AM >

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RE: Fetishes and human relationships - 1/2/2006 10:44:35 AM

seaturtle50

Posts: 382
Joined: 12/28/2005
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I am brand new here. Most all of my RL relationships have been nilla to date, with me fantasizing about D/s in the process.

I do not consider myself to have a fetish per say, or maybe I have all fetishes as I am equally turned on by all things with only a very few exceptions. I can get equally into them all.

I am now recently single, and am seeking. I have decided to look only within the lifestyle and am hopeful of the outcome. I must say however the day to day D/s and the "props" are entirely secondary to what I truly crave from one very special woman.

It is the intimacy I am after. That I suppose may actually be my true fetish. I want to be closer to her than is probably even humanly possible ... hence the leaning towards BDSM and D/s. I perceive that this will allow the closest possible intimacy, the tightest bond ;-)

In my case I do not think it is possible for me to objectify the fetish items without regard for the woman involved. Yes, it could become just as sexually charged by many women, not just the one I am playing with ... but then I would still have that large empty space within ... while I am waiting for her to be given. The one special one.

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