On The Road To Healing (Full Version)

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cpK69 -> On The Road To Healing (12/30/2008 9:28:53 AM)


The posts in the on-going thread “Subtle Abuse”, inspired me to further analyze my ideas on what abuse is. On more then one occasion, I’ve been told that I have been abused, but the idea that ‘abusers use their victim’s fears to control them, did not feel as though it fit me. To be honest, it felt disabling. I thought I'd share what I had discovered about myself, incase it might help others on their path of recovery from being a victim.
 
I decided I needed to reanalyze the event I had shared involving my mother, in that same thread, when another poster mentioned a vow they had made to themselves, which was largely reminiscent of a vow I had made, as a result of that day. During my investigations, I came to realize why the idea of my past SO’s using my fears to control me, bothered me so much; I was never actually afraid of them. Instead, my fears had another, underlying current.
 
By the time I was having relationships as an adult, I had already resolved to the idea, “If my mother couldn’t break me, no one else was going to either.” I have been more afraid of being 'that little girl' again, then anything, anyone else might have tried to instill.
 
My understanding on the concept of abuse, can be assessed by the above statement. To me, abusing something, is to use in a manner in which it was not intended, thereby, causing it to break. I have chosen to modify both myself, and my surroundings, in order to adjust for unhealthy relationships, but I have yet to be broken. Therefore, I no longer find it accurate for me to believe I have been abused.
 
Another thing that was bothering me; there are very few things in this world that I can honestly say belong to me, my state of emotions is one of them. It doesn't seem resonable for me to give credit to my accused abusers  for ‘making me feel’; anything.
 
Kim



Lockit -> RE: On The Road To Healing (12/30/2008 10:04:56 AM)

Nice post.  Thank you.  At a young age I had to learn to survive, run a family and all that jazz.  I said to myself... They can hurt me and it hurts, but they can only hurt me in that moment because if they hurt me for longer than that moment in time, they win and I lose. I will not lose.  I won't let them hurt me for life.  I learned to make myself safe after... mourn or get through the pain and then move on.  I never had flashbacks or dreams or even felt like a victim because I would not victimize myself once they were done with me.  I went on to love and be loved.. to love sex and not hate men and I am not dominant because I hate men! lol  I love the big ol buggers!

I know many will say one cannot do this, but some can.  Rape doens't have to last a lifetime.  And it doesn't have to be ignored or denied in any way.  I know it, I have lived more than my share of it and I survived it... truely survived as I am not victim and I live a very happy existance.

The doctors said I should be in a nut house cracking my head on a wall... they couldn't understand.  I tapped into something.  Personally I think it was simply being friggin stubborn and not wanting the bad guys to win.  I win!  And that's the way that goes.



missturbation -> RE: On The Road To Healing (12/30/2008 10:11:08 AM)

Some people spend no time on the road to healing, some spend a few miles and some will spend forever on it.
I think as long as we are going forwards and trying to heal thats all we can really do.
I admire those who can recover so well as lockit and cpk69, i really do.



Lockit -> RE: On The Road To Healing (12/30/2008 10:13:37 AM)

I am sure a lot of things factor in... I don't blame people who are different than I am and have a longer healing process.  I tend to try to help them and my career was pretty much started and based on that.  As long as we are moving forward... you are so right... we are doing well!



cpK69 -> RE: On The Road To Healing (12/30/2008 10:33:48 AM)


Thank you, Lockit

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Some people spend no time on the road to healing, some spend a few miles and some will spend forever on it.
I think as long as we are going forwards and trying to heal thats all we can really do.
I admire those who can recover so well as lockit and cpk69, i really do.


I wouldn’t expect anyone to heal at a rate, other than what is appropriate to them. However, it seems to me that some, intentionally or not, place label and fault, of abused and abuser, in inappropriate places.
 
It looks more to me like the road to denial, than to recovery.

Kim



Lockit -> RE: On The Road To Healing (12/30/2008 10:44:05 AM)

I did some denial in the beginning.  There may be a moment in time when it is helpful, but to stay there... not good.  I think my time of denial was just a distancing thing until I could deal with it better.  As long as it was continuing, there were times when I may have had to deny some of it.  Not that it happened, but certain aspects.  I found solice in learning to protect myself and becoming as strong as I could.  I did some counseling... but thought that it just re-enforced the memory and pain and drug it out.  So I learned to mourn better and spent a week pretty much locked in my room and cried and mourned and then found freedom.



agirl -> RE: On The Road To Healing (12/30/2008 10:47:11 AM)

That was a really interesting post Kim, and something I often think about.

You mentioned about the idea of your past SO's using your fears to control you...I'm not SURE but you were motivated by  * Mum didn't break me, and nor will you*? I don't want to get hold of the wrong end of the stick or assume anything.

For myself, rightly or wrongly, I developed a bloody-minded attitude that saw me through some fine horrors. A bit of the * I'll show you* that I can manage ok on my own. That's not always worked in my favour without a shadow of a doubt, but it had it's place at the time and did the job when I required it to more times than not.

There are lots of incidents in my childhood that weren't the best....and like your *doll* one, they probably weren't significant to my parents in the great scheme of things.......but they had a big enough effect on me. One effect was I decided certain things for myself that I would or wouldn't *let happen* or what was * far enough*, for me.

When I was 13yrs old, I disappeared for two weeks because I was unhappy. I wasn't at all used to the big, wide world but I hopped on a train and buggered off. I wasn't making a point , I just wasn't prepared to be there. I had some staggering experiences during those two weeks that altered my idea of being helpless completely. When I was dragged back by my ear, nothing much changed because my parents were just being themselves and I was just being myself and I eventually did a bit of growing up.

The part that stuck, FOR ME, was that it was possible to do something about it. I'd already done so, it was a powerful knowledge for me.

A little like you, I have been in situations where I haven't been treated in the way I'd prefer but because I always knew that I could walk, that I'd already done it, with a lot less experience and possibilities under my belt, it bolstered me. I've never got to *broke*, therefore I've never felt abused.

agirl







marie2 -> RE: On The Road To Healing (12/30/2008 10:51:50 AM)

FR:

My feeling, and this isn't a critcism to anyone, just my own personal belief on the matter of "healing". 

If you (generic) analyze it, re-analize it, hash it out, think about it, talk about it etc, you are not in the process of healing; you're in the process of "re-living". 



oceanwynds -> RE: On The Road To Healing (12/30/2008 10:55:35 AM)

Healing to me is an on going process. We heal layer upon layer at a time, just like peeling an onion. I do not permit my past to remain in my present. In other words, I can't allow other's actions control me today. In doing so, I need to keep an eye on who is running my life; is it my parents from the past, my inner child, the people that tried to leave me for dead, or is it me. They took too much from me, but they never took my spirit. It is still intact and free. Free to make choices each day on who is controling me at the present moment. I find it easier for myself when I stopped letting the past control my feelings. I tend to stop prior to reacting from the destruction that was in my past.

Do I have it together? Sometimes and sometimes not, but i am better then i was years ago. I met some wonderful people on the way who showed me that I had a choice to remain a 'glorified' victim, or to walk away from victimhood. This was not easy to do, and it meant stopping actions that I use to do. If someone wants to tell me they had it worst them me, then- by- God yes they did. I not into competing or arguing for my limitations anymore. I am more interested in what my mind, body and soul are doing today.

I by all means should have died in my early 20's, but i didn't. Do i want that period , 3 decades ago, to be running my present life? Did I get something from being a victim? Yes, I did. It is a good way to manipulate others. I been able to stop that, thanks to late hubby. I been able to move foreward in life. I still have issues, but that is part of living. I do not have very much tolerance for people who try to use the 'poor me, I am a victim' on me. I normally will walk away. I also know they will remain that way, until they find something better to replace what they get out of being a victim. We all grow and heal at our own pace, and it isn't for me to push, shove or call another a name, but i do not need to be apart of their living experience either. We all are experiencing life, and part of living is healing at our own pace.

oceanwynds



cpK69 -> RE: On The Road To Healing (12/30/2008 11:06:39 AM)


I was utterly surprised that I still could not think about that event, without becoming emotional. Further more, couldn’t understand why, when I thought I had rationalized the whole thing out.
 
Here’s where I found I went wrong.
 
I had told myself;
 
It is ok that I failed to give the appropriate answer to the question, “Is there anything in this world that you care about?!?“
 
My mother was a different person then she was back then.
 
And I completely failed to recognize the idea of ‘not being that little girl anymore’, meant, not being me.
 
I was finally able to figure out why reading others talk about ‘failures’, when pertaining to people, bothered me so much. Apparently, I was a very condemning child, and held no special allowances toward myself.
 
Kim



agirl -> RE: On The Road To Healing (12/30/2008 11:08:35 AM)

I disagree marie. 

Thinking about, and revisiting situations that were unpleasant seems to be the only way to apply how you think and feel NOW. It gives you the chance to re-assess what you *thought and felt at the time* and look at ways you'd do things differently.

Your idea of re-living something possibly is other's idea of thinking it through and gaining a different perspective on it.

What is the process of healing in your view?

agirl






JustDarkness -> RE: On The Road To Healing (12/30/2008 11:12:43 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2


If you (generic) analyze it, re-analize it, hash it out, think about it, talk about it etc, you are not in the process of healing; you're in the process of "re-living". 



mm perhaps...but isn't that how shrinks work?



oceanwynds -> RE: On The Road To Healing (12/30/2008 11:18:40 AM)

quote:

If you (generic) analyze it, re-analize it, hash it out, think about it, talk about it etc, you are not in the process of healing; you're in the process of "re-living". 


That is actually a major part of the process of healing, by analyzing it, talking about it and beginning to accept you have a problem. It's the first step in healing. When you can say I am really............, then you can look for ways to start the other part of healing. However, if you are stuck in that first pattern of healing, then you aren't ready to break through the door. Sometimes in breaking through the door, we dont know what awaits us. It is a odd and frightening feeling of being 'nowhere'.





Lockit -> RE: On The Road To Healing (12/30/2008 11:21:36 AM)

Re-living it the way I think would include pain, emotion, memories that were not welcome and such.  I can freely speak about it and am not stone cold hard, but am not emotionally charged either.  I really don't 'feel' 'it' anymore.  I speak without a lot of memeries flooding me.  It was a time, a place, something that happened, but it isn't happening to me any longer.  Not in any way.

I learned that sharing my story helped other's open up to me and be more ready to share their own stories so that they could work out what they needed to do about it all.  It became a tool I used.  It was also used to show that life does go on and one can be happy without the flood of memories and without a lot of scar tissue.

If haunted by it, you are not healed yet.  If not haunted or even bothered by it... talking about it isn't really re-living it.  I do know what you mean by that re-living it in a sense... but that is different than what I experienced and it is okay to talk about it if you can handle doing so. 



agirl -> RE: On The Road To Healing (12/30/2008 11:23:40 AM)

 My Mum isn't the same person either...but I'm not the same self-absorbed child that she had to cope with along with four others.

My Mum said recently that she thinks she was a crap mother compared to my sister and myself. That's rot. She didn't have the opportunity to be the kind of mothers WE are....life as a mother for us gives us FAR more leeway to be different without enormous condemnation. It's FAR easier to be different, kick up the traces and do things *your way* nowadays.......In her situation it just would have been unthinkable. It wasn't imagineable for her to stick two fingers up and do it *her way* back then.Apart from anything else, she didn't have mod-cons such as a dishwasher or automatic washing machines and worked full time.

I'm eternally thankful to have been able to discuss and talk about these things with my Mum...far from re-living it, we found a new way of seeing it and it's brought us a lot of deep felt contentment.

agirl



LaTigresse -> RE: On The Road To Healing (12/30/2008 11:26:35 AM)

For ME, healing is the process of getting to the point that you can look back without becoming emotionally distraught about it.

To get to the point of accepting that you either A.) may have shared some small responsibility in what happened to you, either through ignorance, immaturity or whatever without some form of denial. and B.) accept that the abuser may have been just as abused and damaged, if not more so. And to forgive, maybe even have some empathy for whatever hell lead them to that place.



cpK69 -> RE: On The Road To Healing (12/30/2008 11:30:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

That was a really interesting post Kim, and something I often think about.

You mentioned about the idea of your past SO's using your fears to control you...I'm not SURE but you were motivated by  * Mum didn't break me, and nor will you*? I don't want to get hold of the wrong end of the stick or assume anything.




I fumbled the words.[:)]
 
I was trying to say that my past SO’s were unable to use my fears to control me. That there actions were not to a degree that I would relate fear to them. The reason being, my mother had failed to convince me to do so, (and she was ten times more frightening then they could ever think of being *grins*), then they weren’t going to convince me to do so.
 
And yes, I knew I could leave if I really needed to. I was just extremely stubborn in a, ‘I can make this work’, sense, as well.
 
Kim



oceanwynds -> RE: On The Road To Healing (12/30/2008 11:30:29 AM)

quote:

Re-living it the way I think would include pain, emotion, memories that were not welcome and such.  I can freely speak about it and am not stone cold hard, but am not emotionally charged either.  I really don't 'feel' 'it' anymore.  I speak without a lot of memeries flooding me.  It was a time, a place, something that happened, but it isn't happening to me any longer.  Not in any way.


Lockit, I am the same way. The emotions attached to the past have finally been left in the past. I come from a place now with different emotions. Through healing came my release of the past. Cutting the cords that only zapped me of energy. No one has that right from me to do this, which meant the past had to be let go completely. No hate, no anger no emotions, for each of those attaches you to the past. I am guarded on where i place my energy, and it feels great.



missturbation -> RE: On The Road To Healing (12/30/2008 11:34:04 AM)

quote:

She didn't have the opportunity to be the kind of mothers WE are....life as a mother for us gives us FAR more leeway to be different without enormous condemnation.

 
I disagree. She could have been the mother you are but she chose not to be. The fear of the repercussions / condemnation was too much for her. Just as sometimes the fear of condemnation / repercussions is enough to make an abused person stay in an abusive relationship.



cpK69 -> RE: On The Road To Healing (12/30/2008 11:51:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

 My Mum isn't the same person either...but I'm not the same self-absorbed child that she had to cope with along with four others.



I was considering what I had said, to be erroneous thinking, for me.[:)]
 
I was allowing myself to separate one from the other, because it reminded me of what I believed constituted my being a failure. Being a failure, to, and for me, is a terminal illness.
 
Kim
 



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