RE: Why dominant ?

RE: Why dominant ? (Full Version)

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JustDarkness -> RE: Why dominant ? (1/4/2009 2:45:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kdsub quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus The bdsm world seems to attract many people with emotional and/or psychological issues. In my opinion, I don't think there are any more unbalanced people in the scene than there are in any other special interest group--it only seems that way due to the concentration of people. Hello LadyHibiscus I believe the very nature of this group attracts people with emotional and psychological problems...way more then a cross section of the general public. I have them...I'll bet most here know they have problems...at least if they were honest with themselves. We are ALL outside the “NORM” of the vanilla world. Do my or your problems make you or me worthless or bad people? No... so my comments are not meant to belittle or judge anyone. Butch I have to agree with both posts. But I also see many subs (not all thank god). That want others to solve their problems...so..they look for a Dom(me). They seem lost....or have no energy anymore to work on theirselfs. They need the punishment/correction from a D to continue doing things. Personally I think a sub should be selfsupporting in some basic things...so she can handle herself when something happens. They are sure not bad people or less...but I find it worrying.

JustDarkness -> RE: Why dominant ? (1/4/2009 2:49:42 AM)
quote: Why dominant ? it happened ... I grew into it .. just became part of me. ..no theory behind it...or story.

NorthernGent -> RE: Why dominant ? (1/4/2009 2:56:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aneirin What do you in reality, actually get from your liasion with a submissive ? Achievement, authority, respect, order, traits/skills that I value.......possibly love and contentment (depending on the relationship). These are borne out of fear, pride, glory, mutual co-operation etc, i.e. basic human instincts and traits. A D/s relationship is a reasonable agreement where two people have their basic instincts and traits satsified.

StrangerThan -> RE: Why dominant ? (1/4/2009 5:37:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aneirin What is the purpose of a dominant, what do you get from it ? Is it simply you like to get your own way and by having a submissive you can get your own way, or is it you feel of service to a submissive, a person who gets what they need from helping another in an aspect of life they see as detrimental according to their belief ? Is it with the case of males they wish to drill another whenever the need arises, no protest as it is their right as dominant and the females of the same ilk, a sub to do the things she most likes ? What do you in reality, actually get from your liasion with a submissive ? Why dominant? Why breathe? It's not a facetious question. I don't see being dominant as something you become or do. I see it as the basis of who I am. That aspect doesn't change regardless of whether I have a submissive or not. In fact, there's no requirement that I have a submissive. That part of the equation is a choice, not a constant. What is a requirement is that if I do have a submissive, I know I'm feeding something within her when we do the things we do. I don't think there's a generic answer that works for everyone given that dominance and submission are expressed in different ways by different people. What works for me, what tempts, pulls, draws that basic person within isn't controlling every aspect of my submissive's life. It is living life with her and while doing the living, being who I am while letting her be who she is. She has a need, a deep seated need to be led at times, to be controlled at times, to be understood, to be used at times, to be cared for. I have a deep seated need to do all of those things to and with her, but also a deep seated need to do it in what I consider healthy ways. I want her happy. I want her to feel a sense of freedom within her submission, even within her bindings. I don't want the woman lost. As RS said, I'm in it for my own purposes, but I didn't join a club. I didn't decide that, ya know, today I will be dominant. There's a point of realization I think with most where you realize what you are, but not where you decide what you will be. There's probably a point with many, I know there was with me, where you struggle with it because it's not what society teaches you to be or wants you to be. What I get from it is a sense of harmony. We feed something inside the other and feed off each other. What's being fed is basic and primal. That doesn't mean the relationship is. It means we recognize and accept we need that basic, primal part along with everything else it takes to make a relationship work. There have been many times where Stranger sits and ponders wicked thoughts and plans long evenings only to have those plans cast aside by a bad day, by her not feeling well, by any one of the thousand things life can throw at someone. Sometimes a good session is exactly what's needed to erase some of the stress and frustration over those types of things. Sometimes what's needed is exactly the opposite. I don't see being dominant as just getting what I want. I see it as managing the need between you so that both are fed.. if that makes sense.

Evility -> RE: Why dominant ? (1/4/2009 6:25:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Jeptha Are you maintaining that introspection is not a dominant trait? No, I do my fair share of navel gazing. Just not about domination. I have no reason to invest critical thought into why I eat, sleep or breathe. I view domination the same way. No dissertation required.

Aneirin -> RE: Why dominant ? (1/4/2009 7:00:09 AM)
Ah, achievement, a worthy word, I am pleased it is mentioned, is it you have a sense of achievement about yourself, or on how you have made someone , a sub, better ?

DesFIP -> RE: Why dominant ? (1/4/2009 8:08:11 AM)
He gets all of the above with very little argument. He gets someone who enjoys following his lead, and he always prefers to be the leader. He gets immediate recognition as alpha from strange dogs who he doesn't interact with until he tells them "down" at which point they obey. Various numbers of teen boys wander through this house during school breaks, all of whom love me and hug me, but they do what he says unquestioningly. I have to bribe them to get work done, they do what he says no question asked. But he doesn't enjoy drilling me if I'm not actively involved. At such times he gets no energy transfer. And in that activity it's the energy exchange that he needs as much as the physical release.

thetammyjo -> RE: Why dominant ? (1/4/2009 8:48:33 AM)
At first glance it merely extends my personality to all aspects of my life. I was never the follower, always the leader, from the earliest of ages. To not be in that positions feels like a role, a character that I'm playing, it feels natural to be the leader. I think it also grew from my experiences growing up. For me to feel safe I need to feel in control, when I feel that control I can actually relax enough to let go and let someone else take care of things for a while. That's probably why I'm more into service Ds than into micromanaging.

Padriag -> RE: Why dominant ? (1/4/2009 9:55:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aneirin What is the purpose of a dominant, what do you get from it ? Is it simply you like to get your own way and by having a submissive you can get your own way, or is it you feel of service to a submissive, a person who gets what they need from helping another in an aspect of life they see as detrimental according to their belief ? Is it with the case of males they wish to drill another whenever the need arises, no protest as it is their right as dominant and the females of the same ilk, a sub to do the things she most likes ? What do you in reality, actually get from your liasion with a submissive ? You've asked a lot of questions all at once, not all of which are easy to answer. What is the purpose of a dominant? To dominate, to rule, to control. That part is simple enough. What do you get from it? That's a personal question, which precludes any general or universal answer. Dominant is something I am, it is part of my nature. What I get from it are the rewards of expressing my own nature, of confronting the universe on my own terms.... I get joy, I get satisfaction. Is it simply you like to get your own way and by having a submissive you can get your own way? Yes and no... yes I like getting my way but its not as simple as that. For one, I don't always get my way, yet I'm still there striving to have my way... and whether I succeed or am defeated, I still find joy in it. For me, being dominant is as much a philosophy as an aspect of my nature. So, as with Nietzsche's Will to Power or Adler's Will to Dominance, there is a part of me striving to have my way, to have control, to have power, and through such ensure my security, survival, the passing on of my legacy, etc... there's also something more. Its a way of dealing with the universe... large and vast as it is... I meet it as an equal, ready to face its challenges confident in my own ability... not that I will always prevail, or even always survive... merely confident that I will stand, and I will not back down. Or as Tennyson put it in the last lines of his poem "Ulysses". Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho' We are not now that strength which in old days Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are One equal temper of heroic hearts Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield. Being dominant, for me, is about having within me that Will to strive, to seek, and to find. And though circumstances sometimes leave me weak, or wounded, or even defeated... I am never... ever.... broken. Is it you feel of service to a submissive, a person who gets what they need from helping another in an aspect of life they see as detrimental according to their belief ? I am no charity, I am not here to "service" others or surrender myself to their needs. So no, it is not my goal to "help", "save", "rescue", "fix" or otherwise "serve" a submissive. That's not to say helping a submissive is not or cannot be a byproduct of my dominance of them and their service to me. I want healthy slaves, I have standards and expectations... if I find they lack in some area, be it skills, knowledge, experience... I'll seek to correct these things. Submissives, generally, thrive in a structured environment... and by my nature, I tend to create that where possible... which is good for both of us. But there are some things I won't attempt to correct... a bad attitude for example, a drug addiction, etc. Is it with the case of males they wish to drill another whenever the need arises, no protest as it is their right as dominant and the females of the same ilk, a sub to do the things she most likes ? I get both, and more. I get sex when I want, where I want the way I want it. I also get service, I get my meals, my laundry, my house cleaned, etc. the way I want and when I want. I also get companionship, conversation, a back rub... you guessed it... when I want, how I want, and where I want. What do you in reality, actually get from your liasion with a submissive ? I get another aspect of my life the way I want it. But ultimately its about peace of mind and security... having this one aspect of my life for which I do not have to continually battle and strive to have as I wish... here I merely need ask and it is so. I don't mind a challenge in life, frequently I enjoy it (though like everything that has its limits). But there is also a time and a place for everything, and for me a relationship is not the place for challenges and conflict.

Jeptha -> RE: Why dominant ? (1/4/2009 11:03:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Evility quote: ORIGINAL: Jeptha Are you maintaining that introspection is not a dominant trait? No, I do my fair share of navel gazing. Just not about domination. I have no reason to invest critical thought into why I eat, sleep or breathe. I view domination the same way. No dissertation required. I see. Thanks for the reply. And I think I know what you mean. At this age, I feel less of a need to introspect on things that I spent a lot of time "searching" about when I was young. Part of that is that I'm more mature and comfortable with myself, but I think a lot also has to do with the modern world being a little more open and informed. Once upon a time (P.I.; "pre-internet"), I spent some time in a political climate where it was not ok to objectify women - even in fantasy...! (I know, maybe hard to imagine for you younger folks.) And of course that's all I wanted to do at the time. I couldn't explain myself back then, had some partners who cried and felt that I was "objectifying them", etc. So it took me some time to figure out what it was about, that it was ok, how to express it, etc.

HalloweenWhite -> RE: Why dominant ? (1/4/2009 3:08:41 PM)
This may seem strange, but I don't like "getting My own way" for the sake of it, I'd much rather have what I want for a good reason. As for submissive doing what You want regardless, the truth is they don't, instead, You have to find one who's compatable with what You want out of the relationship. If it was all about getting what I wanted whether My submissive liked it or not I think I'd get bored or (eventually) attacked! lol. For Me its about B/both sides getting something out of it.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Why dominant ? (1/4/2009 5:47:54 PM)
What is the purpose of a heterosexual? Personality is irrelevant to orientation. I get into relationships with others because it brings more fulfillment to my life than if I were single. My orientation happens to be as a switch, that is dom and sub. So I form relationships with people as a dom and as a sub. It just happens to be what works for me.

SirJohnMandevill -> RE: Why dominant ? (1/4/2009 6:45:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aneirin What is the purpose of a dominant, what do you get from it ? My submissive lady surrenders all to me when we are together in a scene. It's not the feeling of my Domination that arouses me sexually, it's her helplessness. Outside the bedroom, "Domination" in our relationship simply means that I lead, and she follows. Until we became Dominant and submissive (AND partners), I rarely had that responsibility, and she rarely was able to cede the responsibility to another. [sm=abducted.gif] Les (Purveyor of Fine, Handcrafted Kink)

JustDarkness -> RE: Why dominant ? (1/5/2009 1:45:16 AM)
quote: Why dominant ? I kept thinking about this question...but still can't give an answer. It is a question like "why do you like the colour blue" ...I just do.

IronBear -> RE: Why dominant ? (1/5/2009 2:05:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aneirin What is the purpose of a dominant, what do you get from it ? It is an extention of my normal personality. Honed and trained from a young age by my family, boarding school, the Military and my late Sensei mostly under the guise of assertiveness, leadership and taking control of situations as I need or chose to. BDSM is simple an perk and add on to my lifestyle. quote: ORIGINAL: Aneirin Is it simply you like to get your own way and by having a submissive you can get your own way, or is it you feel of service to a submissive, a person who gets what they need from helping another in an aspect of life they see as detrimental according to their belief ? There is both pleasure, and joy in having a slave as well as pride in her performance and the regular proof of good training. quote: ORIGINAL: Aneirin Is it with the case of males they wish to drill another whenever the need arises, no protest as it is their right as dominant and the females of the same ilk, a sub to do the things she most likes ? Sex may or may not be involved but it is the least important item on my list.. quote: ORIGINAL: Aneirin What do you in reality, actually get from your liasion with a submissive ? I don't have submissives I require slaves. I get service, a partner/s to play with, if you do BDSM. Pleasure in training and creating an exquisit servant/maid trained and dressed in the mode of the Victorian era. Theraputic massages as needed on back shoulders, knees and feet when pain becomes a tad heavy. My home kept tidy and clean as well as an assistant in my kitchen annnnnnd hopefully a close intimate (not necessarily sexual) friend for both my wife Neets and I.

lateralist1 -> RE: Why dominant ? (1/5/2009 3:04:52 PM)
Being dominant comes natural to me. When I am allowed to be myself then I am much happier. As a woman I have had to play at being submissive at times. I really don't like it. It's absolutely essential for me to be in control of as many situations and relationships as I can be. It's theraputic. Obviously the perks of better sex and not having to do everything myself is really nice. Discipline is a natural concept and I've always been a bit of a sadist but that isn't really that important because I'm also a masochist. I'm also a trained drama teacher so the dramatic aspects of BDSM really work for me. I like expanding my own and other people's abilities and pushing social norms. However submissives come in lots of different personalities and I haven't met one that I mesh with yet which really isn't suprising as I have only met a handful of people in the whole of my life that I have any real connection with. I just accept it now.

NecesitesMe -> RE: Why dominant ? (1/5/2009 9:17:00 PM)
I just am. I didn't wake up one day and say "I want to be dominate." In fact I recall a few of my girlfriends in High School saying to me that they "liked the way I took charge." I didn't know what D/s was at the time so it wasn't like I was trying to be dominate. I just was and so I am.

SimplyIsaac -> RE: Why dominant ? (1/5/2009 9:39:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aneirin What is the purpose of a dominant, what do you get from it ? What do you in reality, actually get from your liasion with a submissive ? Hot sex. Free labor. Money. Freedom to be as perverse as you want. Just a few things...

PanthersMom -> RE: Why dominant ? (1/5/2009 11:02:06 PM)
why dominant? why not? PM

Vendaval -> RE: Why dominant ? (1/5/2009 11:55:37 PM)
Being Dominant is my default setting. I liken the dynamic between the Dominant and the sub/slave as a dance where both sides compliment, clarify and energize the other. [sm=dance.gif]

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