Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? (Full Version)

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Coemgen -> Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? (1/3/2009 9:30:12 PM)

I'm a switch male who's been on this site a while now. I've exchanged e-mails with several sub females and have even met a few of them, however I've yet to get any interest from a dom aside from the professionals looking for a donation. Why do you think this is? Why is it harder for a switch to find a dom play partner?



Maxwell67 -> RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? (1/3/2009 9:36:24 PM)

*FR*
This is pure conjecture, mind you, but I am guessing that female dominants do not want to risk your trying to switch with them.  I have noticed among the female dominants that I know a very pronounced tendency to guard themselves against even the whiff of an attempt by someone else to control them.  Being vulnerable even in front of their subs scares the hell out of all the dominas I have come to know, so I cannot imagine them taking a risk on a male switch.  That may just be my own experience with those I have met, though.



littlewonder -> RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? (1/3/2009 9:41:18 PM)

My guess is because they get a lot of emails from doms who think that all females are submissive and the domme just hasn't found the right man yet to put her in her place.





RainydayNE -> RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? (1/3/2009 9:45:53 PM)

i remember once being contacted by a guy who wanted to meet me or whatever. i told him that i have a Dom and i'm not seeking.
so suddenly he says "oh actually i'm a switch" and starts calling me Mistress, and says that it should be okay to meet because he's not really a Dom.

i'm still relatively new to the whole "thing" but i imagine alot of people use the umbrella of "switch" (note: i'm not saying that switches are all fakes who are lying to you, i'm just saying SOME people probably do, as with anything) to flip around on people, and maybe that's what the Dommes are trying to avoid?

i imagine it's some blend of what Maxwell and littlewonder said.



igor2003 -> RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? (1/3/2009 10:02:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Coemgen

I'm a switch male who's been on this site a while now. I've exchanged e-mails with several sub females and have even met a few of them, however I've yet to get any interest from a dom aside from the professionals looking for a donation. Why do you think this is? Why is it harder for a switch to find a dom play partner?


I haven't seen any numbers on this, so I'm only guessing, but I know that sub men outnumber dominant woman by a HUGE margin, so I would imagine that sub women also outnumber dominant (including switch) men, meaning that they might at least be open to the idea of possibly serving a switch.

On the other hand, if you were a dominant woman which would you rather have, someone that is totally submissive and available at any time she wishes, or a switch that might or might not be available depending on whether he feels dom or sub at the moment?



BondageBarbieX -> RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? (1/4/2009 12:41:29 AM)

Probably because they think you are going to try to top from the bottom



steviemichael -> RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? (1/4/2009 1:07:21 AM)

fear factor !
they fear what they dont understand or little knowledge  of a 'switch' its soooooooo confusing for them !!



LadyPact -> RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? (1/4/2009 1:18:51 AM)

That last comment sounds like something that might be heard on the playground.  Why would a person have to be considered afraid just because they happen to know what they want and a switch might not fill that need?

Don't become confused by the issue.  I'm not saying that someone who labels themselves a switch is less submissive in that role as someone who outright labels themselves as a submissive.  I'm saying that some might be more inclined to prefer someone who is only submissive.  Some people know who they want on the other side of the kneel with only particular traits and not someone who has the traits of both.

It's not that Dominants don't understand the concept or are afraid of it.  I think it comes down to knowing what a person wants and what they don't want.  Not everyone is for everyone else.



abytchgoddess4u -> RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? (1/4/2009 1:27:57 AM)

~fr~

Regardless of the conjecture so far...

Most of us that are more naturally disposed as Dominant tend to be interested in those that compliment us, our essential opposites...male or female. We may consider a switch as a partner; but they would have to be even more exceptional than the subs that interest us, purely based on the fact that we cannot penetrate as deeply into their mindset as we would like. I've had this discussion with numerous, RL friends.

For myself; my bone of contention with people who define as switch is that they are defining themselves based on a sexual connotation, not a lifestyle. My whole goal in finding a life partner is to achieve the goals I desire for my life...without going into detail, they are to serve me and my comfort in this life.

I cannot do this with someone who may randomly decide one day that he wants to play physically with another, as a Top. My life partner will be dedicated to me and only me...all others are either entertainment or a waste of time.

My toys are mine, I rarely share.

ETA: Those who mention 'fear' in regards to female Dominants are apparently in fear themselves. Fear of women in general, fear of strong women, fear of vaginas? Who knows? But they obviously don't understand Dominance.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? (1/4/2009 3:07:04 AM)

The vast majority of female Dominants in the forums (which seem to be the type you'd much rather be in contact with) are looking for service first and play second. Not all, mind you, but from what I can tell, most. So, a profile that talks about your sexual turn ons, describes potential scenes and lists fetishes isn't appealing for many.

Master Fire



MsFlutter -> RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? (1/4/2009 3:30:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Coemgen
....Why is it harder for a switch to find a dom play partner?


My own experience with switches is that they are inconsistent and exhausting. How can a 'relationship' be restorative on any level when one half of it has chameleon-like tendencies?
 
I lived through that once - made me question EVERYthing I knew. (I acknowledge that some form of undiagnosed/untreated bi-polar disorder on his part  may have complicated things.) As much as I miss the amazing conversations we used to have, I wont allow the confusion back in my life and I certainly don't miss the drama.





DesFIP -> RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? (1/4/2009 8:00:35 AM)

Because the ratio of male subs to female tops is commonly referred to as about one million to seventy. Now this is not a true statistic but it does aptly serve to tell you exactly how hard it is for a male bottom to find a compatible female top. Even harder if he's looking for anything other than a poly, nonsexual, mainly service role. You're looking for someone to top you and all the dommes here could have their choice of bottoms any day of the week, probably several times a day.

However if it helps any, the fact that you are getting responses from female subs means you're ahead of the norm there. Because most male tops don't get any responses. Females get chased, especially when new, and in large numbers. Males of any orientation are always competing for females.



Aneirin -> RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? (1/4/2009 8:23:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Coemgen

I'm a switch male who's been on this site a while now. I've exchanged e-mails with several sub females and have even met a few of them, however I've yet to get any interest from a dom aside from the professionals looking for a donation. Why do you think this is? Why is it harder for a switch to find a dom play partner?


I have'nt had any problem with this, in fact I get more response from the doms than I do the subs. Maybe it is I just look sub if a sub indeed has a look.


I used to, a few years ago contact who I took a liking to, what their written profile said about them, I was actively looking then, but I gave up with that, as often things come when not actively looking.

I found being involved with the message boards the way to get to know people, as a profile can say very little about a person, being here, people who might have an interest, get to know more about a person's thought pattern, how they are at different times.

So, my advice, get involved in discussion in here, the forums.


Edited to add, I am only switch because I am largely inexperienced, those that speak with me from here via C mail or messenger know that, and draw their own conclusions, some people like a challenge.



SunNMoon -> RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? (1/4/2009 8:32:06 AM)

It's a numbers game, and in this case your odds aren't very good. You're going to have to stand out, it's comes down to what makes you speical considering your email number 50 for today. (It's not just a switch thing but a guy on the internet thing).

But then again, the switch guys I know seem to have problems with it from both sides. It's all about choice not everyone is going to pick a switch to play with or be in a relationship with.



Aneirin -> RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? (1/4/2009 8:40:55 AM)

Oh, and if you can, a picture is often worth a thousand words, enhance yourself, make yourself appealing to the viewers and if you can change your photo regularly, show people you are active and care about how you come across to others.

In general, keep the nudity out, people generally like to see good clear facial photos rather than nitty gritty.

If you don't know a photographer, you could possibly offer to pose in exchange for photos, or even get some snaps professionally done.



beargonewild -> RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? (1/4/2009 8:41:33 AM)

What I found to work for me is I interact with another on a person to person level first and foremost and allow everything else to naturally evolve if it was meant to be. As pointed out, there seems to be a larger number of male subs and male switches actively seeking then female Doms. From talking with several single Domme friends, the main characteristic they seek in a male switch is a man who thinks with the head on their shoulders and not the one between the legs. 



thetammyjo -> RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? (1/4/2009 8:45:06 AM)

My slave is a switch but he leans more heavily toward submissive; his top needs can be satisfied a few times a year. He didn't introduce himself to me as a switch though but as a submissive because that is what he was looking for. He was focused on one relationship as a time and unless you plan to find another switch you can switch back and forth with, you may want to consider which type of dynamic you want to pursue first.



Aneirin -> RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? (1/4/2009 8:55:35 AM)

That I suppose is generally what I am doing, except I am not actively pursuing any side of the dynamic, I am allowing whoever of whatever pole make that decision for me, with the belief that what I naturally am will shine through by how long interest is kept in me.

You see my interpretation of switch, is flexible, if I am with a dom, then I am sub and that is that.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? (1/4/2009 9:01:38 AM)

I am a dominant who prefers switches, or other dominants.   I have no submissive wiring, and anyone who thinks they can be the boss of me is sadly mistaken.  When it comes down to it, I choose a PERSON, not their orientation.  My former slave was a dominant for years, and he went back to dominance at some point after our separation. 

I have come to view dominance and submission, topping and bottoming, as a fluid continuum.  I have bottomed heavily, have been a bondage model in public demos, but no one questions that I am a dominant because that is who I am.  If someone wants to serve me, I will examine that person's motivations, but if they are a good match for me, I don't care what roles they took in the past. 



Aneirin -> RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? (1/4/2009 9:07:59 AM)

Well done LadyHibiscus, good to see there are people who look towards the person and the relationship, not the orientation. Why dismiss a good possibility because of a label and a preconceived notion which might be totally incorrect. Maybe it is those of a stated fixed orientation are actually limiting themselves.

I also believe orientation and sexuality is in reality a fluid thing.



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