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How do you explain being a sub? - 1/3/2006 3:59:57 PM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline 		I was talking yesterday with a longtime friend of mine. She's not into WIITWD, and doesn't really know much of anything about it, but she knows I am and am a submissive. She accepts me as I am and is and has always been supportive of me no matter what.

In the course of the conversation, she made the comment that she couldn't understand how I could be a submissive. She wanted to understand me and the way I am.

She was telling me about a couple of other women she knows who are in D/s or M/s relationships, and things said to her about the control their Doms/Masters wield over them, and what she's witnessed for herself of those, seemed too extreme to her.

She thought that any and all such relationships are like that and couldn't understand why I would want that or be with someone like that, how I could be submissive. She knows me very well, which is why I think it's so hard for her to reconcile the me she knows with submissive as she understands it. She asked me to explain to her what being submissive is in general and to me.

A lot of times it's hard for me to find the right words to convey what I mean when trying to answer or explain something. I did try to help her understand but I didn't completely succeed at it. Our call got cut short when I had to leave, so we agreed to continue this conversation next time we are able to talk.

How do you explain being a submissive to someone who isn't into this and doesn't really understand it? She wants to understand and I want to help her understand.

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RE: How do you explain being a sub? - 1/3/2006 4:25:12 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		I have no answer for you because my (ex) best friend who I tried to explain it to, found it laughable that I would be submissive to anyone!

Later, she decided the people I befriended from here, and b.com are all twisted and perverts. So...what does that make me?!! hmmm....

I will be watching this with interest.

Christina (the twisted, I guess)

(in reply to SweetSarijane)
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RE: How do you explain being a sub? - 1/3/2006 4:32:06 PM   
foxglove716


Posts: 648
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline 		Being a sub is such a highly personal thing that even your best friends who know you so well cant possibly understand unless theyre submissive themselves, and even then, you can never *truely* understand another sub because its so individualized. Why are we submissive? I can think of a dozen reasons for myself alone that stem from both nature and nurture, not even mentioning why others may be submissive. How do you explain being submissive to someone who isnt? Im not sure that you can. They may understand the idea, but they will never feel the feeling. I tell vanilla friends that its like playing that game when you were a kid where you fall backwards and expect someone to catch you. The important thing is as you said, she accepts you and supports you. And acceping you when you are so fundamentally into something she doesnt quite understand shows open mindedness and acceptance on her part and is very cool.

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RE: How do you explain being a sub? - 1/3/2006 4:56:28 PM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline 		When I try to explain it to people who don't prefer this relationship style, I say something to this effect--

We're all happy in different kinds of relationships. Some people seek relationships where they are perfect equals. Some people like non-negotiated power dynamics. That is, where one person defers to the other without ever actually talking about it. I prefer a pre-negotiated transfer of authority.

Just like someone who's heterosexual is programed to be attracted to someone of the opposite gender, I'm programed to be attracted to relationships that give me the opportunity to provide service to my partner. It fufills me to be able to make my partner's life better, easier and more fun. I am attracted to -belonging- to someone, in all senses of the word, and being able to fufill their fantasies and their needs by being what makes them happiest. It isn't that I feel the need to change myself. Rather, I am always true to who I am, that person simply is a person who is made happy by being useful.

Well, that and the s&m bit--the kinky sex and people in leather with whips-- appeals to me too. I figure it's like any other fetish. Some people are into their partner's dressing up like teachers, or in havng the lights off while they have sex. I rather like it when my partner hits me."


It's wordy and not very clear, but it usually gets the point accross. I almost always have to add a caveat about consensual "abuse" and the physical aspects of s&m, but for the most part, people either get it, or get tired of listening to me :)

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RE: How do you explain being a sub? - 1/3/2006 5:04:14 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

How do you explain being a submissive to someone who isn't into this and doesn't really understand it? She wants to understand and I want to help her understand.


Sarah,
The first response I'd had for this question was the comparison to trying to explain the color red to a person who has been blind all their life. Without a common point of reference it's impossible to have common understanding. But that's a cop out.

Better to ask her to describe her "ideal" relationship and what it entails. Then, assuming it's true, say to her you get the same satisfaction and pleasure as a submissive in your relationship. By describing the results you obtain you should find common ground, because ultimately your goal is personal fulfillment, pleasure, and peace. She may not understand how/why you get to that place from submission, but she should understand that it's the path you have decided for yourself. you can get into specifics of the physical, mental, or emotional experience; but that's your decision.

Consider, that some people say they "don't understand" because they don't want to, or are afraid to because of repressed thoughts that they may be feeling. But is it's an honest attempt to deepen the friendship and share these feelings with you, it's a good opportunity. By discussing your feelings with someone who doesn't understand but wants to, the questions that arise serve to help you know yourself better. Knowing the "why" of what we do, comes from this honest self evaluation. It's good to have your "whys" and feelings "tested" every so often to reconfirm them, or provide an opportunity to amend them if needed.

Good Luck!

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RE: How do you explain being a sub? - 1/3/2006 5:33:18 PM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline
quote:

Well, that and the s&m bit--the kinky sex and people in leather with whips-- appeals to me too. I figure it's like any other fetish. Some people are into their partner's dressing up like teachers, or in havng the lights off while they have sex. I rather like it when my partner hits me."



She has no trouble understanding the "kinky sex" or pain play, etc. aspects of it at all lol. She gets that quite well. It's the dynamic, the mental, the D/s, M/s part that she can't understand and I'm having such trouble explaining to her.

You say it's wordy and not very clear, but it does help explain it. Thanks.

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Wild Side Readers KCSass

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RE: How do you explain being a sub? - 1/3/2006 5:38:27 PM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline
quote:

Better to ask her to describe her "ideal" relationship and what it entails. Then, assuming it's true, say to her you get the same satisfaction and pleasure as a submissive in your relationship. By describing the results you obtain you should find common ground, because ultimately your goal is personal fulfillment, pleasure, and peace. She may not understand how/why you get to that place from submission, but she should understand that it's the path you have decided for yourself. you can get into specifics of the physical, mental, or emotional experience; but that's your decision.



Thank you. You just helped me so much right there.

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Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

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RE: How do you explain being a sub? - 1/3/2006 6:03:07 PM   
doubleLeo


Posts: 50
Joined: 11/26/2004
Status: offline 		being naturally submissive, I would say that it is the same as any other relationship..expressions of love. Not all expressions are logical or found in the gen pub... does not make them any less valid :-) There is as much knowingness as a "submissive" as there is as a "vanilla". I mean, the real question I have is, How can she be vanilla? How could she live without what I experience as love?? :-)


dL

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RE: How do you explain being a sub? - 1/3/2006 6:08:05 PM   
NakedOnMyChain


Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

How do you explain being a submissive to someone who isn't into this and doesn't really understand it? She wants to understand and I want to help her understand.


Tell her to bend you over and find out... Ah, just kidding.

Seriously though, the best advice I can give you is to come up with what drew you to being submissive, what it means for you, why you stuck with it and tell her. Write it down if you need to. No one else can really describe what being submissive is for you because it means something different to everyone, if only slightly. Keep in mind though that some people will simply think we're crazy no matter what we tell them. It's just not in some peoples' natures to understand the desire to serve.

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

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RE: How do you explain being a sub? - 1/3/2006 6:35:54 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

She has no trouble understanding the "kinky sex" or pain play, etc. aspects of it at all lol. She gets that quite well. It's the dynamic, the mental, the D/s, M/s part that she can't understand and I'm having such trouble explaining to her.


In every successful relationship people have set "jobs" This persons job is to take out the trash. That person cooks. Someone takes the task of paying the bills on.

A D/s relationship is no different but those same jobs are talked about at length. It is clearly defined where in a vanilla relationship they are not always.

It's give and take power exchange. I want you to be in charge of this for me..and that.

(in reply to SweetSarijane)
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RE: How do you explain being a sub? - 1/3/2006 6:45:37 PM   
camigirl


Posts: 42
Joined: 9/18/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Better to ask her to describe her "ideal" relationship and what it entails


I like this.
And if i were in your shoes i would try to explain the need to be able to be completly honest with someone, to trust them enough to let them see into your soul. And when they get that deep inside, they "own" it.
I think anyone can understand that.

camigirl

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You had me at "stay"

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RE: How do you explain being a sub? - 1/3/2006 6:54:35 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline
quote:

I have no answer for you because my (ex) best friend who I tried to explain it to, found it laughable that I would be submissive to anyone!

Later, she decided the people I befriended from here, and b.com are all twisted and perverts. So...what does that make me?!! hmmm....

I will be watching this with interest.

Christina (the twisted, I guess)


heh! i got a similiar story. Just spent 10 long days with the family. Both my brother and sister can NOT believe i am "submissive" Reasons being cited is i am too strong willed. i dont think they could ever reconcile "me" with submissive and sorta brushed it off as its not possible in their minds. Nor could either of them actually understand "submissiveness". As both sides are with in everything.

Heh, it was even compared to scientology! Which by their definition is "a religion that was created as a joke(to sum it up), but that everyone believes in"

Obviously its tooooooo much for them...... so i left it. But it was all very cute and amusing to me.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
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RE: How do you explain being a sub? - 1/3/2006 6:59:16 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

How do you explain being a submissive to someone who isn't into this and doesn't really understand it?


I don't even try to explain it. I just let it be known that this is who and what I am, and leave it at that. I have always believed that no one else had to understand why I am the way I am, as long as they accepted that it was my life, and my choice.

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


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RE: How do you explain being a sub? - 1/3/2006 7:59:15 PM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline
quote:

Tell her to bend you over and find out... Ah, just kidding.


lmao, she'd love that remark! laugh herself sick. I have a twisted sense of humor and she's just as bad.

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Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

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RE: How do you explain being a sub? - 1/3/2006 8:02:59 PM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline
quote:

And if i were in your shoes i would try to explain the need to be able to be completly honest with someone, to trust them enough to let them see into your soul. And when they get that deep inside, they "own" it.
I think anyone can understand that.



How beautifully and well put. Thank you.


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Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

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RE: How do you explain being a sub? - 1/3/2006 8:20:26 PM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline
quote:

I don't even try to explain it. I just let it be known that this is who and what I am, and leave it at that. I have always believed that no one else had to understand why I am the way I am, as long as they accepted that it was my life, and my choice.


For most people, I'm the same. This is me, take it or leave it.

I agree that not everyone else needs to understand just accept, like you say, that it's my life and my choice. She does that, always has unconditionally, but she honestly wants to understand and I want to help her understand. She's an exception to my take it or leave it, this is me attitude. When she asks me something like this it is with an honest desire to understand.

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Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

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RE: How do you explain being a sub? - 1/3/2006 8:37:54 PM   
windy135


Posts: 437
Joined: 10/17/2005
Status: offline 		I've only explained it to one person in detail. At first my best male friend who happens to be gay gave me this look like ,, what? I told him the look made me feel weird but we are so open that the more we talked about it the easier it got. Lol I shared stories and he even thought some of it was hot. He is now trying some tactics with his boyfriend and says its fun. I wouldn’t try to explain this part of who I am to someone who doesn’t really know me completely.

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RE: How do you explain being a sub? - 1/3/2006 8:50:00 PM   
foxglove716


Posts: 648
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire


In every successful relationship people have set "jobs" This persons job is to take out the trash. That person cooks. Someone takes the task of paying the bills on.

A D/s relationship is no different but those same jobs are talked about at length. It is clearly defined where in a vanilla relationship they are not always.

It's give and take power exchange. I want you to be in charge of this for me..and that.



I think this is a *great* idea. It explains d/s in a language anyone can understand.

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Illusion is the first of all pleasures. -Oscar Wilde

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RE: How do you explain being a sub? - 1/4/2006 3:19:02 AM   
markmjs


Posts: 18
Joined: 12/30/2005
From: Coventry, England
Status: offline 		i agree with ther posts, being submissive is highly personal, you make it what you want, you shouldnt really have to explain yourself, but ive found it tricky to deal with it myself, so how could i explain to other people what its like?????

people should take you for who you are



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Mark :)

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RE: How do you explain being a sub? - 1/4/2006 6:33:11 AM   
typesgirl


Posts: 102
Joined: 10/17/2004
Status: offline 		You've already received so many thoughtful posts but I'll add my two cents worth.

I've only ever had to explain my reltionship to one person, my sister. I explained it to her within the confines of typical relationship difficulties and how a good D/s relationship really does solve most of them:
- Excellent communication ALWAYS
- Sexual fulfillment, i know that Master knows what i want before i do and he's dedicated to my satisfaction
- Personal growth: both Master and i are dedicated to each other's growth and that's in and out of the bedroom
- Discipline and focus: life is hectic, we all have so many things to get done. I find that subspace focuses me for the rest of my life's demands
- Trust: D/s relationships have a level of trust that most vanilla relationships can't even touch
- Bond: Master and i bond over our experiences together. i also think that the somewhat secretive nature of D/s gives you a tight bond,something that you and your Master share that others outside cannot be a part of. You're more than just a couple.

When I explained my relationship with my Master to my sister she totally understood what I was saying becuase she has had faulty relationships in the past and understood that i have found the solution to all those problems within a D/s framework. Nevermind that it fulfills all my kinks :)

Hope this helps!

typesgirl

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