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grounding - 1/5/2009 7:35:46 AM

OmegaG

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I blew up the other day at M'Lord, part of it had to do with him using a phrase that hits my hot spot, but I think on a deeper lever that part of the basis for my emotional explosion is that for 90% of the time our relationship belies any M/s dynamic. He isn't huge on protoclol and neither does he have to make all the decisions all the time, and I'm not really complaining about that. But life happens and it could be days between any semblence of what our relationship really is.

I asked him later if we could have something that I would do on a daily basis (I mentioned asking permission to get into bed to sleep at bedtime) that would ground me, to kind of remind me that this relationship is different then the relationships in the past-- maybe to break me of past habits? I'm still pondering it.

The nearest analogy I can think of is that when you choose to own an exotic pet, you have to spend regular time reminding that pet that it is owned, not a wild animal.

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Sex without pain is like food without taste.
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RE: grounding - 1/5/2009 7:49:59 AM

colouredin

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I know the feeling Omega, eventually it helped ruin my last relationship, it was D/s i name only. Its a hard subject to broach though I find. What was the reaction? Is he going to do what you have asked?

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RE: grounding - 1/5/2009 8:37:41 AM

OmegaG

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he said that if it was important to me that he'd think of something.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 3

RE: grounding - 1/5/2009 8:49:08 AM

jakelogan01

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rituals, either simple ones like asking for permision or more sophisticated ones serve that purpose, and also objects such as collars or body jewelery, or for some body modifications. it's good that you guys are looking for what works for you

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 4

RE: grounding - 1/5/2009 9:04:32 AM

natasha66

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From: NJ
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I am one who likes having a daily reminder, so we set up some daily rituals to help remind me that i am His (not that I really need them lol). I won't go into what they are here, but they do serve their intended purpose, as well as keep me grounded.

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Collared June 4th, 2008
Love is giving him the power to destroy you, but trusting him not to.

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RE: grounding - 1/5/2009 9:35:29 AM

CatdeMedici

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My grandmother used to say there was "safety and counsel" in structure and routine. Its something I live by, something instilled in My UM--we all need grounding at times, else I think we flit and flee about abit too much. I am a firm believer in protocols and daily routines, not because I am an arrogant self centered Dominant but because it is a constant reminder of the dynamic, the relationship, whatever you want to call it--and I as well have My routines to make sure I attend to the daily reminders, so it to Me isn't just one way, its two way.

It's no different than having UM's-protocols provide structure and safety and security. IMHO.

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RE: grounding - 1/5/2009 10:49:17 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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It all depends on what your particular plant needs. Yes, all relationships need to be nurtured and attended to by all involved. That's the easy part.

The hard part is finding the compatibility so that those involved feel fulfilled with the nuturing and attention that IS provided. Many Ms relationships are just as yours and they are thriving. That doesn't mean you are bad Msers, simply that your plant needs different food. Personally I see your story as a great triumph- you communicated an issue, presented a possible solution and he is considering the options and taking the overall fulfillment of the relationship into account.

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RE: grounding - 1/5/2009 12:28:28 PM

happypervert

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quote:

He isn't huge on protoclol and neither does he have to make all the decisions all the time, and I'm not really complaining about that.

I'm the same way, and I can also see why he may have held off on putting more routine into your life -- such stuff makes more work for him to monitor and enforce and also presents opportunities for you to fail if something from real life gets in the way. So while I agree with the usefulness of having routine to keep a submissive grounded, running through a list of options also involves a "what if" analysis to make sure it produces a positive result for both -- any idiot can pull a dumb idea out of his ass that ultimately causes nothing but problems.

Anyway, I do a fair amount of "I'll think of something" too, so now you've got an idea of what's probably behind that.

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RE: grounding - 1/5/2009 1:46:42 PM

starshineowned

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From: Texas
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Greetings..

I agree that to a point some sort of something is needed to remind you both of the difference of bond which brought you together in the first place. I hear all the time from Masters and slaves alike that they don't need a collar or this or that to know who they are and where they stand..and in a way I do understand that mentality but for me personally it had to be a mindset by means of their being something different about the dynamic in order to establish that mentality to begin with, and from time to time because society constantly pushes me to return to vanilla ways and mindset..a reminder now and again is needed, and desired.

I also understand that communication of needs is of vital importance between both and both have a responsibility towards the dynamic..however, this is just one of those area's that for me personally..if I have to ask for something because I'm feeling lost or out of sync ..then I'm in a way more intune with me, monitoring me better, and ultimately mastering myself. My take firmly embedded is my priority in life is Master, and if I have to make myself that priority to function in order to fulfill making him the priority..something is amiss. It is a trust issue that each of us are putting our umph where it belongs in order to live as we wished to begin with. Thus far it has not been a problem.

starshine

< Message edited by starshineowned -- 1/5/2009 1:47:19 PM >

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RE: grounding - 1/5/2009 3:16:33 PM

heartfeltsub

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i recently asked for something similar some protocols to help me "feel" the D/s relationship. A lot of my request came from the fact that my Dominant lives in VA (which i get back to about one to two weeks a month) and i live in NV or am on the road with my job. And it really helped me feel connected to Him. He implemented a couple of different things, but the one that has meant the most is for each night before i go to bed, i am to kneel down and think about the fact that i was in His thoughts that day, whether W/we had a chance to talk, text, etc. or not, He thought about me and was glad that i am in His live. That has really meant a lot to me.

heartfelt

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Post #: 10

RE: grounding - 1/5/2009 3:25:46 PM

mc1234

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quote:

ORIGINAL: starshineowned
if I have to ask for something because I'm feeling lost or out of sync ..then I'm in a way more intune with me, monitoring me better, and ultimately mastering myself. My take firmly embedded is my priority in life is Master, and if I have to make myself that priority to function in order to fulfill making him the priority..something is amiss. It is a trust issue that each of us are putting our umph where it belongs in order to live as we wished to begin with. Thus far it has not been a problem.

While I do see your point, I wonder whether this has something to do with the type of relationship it is - if the couple lives together or separate. If they live separate, it's more difficult to stay perfectly in tune with someone, if in fact, it's ever possible for someone to know me better than I know myself. I'm not so sure that I 'buy into' the idea of his knowing me better than I know myself, even though he may know my moods, emotions, etc. - even if we did spend 24/7 together (impossible!)

I think it's much better to open my mouth and say 'something isn't right' and to discuss it. Omega, I know the feelings you're having. I was in a relationship where I struggled to be heard that something was off, but either I couldn't communicate it well enough, or he wasn't listening (probably a combo of the two) and the relationship fizzled. I'd much rather fix than fizzle.

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RE: grounding - 1/5/2009 5:53:15 PM

starshineowned

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quote:

I'm not so sure that I 'buy into' the idea of his knowing me better than I know myself, even though he may know my moods, emotions, etc. - even if we did spend 24/7 together (impossible!)

Somewhere I think this particular area is a fine line. With me it is more a statement of emphysis that I do trust that he knows me better in the area to which brought us together..the M/s aspects. I'm quite capable in seeing and monitoring myself in the day to day intrim or normalitys but as for the M/s aspect..If his mastery is to have a purpose then he's got to know me better than I do in area's that pertain to that.

Hope that makes sense. It is really difficult to explain as again I see what your saying and for me it is a fine line.

starshine

_____________________________

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." --Abraham Lincoln

(in reply to mc1234)

Post #: 12

RE: grounding - 1/5/2009 6:18:04 PM

mc1234

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quote:

ORIGINAL: starshineowned
Somewhere I think this particular area is a fine line. With me it is more a statement of emphysis that I do trust that he knows me better in the area to which brought us together..the M/s aspects. I'm quite capable in seeing and monitoring myself in the day to day intrim or normalitys but as for the M/s aspect..If his mastery is to have a purpose then he's got to know me better than I do in area's that pertain to that.

Hope that makes sense. It is really difficult to explain as again I see what your saying and for me it is a fine line.

Yes, it does make sense, thanks - and yes, when you narrow it down to the M/s aspects of myself, I would hope he would know me as completely as humanly possible, because that would mean I'd have been open and shared all of myself with him.

It is a fine line, I agree.

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Post #: 13

RE: grounding - 1/5/2009 6:30:23 PM

Ph0enixF1re

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OmegaG,
for similar reasons, I have to spend some small amount of time thinking of ways to keep my girl "grounded." Not because those little rituals are important to me (although the feelings they inspire are) but rather that she needs them to maintain her balance. Here are a few:

always crawl in the bedroom, daily cleansing rituals in the shower, alarm clock is four quick light belt strokes, she eats lunch on her knees by the dog bowls...etc.

I think that your needs are common. Real life has a way of intruding. A Domme freind of mine has remarked that a relationship of our type is about so much more than sex and you have to balance things...the dynamic with what is realistic.

It helped me, from the Master point of veiw to have it explained very clearly the confusion that I caused by acting to much like a "boyfreind/husband."

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 14

RE: grounding - 1/6/2009 6:18:06 AM

kyraofMists

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One of the things that I do when our life starts feeling too mainstream is list out all the things that I do on a daily basis that are a direct reflection of his authority in my life. At first I did it on paper and would come up with at least two pages. Now I do it in my head and most of what I think of are not rituals or even what most would consider protocols.

I think there is nothing wrong with asking him to set up a ritual that will generate certain emotions or a specific headspace for you. However, I know from experience that most likely that ritual will become 'normal' and may not give the same warm fuzzies that it did in the beginning. This is what happens to me when certain behaviors become a daily practice; they become a normal part of day to day life and it stops feeling like something different. This is why when I start thinking that we are just like any other normal couple (that consists of three people) I mentally reflect on all the ways that we are actually very different than most couples.

Knight's Kyra

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"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

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RE: grounding - 1/6/2009 8:07:43 AM

mc1234

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kyra, I wonder also whether the fact that even a new ritual becomes normal points to something that I find true for every relationship I have - things need to be kept fresh, even if it's something as easy as a new play toy or something more involved like a new ritual. Or just sitting down and reminding yourself of what your relationship consists of - it doesn't have to be energy from the other partner (or partners!), it can come from within too - a renewal of sorts as you described.

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RE: grounding - 1/6/2009 8:57:08 AM

GabrielleSlave

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From: in servitude
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Just wanted to say thankyou for this thread. i was starting to feel today that my relationship with my Master had become a little too vanilla for my liking. But, having read through this thread, i realise that it is anything but and that my attitude needs some adjusting. Because of this thread, i have just texted Him to thank Him for one particular thing that is part of His guidance, but has for me become so normal and routine to me that i don't notice it anymore. When i realised this, i was compelled to think of all the other things that He has set down, informally over the past two years. i am an ungrateful slave at times...

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Post #: 17

RE: grounding - 1/6/2009 5:10:09 PM

BRNaughtyAngel

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I have a feeling that most of us are in relationships with dominants who are more laid back about the whole M/s dynamic, and the dominants who are sticklers for daily dominance displays are more the rarity.

Sometimes we need our leash tugged. Sometimes we need it held much tighter. I think this is a very common thing for submissives. It's very comforting and it gives us that feeling of connectedness.

My Master and I don't live together, although we are together a good bit, so after I asked Him about a daily ritual, He came up with a texting schedule which doesn't exactly evoke warm fuzzies, but it does make me pause and think of Him at those moments. We also have a ritual we perform before we play, and something I am required to do before we are intimate.

When I am feeling the need for more overt displays of His authority over me, I ask permission for more things, and not just things I am required to ask about. I think this pleases Him.

(in reply to GabrielleSlave)

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RE: grounding - 1/6/2009 6:34:12 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

One of the things that I do when our life starts feeling too mainstream is list out all the things that I do on a daily basis that are a direct reflection of his authority in my life. At first I did it on paper and would come up with at least two pages. Now I do it in my head and most of what I think of are not rituals or even what most would consider protocols.

I think there is nothing wrong with asking him to set up a ritual that will generate certain emotions or a specific headspace for you. However, I know from experience that most likely that ritual will become 'normal' and may not give the same warm fuzzies that it did in the beginning. This is what happens to me when certain behaviors become a daily practice; they become a normal part of day to day life and it stops feeling like something different. This is why when I start thinking that we are just like any other normal couple (that consists of three people) I mentally reflect on all the ways that we are actually very different than most couples.

Knight's Kyra

I wanted to followup on what Kyra has shared and contribute a few thoughs for people to consider.

It is not uncommon for new, fresh and exciting things today to become old hat tomorrow. Sometimes it could take years for it to happen... but sometimes it could take days! It's not a bad thing that it becomes old hat. However, there needs to be a sort of balance to be maintained and the fulcrum is going to be a different spot for each relationship. Some relationship and/or individuals are very much seeking that new, fresh and exciting things to do at a rapid pace.. while others have much lower pace to maintain the contentment of the power dynamics. I think it is important that the individuals in the relationship work to have an appreciation of what pace is best for them. I would add that this pace will also vary within the relationship as well.

Secondly..... Validation and contentment that the power dynamics is in place comes from two directions. Externally and Internally. Externally.. the Dominant or Submissive is is looking to the other to validate that the power dynamic is there and thriving. Dominant gives command and Submissive obeys will validate to each other their commitment to the dynamic and that it matters. Bringing in new, fresh and exciting things is part of that external validation. Internal validation comes from ourself. Kyra as explained the process that I taught her sometime ago when she question and seeked Validation that the Power dynamic exists. She was told to go and writed down all the things she is required to do becuase I have instructed her to it that way! It didn't take her long to realize the extent of the Authority I have over her on a daily basis. It was a rather eye-opening experince for her and even amusing to me, becuase in the beginning of our relationship she had alot of fear of being able to adapt and transfer the authority that she believed she wanted to do. It happen before her eyes and she didn't even see it!. In my opinion... this is another balance that needs to be maintained. I think that External validation to each other in the relationship is very important... but it can't be given at the expense of Internal validation processes. I believe that for a healthy relationship.. the individuals need to be able to internally validate the relationship they are in. Kyra and Alandra before her... went through that process.... and before they did... I went through that process. Yes... I think it is important that Dominants also internally validate their relationship. It really isn't a Dominant or submissive thing.... it's a human kinda thing.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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Post #: 19

RE: grounding - 1/7/2009 6:14:02 AM

Vinmier

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My Lady and I are not wrapped up in protocol. Other than calling her 'Lady', the only other protocol is one that I requested before we met in real life. I kneel at her feet every morning, leaning my head against her thigh. Simple as it sounds, it has a great deal of personal meaning to me. If you seek something to keep you grounded, find something that has meaning to you. Something that will not quickly become 'going through the motions ad nauseum'.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 20

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