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Asking A Dom/Master to define themselves - 1/3/2006 10:12:28 PM

Gomez

Posts: 51
Joined: 12/30/2005
Status: offline

Was asked in another site by a Dominatrix what I was like as a Master/Dom. It kind of threw me as it had never been asked of me before from another Dom/Mistress. I did ask a close friend of mine who is also a Dominatrix what her opinion was, to which she sent the following reply...

quote:

Tish

For another dom to ask how you would define yourself or another dom to do so ,

This would seem to show that they are unsure of there own power as a master,

But for those that just have to know… you are the kind of dom that by

Actions and mannerisms alone demands respect and control, with just a look in your

Eye and tone of you voice I also sarcome to the power of a true master.....and you can quote me on that .... tish xxx

My question is this though, how would you reply to such a question posed to you by another Dom/Master/Mistress?

_____________________________

Sometimes people would rather believe in a lie as its a lot easier and less complicated than the truth!

Post #: 1

RE: Asking A Dom/Master to define themselves - 1/3/2006 10:54:46 PM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gomez

My question is this though, how would you reply to such a question posed to you by another Dom/Master/Mistress?

I'd answer it with a polite, brief description of what my values are, my general "style" and my approach to the lifestyle. I wouldn't sit there worrying what the motivation of the other person was, I don't really give a damn. Maybe they admire me an want to know how I do what I do. Maybe they're just trying to make friends and wondering if I'm someone they might have some common ground with. Maybe they're an asshole looking to start something. Doesn't matter, whatever it is they want, when it becomes clear I'll deal with it however the situation requires. But I don't really give a damn what their motivation was for asking. I'm not going to make idle speculations about them being insecure or any other such thing if the actual letter doesn't clearly indicate it.

And for what its worth, if I asked that of another dom and the answer I got back was some BS about how their mannerisms and voice bespoke such power others felt compelled to subcomb to them... I'd write them off as a wanker.

Someone asks you a question, give them an honest answer and then watch what they do with it. Don't worry about their motives, that part usually makes itself evident soon enough.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to Gomez)

Post #: 2

RE: Asking A Dom/Master to define themselves - 1/3/2006 11:08:31 PM

Wolfie648

Posts: 600
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

For another dom to ask how you would define yourself or another dom to do so ,

This would seem to show that they are unsure of there own power as a master,

I would say that to ask the question is provocative not indicative.

To have the need to anwer it is also interesting. And we have all done it (ok maybe not all of us but a good portion).

Where does that leave us? Learning human beings.

D (owner of j).

_____________________________

Possibly.

(in reply to Gomez)

Post #: 3

RE: Asking A Dom/Master to define themselves - 1/3/2006 11:46:07 PM

JohnWarren

Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gomez

Was asked in another site by a Dominatrix what I was like as a Master/Dom. It kind of threw me as it had never been asked of me before from another Dom/Mistress.

Sounds to me like a legitimate question. I know I've been asked similar questions a lot. Some are of the micro variety (How do you manage to do X safely?) and some are of the macro variety (What is your philosophy as a dominant?)

A few times they've turned into ambush debates, but that the nature of some people. Mostly they were honest questions. Sometimes they led to a dialogue; sometimes the answer was satisfying and sort of ended it.

I've never felt the kind of reaction shown by your friend in the latter part of your post.

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to Gomez)

Post #: 4

RE: Asking A Dom/Master to define themselves - 1/4/2006 12:20:50 AM

Petruchio

Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline

Being asked wouldn't bother me and I enjoy being approachable.

The few dommes I've known suggest to me that dommes are surprisingly different from male doms. Dommes seem more nurturing and of course some are chosen for their motherly rôles.

Doms (myself not included in anything negative I have to say!!!) OUTWARDLY tend to be less friendly, communicative, caring and sharing in comparison.

WAIT! Don't flame me yet! I said 'in comparison' to dommes. And of course this is my observation and not an exhaustive research project. Having said that, I have found the doms on CM far more communicative and humorous than those usually found at clubs and events. Less strutting, less need for machismo.

Also, young dommettes and dominus are usually much less sure of themselves, and of course many haven't permanently settled into a dom rôle.

So while I can't get inside the head of a domme (and even less so in the head of a subM), I can appreciate that she has other qualities. After all, they're women and I DO like women.

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 5

RE: Asking A Dom/Master to define themselves - 1/4/2006 12:56:58 AM

newflowers

Posts: 292
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline

When i am approached by a domiant who wishes to communicate with intent, i always ask such questions. What are you like as a dominant; what is your philosophy of dominance and submission and of a D/s dynamic. The response is ALWAYS enlightening. When i ask, i want a straight answer. i need to know that he knows what he thinks, what he believes, why he believes, and has the ability to aritculate his thoughts and beliefs. It is important to me. If he cannot, we have nothing more to say to each other.

If someone were to tell me that they could

quote:

by Actions and mannerisms alone demands respect and control, with just a look in your eye and tone of you voice I also sarcome to the power of a true master....

while i may be too polite to call it the unmitigated bs that it sounds like and i would not laugh out loud, i would consider this a non-answer and make the presumption that either he does not know because he has no forethought and has not done sufficient introspection, reflection, and study to know what he thinks and believes, or he is playing a game; there is also the possibility that he is inarticulate and has difficulty with clarity in the use of Standard American English.

i can quell the antics of a group of rambunctious, unruly inner-city teenagers quite a few of whom are gang members and convicts by sitting on my desk and shaking my foot or with just a look - and don't make me use "the tone." i can walk down the hallway and with a look have male students twice my size blush and stammer an apology for using swear words. i assure you, i am completely unimpressed by your masterly tone and mannerisms - that doesn't actually say anything and it means nothing that i can tell. i am not a dominant and i use mannerisms that display my power on a daily basis (and leap over tall buildings in a single bound before breakfast).

i cannot think many submissives are going to care a whole lot about what your friend says about you. what do you believe, what do you think and can you say it in such a manner that it means something coherent? If you wish to have someone put their trust in you, potentially put their life in your hands, i think you should be able to articulate why they should do so.

perhaps the response you would give to anyone who asks - dominant or submisive should be the same. i'm not certain why it matters that someone asked you such a question, but it matters that you can answer the question.

newflowers

< Message edited by newflowers -- 1/4/2006 1:00:37 AM >

(in reply to Gomez)

Post #: 6

RE: Asking A Dom/Master to define themselves - 1/4/2006 2:15:57 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

Call it modesty or whatever, but such a question would probably throw me, too! Frankly, it'd probably leave me feeling like someone was trying to trick me up or even make sport of me - and that wouldn't be a good idea....

I can't say as I've ever developed a "formal" definition of self to present or parrot back to others. While I'm conscious of how I present in a physical sense, including my own manners, standards and behaviour in general (including online), everything after that is up to the beholder to perceive and define.

I guess I define myself by my actions but I'm not my favourite topic to describe or talk about. My answer would probably be to say: "Make up your own mind, I'm just me to me - and I really don't feel the need to justify who I am to ANYONE."

Focus.

(in reply to Gomez)

Post #: 7

RE: Asking A Dom/Master to define themselves - 1/4/2006 2:54:45 AM

sweetpettjenny

Posts: 674
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline

Its no different than myself having to define me as a submissive to someone. It gives inshight about you to others.

(in reply to Gomez)

Post #: 8

RE: Asking A Dom/Master to define themselves - 1/4/2006 4:26:59 AM

ExistentialSteel

Posts: 676
Joined: 1/18/2005
Status: offline

It wouldn’t matter how you replied because the other would judge you by your actions instead. I will say that if you attempt to be this and that beyond what you truly feel yourself to be, you are wasting time looking for praise…that you can’t keep.

I’m intricately complex and not about to follow formula trappings for being a Dom. I can’t describe my Domliness anymore than I can explain any abstract word. Heck, I still don’t know how TV works.

_____________________________

For those who are like Roman Candles leaving bright trails in the night sky while the crowd watches until the dark blue center light bursts into magnificent colors and the crowd goes, ahhhhhhhhhh.

(in reply to Gomez)

Post #: 9

RE: Asking A Dom/Master to define themselves - 1/4/2006 4:37:36 AM

Jasmyn

Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline

quote:

My question is this though, how would you reply to such a question posed to you by another Dom/Master/Mistress?

That I'm a fabulous one. ;)

_____________________________

quote:

"To learn the art of submission a slave must first give up the desires that drew him to submission in the first place." Mistress Jasmyn Jan 2005.

Visit My Website

(in reply to Gomez)

Post #: 10

RE: Asking A Dom/Master to define themselves - 1/4/2006 5:45:51 AM

MsIncognito

Posts: 742
Joined: 5/24/2005
Status: offline

Just out of curiousity, would the answer be different (or at all forthcoming) if you were asked that question by a submissive?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gomez

Was asked in another site by a Dominatrix what I was like as a Master/Dom. It kind of threw me as it had never been asked of me before from another Dom/Mistress.

Edited to add: I have asked this question of Doms in the past and most likely will continue to ask it in future interaction. If the purpose of the correspondence is to attempt to determine compatibility I think this is a reasonable question. It's important to me to know if the person I'm corresponding with is the type of Dominant who focuses on micromanagement or one who enjoys a punishment dynamic, etc. Knowing what his style is (or at least what he preceives his style to be, I'll determine if his piercing gaze is enough to make me "sarcome" or not) and if it's compatible with my style of submission and what I seek in a partner. To me this is no different than being asked if I'm a "good girl" or a "brat" or if I enjoy anticapatory service or micromanagement, etc. If a person didn't ask these questions of me I'd wonder if they really knew what they were looking for. If they chaffed at answering these questions it would likely throw up at least a yellow flag for me, if not a red one.

< Message edited by MsIncognito -- 1/4/2006 5:57:05 AM >

(in reply to Gomez)

Post #: 11

RE: Asking A Dom/Master to define themselves - 1/4/2006 6:55:26 AM

liljoy

Posts: 577
Joined: 3/25/2004
Status: offline

wow when i was unattached it never even crossed my mind to ask this question. When i read this i wondered why i never did. Thinking it may have saved me some heartache.
After thinking about it for awhile i decided that the jerks would have had the right answer to that question just as they had the right answer to the other questions i asked.

In this day and age it's easy to say all the right things. Only time and actions helped me sort out the One that was right for me from the players and the Ones that weren't a match for me.
lil_joy

quote:

ORIGINAL: newflowers

When i am approached by a domiant who wishes to communicate with intent, i always ask such questions. What are you like as a dominant; what is your philosophy of dominance and submission and of a D/s dynamic. The response is ALWAYS enlightening. When i ask, i want a straight answer. i need to know that he knows what he thinks, what he believes, why he believes, and has the ability to aritculate his thoughts and beliefs. It is important to me. If he cannot, we have nothing more to say to each other.

newflowers

(in reply to newflowers)

Post #: 12

RE: Asking A Dom/Master to define themselves - 1/4/2006 6:57:16 AM

LadyKim

Posts: 191
Joined: 11/11/2004
Status: offline

Gomez,

I would have to disagree with your close friend's reply. There are as many different ways to participate in this lifestyle as there are people that venture into it. Communication is key to any kind of relationship, and asking questions is a sensational key in determining if the people involved are on a similar page.

Since we are all individuals, there are also different styles of domination. Asking someone what their idea of a dominant is only goes to finding out where that person falls on the subject or preferences. Personally, I am very confident in my role of dominant, and I enjoy myself tremendously; however, just like all submissives are not right for all dominants......... all dominants are not right for all submissives.

Some subs think high protocol must be observed at all times while others like to be able to laugh and blend bdsm with vanilla. Some people think a dominant has to wear fetish clothing whenever with the sub while others believe it is the confidence that makes the dominant not the clothes. Some subs believe a person is only dominant if they display the ability to be heartless and unfeeling while some believe a dominant should be conscious of what is going on with their sub and guide them to growing as a person and submissive. Some believe that a dominant must be selfish and cruel while others that a dominant should be able to laugh but still be strict. Some believe a dominant should not want a sexual relationship with their sub while others believe a dominant would make a submissive their sex slave. I could go on and on.

The fact is our thoughts and opinions about what we want in a person we are entering any kind of relationship is based on the experiences and ideas we have had. Experience can change those thoughts and opinions as the years go by, and we find something we THOUGHT we wanted earlier in life isn't what we really want at all.

The question the domme asked you to me appears to be someone wanting to find out if your idea of bdsm is compatible with hers. If a submissive sent me the response you friend sent you, I would think that person did not have a great deal of real life experience with the lifestyle. Though dominants will tease a sub by saying, "The dominant is always right," we are still human and not omnicient. We learn and grow as we go along much like a submissive does. Dominant means taking control........ not mind reading.

Just my two and a half cents.
MzKim

(in reply to Gomez)

Post #: 13

RE: Asking A Dom/Master to define themselves - 1/4/2006 8:59:55 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

I want to pick on a particular thought here... and this might throw the thread into a different direction... but I am not sorry for that if it does *G*

"For another Dom to ask how you would define yourself or another Dom to do so, this would seem to show that they are unsure of there own power as a Master"

This is huge piece of BS!

I ask who are Dominants going to learn from to be better Dominants..... is a submissive going to teach you? Yes we do learn things because of our submissives. But, I contend we can only learn so much from our submissives.... but it is those that walk in our shoes so to speak that best understand our issues our concerns our view points... A submissive can't understand... even one that has walked both sides of the coin... wouldn't understand the person that has only only walked one side of the coin. Our perceptions change how we think and feel.... those that are closest to your perceptions will think and feel closer to us. This says nothing of sharing particular values and beliefs as well, which also affect how we percieve things... and then our personality itself.

I find it troublesome every time I see thought patterns that Dominants are weaker or less powerful of a Master becuase they seek to learn and understand from those they consider as Peers! I very much enjoy reading the view points of Dominants in these threads... Padraig, Focus, Phoenix, John Warren ... just to name a few.... Each with different styles and personality... but each have value to add in my growth of understanding myself and have added value. I can only imagine what direct face to face contact could give over a period of time of variety of interactions or even opportunity to observe these and other individuals could bring.

It is these same thought patterns that stop Dominants from growing beyond the levels they can obtain from direct interactions with there submissives or observations of other Dominants. Sometimes as a Dominant... we need to actaully get to the direct interaction of a peer to learn, grow and jump a particular hurdle in our journey. This is not a sign of weakness or inability... rather it a sign of commitment of a person striving to be the best they can be. Understanding how a particular Dominant defines themself is important to appreciate if direct interaction is of benefit. If one defines themself in a manner that I can appreciate and relate to... then very possibly I can gain some more value of a more direct way in my growth of being a better me.

So... for those with the courage to learn.... I salute you!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Gomez)

Post #: 14

RE: Asking A Dom/Master to define themselves - 1/4/2006 10:34:49 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

If I were asked these question, I'd say that I am an empowering dominant.

When I've trained a submissive or owned a submissive, I notice they tend to become stronger individuals both in their kinkiness and in their mundane lives.

I think this is because I have a "teacher" approach. I train someone to do things as I like but after that, they are expected to service to please me, not require my orders or my directions. I "force" them therefore to be more accountable to themselves and to others, to question themselves, and to ask for information rather than make errors.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Gomez)

Post #: 15

RE: Asking A Dom/Master to define themselves - 1/4/2006 3:33:38 PM

Gomez

Posts: 51
Joined: 12/30/2005
Status: offline

All I can say is wow!!

quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag
Someone asks you a question, give them an honest answer and then watch what they do with it. Don't worry about their motives, that part usually makes itself evident soon enough.

Exactlly what I did with the person, who turned out to be someone who was masquerading (spell check pls) as a female domme but was just a vanilla. All she was doing was badmouthing everyone in the site for the "lifestyle" we were leading.

quote:

newflowers
When i am approached by a domiant who wishes to communicate with intent, i always ask such questions. What are you like as a dominant; what is your philosophy of dominance and submission and of a D/s dynamic. The response is ALWAYS enlightening. When i ask, i want a straight answer. i need to know that he knows what he thinks, what he believes, why he believes, and has the ability to aritculate his thoughts and beliefs. It is important to me. If he cannot, we have nothing more to say to each other.

This is what I was after as a responce. I haven't been asked before and I was curious if other people had been asked the same question. I did answer the questions she did pose (all beit she had alterior motives) as honestly and frankly as possible.

quote:

Focus50
I guess I define myself by my actions but I'm not my favourite topic to describe or talk about. My answer would probably be to say: "Make up your own mind, I'm just me to me - and I really don't feel the need to justify who I am to ANYONE."

Wish I had of said that though, as I feel thats probably the best responce I have could have said at the time. But as other people have said, I am and always learn more and more as time goes on. We never stop learning and growing in ourselves. I think Knight of Mists summed it up well by saying...

quote:

It is these same thought patterns that stop Dominants from growing beyond the levels they can obtain from direct interactions with there submissives or observations of other Dominants. Sometimes as a Dominant... we need to actaully get to the direct interaction of a peer to learn, grow and jump a particular hurdle in our journey. This is not a sign of weakness or inability... rather it a sign of commitment of a person striving to be the best they can be. Understanding how a particular Dominant defines themself is important to appreciate if direct interaction is of benefit. If one defines themself in a manner that I can appreciate and relate to... then very possibly I can gain some more value of a more direct way in my growth of being a better me.

To everyone that replied and gave their view, I do thank you for sharing your view with not only myself, but with others.

_____________________________

Sometimes people would rather believe in a lie as its a lot easier and less complicated than the truth!

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 16

RE: Asking A Dom/Master to define themselves - 1/4/2006 5:22:47 PM

ZenrageTheKeeper

Posts: 237
Joined: 6/26/2005
Status: offline

I am, as I am named, a Keeper.

I keep a slave's body bound and caged
I keep a slave's heart safe from breaking
I keep a slave's mind intrigued and thinking

(in reply to Gomez)

Post #: 17

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