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Need Advice On Dom - 1/5/2009 8:43:04 PM

boundntied

Posts: 4
Joined: 12/14/2008
Status: offline

This is a very strange post but I don't know what else to do. I am somewhat new to CM and I have met a Dom that I really like but there are a few things that make me uneasy. I am not worried about my safety or anything like that. I am concerned that maybe he could be online player or that he isn't being totally honest with me. I don't want to risk losing him if I am wrong but there a few things that keep nagging at me. Now to the strange part... I don't want to post the things that have happened here for fear he might see them and know it is me. If there are other subs/slaves that can offer me advice I would appreciate it. My profile is hidden (especially now that it links to this post) You can just post here in the forum if you are willing to give me your opinion outside of the forum. I will contact you via email on CM. This is for real. I need someone to talk to about this.

< Message edited by boundntied -- 1/5/2009 8:59:00 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: Need Advice On Dom - 1/5/2009 8:48:25 PM

StrangerThan

Posts: 1515
Joined: 4/25/2008
Status: offline

Hello, boundntied. This is Stranger Than's submissive. You may write me through his profile, if you wish. i'll reply to it.
edited to add: ignore his mean profile. It's ok.
s

< Message edited by StrangerThan -- 1/5/2009 8:49:12 PM >

(in reply to boundntied)

Post #: 2

RE: Need Advice On Dom - 1/5/2009 9:12:24 PM

mc1234

Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline

Hi, bound ... feel free to write me on the other side at mc1234 ...

_____________________________

** Owned by E **

(in reply to boundntied)

Post #: 3

RE: Need Advice On Dom - 1/5/2009 9:13:09 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

If you are typically balanced and see things that happen in life as they are realistically with little scar tissue emotionally that would enfluence you in the negative... go with that nagging feeling. Most of the mistakes we make in life, we knew before we made them that there was just some small thing.. something in the back of our minds... some 'thing' we chose to overlook that came back to bite us on the tail end. So if you can trust people without a lot of trouble... you might really be seeing something worth paying attention to.

There are a lot of players out there and some have a good game goin on. Good luck.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to StrangerThan)

Post #: 4

RE: Need Advice On Dom - 1/5/2009 9:26:56 PM

boundntied

Posts: 4
Joined: 12/14/2008
Status: offline

Thank you Lockit. There is alot of truth in what you say. Though it is difficult for me to open up and trust, there is also a part of me that has great common sense and intuition. My gut is telling me there is "something" but I really like this guy and my heart is not letting me walk away like maybe I should.

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 5

RE: Need Advice On Dom - 1/5/2009 9:34:51 PM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

If the hair on the back of your neck is up, Its probably worth paying attention to .

_____________________________

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Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to boundntied)

Post #: 6

RE: Need Advice On Dom - 1/5/2009 10:04:03 PM

GrizzlyBear

Posts: 278
Joined: 3/26/2004
From: Missoula Montana
Status: offline

Please explain "met". Have you actually met him face to face or have you just chatted online? If online only, how long have you been chatting and does he live close enough to expect to arrange a meeting soon?

Married men playing online games are extremely common. Is that one of the worries? Common symptoms are - he wants to arrange a meet, but it must be at your place, or a motel. He wants to know all about you but won't give you his phone number; or you can't call him, you must wait for him to call you; or you can't call evenings or weekends. He won't give you his home address. He won't give you his full name. He won't tell you anything about his employment.

It is only common sense to not give out this sort of information too soon, but there does come a point when it is appropriate to exchange it. It should always be exchanged, it should not be necessary for one person to do all the revealing.

If he gives you information, verify it. Any large discrepancies in the amount of personal information he is willing to provide, or failure to be able to confirm it, should be a major red flag.

Finally, ask for lifestyle references. Needn't be an ex, but no trustworthy dom should be so devoid of lifestyle friends that he can't find anyone to vouch for his character.

_____________________________

GrizzlyBear

"Come to the edge," he said.
They said, "We are afraid."
"Come to the edge," he said.
They came. He pushed them. And they flew.
~Guillaume Apollinaire

(in reply to boundntied)

Post #: 7

RE: Need Advice On Dom - 1/6/2009 5:39:15 AM

housesub4you

Posts: 1879
Joined: 4/2/2008
Status: offline

I agree with defining "met", unless you have met in person you have not "met'

I would pay attention to those hairs standing up on the back of your neck. You know the answer, if something feels wrong, chances are very high something is wrong.

And asking someone about your feelings or about feeling something is not right should not be a reason to end a anything. Asking him something you feel concerned about should not be a "risk" for losing him.

people who are honest, do not have a problem when people ask for something to be cleared up.

(in reply to GrizzlyBear)

Post #: 8

RE: Need Advice On Dom - 1/6/2009 5:53:23 AM

BondageBarbieX

Posts: 495
Joined: 4/1/2008
Status: offline

You can message me if you like

(in reply to housesub4you)

Post #: 9

RE: Need Advice On Dom - 1/6/2009 6:04:29 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: boundntied
My gut is telling me there is "something" but I really like this guy and my heart is not letting me walk away like maybe I should.

Trust your innervoice
it's not there for nothing.

B safe boundntied.

GoddezzT`

_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to boundntied)

Post #: 10

RE: Need Advice On Dom - 1/6/2009 6:18:27 AM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

Generally, if it walks like a duck and sounds like a duck, I assume that it's a duck. But I also know that I don't harbor trust issues so I can listen to my gut without second guessing.

I would say that if you can't trust your gut that you aren't doing any one any favors by bringing them into a relationship with you. Regardless of the truthfullness of your feelings, the relationship won't be healthy as you will always be second guessing his integrity.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to boundntied)

Post #: 11

RE: Need Advice On Dom - 1/6/2009 6:25:07 AM

SassySarijane

Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline

Feel free to contact me on the other side also. I will say here though just as general advice/thoughts because there's no info to tell me anything, that if you take bdsm, D/s out of the equation, how would you then react to whatever about him is troubling you?

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)

Post #: 12

RE: Need Advice On Dom - 1/6/2009 6:39:07 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

quote:

I am not worried about my safety or anything like that.

ok, great.

quote:

I am concerned that maybe he could be online player or that he isn't being totally honest with me.

worry or drop it.

quote:

I don't want to risk losing him if I am wrong

sigh

quote:

I don't want to post the things that have happened here for fear he might see them and know it is me.

he is a player, but you come online asking questions behind his back?

quote:

You can just post here in the forum if you are willing to give me your opinion outside of the forum. I will contact you via email on CM

this comes from a forum and I would keep it on a forum. I am not going to come chasing you to give you advice.

you either decide to become a part of a lifestyle community or you don't. If you are that unsure of being able to take appropriate care of your own conscience then honeslty why bother assuming you can make any sort of decent choice of a man at all.

Quit hiding, if you are that insecure ask him or us in the open, he is not a danger to you so you can at least do ONE.

(in reply to SassySarijane)

Post #: 13

RE: Need Advice On Dom - 1/6/2009 6:45:46 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SassySarijane
if you take bdsm, D/s out of the equation, how would you then react to whatever about him is troubling you?

This is a massivly importnat thing, often we throw our common sense out of the window for some strange reason when it comes to BDSM.

I have no doubt that you will have fine advice through the messaging system, however everyone will deal with things differantly. You have to look at what worries you and how you think you should deal with it. Ultimatly you have to live with your choice.

I always ask myself one fundemental question, am I happy? If I am then i pretty much throw everything else out, the thing is if im spending all my time worrying then i wont be happy so there is no point. You cant change people, take them at face value and dont worry about the what ifs and maybes. If your gut is telling you something is up you have two choices, ask him about it, or move on.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to SassySarijane)

Post #: 14

RE: Need Advice On Dom - 1/6/2009 2:49:10 PM

porcelain26

Posts: 181
Joined: 11/16/2007
Status: offline

Feel free to contact me if you like...though my first thought at reading your post is that if your gut is already sending warning signals chances are good there is something wrong. Even if it's not what you think it is, it's probly best to follow your instincts.

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 15

RE: Need Advice On Dom - 1/6/2009 3:09:30 PM

oceanwynds

Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline

I tend to follow my intuition, but if i am not sure if it is my intuition or just my fears, then i just sit back and observe.

One thing for me is I don't jump fast anymore, and a person is going to have to build a relationship with me before I totally trust them. Be it Ds or a 'vanilla' relationship, i don't give my heart that fast to anyone. It usually takes longer then 6 months, more like a year to build a good trust bases for me.

(in reply to porcelain26)

Post #: 16

RE: Need Advice On Dom - 1/6/2009 3:21:11 PM

fragilepieces

Posts: 416
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline

     Why not ask him?    Either you trust him or you don't, it is my belief that trusting someone is a choice.

     Honesty is such a HUGE part of this lifestyle for most people and really how honest are you?    You are posting behind his back, hiding your profile so he won't know it's you---in all honesty---if honesty and trust is so important to you lay your cards on the table and go directly to the source.    Then make your choice; trust him or don't.

       If you are unable to go to him with concerns, how stable of a relationship are you going to have.    If you are unable to trust him---how stable is that and actually how fair is it---especially IF he is being honest and you refuse to believe him anyways.

(in reply to boundntied)

Post #: 17

RE: Need Advice On Dom - 1/6/2009 5:56:01 PM

boundntied

Posts: 4
Joined: 12/14/2008
Status: offline

Thank you everyone that responsed here and that sent emails.. Many of you have been very kind and understanding. You have been able to understand that I am not trying to be deceptive or sneaky. There are a lot of players on here and I just wanted to make sure I am not being naive or missing big red flags. I genuinely don't know what to do and needed advice from others that might have found themselves in a similar situation. All of the advice has been helpful and I know I have to decide what I do next and have to be able to live with that choice whatever it is.

(in reply to fragilepieces)

Post #: 18

RE: Need Advice On Dom - 1/6/2009 6:23:00 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I'd tell him straight out that you aren't sure he's being honest with you and you need answers to the following questions. Then ask them.

If he does throw you over for daring to question him, then he wasn't being honest and losing him is a good thing.

Beyond that, read the forums and see who has posts that make you nod in agreement. Then write that person. But I do recommend writing another sub, because if you start a friendship with a dom you might well develop feelings, and if you get involved then he isn't any longer an objective sounding board.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to boundntied)

Post #: 19

RE: Need Advice On Dom - 1/6/2009 7:08:44 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

You might remember that players are players - because they are likable.

on the other hand, if you like the guy, talk to him about what is bothering you - if he is a decent guy, he shouldn't dump you like a hot spud just because you have questions.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 20

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