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feeling toppy for days - 1/4/2006 2:46:31 AM   
fwnick


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/16/2005
Status: offline 		How do I get these fantiasies out of my head?
For hours on end I think of tieing someone up and teasing them.
changing from pleasure to pain , teetering them on the edge of climax.
what can I do? I have been interested in this lifestyle for months now it is getting hard for me to control....my wife is vanilla and not into pain.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: feeling toppy for days - 1/4/2006 6:11:02 AM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline 		Well Nick, in your profile you say communication is first. Have you spoken to your wife about these desires of yours? Does she understand these desires and how they relate to her? These are the first things I think you should do. They're important to moving into the next phase of your life.

The next step after this is, IMO, is to seek out your local (or near local) scene. Now I warn you that you may have do some travel for this. I personally have to travel at least two hours in either direction just to hit a major city with a scene in it. Once you find a scene, mingle. Socialize and be friendly. Introduce yourself around and make friends. If you haven't played before, the best thing to do is talk to subs and doms that have been in the scene longer. Talk about form and techniques they liked and didn't like. Always be courteous. When you go, you'll want to take your spouse along as well. One, this well help her to not feel excluded from this part of your life, there by cutting down on jealousy, hopefully. Two it shows that you're not cheating on your spouse or hiding things from her, that she at least knows about your kinky self.

IMO, stay away from those that say "I don't play unless I'm collared" Talk to them but you should not look into getting into another commitment until you have experience under your belt.

Well, this is the best advice I can give until I'm fully awake. I'll probably look at this later and wonder what the hell I was talking about and revise thing to make more sense. Until then, good luck and happy hunting.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to fwnick)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: feeling toppy for days - 1/4/2006 6:19:53 AM   
HarleyBeauty


Posts: 23
Joined: 12/2/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fwnick

How do I get these fantiasies out of my head?
For hours on end I think of tieing someone up and teasing them.
changing from pleasure to pain , teetering them on the edge of climax.
what can I do? I have been interested in this lifestyle for months now it is getting hard for me to control....my wife is vanilla and not into pain.


Good Morning fwnick: I can tell you that I thought about being someone's pet for over 20 years and all that entails. I was in a vanilla marriage, and when I expressed my wants and desires to him, that was the beginning of the end of the marriage...... Now that I am in a different relationship, I still think about it all the time, but I found this forum to express myself.... If you dream about it, at some point you will do it. Pick your play partner carefully, and explore what is in your mind and if you truely are a dom and that pleases you, you will have to think about what direction your life is going. The relationship that I am in now is not a D relationship and although I have expressed in detail what I need, he just is not dom and I understand that he never will be.... So I am having to think very seriously about the relationship....... Follow what is in your heart and soul, or you will always want it, and life is short.... and definately too short for dreaming about a sex life or lifestyle you can not have where you are now........ Hard stuff..... Sorry could not be more help. W

(in reply to fwnick)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: feeling toppy for days - 1/4/2006 11:45:20 AM   
wolffeathers


Posts: 315
Joined: 8/6/2005
From: Clearwater
Status: offline 		First, talk to wifey.

After talking about it, she may try it out to see how it works.

Never know, she may find she likes it.

I know many that cannot deal with everyday pain, but pain from S/M they love.

Second, find a list of kink aware professionals.

If there is a problem that forms in your marriage from this, there are marriage councilors that will help you.

Third, before you hit the scene, ask questions here.

It will give you a good idea what to expect.

_____________________________

It's my way or the highway. Just happens that the highway is on my way.

~Master Wolf

(in reply to HarleyBeauty)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: feeling toppy for days - 1/4/2006 12:47:32 PM   
fastlane


Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline 		Three options.
One, cut off your head
Two and I think you'll like this one better, pay for a submissive to play with.
Three, have your wife read some books on BDSM and explain your feelings.

Good luck.....really!

Peace, Kevin



_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to wolffeathers)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: feeling toppy for days - 1/4/2006 2:48:50 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		Yep, start with talking to the missus!

For most of us, the thoughts you're now discovering are a natural evolution of self; you probably always had them in the form of suppressed fantasies etc. Point being, it's probably discovery of something you always had rather than seeking out kink through boredom etc. And suppressed or not, something attracted you and your wife to each other - she just might surprise you.... In this age of sexual "equality", it's still refreshingly surprising just how many women I've met and know who appreciate that "real men" still take charge.

Of course, you're also taking a chance with your marriage! But most vanillas will get into a little bondage and spanking etc. It's gets harder if you discover (as I did) that bondage etc was the precurser to a greater need to control her in ways other than when she's bound or just as means to a sexual end. Bondage was my Pandora's Box.

Or you can live in denial, too - many do!

Focus.

(in reply to fwnick)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: feeling toppy for days - 1/4/2006 3:41:34 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		Just curious, your inquiry generated a few questions...

How long after contacting someone do you disclose that you are married since you don't mention it on your profile? Plus or minus two weeks, or as long as you can not do so?

Is your wife aware you posted a profile?

Are you sure she doesn't have one?

Why do you feel more comfortable posing this question to this open public forum versus discussing it with someone who you made a life commitment?

quote:

How do I get these fantasies out of my head?

Replace them with consideration to your commitment.

If discussing your desires results in the termination of your relationship, the relationship wasn't on solid ground in the first place. You have an opportunity to make it so or end it; either way the result is positive if your desires are important to you. If your spouse is dominant in nature that doesn't prevent participation. Many lifestyle couples are both dominant.

Some believe that integrity and trust are essential to a lifestyle relationship. You have to bring them into the relationship with you in order to have them with someone else. Considering your current situation how attractive do you think you are? Would you limit yourself to only contacting married counterparts? How would you find them if they didn't mention their relationship commitment in their profile either?

quote:

what can I do?

Initiate actions that will give you an opportunity to achieve what you seek. Put yourself in a position to succeed. But before doing that, learn enough from all possible sources about yourself, and whether you seek the lifestyle relationship because of what it is or because it's just different.

The easiest method to experience it without the effort is with a pro-submissive. You'll get the physical experience without needing to worry about it effecting your life unless your wife finds out. But then if she discovered this thread would the result be much different?

Sorry if this injected too much reality into your inquiry.
GOOD LUCK!

(in reply to fwnick)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: feeling toppy for days - 1/5/2006 2:20:43 AM   
fwnick


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/16/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks for the advice everyone. I have talked to my wife about this several times.
I wasn't hiding that I am read BDSM books for the last year. I read them in the living room with her and in bed too. Her exact words is that "scares me". we have talked several times about how she feels and I feel. everytime I suggest trying something she says no.
Give me a few ideas on slowing bringing this into a vanilla relationship. I'm really not looking to change her into something that she doesn't want to be. She has never given it a chance either. I know she is afraid, I feel her fear, and yes we talked about that too.
all this to no avail.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: feeling toppy for days - 1/5/2006 3:14:01 AM   
Petruchio


Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Is your wife aware you posted a profile?
Are you sure she doesn't have one?


(laughing)

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: feeling toppy for days - 1/5/2006 3:27:06 AM   
Petruchio


Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fwnick
How do I get these fantiasies out of my head?
…
....my wife is vanilla and not into pain.


You're going to owe me big time, nick.

I have this vision that your wife's afraid that if she says yes, that suddenly anchor chains, hawsers, whips, and handcuffs will appear. She doesn't know what you've learned, that you need to develop experience.

What if you start very, very small, perhaps buy her some nipple jewelry.

Or, what about asking if she'd mind if you tied her to the bed.

Of, what if you pulled her across your knee for a spanking.

If she does allow you to bind her, then make it romantic, damn it. Light candles. Feed her chocolates or a favorite food. Run feathers over her body.

D/s is often more effective when it's gentle. That doesn't mean some of us don't like rough sex, but the greatest sex organ is the mind, and hers is scared.

Put pain out of your head, right now. It's not going to happen in the near future (and perhaps never from her), but if she smells it in you, it will scare her away. I commend you for wanting to make this journey with your wife, but you (and she) are going to have to take baby steps.

Finally, visit your local Borders bookstore and find the women's romance section. Don't argue now, just do it and trust me. Look for either a series of books called Secrets or books published by Ellora's Cave, if I recall correctly. I'm more familiar with Secrets is published by Red Sage. These are 'romantica' (romantic erotica) written by women for women. If you check the titles or scan their web site or Amazon.com, you'll find synopses and some of them will have BDSM themes. Buy one for your wife, gift wrap it and give it amongst her other gifts for Valentine's Day.

If she doesn't read it on her own, then buy her favorite wine (I prefer still to sparkling, but to each his own), retire to the bedroom, and you begin reading it to her, chapter by chapter. If you can please her, she'll be open to pleasing you.

If this works out, then you can pay my consulting fee.

(Actually, if after 2-3 months it doesn't work, contact me for another idea.)

(in reply to Petruchio)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: feeling toppy for days - 1/5/2006 3:51:10 AM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

everytime I suggest trying something she says no.
Give me a few ideas on slowing bringing this into a vanilla relationship. I'm really not looking to change her into something that she doesn't want to be. She has never given it a chance either. I know she is afraid, I feel her fear, and yes we talked about that too.


For one, you can always reasure that you would never do anything that would cause harm to her. Other than that, I'm not sure what all you have been suggesting. Two of the most common things to try to get things started are blindfolds and dirty talk. If there's a "No!" for that, then how rough are you able to make the sex involving biteing, hair pulling, aggressive thrusting, and falling on to the floor continuing to FUCK like tazmania devils? Have you ever been able to have her use a vibrator? Have you ever read a Karma Sutra book together?

If you gave her a spanking, would she call 911 and file abuse charges? What about if and when you force her to kiss you? Have you ever been able to take away any of her prevliges financial/fun wise? What do you do or say if and when chores don't get done?

Do you ever tease her to make her horny? Try giving her oral sex but stop each time she's about have an orgasim. After driving her crazy with that a few times, pin her down and fuck till she cums and more. Another thing you can do is try making out first thing in the morning. But don't let it go to far because you have to get ready for work. This can cause her to be horny throuhout the whole day where she can't wait for you to home and make here your horny bitch.

To help get things going a little freaky try starting off with

1. Blind Folds

2. Vibrators

3. Karma Sutra

4. Rough Sex

5. Teasing about orgasims

6. Whip cream and strawberries.

Before to long, some taps to the ass and a little bondage is bound to follow. When you get the "That scares me" reply back with "I know, and it's arrousing at the same time. I love you and I want to keep fresh ideas for our love life. After all, we're married and there's nothing wrong with us being a little kinky."

Other than that, even if things do not get all that kinky, you can still be dominant over most things. Being assertive is a major factor in telling her how it's going to be in and out of the bedroom. When it comes to being assertive and confidnet, two figures/role models come to mind. They are Clark Gabel with Gone With The Wind and John Wayne in McClintock. It's not that I act exactly like these two but they can be good ego boosters and remind you about taking control of your relationship. It's the idea of being a "Real Man" rather than giving the "You complete me." bullshit.

Give these ideas a go and report back in March.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to fwnick)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: feeling toppy for days - 1/5/2006 5:56:51 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Petruchio.
I have this vision that your wife's afraid that if she says yes, that suddenly anchor chains, hawsers, whips, and handcuffs will appear. She doesn't know what you've learned, that you need to develop experience.

I completely agree.

My advice is more simple, when you're having foreplay next time, get aggressive, grab the hair at the nape of her neck, bare her neck, lick and nibble on it, then move your arms over hers and press them down against the bed (give her some room to maneuver so she won't be too overwhelmed and feel completely out of control).

And then continue with the regular sex. Afterwards, give LOTS of cuddles and snuggles. Hopefully you can even TALK about it in a day or two. With any luck, this can be a great step towards awesome bedroom kink.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Petruchio)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: feeling toppy for days - 1/8/2006 3:29:43 AM   
fwnick


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/16/2005
Status: offline 		thanks again for all the great Ideas some I have already tried.
I beleive it is up to me and I have alot of work to do.
I really do appreciate the time and thought you have put into this for me.
fwnick

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 13
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