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How to make subs feel welcome - 1/4/2006 1:54:11 PM

JFRX

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/9/2005
Status: offline

I am currently working on creating events so that my local bdsm community may meet on occasion. From experience, I know that subs may often feel intimidated in attending live events.

Does anybody have an idea how to make them feel welcome and diminish the intimidation factor? Any idea is welcome...

Thanks in advance,

Maitre Link

Post #: 1

RE: How to make subs feel welcome - 1/4/2006 1:55:17 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Have a welcoming/buddy system. When someone shows an interest, designate someone as their "buddy" to meet them at the door or a few minutes beforehand and act as their host for the first event, just someone to ask questions to or show them the lay of the land.

I think you should do this with every new person who comes.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to JFRX)

Post #: 2

RE: How to make subs feel welcome - 1/4/2006 3:35:53 PM

Notanaddict

Posts: 100
Joined: 12/18/2005
From: Sydney
Status: offline

Albatross

Thats an awesome idea!! I know it would make me feel heaps better!! I'v eonly been to hellfire, which is a pretty low key open fetish nite at a club in sydney, but i know it helped me heaps that I went with someone who had been before...

I was very very nervous about it, but had an awesome time.. and found, to my suprise , that the fetsihfolk were much easier to relate to in a club than any other club i had been to..

Maybe an idea to have some "rules" and maybe orientation beforehand for the newbies?
guess it depends what sort of night it is.. just social?

_____________________________

Killing under the cloak of war is nothing more than murder.

albert einstein

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 3

RE: How to make subs feel welcome - 1/4/2006 6:19:58 PM

newflowers

Posts: 292
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline

What a very cool idea. i have been two three munches and it was terrible. the minute my friend and i walked through the door, the wolves began to circle. i have always wanted to go to a bdsm club, but the munches were enough to stop me.

i was im'ing with someone the other day and asked a question which led to just general getting to know you chat. he said to me, "i've never spoken like this with a sub before." my response was, "what, like she is a person?" and we chatted more - like two people getting to know each other.

a buddy system seems a fab idea - it would help ease the jitters, be a welcome wagon, a haven of initial protection - i think it is a smashing idea.

good luck.

newflowers

(in reply to JFRX)

Post #: 4

RE: How to make subs feel welcome - 1/4/2006 7:01:32 PM

JFRX

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/9/2005
Status: offline

What a fantastic idea, I agree. Wow!! thanks. Any other ideas? I'm all ears.
Maitre Link

(in reply to JFRX)

Post #: 5

RE: How to make subs feel welcome - 1/4/2006 7:03:25 PM

JohnWarren

Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Have a welcoming/buddy system. When someone shows an interest, designate someone as their "buddy" to meet them at the door or a few minutes beforehand and act as their host for the first event, just someone to ask questions to or show them the lay of the land.

I think you should do this with every new person who comes.

Libby and I set this up at BDS. We matched new people with members of the same orientation and same sex (if they were hetero; gays got opposite sex) It wasn't a "joined at the hip" sort of thing but they would be introduced around and their escort would remain handy if support was desired.

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 6

RE: How to make subs feel welcome - 1/4/2006 11:28:54 PM

LaMalinche

Posts: 2077
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnWarren

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Libby and I set this up at BDS. We matched new people with members of the same orientation and same sex (if they were hetero; gays got opposite sex) It wasn't a "joined at the hip" sort of thing but they would be introduced around and their escort would remain handy if support was desired.

I just have to ask, what if they are bi? Do they get one of each?

LaMalinche

--------------------------------------------------------

Some people move in lesbian circles. I move in bisexual dodecahedrons.

-Anon

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 7

RE: How to make subs feel welcome - 1/5/2006 12:38:38 AM

Petruchio

Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline

I attended two different BDSM facilities in Columbus, Ohio.

One was an offshoot of a night club, and it was all business. People were on their own, and mixing was a chore, expecially if you had no idea of who was with whom.

The other was a two story building that seemed to be run by women, at least that was my impression. They were open, courteous, and asked attendees if they could be of assistance or answer questions. They even graciously extricated me from an embarrasing situation with a sub whom I didn't know was owned.

While they had a dozen rooms (and a playpen), they tended to separate male and female subs, which I appreciated– it's hard for me to grok sub-Ms. Switches wandered back and forth.

To avoid the mistake I made, I would have suggested some kind of matchmaking device or even a simple indicator as to who was free and who wasn't, but all in all it was pretty well done.

(in reply to JFRX)

Post #: 8

RE: How to make subs feel welcome - 1/5/2006 3:52:31 AM

veronicaofML

Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline

to feel welcome?

make sure there are no snotty dommes or holier than thou doms.
nothing turns blood colder than bad people.
i like the idea already made, a welcoming persons(s)...
set out/set up..drinks...food...if it is there....
outline sitting areas
smoking areas.
etc etc etc
now THIS is a good topic.

_____________________________

drugs sex and rock n roll,...drugs are good and so is the rock n roll, sex is over rated"
=============
"go straight to hell, do not pass go and do not collect $200"

(in reply to JFRX)

Post #: 9

RE: How to make subs feel welcome - 1/5/2006 9:21:43 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

3 words

chocolate
chocolate
chocolate

if that doesn't make 'em feel welcome....nothing will!!

(in reply to veronicaofML)

Post #: 10

RE: How to make subs feel welcome - 1/5/2006 2:45:30 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Does anybody have an idea how to make them feel welcome and diminish the intimidation factor? Any idea is welcome...

Nope, no ideas. After reading the idea's in this thread I still have no ideas. I run a BDSM group myself. Getting female subs to come to any function is rough if they don't have someone to come with.
When I first entered the public scene one of the group's had the buddy system. Really didn't work. Primarily because those people used to wander off, even though they were supposed to be a buddy.
I guess if you could get them to take it seriously it may work.
What has worked for other groups in the past is have a fem sub support group. Then they can converge on a munch or party in a pack sort of atmosphere.
Even though I am female I've never had much success in connecting with other females. I like to do the things men do and I like to talk about the things men talk about.

(in reply to JFRX)

Post #: 11

RE: How to make subs feel welcome - 1/5/2006 5:19:05 PM

HoosierScorpio

Posts: 164
Status: offline

If you are talking having a munch the best way is to make it safe for them be able to go so they do not get hit on. when subs/slave attend them and they are know they are like fresh meet to sharks. Going to your first place can be very scary for any one and what you could do is pare them up with a sub who has been in the lifestyle for a long time. I have talked with so many over the years about attending munches they always say they do not like going alone and there is no one they know there. They are too shy to talk with people so they like to be quite. You need to welcome them at the door and introduce them to people. Some may hate being the center of the attention but at least people will know them.

(in reply to JFRX)

Post #: 12

RE: How to make subs feel welcome - 1/13/2006 9:50:34 AM

spoiledbrat

Posts: 75
Joined: 7/3/2004
Status: offline

I have a though, I do not know if it is a good one but here it goes.

Anyone new that goes to any type of meeting or group get together always feels out of place cause they more or less do not know anyone. So why not have the newcomers meet 30 minutes before the scheduled meeting so that all arriving first do not know anyone and there fore they are there to greet the regulars and feel like they are already part of the group.

Just a thought.

_____________________________

Love Always
Me
Spoiledbrat

Like our Favorite Black Dress
Character
Never goes out of style

Autumn
Spoiledbrat

(in reply to JFRX)

Post #: 13

RE: How to make subs feel welcome - 1/13/2006 10:32:08 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

So why not have the newcomers meet 30 minutes before the scheduled meeting so that all arriving first do not know anyone and there fore they are there to greet the regulars and feel like they are already part of the group.

That actually sounds like a really good idea.

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to spoiledbrat)

Post #: 14

RE: How to make subs feel welcome - 1/13/2006 11:21:20 AM

twistedpyxie

Posts: 19
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline

The idea of getting newbies to come along a while before sounds like a really good one to me.

I used to help run a youth group for lesbian and bi women in my city. We had a lot of success with the 'buddy system' that we devised for it. We had a good message board, which was where we normally contacted people. If someone wanted to come along but was nervous (which the vast majority were- a lot of them were just beginning to come out, which can be incredibly tough, and walking into a clearly-signposted lesbian centre is pretty terrifying when you're at that stage), we'd offer to meet up with them an hour or two before the main meeting, in a neutral place, for coffee or a pint (depending on age and preference). There'd always be at least two, ideally three, of us going along to meet them. That way, they'd get to have a chat, get to know us in an informal and non-queer setting. It was also important that there were two or three of us there. Firstly, from a safety point of view- when meetiing strangers it's good to have at least two. Also, from a comfort point of view. In a small group of people who are comfy with each other, the newbie would be likely to feel under less pressure then in a one-on-one situation. We were also a pretty diverse bunch, so getting a couple of us to go along meant there was a much higher chance of someone 'clicking' with the newbie and getting along with them- and having someone you feel comfy chatting to is always good. (Of course, we had pretty strict rules about chatting being all that went on while they were still newbies!)

It worked very, very well. People who had never met other LBT girls before, got to hang out with a few of us, and be reassured that we were not, in fact, scary lecherous monsters like their mother had told them. If they wanted to go to the meeting (and we never pressured anyone to!), they didn't have to walk in that door on their own- they had support, even if just in the form of people walking in there with them. Even if they didn't end up going to the meeting, they'd met some people, and if they decided to go next week, there'd be some familiar faces in there.

I'm not sure how applicable this is to this situation- but anywhere there's new people, some things will be universal?

(in reply to MsSonnetMarwood)

Post #: 15

RE: How to make subs feel welcome - 1/13/2006 11:32:59 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsSonnetMarwood

quote:

So why not have the newcomers meet 30 minutes before the scheduled meeting so that all arriving first do not know anyone and there fore they are there to greet the regulars and feel like they are already part of the group.

That actually sounds like a really good idea.

BESS actually has this. We have what's known as the "Newcomers Team" which reaches out to all the new contributors and before every social meets at a restaurant nearby to meet a few of the regulars and all the new people together.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MsSonnetMarwood)

Post #: 16

RE: How to make subs feel welcome - 1/13/2006 11:58:51 AM

JohnWarren

Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsSonnetMarwood

quote:

So why not have the newcomers meet 30 minutes before the scheduled meeting so that all arriving first do not know anyone and there fore they are there to greet the regulars and feel like they are already part of the group.

That actually sounds like a really good idea.

BESS actually has this. We have what's known as the "Newcomers Team" which reaches out to all the new contributors and before every social meets at a restaurant nearby to meet a few of the regulars and all the new people together.

I think the key is "a few of the regulars." For one thing, it doesn't help having new people all alone waiting for "the regulars" to arrive. This generally means one, two or three people most of the time standing alone in a meeting room.

Lessen the anxiety? I think that would drive it through the roof.

Also there's no guarantee that one of more of the small group of newbies won't do something that will send the others running, never to return. Look at what some people on CollarMe send with their first message. All it takes is one "I'm dominant, kneel" or one "I'm submissive I'll crawl naked for you" to ruin the experience. With trusted regulars there, there is a leavening effect.

Of course, can we trust those "regulars"? quis custodiet ipsos custodes Selecting them calls for a lot of care.

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 17

RE: How to make subs feel welcome - 1/13/2006 4:10:54 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnWarren

Of course, can we trust those "regulars"? quis custodiet ipsos custodes Selecting them calls for a lot of care.

Ahh, yes, those trusted regulars. I remember my first night at a BDSM club, one of the trusted regulars was flicking his whip outside of the play area and hit me with it, without ever speaking to me. Needless to say, some of the "regulars" have made me feel most uncomfortable.

Being introverted I usually have a difficult time in public events if I know few people. My Lord and alandra are rarely able to go with me to these events, so I am usually attending alone. Another submissive female was kind enough to "hold my hand" so to speak the first few times. It hasn't gotten any easier for me, but then public events rarely do. The best time that I remember having, outside of when I attend with my Lord and alandra, was sitting and talking with someone about statistics, university, the weather and then getting an autograph *w*

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 18

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