Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Insights and Suggestions


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> Insights and Suggestions Page: [1]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Insights and Suggestions - 1/4/2006 1:56:46 PM   
Blueridgetiger


Posts: 7
Joined: 12/26/2005
Status: offline 		Greetings to a/All and Happy New Year.
i have been in a vanilla relationship for over 20yrs and since a kid have been interested in bdsm.
Have met the inner yearnings thru Pro-Dommes, but with only one meeting that "seemed" great for u/Us both.
Have tried to rekindle the interests current spouse "HAD" in bdsm but She has turned completely away. Seems She
thinks it is "not the correct thing to do now"..... hence my seeking outside partners, but without real success.
Thinking of ending current marriage and seeking full time Partner who can put Her heart into my offering of myself;
or trying to find a real friend in the Lifestyle who will allow me to submit to Her; or just keep looking for a Prodomme who
can find enough meaning in a o/Our time together that will be meaningful to u/Us both........
This is really manifesting itself in the deepest parts of my very being - as one of You has quoted, "i would rather have 30 seconds of good times than a lifetime of bad times".... i paraphrase of course. i look forward to hearing from You All.
Thanks so much for Your time and consideration. humbly Yours in friendship - "chuck"
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Insights and Suggestions - 1/4/2006 3:31:06 PM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		IMO you need to resolve your issues with your spouse before pursuing outside interests. There are several ways this can be done. First you have to determine of what value the marriage is to you and if you wish to preserve it.

If you DO want the marriage, you can discuss your desires with her and/or seek counseling to work through this. Why has she turned away or lost interest? Be prepared to listen even if it is not what you want to hear - and maintain your commitment to her while sacrificing some of your own desires.

Or you can explain your desires and needs, tell her you love her and understand she does not wish to participate, and tell her you want to pursue some of these on your own -- but plan to remain committed to the marriage and hope she can accept that. Then deal with her reaction.

If you don't want the marriage any longer, be honest with yourself about ALL of the reasons it is no longer something you are committed to maintaining. Divorces are painful and sucky and icky, so be sure a nice fantasy doesn't lead you down a path you are not prepared for.

Do not cheat on your wife, wait until you have someone waiting in the wings, and then spring the divorce on her and ride off into the sunset for your happily ever after. Not only is it crappy, it rarely is a good long term solution.

< Message edited by Sensualips -- 1/4/2006 3:34:28 PM >

(in reply to Blueridgetiger)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Insights and Suggestions - 1/4/2006 5:03:50 PM   
DarkGardens


Posts: 2
Joined: 11/4/2005
Status: offline 		I have to agree with Sensualips, speaking from experience on this one. Don't go fishing for another till you know for certain that there is nothing left. Have you honestly spoke to your *other half* about how you have needs and dark desires? Sometimes honesty goes a very long way.
Now, from your *other half's* perspective.. why doesn't she want to be apart of the wonderful dark world of BDSM? Could it be perhaps that your spouse has had a *bad* experience and doesn't want to revisit that part of their life? There are so many reasons that could be wondering in her mind.
If there are children involved you need to also keep in mind their lives as well. So many factors, and I do understand how you feel about wanting to experience your dark gardens. :-). I too have had to make choices in life, but I have always considered how it is going to affect My world.
Cheating is not an option, and as a Domme, I wouldn't be impressed with My perspective submissive knowing that they were messing around on their spouse, afterall BDSM is very sensual, erotic, and mind blowing at times. Lots of times when having a sceen with My sub W/we are often "swept away in the moment" So cheating can very certainly pop it's nasty head up.
Be careful My friend. Take your time. Rethink your thoughts, and give your wife a chance to catch up with you.
(Here is a thought) Get some BDSM type movies, ie: The Secretary! very hot movie.. and very well done.

hugs,
Mistress Claudette (Darkgardens)

(in reply to Sensualips)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Insights and Suggestions - 1/4/2006 5:16:22 PM   
MizSuz


Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips

IMO you need to resolve your issues with your spouse before pursuing outside interests. There are several ways this can be done. First you have to determine of what value the marriage is to you and if you wish to preserve it.

<snip>

Do not cheat on your wife, wait until you have someone waiting in the wings, and then spring the divorce on her and ride off into the sunset for your happily ever after. Not only is it crappy, it rarely is a good long term solution.



Bravo on ALL points (even those I snipped). Very well said. I'm not as tactful.

To the OP - shit or get off the pot. You'll feel better.





_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to Sensualips)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Insights and Suggestions - 1/5/2006 8:57:51 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		smiles, chuck, you could have given Me credit for the saying even if you paraphrased----(teasing)

This is never an easy issue to deal with--as there is a marriage, a vanilla relationship that once had this aspect, which tells Me that for her it was not as real as you needed---however, I would go back and see what happened in life when it stopped--did it stop cold, perhaps a finding religion, birth of a child, or a promtion at work--or did it dwindle? That may tell Me she was never really in tune with you to start---but life intervenes--at the end of the day, our Life does at times takes conscious effort and commitment until it becomes the norm--I have found too that when this is introduced to a vanilla relationship, there is often fear of dramatic change and people may not feel that are equipped to manage the change--women fear they will lose their "man", men fear they will lose their "male" place in the vanilla world--its a dance on a saber to achieve the dynamic--no easy answers--many leave a relationship when the drive is so overwhelming that they cannot find happiness--others bury it...

or try to.

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 1/5/2006 8:59:33 AM >

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to Blueridgetiger)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Insights and Suggestions - 1/5/2006 9:34:59 AM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
If you feel it would not be calamitous, broach the subject of an open marriage w/wife. This way you might reach a compromise on staying together and having the opportunity to explore needs your marriage cannot meet. Keep in mind that if you want this freedom for yourself, you'll most likely have to extend it to her as well.

Many people here offer "advice" to the married to vanilla subset, and they can be quite judgmental, but I think you as the married person has to know what will and will not work in your own home. Hence, only you are equipped to make the decision about how to solve your situation in its marital context.

One point to negotiating an open arrangement is to explore what its like to love more than one person --- in the context of your wife and yourself. Can you accept and live with this, negotiate limits and boundaries, not be jealous, while also being as considerate as possible to your spouse? Nothing in our society trains us to be this way, because we are trained to think loving another is a betrayal to the original beloved, or is unloving to the beloved. So this is a major psychological and social hurdle you have to overcome.

Next, remember if you do meet someone, its unfair to compare and equate the intoxication of the new relationship and its energy to your existing one, which is not going to be infused with the same romantic quotient. Put simply, don't get stupid b/c you've found new love. Keep a balance and keep control. Don't compare apples to oranges.

I'm new at all this. I wouldn't call being married with permission ideal, because its work and stress in its own ways --- but if you can balance it, there are rewards and expanded horizons. IMO, society asks too much of marriage to sustain one's romantic/sexual impulses for the lifetime of the arrangment. Hence, compromise in this area is one avenue to extending a marriage otherwise solid in the other relationship areas.

In conclusion, you don't have to define the problem as an either-or proposition. Next, you are not be unreasonable or wrong to conclude that your wife is not all that you seek or need in life.

(in reply to Blueridgetiger)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Insights and Suggestions - 1/5/2006 10:26:53 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		I have read this response at least 20 times, sat and stared at it, taking in line by line what you have said---I think cloudboy, you have indeed eloquently written the answer to anyone in that situation, at least a lot to think about--well done!




_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Insights and Suggestions - 1/5/2006 10:50:58 AM   
Blueridgetiger


Posts: 7
Joined: 12/26/2005
Status: offline 		To Cloudboy - very sage advise. Nice to have some confirmation of ideas. i have already started the discussion concerning our differences and the need for some personal time for each of us, without putting the marriage into
jeopardy. This will take some time. There are no children. Her shifts were probably based on the fact that She was
never really into bdsm or Domination. Then She felt Her religious beliefs were in conflict with this type of "Play".
i will have to approach from the physical stimulation needs for the most enjoyable sexual encounters as well as your suggestions. Thanks for taking the time to give this your thoughts and for expressing them. Happy New Year.

(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Insights and Suggestions - 1/5/2006 10:54:46 AM   
Blueridgetiger


Posts: 7
Joined: 12/26/2005
Status: offline 		You are very Special Mistress Hathor. thank You for Your reply. i am in complete with Your thoughts
about Cloudboys comments. Process started today........... "chuck"

(in reply to MHOO314)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Insights and Suggestions - 1/5/2006 11:17:14 AM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

If you feel it would not be calamitous, broach the subject of an open marriage w/wife. This way you might reach a compromise on staying together and having the opportunity to explore needs your marriage cannot meet.


But if you broach this subject you have to be prepared for the possibilities. She may refuse to consider the subject and then you must determine if you will accept that or continue to be deceptive. She may agree in an effort to maintain the marriage, but resentment and other issues will surface in the long term. She may agree and sincerely support this option, but you will still have lots of communication and related issues to work through. She may stare at you in shock and ask for a divorce.

Be prepared to describe what it is you are seeking. Sexual relations? Nonsexual? That may impact her impression and reaction.

Whatever the outcome, there will be work involved. Maintaining a healthy relationship IS work. That is why I suggest you examine all aspects of your marriage to determine the overall value. If you are willing to dispose of a marriage based on "she has turned away" then I suspect there are other things going on as well.

quote:

Next, you are not be unreasonable or wrong to conclude that your wife is not all that you seek or need in life.


I complete agree. However, it may be considered unreasonable or wrong to lie to to a person you have made promises and commitments to, to betray them, and to cheat on them. The fact the wife does not share an interest in bdsm does not make this any more or less right or wrong.

I am of the opinion other peoples marriages and relationships are their own responsibility to make their own choices regarding. Hopefully those choices are made with careful consideration and an awareness of risk. But when one is seeking advice, I do not encourage or support deceiving a partner and seeking outside relationships as a solution.

(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Insights and Suggestions - 1/5/2006 12:05:56 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

IMO you need to resolve your issues with your spouse before pursuing outside interests. There are several ways this can be done. First you have to determine of what value the marriage is to you and if you wish to preserve it.
I agree with this completely, and in my not so humble opinion, it is imperative to determine how important your current marriage and life is to you, whether you want to hang on to it, and if you do, to be completely open and honest with both your wife and whomever you relate to in D/s about your situation, your needs/wants, so that you can avoid causing a lot of pain to a lot of people. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to Sensualips)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Insights and Suggestions - 1/5/2006 12:57:24 PM   
Blueridgetiger


Posts: 7
Joined: 12/26/2005
Status: offline 		Sunsualips - Your advise is something i feel also. i want to avoid insults, trampled feelings, and any thing that injures self esteem. Will take this step by step and sensibly. Thanks to all who have responded - thanks SO MUCH !!

(in reply to Sensualips)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Insights and Suggestions - 1/6/2006 5:56:39 PM   
LuvSponge


Posts: 109
Joined: 4/11/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Blueridgetiger

Greetings to a/All and Happy New Year.
i have been in a vanilla relationship for over 20yrs and since a kid have been interested in bdsm.
Have met the inner yearnings thru Pro-Dommes, but with only one meeting that "seemed" great for u/Us both.
Have tried to rekindle the interests current spouse "HAD" in bdsm but She has turned completely away. Seems She
thinks it is "not the correct thing to do now"..... hence my seeking outside partners, but without real success.
Thinking of ending current marriage and seeking full time Partner who can put Her heart into my offering of myself;
or trying to find a real friend in the Lifestyle who will allow me to submit to Her; or just keep looking for a Prodomme who
can find enough meaning in a o/Our time together that will be meaningful to u/Us both........
This is really manifesting itself in the deepest parts of my very being - as one of You has quoted, "i would rather have 30 seconds of good times than a lifetime of bad times".... i paraphrase of course. i look forward to hearing from You All.
Thanks so much for Your time and consideration. humbly Yours in friendship - "chuck"


"...current marriage..."

Disposawife.

Bud, you've got some work to do. Whether it's marriage (sticking it out), business (backing up your product), or just a fine "Hi, howdaya do?"...you need to gather some spine.

Not so much for you, but for whatever future you intend to have, 'cause your future looks rather bleak from my perspective.

Ya know, I had a rotten relationship (who hasn't?)...one I wouldn't wish on the worst of humanity (even you), but I can assure you (and I won't bore the readers with a full diatribe), you get what you give (not always...but I think I may possibly be the only known example of the alternative lol)...and much of what you write bespeaks of what you intend, as well as what you offer.

I wouldn't wish you on my worst.

(Said of course, in the most submissive of manner :) )

_____________________________

No matter if you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right.

(Unless of course she tells you otherwise).

(in reply to Blueridgetiger)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Insights and Suggestions - 1/6/2006 7:49:07 PM   
subtlesubie


Posts: 138
Joined: 1/5/2006
Status: offline 		"worst of humanity"?

This guy? Are you nuts LuvSponge? I'll bet you there are worse people living on your street than this poor shmoe.

And before you go LuvSponge, there is someone you need to meet. Like you he is pretentious, pugnacious, arrogant, judgemental, and probably crazy.

(S)he's right here : Dreamboat

I think you two would make a very lovely couple.

(in reply to LuvSponge)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Insights and Suggestions - 1/7/2006 4:57:46 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		I am now going to reply on Blueridgetigers behalf to a certain extent and I am sure when his errands are done he will surface to respond as well---

First of all, he never stated he had a rotten relationship--what he said was, he had a need burning within him that can no longer be quieted--it was once there with his mate, but 10 years since it has died--how does he quiet the raging need with in---Second you will note he said he had been married for 20 years, hardly a dispose a wife period of time and there was an assumption that he "dumped' his first one--she may have died for all you know... (bitterness with one's life often casts that aura on others and clouds judgement LuvSponge)

Now lastly, without revealing intimacies, I met with chuck yesterday over coffee--yes naysayers, he's real and I'm real--the conversation was extremely valuable (and we talked much of the new boy as well...smiles)---I found brt to be eloquent, tender, and passionate-- he is indeed a man of great character and strength --but the fear and rejection of who he is totally from his mate has set him adrift--for the need burns great---as we talked, we were able to determine how to rekindle anew--that is all I will say, should he choose to share, he will, I am sure.

But he left, I believe, feeling hopeful, optimistic and having met a real Domme (as we all know this site has its share of fakers) < smiles>----but at least for a few minutes he sat with someone who didn't judge him, who understood him and who was committed to helping him with his relationship--who listened and understood--as they leave for an extended vacation, he will be in My thoughts wishing them well---

yes note I said THEY--hardly a disposawife kind of man--

I am honored to have him as a new friend---for he is cut of the cloth of humanity--

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 1/7/2006 4:59:07 AM >

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to LuvSponge)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Insights and Suggestions - 1/7/2006 6:39:14 AM   
LuvSponge


Posts: 109
Joined: 4/11/2004
Status: offline 		I sit corrected :)

_____________________________

No matter if you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right.

(Unless of course she tells you otherwise).

(in reply to MHOO314)
Profile   Post #: 16
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> Insights and Suggestions Page: [1]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.078