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What shapes your policies? - 1/7/2009 12:44:19 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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Please notice in the title, that I didn't ask what shaped your protocols, but rather your policies.

As many of My originals often do, this idea came from another thread. Over the course of reading and replying to it, I had to sit back for a moment and think about the things that have shaped My policies in the way I interact with folks here. That spans the range of a cross section of the people that grace the forums. D types and s types. Male and female. Young and old.

The more I participated on the other thread, and thought more about why I have the practices that I do, I came to the sad realization that it is not the positive experiences that I have here that dictate My decisions on how I deal with others. Rather, it is the negative ones.

I've met literally hundreds of people from this site. I can sit here and honestly say that the huge majority were positive experiences. Still, it's that small number, that single digit percentile, that have had the greatest influence on the way I do things.

While this might not be a surprise to any of you who have had your own reasons for doing things the way you do, I was wondering about your comments on this?

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

Post #: 1

RE: What shapes your policies? - 1/7/2009 12:57:46 PM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
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I don't see that there's reason for sadness there, LP. What you've done is just an individual version of what society as a whole has done through history. That is, act as you'd like in your land, but place fences where they're needed to prevent the bad creatures getting into it.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 2

RE: What shapes your policies? - 1/7/2009 1:05:15 PM

eponastar

Posts: 76
Joined: 11/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Still, it's that small number, that single digit percentile, that have had the greatest influence on the way I do things.

While this might not be a surprise to any of you who have had your own reasons for doing things the way you do, I was wondering about your comments on this?

Lady Pact,

I feel you on this. Most the time I won't entertain someone who haven't followed my simple directions. It is that small percent that ruined it for the rest. I have been burned by people here. So now I am very particular about who I interview. If they don't meet the standards of my policies, then I don't entertain them.

It keeps me safe, and keeps me from wasting too much of my time, which I have precious little as a student and full time employee. Besides, the ones who did follow policy, turned out to be extremely worth while, and not something I regret. Stick to policy. Thats my motto, and don't change or compromise it for any boy or girl.

I don't make exceptions, and stop talking to the ones who ask me too. Generally I have found they are only after some easy pussy. Not a Mistress. They generally have little interest in actually submitting or bdsm. Just kinda kinky sex. Block and delete are my favorite buttons when it comes to this.

I am willing to be open to giving some one a chance, as long as it is within my "policy" if they can't follow that.... Bye Bye.

_____________________________

Its not that I hold your leash. Its not that I hold the whip. Its not that I hold the power. Its that you willingly and truly gave it to me.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 3

RE: What shapes your policies? - 1/7/2009 1:11:53 PM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
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I think it's been a process for us. In the beginning we did things completely different. But having met some, been used by some, found out how terribly incompatible we really can be with others we eventually came to our process. And yeah, it's been the negative experiences that have fueled this "need" for a process. Several years ago we wouldn't have dreamed of asking a female what she meant by "I have to shave daily", we would have just assumed she meant her legs or pubs.... you know? Never did we dream she meant her face. And when someone says "I have an occasional drink" we have to ask them to define "occasional". Negative experiences tend to stand out so much more.

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

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Post #: 4

RE: What shapes your policies? - 1/7/2009 10:09:35 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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I think what bothers Me about it is the fact that, when it comes down to the numbers, so few can effect so many. I'm not taking this from a time waster or a troll controll perspective. The "block and delete" situation is something else entirely. That's the case of where I see it as the many ruining it for the few. It's the part that makes it difficult for good submissive males and females to have to prove themselves not to be like all of the rest.

Where I'm coming from are the ones who don't fit the automatic block/delete category. These are the ones who make it harder on the Dommes, help to shape their policies, because they aren't trolls. They seem like the decent type, at least at first. We give them enough time and effort because we do think they are worth while. Just like in the situation in the thread that got Me thinking of this. I can't help but feel for the OP, because I know this experience that was posted about will be another case of the same.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 5

RE: What shapes your policies? - 1/8/2009 3:22:38 AM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
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I see what you mean. And without a shred of a doubt, negative experiences certainly do stand out more.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

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Post #: 6

RE: What shapes your policies? - 1/9/2009 7:54:13 PM

AcademyForSlaves

Posts: 712
Joined: 2/24/2006
Status: offline

It's educating getting other's opinions and seeing how others live and their beliefs. It doesn't change anything I do but instead it confirms I'm doing the right thing. It makes me MORE dominant.

_____________________________

Academy Mistresses
http://www.academyforslaves.com/home.html

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 7

RE: What shapes your policies? - 1/9/2009 10:50:54 PM

DominaSmartass

Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
I came to the sad realization that it is not the positive experiences that I have here that dictate My decisions on how I deal with others. Rather, it is the negative ones.

[/color]

It only makes sense, I mean, it's through our mistakes that we learn. Spend a year chatting with someone online only to find out he'll never meet you in real life? From now on you meet people within 2 weeks or stop talking...Get cheated on by someone because you let him keep the collarme account private? Next time you make the boy hand over all his passwords. These are not my policies per se, but this is probably the most common way that we shape our interactions with others: trying to prevent the downfall of our last relationship.

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 8

RE: What shapes your policies? - 1/9/2009 11:14:07 PM

AlexandraLynch

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Joined: 3/24/2008
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"Trust but verify".

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Just because I'm not a bitch doesn't mean I'm not perfectly capable of making sure you'll be very sorry if you disobey.

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 9

RE: What shapes your policies? - 1/10/2009 7:01:29 AM

LPslittleclip

Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline

this is dis hearting but true. i am a very helpful and trusting person and i have been burned as a result of the few taking advantage of me. i am still helpful and caring but not quite as eager as i used to be to help others. but as my father used to say don't let the bastards win. so i wont, i will be more wary, but i will be as happy and helpful as i can.

(in reply to AlexandraLynch)

Post #: 10

RE: What shapes your policies? - 1/10/2009 7:48:09 AM

ALAstella

Posts: 253
Joined: 12/3/2008
Status: offline

What shapes my policies with people? One word - Buddhism and my relationship with what we would commonly call God.

It's not the fact that I pray and meditate daily, because this is something I do for myself, but it's in the way I live. I live according to the five precepts, I follow the Eightfold Path and have done ever since I was 17 years old. The fact that I'm involved in WIITWD doesn't change this, because nothing changes in WIITWD, people are still people, people still love each other, people still seek happiness, fulfillment and pleasure, people still do things which are good or bad, sensible or stupid, honest or dishonest. All you need to work it out is awareness of reason and motivation.

We are of the flesh, we are matter, and our relationships are formed of energy, and it's a simple understanding that the energy that you project out to others comes back to you. If you project out to others negative energy, they will be negative towards you, and if you project out positive energy, people will be positive towards you.

This is how it's been for me for the past 25 years and I see no reason to change it.

stella

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 11

RE: What shapes your policies? - 1/10/2009 7:54:48 AM

T1981

Posts: 557
Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline

We are still very, very new when it comes to the context of actually meeting other people for kink minded friendships, but the one experience we had with actually meeting a couple here for dinner was wonderful. I know that every meeting won't be like that, but we were grateful to have a positive first experience, and we are both really hoping that translates into a positive play experience with this couple next weekend.

Unfortunately, because of our work schedules, it can be weeks before we can actually physically meet someone sometimes, so for me the big worry is that often people will think we are flakey when in fact, we're just busy.

< Message edited by T1981 -- 1/10/2009 7:55:11 AM >

_____________________________

"Nothing is pointless, every single thing you do resonates." -Pintsize

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Post #: 12

RE: What shapes your policies? - 1/10/2009 12:21:50 PM

ShaktiSama

Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline

I have only had one or two "bad" experiences in the course of my journey as an erotic photographer. I had two with male models, one of whom turned out to be a paranoid schizophrenic and stalked me for six-eight months, the other of which was just a lying creep. I learned a few lessons, without doubt, but these experiences didn't fundamentally change my behavior, except for helping to sharpen my instinct about who will make a good model for me and who will not.

I don't really feel guilty about the steps I take to conserve my time or energy, much less the steps I take to protect my person or my friends and family. Personally, I do not respect people who have negative experiences and do not take the time to reflect on them and try to figure out how to avoid similar troubles in the future. This is the whole point of being a sapient animal--you can learn from a mistake the first time, you don't need to repeat it. Sometimes you can even learn from OTHER people's mistakes and not have to have the experience at all.

_____________________________

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

(in reply to T1981)

Post #: 13

RE: What shapes your policies? - 1/10/2009 2:45:33 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Care to split a quick diet pepsi, Shatki? I think we're coming from different places here. I could be misunderstanding what you qualify as your viewpoint for your statement.

Where I could be misreading you is because of the terms you are using in the situation. If you're talking about a photographer/model scenario, no, I wouldn't expect you to have that many bad experiences. At the same time, I wouldn't expect you to have too much of an emotional investment tied up in that. I'm going from the perspective of it being more of a client. One client departs and another comes along. While I'm sure you have good interactions for your models, I don't see it as them wounding you in some way should they find another photographer, or just turn out to be something less than what you expect them to be. It's not like you took their hot pictures, and then find out they are some slob. (The physical equivilent to the mental/emotional one that I'm going for here.)

I'm talking more about the ones where there is an emotional investment. The ones who have actually gotten to personal connection level to where we wouldn't want a repeat experience. Can you elaborate?

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ShaktiSama)

Post #: 14

RE: What shapes your policies? - 1/10/2009 6:20:51 PM

ShaktiSama

Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline

Well, when you brought up "policies" I assumed the floor was open to discuss the rules you set for ANY contact with others that you meet in a sexually charged setting, whether it be a fetish club, a sexually oriented website, etc.. As both a woman and a photographer I navigate these settings quite often and I do have a few "policies" and ground rules for how I treat others, and allow myself to be treated.

I think the misunderstanding may be about definitions to a degree. My models are not "clients", for example. I could go pro, I suppose, if the opportunity and the motivation struck me, but going pro as a photographer would be analogous for me to going pro as a domme. My photography is not really a business per se; I'm a fine artist, and although I have had my work in juried shows and published in Denmark, there really is not a large marketplace for it. Fine art erotic photography is by definition not as commercial as porn, especially when you take on the subjects that I do.

Also, quite honestly, the dynamic between me and my models is not cold or dispassionate (unless the shoot is going very badly indeed). I rarely charge my models money for my time and skill for any reason: the exceptions are those times when they need to have exclusive control over the resulting artwork, and I will never be able to publish or display it.

In general, my approach to a photo shoot is very much analogous to a non-sexual "play-date". This is why I don't work with a LOT of models, and why I tend to obey my instincts a great deal in choosing who to shoot. Finding and meeting models for my work is a very similar process to finding and meeting potential submissives for casual play. The good and bad experiences that I have with men, women, couples etc. are very similar to the good and bad experiences one might have with people met for other low-risk sexual encounters based on a relatively light fetish. I am a voyeur, my models are exploring their exhibitionism, and I'm also exercising my creativity, my vision and my love of control--I also enjoy directing and shooting films because it hits much the same notes for me.

Possibly the best way to understand this is to look at my relationship with my current submissive, who is both my boykin and my model. I have been close friends with only a few models over the years. Have had profoundly erotic one-time experiences with a few others. But Aidan is the only model I have really been intimate with, or formed a sexual or D/S bond with. He is special in ways that all the others were not.

Anyhoo. Given that I don't really differentiate between my photographic adventures and other casual sex adventures, I find it pretty easy to correlate the policies for finding/meeting models to the policies for meeting and interacting with people in clubs and on the 'Net. I am sorry if I misinterpreted the thread, though.

_____________________________

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 15

RE: What shapes your policies? - 1/10/2009 6:29:31 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

I will agree on that, I do get some of my policies from things I've enjoyed, but most the rules and deal breakers that will be in play from now on, were from bad experiences, and what I've learned from the bad experiences.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Please notice in the title, that I didn't ask what shaped your protocols, but rather your policies.

As many of My originals often do, this idea came from another thread. Over the course of reading and replying to it, I had to sit back for a moment and think about the things that have shaped My policies in the way I interact with folks here. That spans the range of a cross section of the people that grace the forums. D types and s types. Male and female. Young and old.

The more I participated on the other thread, and thought more about why I have the practices that I do, I came to the sad realization that it is not the positive experiences that I have here that dictate My decisions on how I deal with others. Rather, it is the negative ones.

I've met literally hundreds of people from this site. I can sit here and honestly say that the huge majority were positive experiences. Still, it's that small number, that single digit percentile, that have had the greatest influence on the way I do things.

While this might not be a surprise to any of you who have had your own reasons for doing things the way you do, I was wondering about your comments on this?

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 16

RE: What shapes your policies? - 1/10/2009 7:06:43 PM

MsStarlett

Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline

Whether we are talking about talking to subs on the internet or running a business, I find the same thing to hold true... You just can't be nice to people, they won't LET you!

_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

Post #: 17

RE: What shapes your policies? - 1/10/2009 7:07:34 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Learning from my mistakes, really. I wish that I could say I had the whole process down pat, and could write a little booklet, but each disaster prepares me for the next, if you want to be dramatic about it. There's always something you didn't think of, right?

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

Post #: 18

RE: What shapes your policies? - 1/11/2009 8:41:56 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShaktiSama

Well, when you brought up "policies" I assumed the floor was open to discuss the rules you set for ANY contact with others that you meet in a sexually charged setting, whether it be a fetish club, a sexually oriented website, etc.. As both a woman and a photographer I navigate these settings quite often and I do have a few "policies" and ground rules for how I treat others, and allow myself to be treated.

Anyhoo. Given that I don't really differentiate between my photographic adventures and other casual sex adventures, I find it pretty easy to correlate the policies for finding/meeting models to the policies for meeting and interacting with people in clubs and on the 'Net. I am sorry if I misinterpreted the thread, though.

I just cut out the middle for space sake. Not that it wasn't pertinent to the idea being discussed.

First let Me say that I'm a firm believer in a thread going wherever those who participate in it wish it to go. Sometimes, the go in different directions from where the person posting the original thought intended, but that's the nature of a discussion board. Of course, you are open to interpret the thread as you see it on your end of the screen.

With that said, we are coming from two different perspectives. The original wasn't based from thoughts related to sexually charged situations. I can understand who your photography could be seen as such, since your passion is obviously displayed in your work. Instead, it was more along the lines of emotional attachment in some form. Since the idea for the original came from another thread entirely, I may not have been specific about the subject.

While I speak often about the fact that I participate in casual play, it's been some years since I've participated in casual sex. There are some that would argue that all BDSM play is sexual, and I won't get into that debate here, other than to qualify My position that the terms are separate. Just like some people don't participate in casual play because they need an emotional attachment for a scene to get them in the right head space, physical acts of casual sex don't work for Me. I'm just not wired that way.

Going on that premise, however, might have us more in agreement. A casual encounter of any kind, no, wouldn't influence how I do things in the least. By it's very definition, the lack of emotional attachment above friendship wouldn't phase Me. Sure, there can be types of consequences due to My own personal stupidity, taking unnecessary risks, or whatever but I see that differently than being hurt on an emotional level. I tend to think it is the emotional wounds that we have encountered that have a greater effect on us and have more influence in how we do things.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ShaktiSama)

Post #: 19

RE: What shapes your policies? - 1/11/2009 11:11:17 AM

ShaktiSama

Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline

*nods* I see what you're saying, LP, but if the discussion was intended to be about deeper and more meaningful relationships, I really do not have a lot of "policies". That word implies a pre-existing rule or regulation which is applied to all cases; from my point of view, one of the most consistent features of real love is that pre-conceived "rules" cease to apply. Love cannot be pursued by policy; getting that deeply involved with an individual person requires me to treat them as an individual person, not as a "man", "woman", "submissive", "dominant", yadda yadda.

Intimate relationships are the place where anyone can get the most badly hurt, always. But being badly hurt in a love relationship cannot be mended by forming a policy or a rule, from my point of view. By creating a generalization to apply to future partners, I would just be using a band-aid that kept me from having to reflect on the situation and my own participation in it, to really understand what happened and why.

I have been knocked around, certainly, but some of the pain I've suffered was unavoidable and necessary to discover who I am and what I want. I suppose I consider the lessons learned in real love to be part of my core identity, ergo not a system of rules and generalizations. But if you break it down, I suppose that "I am dominant and not submissive" is a policy of sorts, or "I am not able to enjoy pain of the emotional or physical variety in any way, shape or form" is a policy of sorts. *shrug* I can see that we use these terms so differently that communication is not being served.

_____________________________

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 20

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