RE: What does "control" mean to you?

RE: What does "control" mean to you? (Full Version)

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SassySarijane -> RE: What does "control" mean to you? (1/9/2009 5:45:19 PM)
Control means different things to different people....short answer. No one slave or sub can speak for all in telling what control means to a sub or slave, because it does not mean the same thing to all. You can get many perspectives from many slaves and subs that give you a basic understanding, but it's not a one size fits all....it's just not. As to those who agree to do things and don't, the why's are endless. Maybe they jumped in too fast, not ready for what was demanded or asked of them. Maybe the dominant started making demands too soon in the relationship for them. Maybe they need to spend time getting to know the person as well as the dominant before they are ready to or comfortable with giving over the control and accepting the demands and requests of the dominant. I know for me, any time a dominant I have just met or just started talking to begins to make demands and act like I belong to them, I have backed off and even permanently cut contact with some. Before I can surrender control of myself to another, I need to know them as a person as well as a dominant. Time needs to be taken to do that, to build trust, to develop a relationship. I do not just jump right into a D/s dynamic with someone. It's not me and not right for me, though for some it may be right for them.

mc1234 -> RE: What does "control" mean to you? (1/9/2009 7:05:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: agirl *chuffed to mint-balls* Is this good or bad? lol

Aszhrae -> RE: What does "control" mean to you? (1/9/2009 7:28:32 PM)
Being told to wear something or do something a certain way or even behavioral conditioning are types of control that I don't mind because that is part of training to serve a dominant properly. But, micromanaging to the point where control is absolute is next door to having an automaton.

DesFIP -> RE: What does "control" mean to you? (1/9/2009 8:04:17 PM)
Having to ask permission to go to the grocery store and the gas station is too micromanagement for me. I don't want to wait for him to say yes and run out of gas in the meantime. I'm not interested in him deciding if I should make meatloaf or shrimp for dinner, or pick up chicken parm heroes. Most of the stuff I do is ordinary and mundane. But it would be overly onerous to have to plan ahead that I'm going to get sick and need to get cough medicine. Instead, I just stop in and get it. You need to discuss with him what level of control is doable, and what isn't. Because if what you want isn't something he can do without resentment, then you need to rethink it or have the relationship go bad. I'm curious as to when things collide. If a coworker asks him to go out for coffee, and he needs to ask your permission, is that interfering with work or getting permission to go somewhere? His brother asks him to meet him at the sports bar to watch the big game? Family or permission. I would imagine he's defining that as family and you say he needed to ask permission. But in general, if he isn't out to everyone, they will notice him frantically texting and not being able to say yes or no to an invitation when you aren't immediately available to answer. Change the rules, don't make it so obvious to people. Just tell him he isn't allowed to have more than 4 drinks a week if you're concerned about his alcohol intake. No more than two times out if his budget's out of control. You would still have control but he wouldn't have to tell everyone that he couldn't answer them until his mistress calls him back or use whatever excuses he is using now.

agirl -> RE: What does "control" mean to you? (1/10/2009 5:31:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mc1234 quote: ORIGINAL: agirl *chuffed to mint-balls* Is this good or bad? lol *T'is good.....No idea why I typed it though as I've never liked the word chuffed.......lol*

VeryNastyDom -> RE: What does "control" mean to you? (1/10/2009 8:29:01 AM)
As stated above, control means different things to different people. I use control to help the sub do things that they need to be doing anyway, but don't have the ability to make happen on their own. My present sub wants to be a size 4 again (long way to to for that!) but she has a problem with junk food and with managing money. So, she now has to account for every penny spent and that means getting receipts for anything she buys. With that, I can scrutinize her grocery buying habits without having to hover 24X7, but she knows that the damn supermarket scanner will bust her if she buys junk food and there will be consequences if I discover it. Is she elated with the results every time she gets on the scale? You bet she is! Is she starting to save money because I make her budget? She and Fidelity Investment are both estatic. Has she given up control of two major aspects of her life? Yes, but all for the good and without me needing to micromanage every minute of the day.

mc1234 -> RE: What does "control" mean to you? (1/10/2009 9:12:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: agirl quote: ORIGINAL: mc1234 quote: ORIGINAL: agirl *chuffed to mint-balls* Is this good or bad? lol *T'is good.....No idea why I typed it though as I've never liked the word chuffed.......lol* lol! Thanks ... you learn something new every day!

littleone35 -> RE: What does "control" mean to you? (1/10/2009 12:08:33 PM)
He does not make me account where i am evey min of the day. One day i said i am going out Christmas shopping with a friend. I did not have to tell him which stores i was going to or ask permission to spend money. I do have to call him every morning and i usually leave a message on his voice mail. When we are together i have to ask permission to use the rest room. I also have to give him a kiss wehn i leave and return to his side. I can dress myself unless he gives me specific instructions i ware what i like. Of course a lot of my recent clothes purcheses with have been with an eye to the cut and color that Master would like. Matt's littleone

NorthernGent -> RE: What does "control" mean to you? (1/11/2009 6:27:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressAinCT what does CONTROL mean to you? It's a mechanism to generate the behaviour you wish to see. It can range from reward, discipline, supervision, micro-management etc - all driven by the behaviour you wish to generate. I like to see courtesy, good grooming, generosity, warmth, obedience, which demand a certain mindset rather than compliance with tasks; the best form of control being to accentuate the positives that are gained from this sort of behaviour.

ALAstella -> RE: What does "control" mean to you? (1/11/2009 9:53:09 AM)
Personally I find similar confusion over the word discipline. Technically at this time of writing I am a slave and am in a relationship with a dominant woman, but I neither need or want control from her, for just like discipline it is something which comes from somewhere deep inside me. So why be with a dominant woman..? Erm, because I like to be with someone who likes to dominate and I am seeking authority from her. If I do not have that control or discipline within me, I cannot submit, and if I cannot submit to myself, who else can I submit to? My suggestion to the OP is to leave the control issue alone and just focus on being dominant. It keeps things simple. stella

boundfeet -> RE: What does "control" mean to you? (1/11/2009 6:51:57 PM)
I am totally into control. I like that tight fisted, short leashed control. yes, 24/7. I want to feel it, see it, taste it. yield to it, submit to it. And I'm lucky enough to have one that likes it right back. He is very controlling and I find I do well in such an environment. I blossom in fact, in every way. I do have two owners, they are married, and I am slave to both. She likes some control, not a ton and is more into the sensual side of things. He is the opposite, so I get all my needs met :-) So I think some of us are out there, just matter of finding one another.

graceadieu -> RE: What does "control" mean to you? (1/11/2009 8:54:43 PM)
To me... control means he has the authority to tell me how to dress or what workout I should do or if I should have an orgasm or whatever, and I'll obey his orders (or decisions when I have to ask permission for something) whether or not it's what I want. Now, I don't want somebody micromanaging my life - I need to be my own person too - but he doesn't want that either so it works out for us. I'm not a slave, though.

WestBaySlave -> RE: What does "control" mean to you? (1/11/2009 10:38:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressAinCT Personally, I believe control should be 24/7 whether you are in My presence or not and I KNOW I'm not the only Dominant who feels this way. Whether its controlling your social time, or what you wear, communication, or how often you pee (that one is way out of My realm but I know slaves who do have that imposed on them). So where are all the slaves who agree with this? Certainly not here, unless I'm missing something. I definitely like that kind of micro-management, so I suppose I could say I'm the type of slave who likes that kind of control, but on giving it some thought... Control isn't quite the right word for it, as it's control because ultimately, I allow it and it's what I want. Not all orders I will like, and I won't obey all orders ( for example "Here's a hack-saw - cut off your legs!" ) "Direction", "guidance" and "management" might be more accurate terms, but none of them seem quite right. Ultimately, a lot of D/s is reinforcing an illusion on control, because controlling someone who doesn't want to be controlled is rarely what D/s relationships are based on.

bound4more -> RE: What does "control" mean to you? (1/11/2009 11:26:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressAinCT I really need to ask this... ..although I am sure I'm not the only one who ever has. What EXACTLY do slaves mean when they say they want to be controlled? I'm told all the time that a slave wants to be controlled, that he or she wants complete power exchange and yet when I lay down the law, I get the "deer in headlights" look. Then the sweats break out, the hemming/hawing and then the predictable "ummm" leaves their lips. So I ask you: What DO you want? What DO you mean? Personally, I believe control should be 24/7 whether you are in My presence or not and I KNOW I'm not the only Dominant who feels this way. Whether its controlling your social time, or what you wear, communication, or how often you pee (that one is way out of My realm but I know slaves who do have that imposed on them). So where are all the slaves who agree with this? Certainly not here, unless I'm missing something. So fill in the clueless Domme: what does CONTROL mean to you? I can appreciate your frustration. Realistically speaking I think being controlled sounds great. Implimenting it and being obedient to that control, however, are another thing. Being controlled erotically of course is never a problem. But being controlled when the command differs from what I believe, think is more logical or whatever, well then we're dealing with the pure principle of obedience. And that's something not everyone is capable of following. I know I haven't been. To obey completely I need to believe that the one commanding has not only their own best interests, needs and desires in mind, but is also aware of and caring for mine as well. I think this takes time to know and feel. I think when obedience has been agreed to, is expected, but not being done then you and your slave need to sit down and discuss what the problem is and how it can be resolved. Oftentimes it can amount to just not having enough trust formed yet. But then I don't know the particulars of your experiences. For me I've struggled with constant obedience because I live with my Dominant, who controls our finances and many aspects of my life. This has been a tremendous adjustment for me. My experience has been that my desire has oftentimes been greater than my ability. I finally just had to accept that although absolute obedience sounds like a great idea, I'm just not capable of it. We ended up having to renegotiate our agreements to more realistic expectations.

MRandme -> RE: What does "control" mean to you? (1/12/2009 3:27:14 AM)
For me, control means structure. i don't do well if i don't have structure of some sort, and boundaries. i have only seven basic rules to follow, but He provides me with the boundaries and limits i need. One thing i liked about the Army was that you always knew where you were supposed to be, when you supposed to be there and what would happen if you weren't. Sometimes you even got to know why you were there. [;)] This is the same. Knowing what i am supposed to do and how and when... this gives me a sense of security and comfort. He provides that by controlling my environment, my daily actions and my contact with Him.

graceadieu -> RE: What does "control" mean to you? (1/12/2009 4:07:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave I definitely like that kind of micro-management, so I suppose I could say I'm the type of slave who likes that kind of control, but on giving it some thought... Control isn't quite the right word for it, as it's control because ultimately, I allow it and it's what I want. Not all orders I will like, and I won't obey all orders ( for example "Here's a hack-saw - cut off your legs!" ) "Direction", "guidance" and "management" might be more accurate terms, but none of them seem quite right. Ultimately, a lot of D/s is reinforcing an illusion on control, because controlling someone who doesn't want to be controlled is rarely what D/s relationships are based on. You're right - since these are consensual relationships, a Dom/me can only exert as much control as the sub allows. They can't force us to obey an order. But they can make us want to obey - even if it goes against our own desires. Maybe that's the real control a dominant has.

beargonewild -> RE: What does "control" mean to you? (1/12/2009 5:04:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressAinCT If someone doesn't want to be controlled, why bother telling the Dominant they do when in the end, its only going to cause heartache? If I have to throw down a gauntlet every time I ask something be done, it isn't worth My time. Let me ask you this: When a slave asks you to take control of them and you agree, do you jump right in and arbitrarily take fully control or you proceed gradually? I will us myself as an example to be clear on what I am trying to get across. When I hand over control/authority to a Master it is with the intent that as we build on our relationship , so we also build on strengthening the authority he gradually acquires from me. This is one aspect of human nature that I see in a M/s relationship. I feel safe to say that many Master/slave relationships follow this premises on one variation or another. I have yet to see a Master abruptly assume all authority asap, maybe some do. Based on my own past experience, a slave needs to feel some level of safety before they are able to hand over authority a little more each time. Trust is the major factor here and the more trust a slave feels for their Master and importantly, the more a slave is able to trust themselves then be able to let got of their inner illusion of self control. note: My usage of Master is not meant to be gender specific.

Ladylocks -> RE: What does "control" mean to you? (1/17/2009 10:00:43 PM)
Because of an abusive past relationship I require total physical control of my pet. As our contract states he isn't allowed to ever refuse any restraint I wish to place on his body at any time. This has never been a problem as he enjoys it. I make all his clothing purchases so he wears what I want all the time (usually feminine clothes at home). He wears a chastity device so I control when he orgasms. He has been taught over time how I prefer things done and does them my way. He is a stay at home pet and serves my girlfriend and I while we both have careers. He has no monetary control at all. We provide (and decide) what he needs.

anyoldname -> RE: What does "control" mean to you? (1/18/2009 10:40:03 AM)
To me it means the limits are set and then within those the one in control is entirely selfish about their own desires, pleasure, impulses, needs, which can make sex a lot more interesting than when there are hesitation and inhibition and political correctness. I like how people get when they are free like that. Sexual instinct makes for some exciting experiences, and the closer to instinct it gets the better. Limits are the minimum sanity required to enjoy the wildness of lust, which is best left instinctive and irrational. I also like psychological quirks and needs finding expression in sexual acts and situations. Be who you really are, do what feels right and comes naturally when you are given permission to be yourself. Control is really what the person who is in control is being freed from. They need only obey the limits and then anything else goes. That's as close to being out of control as you can safely get. The benefit to me is that I get to experience another person's pursuit of their own satisfaction. By submitting to their whims those whims can go places and that is fun.

faithfulfemme -> RE: What does "control" mean to you? (1/23/2009 12:06:19 AM)
Before i allow Anyone to control me, i must first trust Them. And that doesn't happen in a few weeks. It takes time, and interaction--conversations on the phone, meeting in R/T, emails, whatever way We can learn about and understand each other. It's imperative to me that i understand and trust that they are not going to lie, hand me BS, or flake out. This simply takes time. And the more i begin to trust, the more i find myself wanting to serve. Wanting to do anything i am asked. But it all first starts with trust. Funny, how that works......[:)]....

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