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Out of the blue - 1/10/2009 4:23:17 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

This particular thread probably won't appeal to many. It probably would have made a better journal entry, but I had no desire to put it there. Maybe someone will find something of interest to discuss from it.

Yesterday to My great surprise, I received a message from someone that I hadn't heard from in quite some time. Almost 22 months to the day since I last spoke to him, I came home from work yesterday to find that I had a message from My ex pet. I think shocked would be a better word than surprised.

Don't get Me wrong. I'm used to folks who just show back up when they have that certain itch, or are craving a good BDSM romp, or some sentimental reason comes up. ( My boy chosen is famous for that last one.) This was a little different. It may come from the fact that in all but two cases, this one and one other, I've been able to maintain a friendly atmosphere with the other party once the D/s or the play agreement ended. When he left My service, he was adamant about leaving all parts of the lifestyle behind for a vanilla life. A decision that I told him at the time he would regret. Not the leaving Me part, as I don't think I'm particularly all that. Rather the turning away from one's own nature. I happen to have a bit of experience with that.

The bottom line of all this is that he contacted Me to tell Me that I had been right about the matter. That he was facing starting his life over (again) and needed to bounce some things off of the only person he knew who wouldn't judge him for it. I was glad he was still able to know that about Me.

So, folks, that leaves the topic wide open for discussion. Stories about people who left your life and then you suddenly heard from again? Maybe thoughts about yourself or other people who left the lifestyle and couldn't stay away from it? Could just be thoughts about maintaining a decent level of humanity with those who used to be on the other side of the kneel.

Take it where you will. I'm off to get some more sleep so I can go play tonight.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

Post #: 1

RE: Out of the blue - 1/10/2009 5:00:26 AM

Rainfire

Posts: 4047
Joined: 1/5/2009
Status: offline

This is actually something I can relate to, LadyPact. I gave up the lifestyle to try to save my first marriage and it still ended badly. There is that part of me that is drawn back to BDSM time and time again, not just for the physical aspects of it but the emotional. However, unlike your lucky ex, I never had anyone to talk with about it so struggled it out on my own.

I have talked with others that have for one reason (or many) given up the lifestyle saying they were done, they couldn't or wouldn't do it anymore. Yet within a short time, were back and active, saying they couldn't stay away. For some of us, it is simply a part of who we are, regardless of whether D or s.

Regards,

Rainfire

_____________________________

"I have sold my soul to the devil for You, will You still love me when I am soiled, stained and souless in my love for You?
Or is this the beginning of the end?"
Proud member of the Clan Scarlett O'Hair

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 2

RE: Out of the blue - 1/10/2009 5:59:46 AM

MsStarlett

Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline

I've just done the same thing, only a smaller scale.

Wall-e, one of my original Fave Four and one of the first people I started talking to when I joined CM a year ago, 'left' me and the lifestyle right after our first face to face session just after Thanksgiving. He's already back, but it's different. I mean, not only is my situation different from yours, LadyPact, but our relationship with each other is different. Somehow, strained and not as 'comfortable' as it was. This saddens me because I was always very fond of Wall-e. His kinks were often different than mine, but we had enough overlap to form a good foundation and we were exploring each other's kinks in a way that broadened both of us. I miss his phone calls, the silly photos that he used to send me and, most of all, that casual banter that we once shared when he was not struggling with acceptance of this side of his personality. I miss my boy, even though he's still there. It's just not the same.

_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to Rainfire)

Post #: 3

RE: Out of the blue - 1/10/2009 7:41:36 AM

chiaThePet

Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline

Oh, I thought this was going to be about seeing
the image of the Virgin Mary in your boy's bruise.

Nevermind.

I'll just genuflect and quickly slink off, just out of
reach of that flogger.

chia* (the pet)

_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 4

RE: Out of the blue - 1/10/2009 10:43:35 AM

mummyman321

Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

So, folks, that leaves the topic wide open for discussion. Stories about people who left your life and then you suddenly heard from again? Maybe thoughts about yourself or other people who left the lifestyle and couldn't stay away from it? Could just be thoughts about maintaining a decent level of humanity with those who used to be on the other side of the kneel.

Take it where you will. I'm off to get some more sleep so I can go play tonight.

This reminds me of a warning my friends would always tell me. And I have seen it to be true many times.
Never date the rebound! Meaning that when a person breaks up with their SO or any long relationship, never date them right away because they are lost and there is a void they are trying to fill but they do not know what they really want yet. Give it a good 6 to 9 months to avoid the rebound relationship. Rarely have I seen a rebound relationship work out. But that is only my opinion.

_____________________________

Life - Its not about where you are but about the journey to get there - I prefer to choose the road less traveled

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 5

RE: Out of the blue - 1/10/2009 10:53:03 AM

JustDarkness

Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline

I don't mind people going in and out of the lifestyle..but personally I dislike people who leave you and then pop up afther months..thinking you are just there waiting for them.
Even if they go out of the lifestyle..you can still keep contact.

Friendships for me are mutual and full time..not when it just suits a person.

(in reply to mummyman321)

Post #: 6

RE: Out of the blue - 1/10/2009 11:15:51 AM

LadyJulieAnn

Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

I knew when I finally discussed my interests with my husband at the time, it would have big implications for the viability of our marriage. I was becoming aligned with my true nature, and things would be very different for me. Our marriage did end (not solely based on BDSM), and it turns out he also wasn't being his authentic self during our marriage, as he later came out as being gay.

I believe life can be so much happier and flow easier if we honor our true nature.

Julie

(in reply to JustDarkness)

Post #: 7

RE: Out of the blue - 1/10/2009 11:33:54 AM

SnugasaBug

Posts: 49
Joined: 6/11/2007
Status: offline

It has happened here as well. I don't know if he was trying to rekindle anything, since I told him I have found someone. But I think it was more of a wanting to revisit that "comfort level" or "warm and fuzzy feeling" (mine was over the phone) even if just for a brief moment in time. It is comforting to do this with someone who knows their deep secrets or deep desires.

While your life is in turmoil, for whatever reason, you want to be able to see a tree root, somehow to ground yourself?? Does that make sense?

Snug

(in reply to JustDarkness)

Post #: 8

RE: Out of the blue - 1/10/2009 2:01:42 PM

ShaktiSama

Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline

Happens all the time. I have had people track me down after having known me in high school, even grade school or junior high. Usually they mean well and just wanted to contact someone they found memorable in the past, but once the person had a rather nasty agenda.

_____________________________

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

(in reply to SnugasaBug)

Post #: 9

RE: Out of the blue - 1/10/2009 2:16:41 PM

PanthersMom

Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
Status: offline

made the mistake of trying to have a relationship with a man who had previously been my dom. it ended badly. never again.
PM

_____________________________

That which does not kill me, better run pretty damn fast

I miss my ex, but my aim is improving!

(in reply to ShaktiSama)

Post #: 10

RE: Out of the blue - 1/11/2009 12:06:55 AM

FullfigRIMAAM1

Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline

This happens to me on a regular basis.
In the defense of most of my past relationships, I didn't know I was a dominant in need of counterbalancing energy, and that attracting likeminded men was a recipe for disaster. Most of the men I've dated/married, fall in love with me all over again after the fact (poor treatment/attitudes lead us to break up), and have the highest praises, a day late usually... There may be 2 or 3 men I've dated that I am never in contact with, because we've moved and changed phone numbers, but the rest tell me how much they love and respect me, unlike any other before or since; they in fact have a habit of perpetually hiding their new relationships from me; I suppose under the impression that I would think they've not entered into a relationship since we broke up (however many years ago), in case I want to return.

The subs are an entirely different category of out of the blue... We'll have a fight, where I expect never to hear again from them, and a few months go by, the attempt at courtship starts again; fortunately, there's only a couple of them, so not a lot of return callers. On the other hand, I confess to having one gentleman who treated me exactly as I seek to be, and wish he would call out of the blue, but I destroyed that relationship, and am not holding my breath waiting. M

_____________________________

The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands.-Robert M. Persig

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence Erich Fromm

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 11

RE: Out of the blue - 1/11/2009 2:58:31 AM

Pinkpottiepants

Posts: 76
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline

Everyone on this site has something in common. We all have a need for something that the main stream would consider out of the ordinary. Some have found exactly what that is, some are beginning to discover what that is, but then some are still searching for what it is that makes them feel a little different. All of us strive to have a happy healthy life and many will succeed in that quest, but some will never have what they are seaching for. I'm certain that for some, they can never resolve in their own minds that what they are searching for is acceptable and so they keep turning their backs on the very thing they searched for.

I think that LadyPact must have provided a real comfort zone for this person and I would hope that she and others can see that and understand it for what it is. I don't think we should look upon this guy as someone using LadyPack, coming back only when he needs something from her. I think LadyPack understands that.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 12

RE: Out of the blue - 1/11/2009 5:42:45 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

On the flip side and obviously not from the depth and breadth of what LP refers to come two:

One--- who every 6 months professes lessons learned, offers undying love and devotion and will arrive at My door with in the next two weeks for the sound punishment so deserved--5 years after being dismissed.

and the other: who changes orientation and who professes confusion of orientation in direct proportion to amount of alcohol consumed.

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 13

RE: Out of the blue - 1/11/2009 7:31:28 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JustDarkness

I don't mind people going in and out of the lifestyle..but personally I dislike people who leave you and then pop up afther months..thinking you are just there waiting for them.
Even if they go out of the lifestyle..you can still keep contact.

Friendships for me are mutual and full time..not when it just suits a person.

I have to say I agree with this. Particularly the last sentence.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to JustDarkness)

Post #: 14

RE: Out of the blue - 1/13/2009 9:48:18 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
So, folks, that leaves the topic wide open for discussion. Stories about people who left your life and then you suddenly heard from again? Maybe thoughts about yourself or other people who left the lifestyle and couldn't stay away from it? Could just be thoughts about maintaining a decent level of humanity with those who used to be on the other side of the kneel.

I have had instances where a woman stopped responding and then resumed contact out of the blue. I have usually assumed that something greater developed with someone else which then did not pan out. I have had cases--one recently--where someone wrote to apologize for lack and response and clarified that she is taking time away from BDSM and still figuring things out. What baffles me is when one resumes contact as if ignoring messages never occurred.

As for the last sentence, it is my goal to maintain a decent level of humanity with those with whom I have shared positive interactions. Even if time has created distance or either one or both no longer feel the same interest, I can appreciate the happy moments that were shared. Alana Gabasch of Seattle gave a seminar entitled Happy Endings. In it she discusses how she has maintained friendship and decent terms with almost each of her past partners. I appreciate this philosophy. Incidentally, she was working on a book about this topic.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 15

RE: Out of the blue - 1/13/2009 11:37:17 PM

Vendaval

Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

People do reappear and resurface after months or even years in my life for various reasons. Most of the time we enjoy catching up and talking about our lives. Every so often someone has more emotions to process than I have the energy to deal with and then it is time to send them to a therapist.

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE

http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 16

RE: Out of the blue - 1/14/2009 8:10:20 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

When we lived in NYC I had a guy whom I saw twice that involved scening after all the talking and meeting. He freaked out and disappeared saying basically what your guy did. I told him that he could leave me but if he was honestly kinky he couldn't run from himself.

A few years ago, so maybe 5 to 7 years after this event, I got a book via Amazon that was a gift and it was signed with his name and a simple message: "You were right."

That's all I ever heard from him.

The slightly weirder but very touching thing I've had happen a few times is that I've received similar gifts or letters (not emails) from people who I met once at a munch or a workshop through one of the groups I was a member of in NYC or here in town when such groups still existed. These folks say "Thanks for being so nice to me and listening. I wanted you to know that I'm in X Scene and I'm doing good because I took your suggestions." The weirdest part here is that they usually do not include a return address or way to contact them so I just feel a bit of pride knowing I helped someone that much and move on.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 17

RE: Out of the blue - 1/15/2009 1:17:33 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I think you and I share the same philosophy, Sea. I don't know if it's so much the respect for the past happy moments shared or just being a decent human being. I think it's a good way to tell a lot about a person.

Tammyjo, it is ironic when someone comes and tells you the 'you were right' bit. I never really doubted I was right. This was just kind of a confirmation. Sometimes, we get the privilege of helping to introduce someone to who they really are.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 18

RE: Out of the blue - 1/15/2009 7:08:38 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I think you and I share the same philosophy, Sea. I don't know if it's so much the respect for the past happy moments shared or just being a decent human being. I think it's a good way to tell a lot about a person.

Tammyjo, it is ironic when someone comes and tells you the 'you were right' bit. I never really doubted I was right. This was just kind of a confirmation. Sometimes, we get the privilege of helping to introduce someone to who they really are.

What is more horrible perhaps on my part, is that since I did a lot of work in leadership and education positions in BDSM groups for about a decade folks remember me who frankly I don't remember at all. They came to one event or workshop, we had one or two conversations, heck we may have played once or twice, and then years pass by.

They remember me and I don't honestly remember them very clearly.

It's similar to my students. I may interact with hundreds of people and over time I don't see how I can expect to remember them all unless they also stood out in some fashion.

< Message edited by thetammyjo -- 1/15/2009 7:09:27 AM >

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 19

RE: Out of the blue - 1/15/2009 7:18:14 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

There are a number of people that tend to drift in and out of my life. I am fine with that. I am alot like that also. I don't need constant contact to maintain a connection with people.

My ex lover Amelia is like that. We will always be friends and we will always love one another. We just cannot have a relationship beyond that. I may not hear from her for a year or more. Then tadaaaaaa, there she is, on the phone or via email. We may or may not have some regular contact for awhile, then poof, she is gone again. I know her, I know why she does what she does, so I quit being upset about her disappearing acts a long time ago, about the time I knew we were not going to be a couple.

I think it is our responsibility to constantly assess our expectations of the people in our lives. Rather than push expectations onto them that they will not live up to.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 20

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