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ORIGINAL: Evility

I have entered into relationships (not marriage) before that I knew going in were not going to be "until death do you part" but were going to be quite enjoyable in the shorter term. This whole "pass/fail" mentality just befuddles the hell out of me. I think people would ultimately live happier relationship lives if they would quit scoring everything in Win/Loss columns.

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ORIGINAL: colouredin
...what can ruin relationships?

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ORIGINAL: colouredin

Totally nicked from a digression on another post (is it a rarity) what can ruin relationships? I tend to be part of the compatability crowd I think this is why most relationships fail and with this other things become an issue. If people are not compatible then it can lead to people feeling they arent getting enough from the relationship, rather than simply accepting the compatability thing they look for something else. So not emotional enough, not physical enough, not enough talking etc etc comes under the umbrella of compatability. So it got me thinking what other reasons are there? When we dont fit we may allow more negative traits to come out or even new ones that we didnt know exsisted.

However if all we do is blame compatability does that not mitigate personal responsibility? Or if it is just down to compatability why do we not recognise this and end relationships? Or are there other things that impact on a relationship being bad (the post I stole this from mentioned two other things)

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ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW
The problem with many relationships is that, from the start, the relationship is all about getting ones _OWN_ needs met. Humans are selfish by nature, and too many people worry about making sure that "they get theirs", and the relationship becomes the -last- priority instead of the -first-. Then, when it all goes to hell in a handbasket, they blame the other person for not meeting -their- needs, without ever asking how may times they put their own desires above the health of the relationship.

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ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

Compatibility is an interesting concept -- it implies sharing common preferences, etc., but really, compatibility is a fluid state... an ability to adjust to the changing needs of individuals within a relationship... a willingness to adapt, perhaps compromise, and/or accept another's differences without feeling compelled to either agree or embrace that person's preferences.

There is an idea that, in order to develop a relationship, all the parties involved have to enjoy the same things, agree on common philosophies, etc., but the past 12 years have made me re-evaluate that definition of 'compatibility'.

For the past 12 years, I've lived in a poly household where the membership disagree about a surprising number of things. As an example, my mate and I both like cheese... she ONLY likes the creamy, sweet, mild cheeses. I ONLY like the smelly, sharp, dry, crumbly cheeses. She can't stand to be in the room with my aged provolone and I detest Havarti. We both like brie... I like the moldy crust, and she likes the gooey insides.

We have similar disagreements on everything from movies to politics, and yet, somehow, we've had an -amazing- relationship for a decade. A relationship that ranged from spiritual teacher/novice through mistress/servant to co-dominant house leaders. It is a compatibility based not on our similarities (we don't have many of those) but on a genuine joy in being together, and a desire to make the household and the relationship a priority. We came to love one another with almost nothing in common aside from some favorite reading material and a shared interest in spirituality (in which, after several years of sharing a teacher/novice relationship, we diverged and each went our separate spiritual ways).

Yes, compatibility is crucial to the success of a relationship -- but compatibility is more than just having the same ideas, goals, and preferences... the most important aspect of compatibility, IMO, is the ability to put the desire to share ones life with another person or other people as a priority, and allowing that sometimes, the needs of the relationship will require that one's personal preferences take a backseat to doing something just because the other(s) in the relationship likes or needs it.

The problem with many relationships is that, from the start, the relationship is all about getting ones _OWN_ needs met. Humans are selfish by nature, and too many people worry about making sure that "they get theirs", and the relationship becomes the -last- priority instead of the -first-. Then, when it all goes to hell in a handbasket, they blame the other person for not meeting -their- needs, without ever asking how may times they put their own desires above the health of the relationship.

Healthy relationships come with people who accept responsibility for being not only an individual, but part of a cooperative. They learn to vocalize needs and desires, and learn to listen to others' needs... and they learn the arts of prioritization and compromise as tools to insure that the partnership's health is the first priority, and that the needs of the individuals within that partnership are handled in the manner that is best for the relationship, first.... not -ignoring- the needs of the parts, but acknowledging that there will be times when one person's needs may be subsumed for the health of the communion.