RE: Good intentions? (Full Version)

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DarkSteven -> RE: Good intentions? (1/11/2009 8:11:24 AM)

If I met a submissive who was perfect for me but on the verge of leaving her spouse, I would consider her marriage to be an issue, but not insurmountable.  However, I would not wish to be a party to it- there would be limits to how far I got involved with her until she did leave.

This opens up a whole can of worms because of the gray area of how much of a role I played in the split.



beargonewild -> RE: Good intentions? (1/11/2009 8:36:49 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: needngreed

Are these things running rampant and does anyone else see this the same way as I do or am I the only one that has found this offensive and frustrating?



I don't believe this is unique to the BDSM world and it's up to the individual person to decide for themselves whether to get involved with a married person or not. I personally don't have a huge issue with this. I could and would get into a short term BDSM relationship with another who was married and not get too concerned, mainly because is is short term and I will not invest heavily into this affair knowing that the primary purpose is to fulfill a need we both want to satiate. The knowledge of that other person is lying to their spouse is the guiding factor which prevents me deceiving myself into believing there's a potential for a long term relationship. Keep in mind I do not deliberately seek out married play partners.



persephonee -> RE: Good intentions? (1/11/2009 8:41:18 AM)

~fr~
Staying together for financial reasons or "for the kids" are valid reasons to not dissolve a legal relationship. However, i wont play with someone who is married and whose wife doesnt know...(anymore).

If its sincerely a marriage of convenience, then there should be no reason i cant contact the wife...and while this tends to make the potential partner disappear in a puff of dominant smoke, i stand by my acid test. No talkie, no walkie....

If you cant own your own wife....why on earth would you attempt to own my ass? Thats my two cents, anyway.



beargonewild -> RE: Good intentions? (1/11/2009 8:46:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: persephonee

If its sincerely a marriage of convenience, then there should be no reason i cant contact the wife...and while this tends to make the potential partner disappear in a puff of dominant smoke, i stand by my acid test. No talkie, no walkie....



Though if it is an actual marriage of convenience, then the one partner really doesn't care who the other partner sleeps with. So it seems to me that wanting to talk to the non playing partner seems redundant.



persephonee -> RE: Good intentions? (1/11/2009 8:54:02 AM)

i have found that saying you have a marriage of convenience is easier for one partner to say than the other. Its right up there with...my wife doesnt understand me....[8|].
Again, not dominant.



beargonewild -> RE: Good intentions? (1/11/2009 8:58:04 AM)

Fair enough.



Amaros -> RE: Good intentions? (1/11/2009 9:06:12 AM)

It cut's both ways, there are married women with submissive fantasies their husbands don't share - my rule of thumb is that I don't engage in deceit, and as SassySarijane mentions, this is not confined to BDSM - I'm not going to be put into the position of being a homewrecker, I like things on the up and up - that's just my personal feelings on that subject, but I don't expect that will change anything - all's fair in love and war, and people are gonna do what they're gonna do.



Amaros -> RE: Good intentions? (1/11/2009 9:13:27 AM)

With regard to DarkSteven's scenario, if it sounds like she's all but splitsville already, then technically, you are the catalyst, but it's hard to assess - in such situations, it's always less stressful if the breakup is fait accompli, and if there may be legal issues involved, there's always going to be some question, but in my experience if one partner has made the decision to leave a marriage, it means their mind is usually made up and it's probably going to happen regardless. My advice would be to go ahead and pursue the relationship but try to stay as neutral as possible with regard to the breakup itself, though personally I would tend to avoid this situation, and I have passed up on a few relationships that might have worked out because of it.



persephonee -> RE: Good intentions? (1/11/2009 9:19:56 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: beargonewild

Fair enough.


Now, you do know that you could be married to like...17 people and i would cheat with you anytime, right??[:D]



Amaros -> RE: Good intentions? (1/11/2009 9:29:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: persephonee

i have found that saying you have a marriage of convenience is easier for one partner to say than the other. Its right up there with...my wife doesnt understand me....[8|].
Again, not dominant.
That's pretty much my take on it - if there is an arrangement, and it isn't going to come back on me, then fine.



Amaros -> RE: Good intentions? (1/11/2009 9:33:49 AM)

This is probably different for men than it is for women however, in my experience women are less comfortable being somebodies side dish, while most men don't mind having a dish on the side.



persephonee -> RE: Good intentions? (1/11/2009 9:36:38 AM)

Thats what stands me out in a crowd, i can play for plays sake and not get all enmeshed with the bullshit. But i wont be a party to someone elses bullshit either.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Good intentions? (1/11/2009 10:28:58 AM)

I do not believe that not ending a relationship "for the kids" is at all a valid argument and sets the kids themselves up for a horrible life example of how to make good choices for their own sense of self.

But to the OP- adults suck sometimes, and people in the scene of all orientations do cheat and are not ready for an actual stable mature relationship with someone. 



DesFIP -> RE: Good intentions? (1/11/2009 10:35:33 AM)

And you don't find this every where else also? Such as people accepting a job knowing it involves overtime and then complaining about staying late? Or friends saying they'll meet you at 12:30 and not getting there till almost one? People do this, in relationships with lovers, friends, family, employers, employees, customers etc. It's a people thing.



persephonee -> RE: Good intentions? (1/11/2009 10:38:11 AM)

Yannow, i dont necessarily either, and for myself, i just cant see it happening...but it, in fact, does happen...its a people thing, as Des says.



beargonewild -> RE: Good intentions? (1/11/2009 10:44:56 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: persephonee

quote:

ORIGINAL: beargonewild

Fair enough.


Now, you do know that you could be married to like...17 people and i would cheat with you anytime, right??[:D]


You do also realize that if I was married, my spouse will have full knowledge that I would be playing outside my marriage. And I would consensually agree that my spouse will have that same right. So in this situation where both people are aware and agreeable, then this does not constitute cheating in my books.



persephonee -> RE: Good intentions? (1/11/2009 10:47:04 AM)

In that case, i call for creating a big ole perse pile and calling it a day....



Evility -> RE: Good intentions? (1/11/2009 11:10:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: needngreed
Are these things running rampant and does anyone else see this the same way as I do or am I the only one that has found this offensive and frustrating?


It certainly happens but I don't see it as an epidemic. Why on earth would you get frustrated about a stranger's extramarital activities?



LadyPact -> RE: Good intentions? (1/11/2009 11:29:55 AM)

Every time this topic comes up, I say the same thing.  If you've heard it before, I apologize.  Please feel free to move on to the next response.

OP, I will grant you that some of the people on this site, in the lifestyle, and part of the human race are married folks sneaking around on their spouses.  However, I'm here to point out the fact that not all married people who have additional relationships are doing that behind their partner's back.  I happen to be married.  I have a married submissive.  Yes, both spouses know.  Yes, we've all met, talked, and all of the other stuff that you'd expect people who know the other exists have done.  Everyone accepts the arrangement.  No one is being lied to, cheated on, or hurt.

Now, having said all of that, let Me explain why My sub clip is the only married submissive that I've ever had.  It's because he was the only one who could live up to My standards of what I find acceptable in dealing with other married people.  That's the bottom line here.  I chose who I play with and if they can't live up to the standard that I have, they can find someone else to play with.  The truth of the matter is that you have the same choice.  If your moral standard is to not wanting to be with the type of person who is lying and cheating on their spouse, don't participate.  It happens to be a position that I agree with 100%.



Icarys -> RE: Good intentions? (1/11/2009 11:38:02 AM)

quote:

where is the word "okay"? It is far from perfect.

The very act of allowing it says it's okay to you. If you didn't think it so, you would stop it for your part.



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