RE: Abandoned?

RE: Abandoned? (Full Version)

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lilgirl2008 -> RE: Abandoned? (1/11/2009 11:19:43 AM)
Whether a man calls himself a dominant or not, doesn't make him any less human. And as human beings we are all filled with flaws. I would say that yes you can assume this means he has moved on. Take this as a lesson, and if you jumped too quickly into this relationship, which tends to be the case, then take that as a lesson and learn from it. I had a similar situation happen to me. Was with a dominant for well over a year. He started to pull away. I found out that he had another profile and was looking for someone else. This was a real life relationship. I found out by pretending to be someone else. It hurt a great deal. But from it I came to learn that he had his own set of problems. He didn't handle those issues well, and it lead him down a bad path. He is human. Believe it or not he and I are still good friends. While I wouldn't trust him to submit to him again, there was a year of caring and love that doesn't just go away because someone makes mistakes. This whole situation has made me take a step back, and I am currently not looking for a domimant. I just don't wish to put myself out there right now. I wish you luck and I hope that this experience does not make you bitter. Learn from it, and take a look at yourself and your part in the situation. Please don't make yourself a victim.

Cookiedom -> RE: Abandoned? (1/11/2009 1:54:15 PM)
Coloured is correct. D/S does not mean everything in the garden is rosy and all D's will never let you down or walk out or lose interest etc etc No different to the vanilla world in any way. quote: ORIGINAL: colouredin quote: ORIGINAL: Pokahotass My real question is how do you reinforce the fact that a Dom has a responsibility when they take on a Sub? I'm not looking to make this man keep me if he doesn't want to. However I can't understand why a Dom would take on a Sub and all the responsablitys of having one only to skip out on the responsabliity of letting them go properly. How hard is it to say. "I don't think this will work out."? Granted the obvious answer is that he is no Dom, This is where so many people fall down. Being in a D/s relationship is not that differant from being in a vanilla one. Being a submissive doesnt mean that suddenly people will treat you better. In vanilla relationships people vanish or dump you by text or whatever, we like to think its more weighty for all in D/s but it often isnt. Also I am with Red on this one, tell her hes gone and meet her anyway. If you like her and get on you could have a good friend from it all. You wouldnt have to 'be' anything other than yourself with her. Take the positive away from the experiance. Thats if there isnt a genuine reason for his absense.

Pokahotass -> RE: Abandoned? (1/11/2009 6:44:52 PM)
Yes Cat I did say that and it was the wrong word to use, as I have said. Trust is the core of this life for me, without it I would never participate play of any kind. When you put your physical safety, as well as emotional, in the hands of another there is a responsibility taken up. Just as any Dom must take care not to cause lasting damage to the body he should take the same care in respect to the rest. Not a flying leap out the closet window. If that makes my P.o.V any clearer.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Abandoned? (1/11/2009 7:45:20 PM)
Well, for sure, don't just let you communication dwindle with her until the point of none just because you don't know what to do with her. Perhaps this is what happened to your Dom. People do what they do. Relationships don't build to solidity, usually, until after a meeting in person and spending months together. So, if you don't expect an online relationship to be solid after the usual two week collar, you won't be disappointed so much. Master Fire

VeryNastyDom -> RE: Abandoned? (1/12/2009 6:07:46 AM)
We all get busy in life, but that is no excuse for zero communication. On more than one occassion I have had to send off a terse e-mail that said essentially "Have been ultra busy so I can't talk for a few days, but I am thinking about you." If he cannot manage thirty seconds for that, then you have your answer. Best of luck to you.

bamagirl4u -> RE: Abandoned? (1/12/2009 6:13:32 AM)
Common courtesy goes a long way with me. If you can't text, send an email...or call...pooh on You. My time is important too. I am sorry you are having to deal with this...believe me...my last Dom was an experienced liar! I knew in my heart He was but I didn't listen to my little voice and ended up getting hurt badly. Remember the saying..."Fool me once, shame on you...Fool me twice, shame on me." Best of luck to you...[:)]

MsFlutter -> RE: Abandoned? (1/12/2009 8:06:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici I am always amazed that people seem to think because we call our selves these names, that it either makes schmucks better human beings or all those nasty little habits get automagically replaced with angelic like qualities. I am sure he got what he wanted and that's what he wanted. Life sucks, but it doesn't change because you are "in here". What she said

chamberqueen -> RE: Abandoned? (1/12/2009 8:17:29 AM)
OP, I see that the relationship is ended. In a way it must be a relief just to know what is going on. As for your own sub, be honest with her. Let her know what happened. If you are confused about what to do with her let her know that, too. Perhaps the two of you can remain friends even if you no longer want her as a sub. Be sure to let her know that she has done nothing wrong but that circumstances have changed.

OmegaG -> RE: Abandoned? (1/12/2009 1:35:03 PM)
Cali has far more grace and dignity then I do. When communication falls off, I tend to just move on. Of course there have been instances where the other person has come back with excuses as to why I should have hung around just in case, but I still figure that if I'm worth being in a relationship with then I am worth the 30 second phone call once in a blue moon to let me know that you are too busy to deal with me at the moment. I am not a doll that can be put on a shelf until you want to play with me again. But I would be a far nicer person if I did make an effort to open the dialoge for clear, unequicical closure.

BondageBarbieX -> RE: Abandoned? (1/12/2009 1:49:58 PM)
I take it this was an online situation only?Move on....

Missokyst -> RE: Abandoned? (1/12/2009 3:44:07 PM)
I don't see how this can be dismissed as an online relationship. She has met the sub that he requested she line up. She has stated they (he and she) have played. He was in my opinion being typically elusive, when one wants to end things but is afraid of the reaction. All too many want to be the good guy.. and hope that the other party will be the one to call it quits. Cowards! It is much nicer to have that bandaid ripped off quickly, even if some skin is pulled, rather than to take it off, hair by hair, hour by hour.. BLECH. OP.. picture yourself yanking his nose hairs. That always makes me feel better. Kyst

RealSub58 -> RE: Abandoned? (1/12/2009 4:07:20 PM)
If this "dom" is in TX, I know him. Really tho, let me say that just because responsiblity should be assumed, doesnt make it true. Been there and it darn hurts. My advice?Be friends with "your" sub and decide what you are capable of and take that responsiblity and charge forth into YOUR life. I'd also write a "so long Joe here's my toe" letter and don't look back.

RealSub58 -> RE: Abandoned? (1/12/2009 4:25:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Pokahotass I have no interest in being rude but I'm confused by your seaming hostility, I didn't grab you by the arm and force you to listen to me. That is one of the great things about a place like this, participation is voluntary. In any case I will deal with this and I thank all who have responded. Pok Pok, I must answer to this. Participation is optional and no one forces any "reaction" but "reaction" is what we get.After almost 4 years of being here in different usernames, depending on the ownership, I know who I want to listen to and have plenty on block. "Knee jerk reactions" are hard to stomach and "grow thick skin" is not an option to how a personality is wired. I find sarcasm very rude but it's rampant at times.I was called "malicious" in one response I gave.She had NO idea what she was saying, but this proves that many judge our character just by what we post. I must say it has taken me a very long time to learn to let "people" I don't know in person to control my feelings. Sir says to me, be gracious.

DavanKael -> RE: Abandoned? (1/12/2009 5:42:37 PM)
Hi, haven't read all of the posts; scanned a number of them. I think it sucks massively when a person does not see to their responsibility to end a relationship with dignity and respect but many (And I would go so far as to say most) choose to cop out. I don't think your talking about it on a public forum is poor form (I have been accused of such in the past and I think it's a load of crap; message boards inherently have a facet of dishing details and voyeurism to them and not all of that is acting out or negative). You mentioned that you are a survivor. This reconates with me (Though, thankfully, not the physicalities you endured): your mindset. I think that knowing that you can stand on your own two feet and walk on even if it is not your preference is a point of empowerment and power. It seems as if you are doing your best to do well by the other girl you mentioned and I believe that being honest and keeping any commitments you made is the best thing to do. Best wishes, Davan

greeneyedreamer -> RE: Abandoned? (1/12/2009 6:35:46 PM)
I agree, a good dom says SOMETHING... but some are funny that way... all big and bad... and then poof... a friend of mine calls it the DARTH FADER... made me laugh and think "yep" that's it!

Pokahotass -> RE: Abandoned? (1/12/2009 6:56:33 PM)
Wow, Thank you all again. I've read some really good advice here. Even though the situation is over now some of it is still very useful. Bondage Barbie, We were not an online couple. In fact we spent as many hours as we could in each others company. Then spent many of the hours we couldn't physically be together speaking -on the phone or through email or IM. That was why when communication dwindled I grew concerned so quickly. RealSub, This Dom was not form TX but your statement makes it clear this kind of thing happens everywhere. Men are Men and even the good ones can screw up as bad as the worst. The girl and I are working on a friendship. It was the best I could offer her under the circumstances. She has agreed that it is better then counting the whole thing as a loss and we can grow from here. Davan, Thank you. It was hard to decide if I should post or not. Considering how easy it is for the mind to invent new and horrible outdistances Posting seamed like a better way. Rather then make decisions based on anger over things that may or may not be happening. Hearing stories from others, advice even complaints helped not only distract me but allowed me to center. By the time he and I spoke there was no anger left. Also working as hard as I could to leave Him and Her the privacy they deserve helped me be ok with this. Coming from the background that I have, and I'm sorry to see you share, trust is a hard thing to accept. Let alone give. It is much easier to protect yourself by assuming everyone is out to hurt you. The best we can do is try hard to be healthy and do what is needed to stay that way. Kyst, hehe that is a good one. When I get mad thinking over things I do something smiler... just lower down. :) To all who spoke of courtesy and time: I can not agree more. We live a life style built on rules, in order for the play to be safe we have rules, in order that the Sub knows there place as well as the Dom we have rules. The details change as does the application, yet some are universal. Consent and Safety first for example. In any relationship smiler rules apply. When you create a bond with someone it should be treated with respect. Yes real life doesn't often happen this way, however, it does not mean it is any less of a wrong when it fails to. Had he sent me an email at three am when he could be safely off line before I could read and respond telling me his thought and feelings I don't think I would have been so hurt or angry. Had he sent me an IM saying "we need to talk, call me at..." it would have been better. My mistake here was assuming that as he was the Dom he would take the lead. In the end I did and managed it without anger or finger pointing. We have spoken since and will continue to do so. As I am a firm believer in "fool me once shame on you..." I do not think we could have the same relationship again. It would be good enough for me if we ended up with a strong friendship. Prior to this problem we never once had issues we could not work out. It would be a great waste to simply let a connection like that go and not look back. Pok

Pokahotass -> RE: Abandoned? (1/12/2009 6:58:29 PM)
Darth Fader... Heheh I'm going to remember that :)

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