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Abandoned? - 1/11/2009 6:19:51 AM

Pokahotass

Posts: 24
Joined: 11/5/2008
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So at this point I'm fairly sure "Sir" has left me behind. This has included a slowing of communications to the point of none, over the course of a week. I have also found a profile here of a male Dom who could be Sir's twin.

My real question is how do you reinforce the fact that a Dom has a responsibility when they take on a Sub? I'm not looking to make this man keep me if he doesn't want to.

However I can't understand why a Dom would take on a Sub and all the responsablitys of having one only to skip out on the responsabliity of letting them go properly. How hard is it to say. "I don't think this will work out."?

Granted the obvious answer is that he is no Dom, I'm just hurt and confused. The harder part is that he has left me in bad position. Sir asked me to find and take on a Sub "of my own". We were to test her out and (all three of us agreed on this) decide if the three of us would work out after a month. Now with Sir making no contact with me I am concerned on how to bring this up to her.

She is a very nice and eager girl. She has her hopes up to serve us both but without a guide I do not think I have what it takes to be a Good Dom being a compleat novice to it.. After having some bad Doms myself it would be unthinkable just to dump her (as I seam to have been).

I'm all over the place on this post I know but any advice would help or even a kick in the pants with reality is welcome. Aaaagggghhh!! Grr!

Post #: 1

RE: Abandoned? - 1/11/2009 6:23:42 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

Meet the girl in real life, get drunk together, and sing a bunch of angry songs about how much you both hate men.

Serious answer, believe it or not. That way you get a new friend out of the situation.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Pokahotass)

Post #: 2

RE: Abandoned? - 1/11/2009 6:27:30 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

I have also found a profile here of a male Dom who could be Sir's twin.

Make a new profile, engage him in coversation and see what you can find out. It could be fun to reel in him then put him on "block". Just a suggestion.

OR

You could just ask him what's going on. If you don't hear back from him, consider that your answer.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Pokahotass)

Post #: 3

RE: Abandoned? - 1/11/2009 6:43:30 AM

Pokahotass

Posts: 24
Joined: 11/5/2008
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Red, I have met her and like your idea quite a bit. :)

Kathy, I have spoken to the other profile and have not heard back. I've also spoken to Sir and any question is just being ignored.

Mostly it's my indignation that has me all turned around. I'm no wimp... not even close. My ex-husband thought the best way to end an argument was to put me through a wall. After surviving that I learned my strength and ability to do anything, this is nothing in comparison. Cowards just piss me off to no end. I go from wanting to talk to wanting to scream. Mostly I'd just like conformation it's over, hard to get (the way I would like) when you can't even speak to them.

Thank you both for responding.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 4

RE: Abandoned? - 1/11/2009 6:54:23 AM

SassySarijane

Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline

The only confirmation you're likely to get that it's over is the confirmation you give yourself. Let it go and begin moving on with your life. He's not answering you, so stop contacting him at all. Talk to the girl about the change in situation and your feelings about trying to be her dominant on your own. The two of you can talk openly about what you both want and can build a friendship before trying a D/s or just get to know each other as people and see what develops. I definitely wouldn't rush anything. I'd let it build as it does and not push or force things.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to Pokahotass)

Post #: 5

RE: Abandoned? - 1/11/2009 6:56:46 AM

Musicmystery

Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline

Anger is natural at first--it covers the hurt.

But don't hang on to it. Express it, pick yourself up, and move on to the next experience. Otherwise, especially since you're doing this on a public forum, people will start to see this as a negative trait in you, fairly or not.

This all has happened, as you say, over a week. That's really not a long period of time. Perhaps there's a reasonable explanation. Lots of unnecessary complications arise over insufficient conversation.

Good luck and hang in there.

(in reply to Pokahotass)

Post #: 6

RE: Abandoned? - 1/11/2009 6:58:09 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

I agree with Red re: the girl.

Also, you say it's been a week? Could there be something going on with him that has him ultra busy? No excuse really, but I'd give it another few days, then consider it done.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to Pokahotass)

Post #: 7

RE: Abandoned? - 1/11/2009 7:05:45 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pokahotass

My real question is how do you reinforce the fact that a Dom has a responsibility when they take on a Sub? I'm not looking to make this man keep me if he doesn't want to.

However I can't understand why a Dom would take on a Sub and all the responsablitys of having one only to skip out on the responsabliity of letting them go properly. How hard is it to say. "I don't think this will work out."?

Granted the obvious answer is that he is no Dom,

This is where so many people fall down. Being in a D/s relationship is not that differant from being in a vanilla one. Being a submissive doesnt mean that suddenly people will treat you better. In vanilla relationships people vanish or dump you by text or whatever, we like to think its more weighty for all in D/s but it often isnt.

Also I am with Red on this one, tell her hes gone and meet her anyway. If you like her and get on you could have a good friend from it all. You wouldnt have to 'be' anything other than yourself with her.

Take the positive away from the experiance. Thats if there isnt a genuine reason for his absense.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to Pokahotass)

Post #: 8

RE: Abandoned? - 1/11/2009 7:16:22 AM

Pokahotass

Posts: 24
Joined: 11/5/2008
Status: offline

Thanks to all.

It has been building for much more then a week, it's only the lack of contact that has been happening this week. It's been a slow decline in contact. I do agree that it could be something else however given other factors and my own gut this is the conclusion I have come to. I'm not looking for simpathy, I just needed to vent, a big part of moving on.

Sassy, I'm thinking that's exactly what I will do but as Greedy said a little more time may be needed.

In any case thank you all for the input.

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 9

RE: Abandoned? - 1/11/2009 7:46:53 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
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I am always amazed that people seem to think because we call our selves these names, that it either makes schmucks better human beings or all those nasty little habits get automagically replaced with angelic like qualities.

I am sure he got what he wanted and that's what he wanted. Life sucks, but it doesn't change because you are "in here".

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to Pokahotass)

Post #: 10

RE: Abandoned? - 1/11/2009 8:02:47 AM

Pokahotass

Posts: 24
Joined: 11/5/2008
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Cat,
People are people, it doesn't matter what the do in a life style. Part of my original question was as to how this rebuking of responsibility is viewed even if I did not state this clearly. The rest is my own venting in order to get over this insulting end.

I am insulted and angered however it is a place I and many others have been before, regardless of life style. This is something that I need to be deal with and venting here is part of that.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 11

RE: Abandoned? - 1/11/2009 8:38:47 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pokahotass

Cat,
Part of my original question was as to how this rebuking of responsibility is viewed even if I did not state this clearly.

Personally, I find child abandonment and dead beat dads as a more serious social issue than a fly by night Dom. Put it in perspective, deal with it, learn your lessons and be thankful you can move on.

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to Pokahotass)

Post #: 12

RE: Abandoned? - 1/11/2009 9:13:47 AM

Pokahotass

Posts: 24
Joined: 11/5/2008
Status: offline

Cat, of course the mistreatment of Children is paramount to that of a personal relationship. I am putting it in perspective and currently in the proses of moving on. Part of doing that is talking about it. I have every right to question my circumstances (publicly if I choose), just as you have to respond anyway you please.

I have no interest in being rude but I'm confused by your seaming hostility, I didn't grab you by the arm and force you to listen to me. That is one of the great things about a place like this, participation is voluntary.

In any case I will deal with this and I thank all who have responded.
Pok

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 13

RE: Abandoned? - 1/11/2009 9:22:02 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pokahotass
My real question is how do you reinforce the fact that a Dom has a responsibility when they take on a Sub? I'm not looking to make this man keep me if he doesn't want to.

These two statements jumped out at me, and it could be that perhaps they weren't worded the way you meant (or hell, maybe it was dead-on).

These two statements cause me to ponder, "who's in charge in this relationship?"

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to Pokahotass)

Post #: 14

RE: Abandoned? - 1/11/2009 10:12:22 AM

Pokahotass

Posts: 24
Joined: 11/5/2008
Status: offline

Understood Cali,

It didn't come out the way I meant it. It was more a question of wondering how to even discuss the issue then "make" him do anything. Just as if I took on a cat or a dog if they were not the right pet for me it would be up to me to deal with it. With humans that pet can speak for themselves. Should pet or owner start to feel the situation isn't right for them it is up to that party to bring up the issue and deal with it. In this situation (mine) I feel that as Sir had become unhappy with it then he has a responsibility to bring that up. Should his solution be to let me go then that to is up to him to bring up. It is the being ignored that has gotten me angry, an honest and open conversation would have been a much better choice.

I've made another request to speak to him, should he make contact with me I will be the one to bring it up. Due to issues I have no choice but to deal with it is clear why this situation has become undesirable to him. Regardless of that it is my feeling that if distance is what he wanted speaking about it would have been a much more... adult way to handle it.

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 15

RE: Abandoned? - 1/11/2009 10:16:52 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

Well, I was in a similar position, and when I didn't get any answers, I chose to end the relationship. It was only after I said something to the effect of, "it's obvious to me that I'm not the one for you, not the one that makes you happy, and I don't know what to do other than ask for release", that he actually gave me an idea of what was going on.

And before anyone jumps on the fact that I asked for release (and what would I have done if he had said "no"), it was mostly a rhetorical question, because I wanted to retain a shred of grace and dignity.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to Pokahotass)

Post #: 16

RE: Abandoned? - 1/11/2009 10:24:02 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

Cali.. . you've got grace and dignity in spades :)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 17

RE: Abandoned? - 1/11/2009 10:38:35 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pokahotass
My real question is how do you reinforce the fact that a Dom has a responsibility when they take on a Sub?

You don't. The point to know whether HE believes in his responsibilities is before you choose to get into a relationship with him. So either he lied about who he was, or you didn't use good enough judgement to find out or a mix of both.

But you can't foist responsibilities on someone, even if they "should" know better.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Pokahotass)

Post #: 18

RE: Abandoned? - 1/11/2009 11:12:40 AM

Pokahotass

Posts: 24
Joined: 11/5/2008
Status: offline

Very true LA.

I have in fact just spoken to him. He was not speaking to me out of fear of having exactly the conversation that was needed. We have parted ways and I think both of us feel much better for it.

Thank You all for your responses and for your kicks in the pants too. Having talked about this has helped me not only take a look at my perceptions but change the ones that needed it. It nothing else I have learned and that is always something to be happy for.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 19

RE: Abandoned? - 1/11/2009 11:18:07 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

I am far from hostile, I hit a nerve, that's obvious--you asked how one can "reinforce" if we cannot where the law applies, how do you expect it to happen here?

I am simply pointing out like LA, you cannot force responsibilities on someone who doesn't choose to take them on--does it hurt? Hell ya, do you want to skin him alive? Hell ya! Did you learn? yep, do we all feel a bit of "crap not another one" you betcha--don''t mistake straight talk or tough love with seeming hostility--you don't want to see My hostility, it ain't pretty and to Doms ( male or female) who treat subs like shit, its even uglier.

edited for typo

< Message edited by CatdeMedici -- 1/11/2009 12:09:59 PM >

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to Pokahotass)

Post #: 20

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