A Dominants Responsibilities--or not (Full Version)

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CatdeMedici -> A Dominants Responsibilities--or not (1/11/2009 9:54:03 AM)

I thought this may be a nice offshoot to the post that potahotass did--its not pointing at her issue at all (and I have a dear friend who is going through the same kind of quandry)--but perhaps a forum to get thoughts and ideas ( and I am sure more than a few opinions).
 
We seem to see post after post about a Dominants lack of responsibility, how they've dumped and run, mislead subs, etc etc etc. First, I don't happen to think that just because someone dubs themselves a Dominant, that they will have any more sense of responsibility than they would in a vanilla world. However, it is an interesting question:
 
What do you see as the responsibility of you as a Dominant in general?
 
At what point do you feel that responsibility should start/end?
 
As a Dominant, what responsibilites will you absolutely not take on?
 
How far do you intend, believe your responsibility should extend?
 
Now here's the kicker, has the fact that you have "dubbed" Yourself as such actually helped you be better at responsibilities than you once were?
 



JustDarkness -> RE: A Dominants Responsibilities--or not (1/11/2009 10:22:06 AM)

I always take care of my girl and guide her...I do not live her life or think for her.
Mmm that is the best way to describe it.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: A Dominants Responsibilities--or not (1/11/2009 10:24:43 AM)

However it is agreed that they should.  For me it essentially boils down to being true to myself and honest to them about it.

I will point out that I do not take responsibility for anothers choices- even if they are under my authority.



yourMissTress -> RE: A Dominants Responsibilities--or not (1/11/2009 11:13:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

What do you see as the responsibility of you as a Dominant in general? 

 
My responsibilities as a dominant are the same as my responsibilities as a human being and a partner in the relationship.  To conduct myself with dignity, to act with integrity, to be honest and straightforward, and to treat my partner with love and respect.
 
quote:

 
At what point do you feel that responsibility should start/end?

 
My responsibilities begin and end with me, my words, and my actions. 
 
quote:

  
As a Dominant, what responsibilites will you absolutely not take on?

 
I will not take responsibility for anothers thoughts and feelings. 
 
 
quote:

 
 How far do you intend, believe your responsibility should extend?

 
See above.
 
quote:

 
Now here's the kicker, has the fact that you have "dubbed" Yourself as such actually helped you be better at responsibilities than you once were?



I think I don't understand this question.



Evility -> RE: A Dominants Responsibilities--or not (1/11/2009 11:30:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
What do you see as the responsibility of you as a Dominant in general?


I promised never to intentionally permanently mark, maim, injure, dismember, cripple or kill her. I have successfully kept that promise for over three years now.



LadyPact -> RE: A Dominants Responsibilities--or not (1/11/2009 12:16:42 PM)

First off, I'm going to say you picked a great day for this one.  I tend to get a little mushy when I'm courting the dance with top drop. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
What do you see as the responsibility of you as a Dominant in general?


Guidance.  Being his strength when he needs it.  Protecting him when the situation allows Me to do so.  Cherishing him in his role as My submissive.
 
quote:

At what point do you feel that responsibility should start/end?


I'd have to say it started before he was collared.  Somewhere around that time that I started viewing him as more than just a play partner. It was right about when he started submitting to Me for more than just play.  It was our transition period.  If I had to pin it down, it would be somewhere around the time he told Me that he already felt collared to Me, even though we had not made any plans to officially do that.

As to when does it end, I would have to say to a degree it would if he were no longer collared to Me.  At this time, I don't foresee that happening.  If for some reason it should, I wouldn't feel that I had the same responsibilities to him as I do today, but there would always be some.  Out of respect for the time he's been with Me, he would always have My friendship and assistance that I could provide him should he need it.  I'm just the type of person who doesn't turn My back on someone who was that important in My life at some time
 
quote:

As a Dominant, what responsibilites will you absolutely not take on?


I do not take on his financial burdens, credit problems, or legal issues should he commit a crime.  Basically the things I wouldn't permit if he is in My service anyway.  I also don't involve Myself with decisions he makes regarding his career or his um's.  I call My sub My boy, but he's still a grown man.
 
quote:

How far do you intend, believe your responsibility should extend?


When I first collared him, I did intend it to be a temporary collar.  It was to be a short term arrangement for the period of time that he was living in My location.  When that time came, it was obvious that our bond had grown and the collar would remain.  Very recently, I wrote a post here about My feelings about it which I titled "Collared for Life."  That is how long I intend My responsibilities to last.

How far it extends is very much the same.  Distance doesn't change it.  As long as he is still on the planet and both of us are alive, it will continue.


 
quote:

Now here's the kicker, has the fact that you have "dubbed" Yourself as such actually helped you be better at responsibilities than you once were?
 

Absolutely. I'm no perfect human, but having his submission makes Me a better one.



Maxwell67 -> RE: A Dominants Responsibilities--or not (1/11/2009 2:16:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
What do you see as the responsibility of you as a Dominant in general?

Aside from those responsibilities to self and the world at large that I believe should be shared by every living adult human, the extra responsibilities that I must take on are to be certain that mine all live up to those same expectations and to make what changes are required in their environment to shepherd them in that direction if they are not.  I can only do this if I am honest with myself and with them, if I engender their trust, and insure that they feel secure enough that they can take reasonable chances (this one is a very important aspect for me).  The aspect of discipline, of teaching/training them to always be in a state that is conducive to learning and not to impinge on the rights of others to learn, is also a part of this, though not every slave needs the same lessons, I believe that all of them very much desire to achieve this state.  I cannot bring my slave to enlightenment, but I can try to keep them on their own path toward it, and that is what I try to do. 

On a more mundane level, I am responsible for their safety during scenes and for being the creative force behind the scene (in doing this I seem always to be topping.  I know it is possible to be dominant and be bottom in a scene, but that just is not my way).

quote:


At what point do you feel that responsibility should start/end?

Well, that is simply how I am.  So I suppose it started some time before I took consciously on the mantle of Dominant and it will end when I am dead.

quote:


As a Dominant, what responsibilities will you absolutely not take on?

I will not take authority that is not given freely to me.  I will not take responsibility for past events over which I had no knowledge or control (though I still have to deal with them). Beyond that, I cannot say.  It is a case by case basis.

quote:


How far do you intend/believe your responsibility should extend?

Again this is a case by case basis.  I cannot answer this in any kind of simple way.  Up to this point I have accepted as much authority as has been given to me.  I have not yet been offered the reins to something I could not handle however I am constantly on guard so as not to end up in a situation akin to that of the mythical Phaeton, who took on more power than he could control and caused a terrible catastrophe. I intend to avoid that, but I have not yet hit a limit.

quote:


Now here's the kicker, has the fact that you have "dubbed" Yourself as such actually helped you be better at responsibilities than you once were?

Absolutely.  I have said it before in multiple posts.  There was a time in my life when I was unwilling to accept my own dominant traits and tried to suppress them and it only caused all kinds of trouble for me, since I seemed to naturally gravitate into situations where I really needed to be dominant.  If the situation became extreme enough, then my natural dominance would kick in and I would find that I could more than handle the situation and generally improved things for myself and others involved, as well as dealing with the crisis (giving me a reputation as a miracle worker, which I was actually afraid of, since it increased peoples expectations of me).  If it did not reach crisis levels, however, then I would not feel compelled to take charge and things tended to turn out very badly.  The day I realized that I deserved those things which came to me naturally and and that I did not need to feel guilty for accepting them and their accompanying responsibilities, then suddenly I found the task to be a joyful one and my whole life changed.  I am a natural dominant.  When I refused to accept my nature I was miserable, but now, having accepted that this is who I really am I am happier and more successful than I ever thought I could be.



CatdeMedici -> RE: A Dominants Responsibilities--or not (1/11/2009 3:22:57 PM)

Like you and those who posted before you,
 
I am a Dominant because of who I am
I am not who I am because I orient as a Dominant
 
I take responsibilities very seriously, My home is established, as such I know what will and won't work. When I ask a submissive to consider, I am very aware of what I expect, what I require and what I have to accept. When I say, I will shoulder the responsibility,  I mean that--however, I am not going to start down the road with extenuating circumstances, but if I say I'm there, you can bet I am.



littlewonder -> RE: A Dominants Responsibilities--or not (1/11/2009 3:23:33 PM)

I am responsible for myself.
Master is responsible for himself.
I am responsible to others who are close to me simply because I choose to be a civil human being.
And thus I would assume Master feels about the same.



LaTigresse -> RE: A Dominants Responsibilities--or not (1/11/2009 5:02:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

What do you see as the responsibility of you as a Dominant in general? 

 
My responsibilities as a dominant are the same as my responsibilities as a human being and a partner in the relationship.  To conduct myself with dignity, to act with integrity, to be honest and straightforward, and to treat my partner with love and respect.
 
quote:

 
At what point do you feel that responsibility should start/end?

 
My responsibilities begin and end with me, my words, and my actions. 
 
quote:

  
As a Dominant, what responsibilites will you absolutely not take on?

 
I will not take responsibility for anothers thoughts and feelings. 
 
 
quote:

 
 How far do you intend, believe your responsibility should extend?

 
See above.
 
quote:

 
Now here's the kicker, has the fact that you have "dubbed" Yourself as such actually helped you be better at responsibilities than you once were?



I think I don't understand this question.


This sums up my feelings quite well.



MadRabbit -> RE: A Dominants Responsibilities--or not (1/11/2009 5:38:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
What do you see as the responsibility of you as a Dominant in general?
 

As a Man, anything involving my own personal life. It's my responsibility as a dominant in a relationship to provide direction, guidance, and make decisions over areas of someone's life that have been relinquished to me. As a partner and companion, it's my responsibility to be there and support my girl when it is needed.
 
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
At what point do you feel that responsibility should start/end?


Read above. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici 
As a Dominant, what responsibilites will you absolutely not take on?


I am not responsible for her emotions, her behavior, her choices, her obedience, and her actions that are not a result of my direct order. If I give her a command, then it's not a choice so I am responsible for the results of that command.

Anything else determines where we are at in the relationship.
 
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
How far do you intend, believe your responsibility should extend?

 
Read above.
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
Now here's the kicker, has the fact that you have "dubbed" Yourself as such actually helped you be better at responsibilities than you once were?


Yes, because the identity of Dominant played a large part in my development of my own philosophy and principles. When I was younger, I never embraced "responsibility" as a virtue for myself. Thus embracing that as a virtue made me much more responsible than I was. Hence, it helped me to grow up more and become more of a man.
 




pompeii -> RE: A Dominants Responsibilities--or not (1/12/2009 12:22:45 AM)

IMHO, being a "Top" more so than a "Dom", my responsibility to her is to play with her in such a way that it elicits her orgasm all the while fulfilling my need to envision her as my personal slave girl.



chezzy71 -> RE: A Dominants Responsibilities--or not (1/12/2009 5:27:45 AM)

What i love about Mistress is that there are no gray areas.It is all cut and dried.Take it or leave or whatever analogy you wish to use.We have yet to meet but there is already an understanding and acceptance of what must be and what her responsibilities are.I could not ask for more than what she has shared with me regarding that.



Jeptha -> RE: A Dominants Responsibilities--or not (1/12/2009 5:35:39 PM)

Good questions!
I like to try and whip out some answers off the top of my head, though I'm sure I'll forget stuff;
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

What do you see as the responsibility of you as a Dominant in general?
To bring a little extra attentiveness and energy (at least occasionally) and to communicate well.
To exercise responsible oversight (at least for the part I play in the parntership).
It may not be that different from any other type of relationship, except that the metaphors are different, which brings a slightly different perspective and consequently a slightly more straightforward approach.

quote:


At what point do you feel that responsibility should start/end?
As a Dominant, what responsibilites will you absolutely not take on?

It's starts with trying to be a decent friend and a worthwhile companion.
To be honest and direct.
I don't take responsibility for someone else's happiness, but I like the idea of trying to do no harm. Or, if that is unavoidable, to endeavor to at least be considerate about it.
quote:


Now here's the kicker, has the fact that you have "dubbed" Yourself as such actually helped you be better at responsibilities than you once were?
You know, I think so. I think the metaphors you use do influence the way you think about things and the approach you use.
I used to be terrible at communicating (and inept at figuring out what was going on in my own head, even) and it was a long slog to improve on that, and though I'm much more comfortable with where I am now, I am still working on it.
It also took time and practice to accept responsibility for myself and my own well-being.
It takes a while to get over that initial impulse to whine and wonder why the world doesn't conform itself to your own wishes.
Part of growing up, I guess.



hereyesruponyou -> RE: A Dominants Responsibilities--or not (1/12/2009 5:51:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

What do you see as the responsibility of you as a Dominant in general?
 


As a Dominant, i really have no responsibility, other than to treat others as i would like to be treated. As his Dominant, i have agreed to take on a much higher level of responsibility toward him and our relationship. It is my responsibility to guide and direct our relationship in a positive direction. To give him the opportunity to grow as a submissive and person. To be a mirror to him so that he can be proud of his accomplishments and work to improve on his shortcomings in a positive manner. I have agreed to meet his needs as a submissive and my pet because this is what truly makes me happy.

quote:


At what point do you feel that responsibility should start/end?
 


My responsibility started when he accepted my collar and will end when i take it back. He knew the requirements of belonging to me and what actions, issues, etc would cause the loss of such an honor. His choices are his own and the consequences of such are also his.

quote:


As a Dominant, what responsibilites will you absolutely not take on?


I will not be responsible for the choices he makes that he knows are against my wishes, desires or rules. I will not take responsibility for his poor judgement if he chooses not to seek my counsil. I can not be responsible for consequences that are beyond my control.
 
quote:


How far do you intend, believe your responsibility should extend?
 


I intend it to extend into both of our daily lives for as long as it lasts. To make promises or suggestions of forever would  be silly to me.

quote:


Now here's the kicker, has the fact that you have "dubbed" Yourself as such actually helped you be better at responsibilities than you once were?
 


No. But that is because i have always tended to be the dominant one in most situations, according to my mom since i was about 3. I can say that the journey i have traveled throughout my work and family life has led me to be a much better dominant.



thetammyjo -> RE: A Dominants Responsibilities--or not (1/13/2009 7:29:51 AM)

The below are my answers for me and my household -- not for anyone else reading this.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

I thought this may be a nice offshoot to the post that potahotass did--its not pointing at her issue at all (and I have a dear friend who is going through the same kind of quandry)--but perhaps a forum to get thoughts and ideas ( and I am sure more than a few opinions).
 
We seem to see post after post about a Dominants lack of responsibility, how they've dumped and run, mislead subs, etc etc etc. First, I don't happen to think that just because someone dubs themselves a Dominant, that they will have any more sense of responsibility than they would in a vanilla world. However, it is an interesting question:
 
What do you see as the responsibility of you as a Dominant in general?
 


Learning all the techniques I need and performing them to the best of my ability. Being honest about my abilities -- never taken on more than I can realistically do. Be aware of my own needs and wants and looking to those in a consistent fashion while not ignoring my slave's. Thinking both immediate and long-term about the decisions I make for us both and asking for information/taking the time to make wise decisions. Being as clear a possible with my commands and directions and making sure they reflect reality so we are set up to succeed and not fail.

quote:


At what point do you feel that responsibility should start/end?
 


For me responsibility grows over time. The authority I exercise now is much greater than I did during training and has grown each year of ownership because I learn more and thus am able to make more decisions.

quote:


As a Dominant, what responsibilites will you absolutely not take on?
 
How far do you intend, believe your responsibility should extend?
 


Same answer to both of these.

I do not believe it is healthy for me to ever take on the authority to make decisions for my slave that a healthy adult human being should be able to make on his own or with consultation with his family/partner. However how we judge what those are may differ from what you believe they should be so I won't make a long list here.

quote:


Now here's the kicker, has the fact that you have "dubbed" Yourself as such actually helped you be better at responsibilities than you once were?
 


Of course.

Accepting that responsibility, seeing myself as the owner in this dynamic, gives me both a sense of right to make the necessary decisions but also impresses upon me the need for making the wisest ones possible. While I will never remove my slave's input or ability to make adult decisions, all my decisions will impact his future (and mine) whether I remain with him or not.

To complicate this further since I'm head of a poly household, my decisions directly affect three people currently and the future may affect more.

If I just did these things because "society said so" or "I had no choice" I think it would be much easier to make careless decisions or selfish decisions. By consciously accepting my personality and my ability to lead I have consciously accepted the full range of benefits and responsibilities involved.

Trust me, there are indeed benefits but being owner is not a carefree existence any more than being owned is.



MisterP61 -> RE: A Dominants Responsibilities--or not (1/13/2009 10:09:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

What do you see as the responsibility of you as a Dominant in general? 

 
My responsibilities as a dominant are the same as my responsibilities as a human being and a partner in the relationship.  To conduct myself with dignity, to act with integrity, to be honest and straightforward, and to treat my partner with love and respect.
 
quote:

 
At what point do you feel that responsibility should start/end?

 
My responsibilities begin and end with me, my words, and my actions. 
 
quote:

  
As a Dominant, what responsibilites will you absolutely not take on?

 
I will not take responsibility for anothers thoughts and feelings. 
 
 
quote:

 
 How far do you intend, believe your responsibility should extend?

 
See above.
 
quote:

 
Now here's the kicker, has the fact that you have "dubbed" Yourself as such actually helped you be better at responsibilities than you once were?



I think I don't understand this question.


This sums up my feelings quite well.


Ditto.



OmegaG -> RE: A Dominants Responsibilities--or not (1/13/2009 10:14:10 AM)

in a perfect world, all people would treat others with kindess, consideration and repsect.  Not just Doms, but men and women accross the board would communicate rather then run or hide.  All who sought closure would get it openly and honestly and on the flip side, the one that was doing the breaking up could do so without fear of getting stalked in anyway because the other person isn't ready to let go.

yeah, when I rule the world it would be a requirement of all humans no matter what lable they place on themselves.



feydeplume -> RE: A Dominants Responsibilities--or not (1/13/2009 10:28:44 AM)

OOOO, Can i vote for you? maybe get a petition going or something? ****thinks for a moment***


what do we do with the people that refuse to be human to each other? I have a few ideas and an extra hairdryer...



CreativeDominant -> RE: A Dominants Responsibilities--or not (1/13/2009 12:23:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

I thought this may be a nice offshoot to the post that potahotass did--its not pointing at her issue at all (and I have a dear friend who is going through the same kind of quandry)--but perhaps a forum to get thoughts and ideas ( and I am sure more than a few opinions).
 
We seem to see post after post about a Dominants lack of responsibility, how they've dumped and run, mislead subs, etc etc etc. First, I don't happen to think that just because someone dubs themselves a Dominant, that they will have any more sense of responsibility than they would in a vanilla world. However, it is an interesting question:
 
What do you see as the responsibility of you as a Dominant in general?

 
I agree with you...just because someone dubs themselves a dominant doesn't mean that they WILL be any more responsible than they were before the "dubbing".  Hopefully, they will have read and learned and gone through some self-scrutiny and will have come to realize that if you are going to be a dominant that is worth something to someone, then you follow through on what you promise to do. 
In general, that is how I see it...I don't take on responsibility I don't want or that I know, no matter how hard it may be to realize it, I cannot take on and complete successfully.  For example, I do not wish to be someone's marital counselor.  Getting involved with my first submissive is a good example of this...I told her at the beginning that I was not going to spend my time with her trying to solve her and her husband's problems if she brought them to me.  I would fulfill the obligation of being supportive, of being a good listener, of "being there" for her but I did NOT want to get drawn into a situation of "you should go home and tell him this" or "make him do that" or "you should leave him", etc..  That is not my job and I don't want it.  She understood this and it never proved necessary for me to remind her of it...partially because of our agreement and partially because she had a good marriage overall.  I DID help her with her weight control as that was something she asked me to oversee along with her general health as she had a tendency to blow her own off and worry about everyone else's.

 
quote:

At what point do you feel that responsibility should start/end?
  This is somewhat alluded to up above but I will take this question as asking at what point do the obligations start and at what point do they end?
They start when they are discussed-considered-agreed upon/not agreed upon,  whether tis  prior to becoming a Dominant/submissive couple or becoming a D/s couple.  For example, the weight thing with the submissive noted above was taken on before we became a couple...shortly before but still before.
When do they end?  A bit trickier here...the easy and "happy" answer is that they end when it is mutually upon that the dominant will no longer be responsible for the obligations he took on because life has taken them on differing paths.  In reality, they end when the submissive no longer wants you to maintain those obligations or when you no longer want to maintain those obligations.  This usually happens when a D/s couple breaks up although not necessarily.  I've maintained an obligation of checking into my first submissive's health and doing what I can to ensure that she is following through as she should.  However, since she has become a dominant herself, she has also become aware of the need to take care of her own health at the same time as she is expecting her submissive to take care of his.  
 
quote:

As a Dominant, what responsibilites will you absolutely not take on?
I don't wish to be someone's counselor...whether it be substance abuse, marital, career, financial, etc..  The two I absolutely stay away from is substance abuse and a poor marriage.  In the first case, I have limited knowledge of all that goes into substance abuse and I wish to be a partner, not an enabler or the "asshole" that keeps them away from what they want.  So if I were to become involved with someone on that spiral...and I would have to love them to do so, I would insist they follow through on getting help and I would be supportive as long as they are getting that help but I am not going to be the one to break them of it.  Marital...I have no wish to be the "third" party to a break-up nor do I wish for all that drama to come into my life.  My second submissive was sent home by me because she would not end a marriage that had been in limbo since shortly before I knew her...and we were together 3 years.  Her failure to end it began to make me feel more and more like the dirty little secret...though all parties knew...on the side.  
 
quote:

How far do you intend, believe your responsibility should extend?
 
At this point in my life, I feel like my responsibility should be compatible to what the submissive wants and needs.  I have spent time during the last 10 years involved with a submissive with DID.  She asked me to take on responsibilities that she had no right to ask for and, if I had been thinking rationally instead of in a "white knight" manner, I never would have.  If I'd not allowed myself to care so easily, I would not have.  If I'd not believed...naively...that the "good" personality overruled the bad and would not lie to me (in short, if I would have remembered everything I've ever learned about manipulative people, men or women), I would not have.  I took on obligations that included loyalty, patience, understanding of situations that in, dealing with someone of "normal" behavior/temperament/mental state, would have seemed rife for suspicion and I followed through on those because of who and what I have tried to become.  That experience threatened to make me bitter and cynical towards most females and not just submissives and, to an extent...sadly...it has.  Because of that experience, I've become more cautious though I do my level best to take everyone on the basis of who and what they are and not color it with something that is not their fault.  
If she wants more from me than what I can give or want to give...financial security, children, the high life, 24/7 overt dominant displays, no romance, solving her career problems, etc....than she and I are not compatible in the responsibility arena.  If she wants someone who will be responsible for loving her as much as he uses her, for making her feel that she is more than what she sometimes feels she is, for listening to her when she's had a bad day, for giving guidance in the areas where it is asked for, for treating her with cruelty that is filled with desire and kindness, for treating her with kindness and desire and love that is also disciplined, for being open-minded enough to accept her sexuality at its most wanton level, for standing up for her and, if need be, to her, etc., than we are compatible.
 
quote:

Now here's the kicker, has the fact that you have "dubbed" Yourself as such actually helped you be better at responsibilities than you once were?
  Not so much...as the child of two "functioning" alcoholics, I began to take on responsibility pretty early.  Getting my degree and becoming a healthcare professional and then a husband and father led me to dig in deeper and find responsibility.  I have not always been successful at it and I would be the first to tell you that...in fact, I just did...but I am pretty damn good at picking up and continuing on.
 



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