Redefining myself...

Redefining myself... (Full Version)

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WestBaySlave -> Redefining myself... (1/12/2009 12:42:19 AM)
It's been a busy year for me in terms of exploring both myself and "the scene". I've come to realize that not only is it hard for me to find what I'm looking for; it's also hard for me to define it and express it well. Perhaps I'm not entirely sure myself, but I know my ideas of what I want and need in a relationship are quite different than they were even six months ago. I know my submission isn't a permanent state, but an emotion I feel towards someone, often similar to and connected with love. I am not submissive to everyone, and that "everyone" includes dominants I'm not in a relationship with. I know I cannot submit to someone who I don't like, and the more like a man, especially as a friend and romantically, the more submissive I am to him. If I try to force myself to submit to a dominant I don't like, not only is it quite unpleasant, I feel unfulfilled, angry and depressed, and I wind up failing at submission on most levels. I know sex and kink are far down my list when it comes to relationship priorities. They can be fun, but when it comes down to what I find myself yearning for, the B,S and M are superfluous compared to the D of "BDSM", and all of it is superfluous compared to emotional intimacy. Yes, reciprocal love is my number one goal here, but I know I need it within a D/s structure. Just how much of that structure I need, I'm not sure. My ideal is a mutually satisfying TPE, but I've found the majority of dominants seeking TPE seek something quite different from what I'm looking for. On the other hand, I find many dominants seeking more independent relationships seek a vanilla relationship with kink in the bedroom, where as for me, the emotional and mental aspects of D/s are the most important and the kink activities are fairly irrelevant. I'm homosexual and monogamous, and there's not much I can do about either, despite the fact that if I was polyamorous and bisexual my pool of potential partners would be exponentially enlarged. Unfortunately, there are very few people I like. I smirk internally at sixty-somethings looking for "that perfect, muscular, blond, blue-eyed, eighteen-year-old virgin twink boy," but really, my expectations aren't much more realistic. I don't really care about looks, but I seek someone who's caring, intelligent, perceptive, amusing and is compatible with a submissive of my type. I've spoken to possibly thousands online and haven't found that person, yet if I lower my standards too far, I run across the problem of not being able to be someones submissive. I know the old cliche about bad luck in love - the only common denominator between me and and all these men is me, so I know I must be doing something wrong. My profiles here and elsewhere do need a serious over-haul to reflect who I am more accurately, but in general I'm not entirely how to accurately represent myself, and that if can do just that, who would want me. That last sentence was not at all meant to be self-pitying, just me wondering if my desires are so specific as to make me essentially out-of-the-running. I'd rarely write doms because, though I check out lots of profiles, they're either not what I'm looking for or I'm not what they're looking for. But anyway, meeting possibilities aren't really the point of this post. What I'm trying to do is figure out what I can to present myself better and attract the attention of compatible people. I'm not counting on the universe to give me what I'm searching for, but I want to be the best I can be at looking for it.

agirl -> RE: Redefining myself... (1/12/2009 1:46:37 AM)
You've got quite an agenda going on there.. Snip and quote Yes, reciprocal love is my number one goal here, but I know I need it within a D/s structure... but I seek someone who's caring, intelligent, perceptive, amusing and is compatible with a submissive of my type. Unquote It's a good thing to have an idea of what you'd like and what you wouldn't like but the problem with looking is that it often means you end up with the agenda right up there, driving it. Getting to know people as 'people', without the idea of them being a 'potential' removes the agenda. If your main thrust in getting to know someone is filtered through your agenda-goggles, you can miss and dismiss an awful lot that you may find attractive , given half a chance. It's not always a case of lowering your standards...........but being aware that the mixture of things you might like can come in all sorts of different guises and something suitable could be right under your nose, just packaged in a way that was outside your criteria. Somehow it sounds like Ebay ...looking for something specific and rejecting and rejecting because there may be something better on the next page or the next day. agirl

WestBaySlave -> RE: Redefining myself... (1/12/2009 3:04:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: agirl Getting to know people as 'people', without the idea of them being a 'potential' removes the agenda. The irony here is that that is usually something I'm wanting to do but most others aren't. Though it's an extreme example, not long ago I was told after an otherwise pleasant conversation that, "We've been speaking for an hour. What more do you need to know? Be my slave now." This wasn't meant playfully or jokingly. The dom in question was quite offended when I declined the offer, and while this is an extreme example, it's hardly atypical. With most encounters I have place on sites like these "getting to know you" always takes second place to "getting to own you". Honestly, if I had avenues for just getting to know dominants on a more casual and less "decide sooner rather than later" stance, I would. If I don't accept or reject on a fairly rapid basis by my own choice, unless there's some glaring incompatibility, like them being sub, poly, or someone just looking for a hotel employee ( ah, the wonders of my Collarme inbox [&:] ). I do appreciate your advice and I don't want this to seem like a rebuttal, but I think I've only received one or two "want to talk" type of messages compared to a vast sea of "be my slave now" introductions.

marie2 -> RE: Redefining myself... (1/12/2009 3:29:31 AM)
quote: I'm not counting on the universe to give me what I'm searching for Why the fuck not?

DesFIP -> RE: Redefining myself... (1/12/2009 3:38:49 AM)
That's the same problem any sub seeking a relationship gets. Much more of the "kneel bitch" stuff than of people seeking to connect as friends and willing to allow the relationship to grow or not, on its own. Added to that is your being gay, which limits your pool of possible people especially online. And the fact that monogamy is less of the norm in the d/s gay community. I'm not sure if there's a thriving gay community where you live, if so I would recommend meeting people in more vanilla places. And just telling them what you like if you feel a spark. Are there any gay only D/s sites?

agirl -> RE: Redefining myself... (1/12/2009 4:19:56 AM)
I do see your problem. If you're restricted to looking online for people, do you use chatrooms? Some of them at least offer the chance to bump into the same people and develop a bit of a chat thing in a kind of 'group' setting rather than the CM 'dating' shop. Is there nothing near you where you could go out in the flesh, either gay or bdsm type, as DesFIP mentioned? agirl

chamberqueen -> RE: Redefining myself... (1/12/2009 7:24:47 AM)
Possibly the most difficult part of what you are looking for is a Master who is not poly. I never believed that I could handle a poly relationship but when I met my Master I knew quickly that we were right for each other. It will never be a romance, and he will be poly until the day that he dies, yet he makes me feel that I am something very special to him. I found that when it boiled down to it that what I was really looking for was willing to give myself wholeheartedly to someone as long as I could tell that they truly appreciated it. I couldn't give myself to just anyone - you have the right to be choosy. After all, you are offering this person your mind and body. It is not unusual to redefine yourself again once you are in the relationship. It will go along with your Master's desires and how compatible they are with yours. It is good to stay flexible and allow yourself to evolve. If anyone would have given me a description of my situation today a year and a half ago I would have told them that there was no possible way. Because I met a person that I feel totally compatible with and have learned to trust with all of my heart I was able to make changes. It takes some sifting to find the right person, and there will be bumps in the road. You owe it to yourself not to settle for someone incompatible unless you just need the release of play. If that's the case, know that it is the reason you are with the person and keep your eyes open for someone that you can truly give yourself to. They will come along.

WestBaySlave -> RE: Redefining myself... (1/12/2009 8:15:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: marie2 quote: I'm not counting on the universe to give me what I'm searching for Why the fuck not? Sometimes life doesn't give you what you want. If I never find a master, there are many other things to enjoy in life. quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Added to that is your being gay, which limits your pool of possible people especially online. And the fact that monogamy is less of the norm in the d/s gay community. I'd definitely say monogamous relationships are less common. What I notice most is that there is a noticeable correlation between how intense - that's not a value judgment; I'm just trying to find the right word - the D/s elements of the relationship are and monogamy. Among self-identified masters, only a very small percentage are monogamous - somewhere between one in fifty and one in a hundred. Dominants who differentiate themselves from masters there are more interested in monogamy, probably somewhere between one in ten and one in thirty. Guys who identify more as BDSM tops - i.e. kink in the bedroom; vanilla elsewhere - are the most likely to be interested in monogamy, and I'd say that among those looking for a serious relationship, about half are seeking just that. These are all fairly fluid categories, and I see it as kind a sliding scale between TPE and vanilla relationships. In general, the closer to TPE, the less likely the man in question is interested in monogamy. Going on second-hand experience, this is fairly true among gay subs as well as doms; even some of the most experienced dominants I've spoken to were rather surprised by a monogamous slave ( to quote one - "You mean you don't WANT to be used by my friends? That's a first." ). There are also a noticeable generational difference in dominants. The ones under forty and especially tend to be more open to monogamy. However, I'm rarely physically attractive enough for that set, and tend to get along better with older guys anyhow. Another factor is when someone became involved in the scene. Guys who became involved early-nineties and earlier tend be nearly exclusively polyamorous ( I know of only one who isn't ). Guys who've become involved within the last ten years tend to be much more open to monogamy, whether they're twenty or seventy. This is all just casual and very un-scientific observation, but I've spoken to a fairly large crossection. quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP I'm not sure if there's a thriving gay community where you live, if so I would recommend meeting people in more vanilla places. And just telling them what you like if you feel a spark. Very quiet mid-sized gay community, and one that's pretty much moved online. On the upside, there's a lot of tolerance locally. Though I find old hanky-code business a tad silly, I had thought of putting a blank hanky in my right pocket as a discreet bit of advertising. quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Are there any gay only D/s sites? Quite a few, but only one active one: Recon. It's actually a lot busier than Collarme, but the quality is lower - the "kneel bitch" to genuine conversation ratio weighs heavily towards the former. [:D] I don't regret my time there, though. Despite the overall lack of quality, I have met quite a few nice guys, and I made one good friend there ( who spent a good five months being the object of my unrequited love... but that's a different story! ) quote: ORIGINAL: agirl I do see your problem. If you're restricted to looking online for people, do you use chatrooms? Some of them at least offer the chance to bump into the same people and develop a bit of a chat thing in a kind of 'group' setting rather than the CM 'dating' shop. I hadn't thought of this - are there any places you particularly recommend? quote: ORIGINAL: agirl Is there nothing near you where you could go out in the flesh, either gay or bdsm type, as DesFIP mentioned? agirl The local real-time gathering among people in the BDSM scene is quite limited. There is a local once a month meeting that unfortunately coincides with classes, so I'll have to hold on that till July. All in all, I'm trying not to be pessimistic... perhaps fatalistic is a better term for my headspace. I do want it, I don't count on it, and I've resolved myself to the possibiltity of it never happening.

aravain -> RE: Redefining myself... (1/12/2009 9:57:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave All in all, I'm trying not to be pessimistic... perhaps fatalistic is a better term for my headspace. I do want it, I don't count on it, and I've resolved myself to the possibiltity of it never happening. Just with that you've defined exactly what I've done, as well. It's not a wonderful feeling, but it's better than hope-turned-sour eating at a heart.

agirl -> RE: Redefining myself... (1/13/2009 1:32:16 AM)
I know alt.com has chatrooms based on countries, so has a UK 'room' etc. which has a core of regulars that chat , meet up and so on. In many ways it's far easier in the UK because nowhere is too far away as we're a small country and there's bdsm stuff going on from one end to the other. agirl

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