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LadyShoshin -> RE: Definitions (8/11/2004 10:07:04 AM)
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My opinion only, garnered from 5 years in real life BDSM community.
This will be very simplified and general, but please bear with me.
Top(may be time limited activity)Into the physical play, not into ownership or long term domination --------------------------Dominant Into both physical, mental domination and possibly ownership (the dotted lines represent a continuum, a person may fit anywhere along that continuum) There is no better than or more "twue" than.
Bottom(may be time limited activity)Into the physical aspect of play, may serve as part of scene, but the scene is on their terms in that what happens has been previously negotiated and approved by the bottom -----------------------Submissive Into service and submission to another person, after negotiations, gives up control, in a relationship may find limits being pushed. Again each person may fit anywhere along the continuum and there is no better than or more "twue" than.
I wrote an article for an e-zine and as the author am free to reproduce it here.
Because I am a switch, I am able to access two facets of my personality, the Dominant and the submissive. I was asked to consider writing about why, for now, I have chosen to set aside my submissiveness and look for a stable of part time male subs.
My reason for the change can be summed up in one word, CONTROL. While bottoming I offer up my control to someone I trust to have my best interests at heart. There are very few I have ever given full control to.
I am writing this in my journal, sitting on a hospital bed as my roommate spins tales about her past. I sit waiting for a doctor to come back and grant me a pass, waiting for an insurance company to deem me worthy of coverage for my illness.
Last year an employer took away my control of my life by drastically changing my job, since then I have felt my personal control slipping away like sand through my fingers.
Losing my choices in vanilla life, I turn to my kink life to reestablish a sense of empowerment. The awareness that male subs expect someone strong and in control make me reach deep within myself for the resources I know are there.
Being vulnerable to outside forces in my vanilla life has made me put a protective wall around the vulnerability I feel when submitting. I have bottomed to a trusted Dom friend, but the sub is tucked away. For me, submission means voluntarily giving over control to another human being, putting myself body, heart, mind and soul into the hands of another. Bottoming for me is a physical release, a catharsis, early on in my BDSM journey, I discovered that physical pain can help me to access emotional pain and let go of it. Bottoming still allows me to reach deep within myself for that dark place where I can fly. Fortunately I have been in the lifestyle long enough that I have taken note of who is trustworthy to help me reach that place.
Interviewing men for positions as part time submissives allows me to practice a range of play from soft and sensual to harsh and demanding. It also helps me avoid deep emotional attachments before I have worked through my current issues and regained a sense of autonomy in my life. Because I am taking on several part time submissives, I am not focusing all of my attention and feelings on one person, it helps me keep an arm’s length attitude to the relationship. I find in interviewing male submissives that I am the one in control; I listen to their conversation and take note of anything that stands out as something they crave or something they want to avoid. If they are interested in activities that I don’t care for I have the freedom to say no and have it stick as opposed to being interviewed by a Dom who would suggest that in time we will push that limit. I have become the limit pusher. Bottoming gives me the chance to go to a Dom with a certain skill I want to experience and ask if they would be willing to Top me, we negotiate my limits and because it is not an ongoing play relationship, there is no talk of gradually pushing my boundaries. Even as bottom, I still maintain the control.
I meet submissives in a public place and talk one to one on a human basis, not as Domme/sub, but I caution them, that should I decide to take them on, they will not find me as accommodating and polite. I also warn them to be careful what they ask me to help them improve in their lives, like punctuality or manners as that is what I will become very strict about and be meticulous in demanding improvement. As a submissive, I would be the one bowing to a Dom’s wishes and striving for improvement according to their timetable. As it is now, I am undergoing self improvement at my own rate under my own conditions.
I am entering a time of introspection and study, finding a path that will carry me into retirement and beyond. Whether I will ever submit to anyone ever again is something I cannot predict, how my path will impact my BDSM lifestyle is also an unknown for now.
But in the here and now I am focusing on my spirituality and my domination, both of which are returning to me a sense of the personal control that has been taken from me.
Strangely enough, in my vanilla life, I am declaring bankruptcy and rather than feeling out of control, as I have been, the process is returning my feeling of getting a handle on my life. This is reflected in my increasing empowerment in my BDSM life.
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