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RE: Marriage past ? - 1/13/2009 9:27:52 PM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aneirin

If you have been married before  and you have left that marrige and now see the situation as you had married the wrong person, how do you feel about that person you married ?


I don't think i married the wrong person at the time but i do think i married the wrong person if i wanted forever. When my ex and i got together i was only 17 and he was 20ish. We got married when i was 19 and at that time we were a really good match. A couple of years later we were divorced, we'd both grown up and grown into different people.
We have a daughter together and have argued claw and tooth over her in the past. Only because we both wanted what is best for her though and our ideas of what is best vastly differ.
Now the daughter is 16 we have no real reason to communicate that much and we don't. I'm indifferent to him at best.

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RE: Marriage past ? - 1/13/2009 10:49:23 PM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
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From: Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

I was married for roughly a decade and while I still care for (and yes I guess in a way love) her, I will never forgive her for what she did during the divorce process.


This is what cinched it for me as well.  It's not a case of forgiveness for me, it's not like I'm pissed off over it anymore, so it's more like a case of I came to terms with it a long time ago, and just don't care or give it thought any longer.  But it did kill any hope for even a friendship. 

< Message edited by marie2 -- 1/13/2009 10:53:49 PM >

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RE: Marriage past ? - 1/14/2009 12:18:19 AM   
MissMorrigan


Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		When I had gotten married to my now ex husband, it was to a man who was considerably older than myself and someone who had been a bachelor for most of his adult life - bachelor-hood was ingrained in him, he was used to doing things his own way and not sharing his personal space. Our divorce was amicable. He has, and always will, remain a dear and loving friend. Until I met my present partner, my ex hubby would even spend each Christmas with me/my family and I'm sure that at some point in future years, he will again as he gets along with my partner. My partner knows that my exhubby is dearly loved by me (platonically, of course) and that there will always be consistent contact between us.

I didn't marry the wrong person per se - who dictates that relationships are 'forever'? Relationships, and the people in them, evolve.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aneirin
I know of the change, as to what causes it, that I am clueless, but can as many do, speculate. The point of my question, though I do welcome the replies so far, is directed more towards a person who has experienced marriage, without the change caused by UM birth.


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RE: Marriage past ? - 1/14/2009 2:45:10 AM   
pixidustpet


Posts: 857
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline 		wolf and i were married for 16 years.  most of that was struggle, most of it i was in ill health.  we grew in different directions, and he resents me for "giving up".  if i gave up, i wouldnt be alive.  he's mad because i didnt seek medical attention, and wont hear that HIS share of the costs would have been astronomical even with insurance. 

on the other hand, he's an excellent father and continues to be so.  the imp is happy living with him.  (the imp chose, and i accepted that choice.)  wolf and i get along fine now that we arent married to one another any longer.

kitten

(in reply to Lockit)
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RE: Marriage past ? - 1/14/2009 4:02:50 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Im the male version of what La Tigresse went thru. People do change and fall out of love.

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RE: Marriage past ? - 1/14/2009 2:51:01 PM   
StrictnSaucy


Posts: 363
Joined: 1/6/2005
Status: offline 		I was not married to my ex but we did live together for the best part of 8 years. We had no children (thankfully!) I outgrew the relationship and him. I feel indifference. As LaT said - its like a book I read or film I saw -there are memories there but they are hard to identify with it. But I let it drag on far far to long!

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RE: Marriage past ? - 1/14/2009 5:11:51 PM   
ThundersCry


Posts: 892
Status: offline 		I am just elated she belongs to someone else....now.

(in reply to Aneirin)
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RE: Marriage past ? - 1/14/2009 6:18:49 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		The first time, I married the wrong person FOR ME.   But he's not a bad person.  We're still friendly...he's like a cousin I don't see very often, almost a buddy, but not quite.  If I was in trouble and needed something, he'd be the first one there to help me, and I would do the same for him.  We'll always share the kids, and now, the grandkid(s), and it's cool.

Second time, I married a monster.  I feel nothing but disgust for him and always will.

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RE: Marriage past ? - 1/14/2009 7:04:04 PM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		It is very ironic how often people get along better once they are no longer married and living under the same roof.  Some people just do very poorly living with another human being at all.

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RE: Marriage past ? - 1/14/2009 9:02:31 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		The marriage probably would have lasted if we never had children, certainly the odds would have been better if one wasn't very ill. He couldn't stand the fact that she required most of my attention. He was never there for her, nor for me. As long as everything centered around him, things were fine.

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RE: Marriage past ? - 1/15/2009 4:58:30 PM   
Rayne58


Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline 		My ex and I married when I was 19 and he was 22.  He turned out to be immature and emotionally abusive and manipulative.  If we hadn't had children I probably wouldn't have stayed as long as I did (I left when my daughter was 14 - she chose to stay with him on the farm). 

It has been nearly 7 years since I left.  I have not seen him for almost 4 years.  Our daughter is back living with him for a while and the only time I speak to him is if he answers the phone when I call her - and that is only to ask to speak to her.  He is still paying the matrimonial property settlement and will be doing so until the end of 2012. 

If I never see him again it will be too soon but no doubt there will be things crop up to do with the kids that will bring us together.  

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RE: Marriage past ? - 1/15/2009 8:58:34 PM   
Daddysredhead


Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline 		I was married for 13 years.  We were good friends, got married, eventually had 2 Things, and then stuff just seemed to change in the relationship.  He changed, I changed, and things became terribly abusive verbally and emotionally.  He began having affairs, drinking way too much, and stopped taking his bipolar meds.  It became a hell on earth.

We are decent friends now.  We try to make sure that we are good to one another for the sake of the Things.  They saw us at our worst for a long time, they don't need to see more of it.  If either of us needs help and the other can do it, we try to assist.

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Marriage past ? - 1/15/2009 11:31:25 PM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Maybe it is because the hollydays are recently past, but every time I see this thread the image of Scrooge in his nightshirt and nightcap with the Ghost of Marriage Past haunting him comes to mind. 

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE


http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to Aneirin)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Marriage past ? - 1/16/2009 12:17:19 AM   
MissMorrigan


Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		I fit into that category and feel as if my personal space is invaded (I sometimes feel quite resentful) if I share it with another person. I have always had my own space since the age of sixteen when I moved out of the parental umbrella - only to return to it some years ago when my mother had a long-term illness which meant I had to care for her. The situation was fraught for the most part as we both have similar personalities (ick) but I've found that we tend to be more tolerant of family than we do of friends/lovers.

With Reality, I have learned to share my personal space, it was slow going initially and we faced problems when the initial resentment (from me) kicked in. We worked through it, he was patient and I was aware of what was happening, which also helps.

I think the problem with divorce/partnerships ending is that we are too focused on blaming the other for its conclusion instead of seeing it as a joint problem.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Vendaval
It is very ironic how often people get along better once they are no longer married and living under the same roof.  Some people just do very poorly living with another human being at all.


_____________________________

The Tooth Fairy who teaches kids to sell body parts for money.

A free society is a society where it is safe to find one's self unpopular and where history has shown that exceptions are not that exceptional.

(in reply to Vendaval)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Marriage past ? - 1/16/2009 5:29:27 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		married for 11yrs ...divorced for 3yrs

he wasn't the "wrong" person but we got married for the wrong reasons.

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Profile   Post #: 35
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