Advice for entering the lifestyle... (Full Version)

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TJS11487 -> Advice for entering the lifestyle... (1/13/2009 10:31:11 PM)

I am a 22 yr. old straight male with dom. tendencies. In their profiles, a lot of subs ask for people who are "experienced" and "able to train." How do I get off the ground (as it were)?



pompeii -> RE: Advice for entering the lifestyle... (1/13/2009 11:11:47 PM)

Ok, so you're a dominant male looking for a submissive woman. Join the crowd. Really. I mean this sincerely. You gotta realize what it is that you are. Specifically, realize there are ten thousand men in front of you and ten thousand more behind. Another ten or twenty thousand to each side. Get that point, first, and foremost, and you'll stay sane. You only need one (or two) women so treat this like a fishing expedition where there are hundreds of thousands of similar looking boats yet you gotta catch your prize.

Now, next step is finding that womanly prize to "play" with. Hell, you're a young guy, so, find a young gal somewhere around your age. Either pop a few hints to the local college crowd nearby or place an ad or three in the local craigslist. That'll get you a few responses. Only be wary, the tide is turned when it comes to young women placing ads ... they're overwhelmed 100:1 by the spammers/scammers/picture collectors. So, if you're answering an ad reputedly placed by an 18-year-old vixen, bear in mind the real author is a fat chubby guy with greasy fingers from typing away impersonating young lovely lasses. Luckily, when I search, I'm typing up in the 40 and 50 year old range, and the spamscammers have wilted away mostly such that the junk-to-real ratio drops down to a reasonable 10:1 instead of hundreds to one for your age group. Better to place an ad yourself, but, again bear in mind, always, that there are ten thousand ads before yours and another ten thousand that will follow seconds later. So, learn to be prolific. It's your main weapon against the hordes of other dominant horny men.

OK, so you got a hit after all that. Woo hoo! Oooh la la! Now you're cooking! Not!

Nope, you gotta woo this baby, you gotta reel her in, you gotta be attentive ... you gotta be a man. Work her. Date her. Talk to her. Listen to her. Kiss her. Give her presents. (If this sounds like a lotta work, it is.) Tease her. And, if you finally get her into bed, then hold her down and test her for her submissive tendencies. I'd wager 80% of the babes will balk and 10% will only play the most vanilla of kink but if you're lucky, you got a ringer. She's a kinkster, if she's in that last 10 percent. Woo hoo. Keep that baby. Work her 'till she never wants to look at another guy again.

If she's not kinky, and if that's still what you're lookin' for, then go back to the beginning and start all over. Welcome to the world of dating. After 20 or more years of this, you'll get the hang of it. Good luck!



sybarite66 -> RE: Advice for entering the lifestyle... (1/13/2009 11:21:46 PM)

I read here quite a bit but was compelled to pipe in and say 'bravo' to you Pompeii. Listen to this man.....he knows of what he speaks



YoursMistress -> RE: Advice for entering the lifestyle... (1/13/2009 11:44:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pompeii

Ok, so you're a dominant male looking for a submissive woman. Join the crowd. Really. I mean this sincerely. You gotta realize what it is that you are. Specifically, realize there are ten thousand men in front of you and ten thousand more behind. Another ten or twenty thousand to each side. Get that point, first, and foremost, and you'll stay sane. You only need one (or two) women so treat this like a fishing expedition where there are hundreds of thousands of similar looking boats yet you gotta catch your prize.

Now, next step is finding that womanly prize to "play" with. Hell, you're a young guy, so, find a young gal somewhere around your age. Either pop a few hints to the local college crowd nearby or place an ad or three in the local craigslist. That'll get you a few responses. Only be wary, the tide is turned when it comes to young women placing ads ... they're overwhelmed 100:1 by the spammers/scammers/picture collectors. So, if you're answering an ad reputedly placed by an 18-year-old vixen, bear in mind the real author is a fat chubby guy with greasy fingers from typing away impersonating young lovely lasses. Luckily, when I search, I'm typing up in the 40 and 50 year old range, and the spamscammers have wilted away mostly such that the junk-to-real ratio drops down to a reasonable 10:1 instead of hundreds to one for your age group. Better to place an ad yourself, but, again bear in mind, always, that there are ten thousand ads before yours and another ten thousand that will follow seconds later. So, learn to be prolific. It's your main weapon against the hordes of other dominant horny men.

OK, so you got a hit after all that. Woo hoo! Oooh la la! Now you're cooking! Not!

Nope, you gotta woo this baby, you gotta reel her in, you gotta be attentive ... you gotta be a man. Work her. Date her. Talk to her. Listen to her. Kiss her. Give her presents. (If this sounds like a lotta work, it is.) Tease her. And, if you finally get her into bed, then hold her down and test her for her submissive tendencies. I'd wager 80% of the babes will balk and 10% will only play the most vanilla of kink but if you're lucky, you got a ringer. She's a kinkster, if she's in that last 10 percent. Woo hoo. Keep that baby. Work her 'till she never wants to look at another guy again.

If she's not kinky, and if that's still what you're lookin' for, then go back to the beginning and start all over. Welcome to the world of dating. After 20 or more years of this, you'll get the hang of it. Good luck!



whew!  Thank God I'm a submissive man looking for a Domme, and that I don't have to fight through fishing metaphors and hordes of horny dominant men to get my prize.  Now where did you say my prize was again....?

yours



JustDarkness -> RE: Advice for entering the lifestyle... (1/14/2009 3:50:00 AM)

beeing here is a good start to be honest.
Meting people..ask what you want to know...reading..etc.
And ofcourse..just contact people that have interesting profiles  (and yes..you will meet some assholes..lol...but not just)

(peek in at the chatrooms too)



Tristan -> RE: Advice for entering the lifestyle... (1/14/2009 6:57:44 AM)

I've found that if you connect emotionally with someone, there is a good chance that you will also connect sexually.  Maybe your fantasies will not match entirely at first, but if your a dominant, chances are your personnality will connect with submissive women.  You really just need someone willing to explore.  Then, just do what feels natural.  Take is slow at first.

I think dominant men significantly out number submissive women on these lifestyle sites, but I don't think that's true in real life. 



feydeplume -> RE: Advice for entering the lifestyle... (1/14/2009 7:49:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TJS11487

I am a 22 yr. old straight male with dom. tendencies. In their profiles, a lot of subs ask for people who are "experienced" and "able to train." How do I get off the ground (as it were)?


Something no one has mentioned yet is that to train someone one, you have to know what you want to train them to be/do/think/respond to. You might want to take some time to work out what you want from a sub, like detailed notes for yourself. It might help you get a deeper understanding of what you are looking for and what you have to offer as far as training goes.

also, if there is a local group or munch or something, try going a few times and see if anyone is willing to let you practice on them!



OsideGirl -> RE: Advice for entering the lifestyle... (1/14/2009 7:59:16 AM)

I would also recommend finding a Dom male within your local community as a mentor.



cubletMS -> RE: Advice for entering the lifestyle... (1/14/2009 8:21:48 AM)

the last two replies above would sound like the most obvious advice to me- finding older more experienced Doms who are willing to give you advice coupled with tons and tons of research. All i've been doing for most of the last year is research! And there is so much info out there in books and free on the net. Also places like this, and other sites, where you can chat to people are so helpful.

But despite doing all of the above when/if you do find a submissive you like and who likes you- you are going to have to use your intuitions, your observation and your gathered knowledge of them to try and work out what is best for the both of you specifically.

i wish you all the luck in the world! it can be a little daunting- but i have begun to find myself over the last year and i am so much more fulfilled.
*smiles*
cublet(MS)



MaamJay -> RE: Advice for entering the lifestyle... (1/15/2009 11:22:46 PM)

I agree with the Mentor ... can be Dominant male or female ... someone who will talk to you about D/s and guide some preliminary education. Real life is best but online is better than nothing. A sub friend can also aid with the mentoring, can be very helpful to explain the sub mindset, less helpful at explaining the Dominant mindset. Consider entering the local groups at some level, munches are a good way of meeting others and finding someone whom you like and can respect to guide you. Doesn't have to be a one-only mentor either, can have several if you can find them! Remember not to make yourself a carbon copy of someone else though, sift through the info you get and decide what fits "you" and what doesn't. As you progress you will develop your own style and will also start working out what you want in a sub. You'll get to the point where you can take on a sub (as opposed to a bottom for play, you could do that sooner as long as you have the safety/risk aspects sorted) ... and know how you want to train her. Then of course, you have to find one! Not always easy unfortunately but hey, you've years ahead ... pity the older ones like Me who are still looking for their one (or have found them but they live too far away!).

Maam Jay aka violet[A]



steviemichael -> RE: Advice for entering the lifestyle... (1/16/2009 1:24:46 AM)

be of singlemindness dos/donts  Most inportant protect your heart there are a lot of subbies out there who want Romance and want to be  with the 'perfect Dom many will disagree that BdsM is about sex many will say yes its about sex BUT its about sex and a romantic realtionship !
in the wise words of the singer Tina Turner "What has love got to do with it "so protect your heart have fun !



Calandra -> RE: Advice for entering the lifestyle... (1/16/2009 1:51:16 AM)

If you are sincere about gaining experience, you might also consider finding older, more experienced submissive scene partners.

If you have a scene partner you trust, you can relax and explore YOUR Dominance because she will let you know if you need to adjust your technique, etc. Quite often if you are exploring with someone as young as you, she is also less experienced, and you are having to concentrate on HER to the exclusion of yourself.

And remember, exploring with a scene partner doesn't have all the emotional baggage of a romantic relationship, which is a bonus if you are young and first starting out.



CNJDom -> RE: Advice for entering the lifestyle... (1/16/2009 3:44:04 AM)

TJS11487:  It is good that you are asking your question in the right forum being here on CM.  It's a good place to start.  So is attending munches, getting aquainted with the BDSM community by possibly joing a local or the nearest group (TES is one of the largest groups, but look around), and it doesn't hurt to read through the forums, and obtain some books on the subject (Jay Wiessman's SM 101 book for instance).  Many sources to start with and grow. 

I noticed that you mentioned that you have "dom tendencies".  As you may know, there are Dominants, submissives, and a group called switches.  The first two are obvious, but the third is unique in that it is a wildcard variable.  These individuals are blends of the first two catagories:  Dom and sub.  Switches go between the more defined roles we have, and are just as inclined to find themselves tied down and getting paddled as they are to be on the other side holding the paddle.  These people have "tendencies" or desires/triggers that bring out either Dominant behavior or submissive behavior while in session.  So think about that as you start your journey into this lifestyle.  The main thing to remember here: BE YOURSELF.  Be who you are, and not conform to what others' feel.  And this is subject to change as far as roles are concerned because it is up to you ultimately.  A mentor is a great idea by the way, for anyway that you find yourself oriented.

The "Old Guard" belief was that you had ranking status.  All started out as submissive (slave) and you learned from that...starting at the bottom as it were.  If you had potential or desire to move up the ranks,then your training would begin to include more Dominant behaviors to be exercised and brought out.  As progression set in, eventually you became a Master.  This is one school of thought.  Others through what consider from birth, or from learned responses from their individual environments growing up that shaped them in their interpersonal relationship building experiences (LIFE), will find themselves with some personal reflection, that they approach things or relationships or fetish/sexual behavior; with the desire to take charge, submit, or realize their fetish (you name it...it's all out there:  even fetishes that have no name and maybe should for clinical studies), and decide who they are through a self-labeling process.  It's good to be honest with yourself at this point.  Acceptance as well as self-acceptance is a cruical thing for us internally as well as in dealing with others in our relationships.   

Now if I haven't bored you to tears, it suffices to say, that with getting to know others in the community goes a long way.  And you'll find like-minded people there.  But there are ways to see if your girlfriend/subject is kink-worthy when you are dating.  One of the tried-n-true methods was and still could be that you're dating / seeing this girl and while you are making out laying on the bed or couch... assume a more agressive position (on top helps).  While kissing her or snuggling with her, if at sometime you gently and un-threatenly position her hands over her head, and find yourself straddling her, hold her wrists while kissing her.  You're testing the waters.  She is going to respond one way or the other...you'll know.  You can be a little vocal and playful..."Now I got you!" kind of stuff.  If she don't like it, she'll let you know.  This can open up to a little discussion at one point down the road or even right there, on if she likes/liked that, and you will know to either explore and proceed, or back off. Communication is key, and as you get into this further, it doesn't matter how educated and advanced you are or think you are:  always it's better to stay  "Safe, Sane, and Consensual"  falling outside of that is not going to be what you want really.  The communication is the consensual part...if it isn't there, it can be constituted as being illegal pretty much anywhere you are and considered rape.  But if you are both enjoying this playful making out and are testing the waters, you may get a negative response of "I don't like that/What are you doing, perv?" to  a more positive response of "MMMM yes!/Take me I'm yours!" and so on.  You may find she just wants to wrestle you, hell you may find a young Domme testing YOU out.  You never know...   Have fun, be careful, make it safe, and keep it real and learn from all you can with what you finds make you comfortable in you. 




MrDevlin -> RE: Advice for entering the lifestyle... (1/16/2009 4:43:33 AM)

Craig's List can be very effective for locating contacts, but as Pompeii said, you have to be prepared to wade thru a TON of crap.  The vast majority of responses will be from ad-redirect bots, then the actual humans(usually males) who are only fucking with you, then real and well-intended females who want actual contact but can't muster the courage, but persistence can pay off.  Search in "casual encounters" and "women seeking men", using terms like sub and submissive, etc., and respond, again being frank and honest.  It doesn't matter if they're a few weeks or even months old.  Create an honest and frank ad and repost it about once every three weeks.  Associate it to a new mail box(tons of free email client sites out there), used solely for this purpose, that is real, information-wise, only in terms of your zip code.  Don't give out your actual personal info until such time as you're face to face with a sub you intend to hold on to.  Good hunting!



DarkSteven -> RE: Advice for entering the lifestyle... (1/16/2009 5:30:27 AM)

There are two ways to do this.  One is the Pompeii method of contacting women who already know themselves to be submissive.  The second is to date vanillas, and make a few tests.  The one I like is when you make the first move, give them a long, deep kiss.  While you're kissing, give her a few firm but not terribly hard spanks.  If she responds positively or negatively, you know where you are.  If not, then when the kiss is over, say something like, "Damn, I've wanted to spank that bottom,  It's beautiful," or simply, "I liked spanking you.  Did you like it?"  Start slow and work up.

Also if you do the Pompeii method, make darn sure that you give the women attention.  Write well.  Listen carefully.  If you have a sense of humor, use it.

Finally, consider online domination to start.  It's far easier to find women up for that than RL, and it will let you get some experience in what happens between a submissive's ears.  After a few months, you'll truthfully be bale to say that you do have experience if only online, and you want to move from there to RL.



LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Advice for entering the lifestyle... (1/16/2009 5:42:16 AM)

The First thing of it is do not fallow the herd  be yourself find your own nitch 
Second read about people what made them great and what cause people to fail in business and in life
Third success is only a path you choose for your self  because understaind we can only control our selves before we can guide others
fourth Take ever advice with a grain of salt not every way is going to be an  abslute fact  but this take care of number one  so you can watch out for number two
and last point stay away from poisonous people  who suck all your money and lfie energy  will find them out very quickly
best of l uck



KnightofMists -> RE: Advice for entering the lifestyle... (1/17/2009 3:54:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TJS11487

I am a 22 yr. old straight male with dom. tendencies. In their profiles, a lot of subs ask for people who are "experienced" and "able to train." How do I get off the ground (as it were)?


a good start would be to open your eyes!



mc1234 -> RE: Advice for entering the lifestyle... (1/17/2009 6:45:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
The one I like is when you make the first move, give them a long, deep kiss.  While you're kissing, give her a few firm but not terribly hard spanks.  If she responds positively or negatively, you know where you are.


Oh, my ... I usually agree with most of what you write, DarkSteven, but this time I have to disagree.  If the OP is going to date vanilla women his age and he starts out with the first move and kiss swatting her behind, even lightly, he may scare even someone willing away.  She may be only discovering her inner desires, and moving this quickly seems a bit wrong to me.  I didn't understand my desires until I was in my 30's, although I would have welcomed being pinned, light wrestling, holding my hands at my side or behind my back, that sort of thing, early in a relationship, without being scared away.  I wish I'd found someone to do that when I was young - I'd have enjoyed my first spanking much earlier in life.  

Now, however, if I were dating someone I didn't know identified as a Dom and he spanked on the first kiss, I'd melt.  But back in my early 20's, not so much.

Just offering another perspective for thought.  [:)]



auburnvixen -> RE: Advice for entering the lifestyle... (1/17/2009 8:20:05 PM)

I like what Pompeii wrote. Too bad he's on the other coast. [;)]



bamagirl4u -> RE: Advice for entering the lifestyle... (1/17/2009 8:24:39 PM)

I recommend a mentor...one that can teach you what you want to know.  I also agree that Pompeii gave  you the best advice...[:)]



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