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New to this - married vs. single Dom - 1/15/2009 6:37:30 PM   
subgirl2009


Posts: 13
Joined: 1/12/2009
Status: offline 		If you would, can you please share your beginnings in submission with me from a "married vs. single" Dom perspective?

For personal reasons, I will only find a Dom online to chat with and hope to develop into a physical meeting (and subsequent period of training or relationship), after a significant period of time where trust and care can be developed. I am curious as to whether a married man can be an effective guide/partner for a single submissive or if that creates another set of issues.

Thank you for your responses and support. Subgirl
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: New to this - married vs. single Dom - 1/15/2009 6:41:17 PM   
SirMIkeSD


Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline 		A married Dom is fine as long as you have agreement from their partner. Who you have actually talked with and knows about you.

Mike

(in reply to subgirl2009)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: New to this - married vs. single Dom - 1/15/2009 7:23:41 PM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		Take the "Dom" off his name and insert a married "man"--I'm sure then you can arrive at an answer.

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to subgirl2009)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: New to this - married vs. single Dom - 1/15/2009 7:24:03 PM   
ExKat


Posts: 300
Joined: 8/25/2008
Status: offline 		    A married dom who is in the open to his wife would be alright. As long as his wife knew and accepted his activities, do what you want. You may have to deal with your own feelings of being a secondary partner, and having only a part of his time.

A cheating dom, well, that depends on your moral view. For men, totally not okay. I'm not cool with hurting other people to get my jollies. If you're "the other woman", then you'll have to deal with your feelings of guilt (assuming you feel guilty about trying to destroy his family), covert meetings, possibly losing him if he's caught or he feels guilty, and finding a way to respect a dominant that you know is a liar.

Good luck!

_____________________________

~*~ The amalgam of Exquemelin and Katie978~*~
In the forums, it'll usually be Katie you're speaking to.
testing
"That's the plan/ Rule the world/ You and me/ Anyday ::wink::"

(in reply to SirMIkeSD)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: New to this - married vs. single Dom - 1/15/2009 7:30:09 PM   
subgirl2009


Posts: 13
Joined: 1/12/2009
Status: offline 		Thank you ExKat -- you have hit the nail EXACTLY on the head for me! Respecting my Dom would be key, and how can I respect a man who only goes behind his wife's back?! THANK YOU.

(in reply to ExKat)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: New to this - married vs. single Dom - 1/15/2009 8:30:02 PM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subgirl2009

Thank you ExKat -- you have hit the nail EXACTLY on the head for me! Respecting my Dom would be key, and how can I respect a man who only goes behind his wife's back?! THANK YOU.


That's it?  You just wanted to hear that your view is shared?

(in reply to subgirl2009)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: New to this - married vs. single Dom - 1/16/2009 3:58:54 AM   
nafakcha


Posts: 81
Joined: 12/28/2008
From: Melbourne, FL
Status: offline 		The short answer is that this is an incredibly personal decision, one that only you can make. The long answer is below.

Being with anyone who is married brings in another set of issues regardless if the spouse knows. Even if their spouse knows. they still have commitments to said spouse and need to spend time with them and any UMs. Not to mention any household or professional responsibilities. (For example, my spouse is aware of my actions and we have an agreement between us regarding extramarital contact. He has the same freedoms I do. He has always been aware of my lifestyle preferences but over the years our agreement has changed to meet both of our needs and desires. I expect that it will constantly be evolving.) Realize though that every agreement is unique, some spouses want to know the details and don't mind hearing about it and others don't want it flaunted in their face. So even if you speak to someone's spouse and they are totally cool with you having a relationship with their spouse they may have requests regarding when and how you communicate when they are in earshot and that both of you get the time you need with your partner.

If someone's spouse doesn't know. Thats a call only you can make given your current circumstances, feelings and impression of the person you are considering as a partner. Only when you are looking at a specific person and the conditions and reasoning for your relationship and the choices both of you must make can you honestly say whether or not its something you could do. What you hold as a guiding or general principle may not always stand up to some specifics.

Emotionally you are more prone to potential snags as soon as you see anyone that is married but especially if their spouse doesn't know. Plus you are now part of a multi-person relationship with all the benefits, rewards and entanglements that that can bring. Whether or not you want to deal with any of the potential issues that could arise is a personal choice.

As to whether or not you could respect a Dominant who is married (and whose spouse may or may not know) that something only you can tell. Respect is something earned between two or more people by whatever standards and facts the individuals involved are considering.

In my opinion, while I consider whether or not someone is married and if their spouse knows it is by far not the ONLY thing that weighs into my decision. I am not going to respect someone who isn't married simply because they aren't married or dating someone else. Obviously, I find it possible to respect someone whose spouse doesn't know, but I can say that this is a rare thing and something that I wasn't expecting nor seeking. It is however something I know is a path i must walk so I will walk it to its conclusion whatever that is.

It is your life's journey. Only you can walk the path and choose how and which fork to take. Regardless of what you feel now, unless you are dealing with a specific situation you cannot choose the fork before you get to it. All anyone can do is make the choices that they think are right at a given point in time.

What works for you may not work for me and that is perfectly fine. Its one of the beauties of this world. Everyone is a unique individual.

Keiko

_____________________________

"To seek, to strive, to find and not to yield."
~ Ulysses by Lord Alfred Tennyson

(in reply to RealSub58)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: New to this - married vs. single Dom - 1/16/2009 5:09:52 PM   
metalmiss


Posts: 341
Joined: 5/4/2005
From: Croydon, UK
Status: offline 		In my opinion the answer to your question depends entirely on who you are and who the prospective Dominant is..

i'm poly, as is my Master.. i have no problem with a married Dominant seeking to take on or mentor any submissive, but i would be reluctant to invest the time and commitment involved myself, in founding a relationship with one, and certainly not if they weren't being straight with their spouse. However, for me thats twinged with personal bias.. i lived with a married man for 2 years, his wife did know and it didn't work.. Ergo i figure, its not for me.. i require at least almost full-time attention.

i do know several married, poly, Dominant men who can and are a positive influence on the submissive or slave whom they have taken into their lives.. But just like finding a real Dominant they are far and few between.. And as always it's rocky ground.


_____________________________

"The longing to serve, to submit, to abandon oneself sexually, emotionally, and physically makes one a slave either to a Man, a Woman or to God. Submission to that passion is divine degradation." - Dorothy C. Hayden

Owned by RavenMuse

(in reply to subgirl2009)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: New to this - married vs. single Dom - 1/17/2009 3:01:55 AM   
BondageBarbieX


Posts: 495
Joined: 4/1/2008
Status: offline 		I would never have a married man as a Dominant.When I met my  MasterDaddy he was with a common law wife and he had to kick her to the curb the day he met me...I moved in that night. I just don't tolerate people that cheat on their wives and I also am not poly.

(in reply to subgirl2009)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: New to this - married vs. single Dom - 1/17/2009 3:43:16 AM   
GimpinDenial


Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RealSub58

quote:

ORIGINAL: subgirl2009

Thank you ExKat -- you have hit the nail EXACTLY on the head for me! Respecting my Dom would be key, and how can I respect a man who only goes behind his wife's back?! THANK YOU.


That's it?  You just wanted to hear that your view is shared?


I am with you.....

OP.......Why did you not just state this when you originally posted?
I  feel so cheated....
<shuffles back to casual banter>


_____________________________

Resident Gimp
I can only hope that in death, the sins of my life will be forgiven.

(in reply to RealSub58)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: New to this - married vs. single Dom - 1/17/2009 10:35:08 AM   
subgirl2009


Posts: 13
Joined: 1/12/2009
Status: offline 		RealSub and GiminDenial:

I appreciate your position but seek to explain. I was not looking for confirmation of a position I had already taken. I was conflicted with a choice I needed to make and was honestly seeking independent thoughts & stories from others who had taken this path before me. New to this as I am, I am trying to find an honest balance between physical attraction and good choices. This forum gives me access to those with experience that I lack.

In Kat's reply, I found a harmony with my own leanings. While I had considered the pro's and con's, it was her reply that allowed me to crystalize my own feelings.

To all others, I thank you for the replies and consideration. It is helpful to a neophyte to have such words from experienced D/s. In appreciation, SubGirl

(in reply to GimpinDenial)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: New to this - married vs. single Dom - 1/17/2009 10:54:52 AM   
tkenslve


Posts: 98
Joined: 2/23/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BondageBarbieX

I would never have a married man as a Dominant.When I met my  MasterDaddy he was with a common law wife and he had to kick her to the curb the day he met me...I moved in that night. I just don't tolerate people that cheat on their wives and I also am not poly.


First, you are getting off on a technicality, cause while he wasnt married, he WAS involved with someone. Second, his willingness to kick a 'common law wife' to the curb for someone he just met doesnt make him a good person by any means. Third, the sad thing is, i am sure you dont see any problem with it at all.

_____________________________

Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again. - Tori Amos

(in reply to BondageBarbieX)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: New to this - married vs. single Dom - 1/18/2009 9:32:24 AM   
MistressLamia


Posts: 36
Joined: 5/27/2008
Status: offline 		If a couple is poly or in an open relationship then have at it but only after you have met all parties involved face to face.

Now consider the person who is cheating on the person they are supposed to be in a commited relationship with. They are not truthful with, respectful of or caring about the feelings or safety of the one person in the world they should be. Do you thnk they will treat you any better or be any more caring about your feelings or safety? I don't think so.

_____________________________

It's not that I don't care about you. I just care about me more.

(in reply to tkenslve)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: New to this - married vs. single Dom - 1/18/2009 9:48:29 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tkenslve

quote:

ORIGINAL: BondageBarbieX

I would never have a married man as a Dominant.When I met my  MasterDaddy he was with a common law wife and he had to kick her to the curb the day he met me...I moved in that night. I just don't tolerate people that cheat on their wives and I also am not poly.


First, you are getting off on a technicality, cause while he wasnt married, he WAS involved with someone. Second, his willingness to kick a 'common law wife' to the curb for someone he just met doesnt make him a good person by any means. Third, the sad thing is, i am sure you dont see any problem with it at all.
I saw that the same way. Not to mention moving in with someone the day you meet.

Here's the thing, if someone has:

Cheated on the ex-partner, they'll probably cheat on future partners.
Abused their ex-partner, they'll probably abuse their future partners.
Treated their ex-partner like they're disposable, they'll likely treat their future partners like their disposable.

People don't change unless they want to change and it's foolishness to think that it will be different with you. While it sometimes happens that your partner does change to be with you, that is the exception. So, when you're faced with entering a trust based relationship with someone that has already proven themselves to be untrustworthy, the odds are against you.



_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to tkenslve)
Profile   Post #: 14
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